JMJ

Chapter Five

Epiphanies

Swiveling his head he turned to his rescuer and he saw before he emerged what he feared.

"Knock Out," he cracked.

"Ah, there you are, Starscream," said Knock Out in his usual pleasant though slightly teasing manner, breaking all dramatic atmosphere Starscream had collected within his own thoughts. "We were having difficulty finding your exact position with all the unusual mineral content on this planetoid distorting the scanners." He paused briefly examining Starscream carefully. "Hmm, well, we'll have you patched up soon enough."

Much to Starscream's displeasure and despite how he insisted he could step a few paces into the portal himself, Knock Out ignored it all and promptly helped Starscream onto his stands, and half carried him and half led him in through the portal.

They ended up was the hospital lobby.

#

"As usual, Starscream, your luck is remarkable, and your spark as strong as ever. Everything will be healed quickly enough, except for your wings. They'll have to be replaced."

Starscream sighed.

"They're beyond repair?" he murmured.

"But easily replaced," urged Knock Out pleasantly and holding out a finger. "Fortunately we live on a rejuvenated planet with resources to spare. It may take a few hours wait, but we'll have them back on you soon enough and better than ever."

"Hmm, figures…"

Having just recently woken from stasis in which the leakage was dealt with, his leg put to right, and his severed wings removed, Starscream did feel better physically, but his funk seemed to have gotten worse. Knock Out watched him for a moment as Starscream remained deeply in his own thoughts staring straight ahead of himself from where he lay at an angle on the medical table.

"Something on your mind, Starscream?" Knock Out asked casually.

"Where's Sunsparrow?" Starscream asked.

Knock Out shrugged.

"Probably waiting for you. She called me as soon as she was within calling range. She knows you're in good hands."

And here he smiled again.

Starscream raised a brow. He closed his optics briefly, and Knock Out removed the monitoring lines that had been fastened about during the process of dealing with the leak in his side. They had been a little worse than Starscream would have admitted even if it did not matter anymore now that he was fixed well enough aside from his wings.

"She's probably worrying about me," Starscream muttered as Knock Out came to the last cord.

Knock Out paused and now it was his turn to give a funny look as he said, "Yes, that is typically how a loved one responds when there's something wrong with you."

"I don't know why," said Starscream.

Knock Out laughed. "What?"

Starscream's eyes widened suddenly as he realized what his statement sounded like next to Knock Out's and growled a little.

"I mean," he said rather flustered in tone and fidgeting unhappily. "I don't know why she chose me."

"Why not you?"

Starscream sighed. "She has such faith in me, such respect for me as an honorable person."

"What's wrong with that?"

Again Starscream flustered. "You know perfectly well why. Because I'm not. She doesn't understand." He looked ahead now and said rather sadly, "I know she doesn't. I'm not… not like the rest of you."

Knock Out now removed the last line and stepped back staunchly.

"In what way?" he demanded eyeing Starscream with expectant optics under half lowered lids. "You're not making any sense. President Bumblebee seems to think you're respectable enough to be among us. That should be good enough for you."

"He allows me to be free because of his charity and I have not done anything to warrant prison again since my release," Starscream retorted.

"And…" Knock Out lifted a hand and shrugged. "You haven't so…"

"It doesn't prove anything," said Starscream with a pout.

"You're actions don't prove anything? Look, Starscream, you've had a rough day getting rocks thrown at you and all, and having your favorite doctor seal up your energon lines and remove your wings. It's possible you're overreacting a little."

"Are you doing this on purpose? Look, I know you don't like me, but—"

"I never said I didn't like you," said Knock Out, and he paused. "Well, not since your release, anyway. But I think I understand, Starscream."

"Oh, do you?" said Starscream very doubtfully.

"I think you spend way too much time in the past," Knock Out remarked ignoring Starscream's tone.

"No!" Starscream insisted. "I want nothing to do with it. I can't change the past."

"Exactly." Knock Out chuckled.

Starscream winced.

"You're nothing like you were then," said Knock Out. "You gotta know that at least. You're not trying to overthrow Bumblebee or steal hatchlings or sneak off in the middle of the night with some psychotic plan that will give you some sort of promotion, now are you? And here you are recovering from an injury caused by rescuing a little girl. That doesn't sound like anything the old Starscream would do."

"But that's just it. I don't," said Starscream sadly. "I don't know anything, really. How can I? I mean, of course I'm not trying to overthrow—ah! Any of those things. Of course I saved her. How could I not?"

"You never showed any interest in saving anyone before."

"Lord Megatron towards the end."

"Not to my knowledge," said Knock Out.

"You weren't there," Starscream said with a sniff. "And I'm sure even before my return to the ranks, I might have tried to save someone that—that—that truly loved me. You don't understand, Knock Out. No one has ever loved me like that before. I would have loved her back after a fashion had I—"

"And back then you didn't deserve it."

"But I've always only gone with the flow on these things," Starscream said more to himself now than to Knock Out. "I—! I mean, I may very well be only doing this because it's convenient. For my own well-being. Of course I can't be a Decepticon anymore. Of course. There are none. The Cause is dead. I don't know if I'm really changed or if I just have no choice. Sometimes I forget even that my optics have turned from red to blue. I never had a chance to prove anything about myself except that I wanted to escape from prison. Those were my choices, prison or joining the victors of the war."

"Starscream, you never did anything for convenience's sake, believe me," said Knock Out rolling his optics but he was smiling. "And you still aren't."

"But I did only ever look out for myself."

