So I took a little break and got my thoughts in order and did a little bit of an outline so I'd feel a little less burnt out on this fic. And then I wrote a chapter that had barely anything to do with the outline I wrote.
Kenshin did end up getting them dango, coming back with them with the rest of the grocery shopping in the morning.
"Is this what we're going to do from now on with everything good that happens?" Kaoru asked.
"Yes," Yahiko says with his mouth still full of dango.
"Not even any variety?" she asked.
"We can if you want," Kenshin said. "Tell me what you want next time."
"I don't know, but for right now, I need to get going to Shibata," she said.
Between trying to get her dojo fixed, and working at Sakaguchi-san's, and then Tsubame deciding to take lessons, it has taken Kaoru far too long to get out to his dojo. She really had no more excuses, and she would be miss her best window for catching him if she didn't leave right then.
"Good luck," Kenshin told her.
"Yeah, good luck," Yahiko added, mouth still half full.
"Thank you," she said. She quickly finished her dango, gathered up her bokken and everything else she needed, and headed out with a final wave to the boys.
She made her way through town towards Shibata's dojo while trying not to let her worries get to her. She arrived