"And now you're feeling sorry for yourself," Knock Out remarked somewhat losing patience now as he crossed his arms and frowned. "I guess in that one way you are still the same. You still make everything about you in the worst way possible. Here you are saving a little girl as a hero and all you can do is think about how much you scrapped in the past."

Starscream cringed. He had to think about that one.

Knock Out's smile slowly returned. Starscream always was a stubborn unheeding person.

"You're thinking about this way too much," Knock Out said. "That's what I think."

"You're right," said Starscream more sadly than before and very slowly. "I am still only thinking of myself. I'm not like the rest of you. I understand there are some things I can never be part of, and I'm only grateful that I can at least be among you all even if I can't truly join—"

Knock Out groaned and rolled his optics again. "Okay, now you're just getting dramatic. Look. Starscream. You think you're different from Skywarp or me? You really think you're different? We've all done things we regret. Even the Autobots have done things they regret. We all have pasts. Can you really sit there and tell me that you were worse than me?"

Slowly Starscream lifted his head and looked at Knock Out carefully, searchingly, but there was more than the first time a glint in his eyes of some sort of understanding, and Knock Out felt satisfaction as Starscream's oral vent slowly dropped.

"I…"

"And I even had a decent upbringing," Knock Out went on. "You don't even have that. I was well cared for and well loved, but did that stop me from joining the Decepticons out of fear and watch my fellow scientists, my friends, my family, Starscream, be slaughtered before my optics? Do you think I don't regret that? And I killed humans just because they insulted me, you know that. Sort of an impulsive revenge. You remember, when I was on Earth, and I enjoyed it."

Although his tone was not much different than usual, his optics were dead serious as he stared with his intense optics at Starscream. Starscream's optics stared back as wide as they could go in return, for he had never heard Knock Out talk about such things. The impression upon him was great as it slowly sunk in and struck Starscream.

"I've…never thought about it before… in that light," said Starscream rather dazed.

He paused a little while, thinking very deeply about this profound revelation of his about Knock Out.

"But I know I'm different now," said Knock Out then contrastingly careless in manner again, "so there's no reason to drag on about it."

"Because you had a chance to prove yourself. You displayed selflessness on the final battle when you joined the Autobots. You fought Soundwave even. Even though you knew you had no way to succeed. You fought Lock Down and myself as well. You risked your life for the humans who didn't even like you."

"I did," Knock Out admitted, "but you can't compare that. Those were those times, and besides you can't compare yourself to me. We're completely opposite in every way including how we left the Decepticons, but that doesn't make you an outcast."

Starscream lowered his head, though he was far calmer than he had been.

"I've never felt truly at peace and part of the original members of Team Prime," said Starscream, "because—"

"Because you never talk to them," Knock Out pointed out, "but I know for a fact that they are greatly impressed by you."

"Really?" said Starscream doubtfully, but his doubt was more bewildered this time than scornful.

"What? You think I'm making this up. I'm not joking about something like that."

"Well, I don't know. I never understood you," said Starscream.

"Nor I you," said Knock Out. "But I'm also impressed as much as they are. No one thought you were capable of what you did, Starscream. I may have fought villains and rescued helpless humans, but you had to fight yourself on your own in prison locked up with your thoughts. And I know just from that little bit I saw of your mind with a little help from the cortical psychic patch that you're a terrible mental force with how many knots you tie yourself into. I'd hate to face it."

"Well, I did have a little help from Bumblebee and Opti—"

"The only thing now is that you don't realize that you don't have to fight yourself like that anymore. You're free now. Let yourself be."

"But I thought when it was over I would feel different. I thought… I would know when the 'fight' was over."

Knock Out shrugged. "In my experience you don't feel any different. You're always going to be you, and I guess as someone else told me, it's never one hundred percent over. You can always improve, but…" he shrugged. "You don't have to beat yourself up anymore after you realize that."

"I…" Starscream smiled slowly, sheepishly. "I feel sort of silly now."

Knock Out shrugged. "Good. You're on your way."

Now Starscream sighed. "I guess you got to be my councilor after all even though it was only a joke then."

"Oh, no, I meant it then too," remarked Knock Out with grin. "I've just had more practice since then being a father and all. Welcome to the job, Starscream. It's good for you."

"Well," said Starscream closing his optics. "Thank you, anyway."

"Oh, you're welcome. Just returning the favor," said Knock Out.

"Favor?" said Starscream, raising an exaggerated brow and leaning up on his elbows.

"Well, you knocked some sense into me once, though not intentionally, admittedly, even if it took a lot out of you at the time, and I thank you for that."

Starscream blinked blankly for a moment, and then shook his head. "Maybe it's best not to ask," he muttered, "but you're welcome then. And maybe now that we're even I think I shall also try a take on your advice… I shall try to be less selfishly hard on myself and… I should like to be on better terms with you and the others. Not that I'm going to be as social as you are but—"

"Sounds like a plan," chirped Knock Out stepping towards the door. "I'll get your wings ordered then, and I'm sure someone's waiting for you."

The door rolled open and sure enough hardly had Knock Out stepped out into the corridor when Sunsparrow sprang in with a gasp. She paused and looked up at Knock Out. "Is it alright, Dr. Knock Out?"

"He's all yours," Knock Out assured her with a knowing smile, and Sunsparrow hurried in.

"You're wings!" Knock Out still heard her gasp even after the door shut behind her.

Knock Out closed his optics with amusement and promptly walked down the corridor leaving Starscream and Sunsparrow to themselves.

THE END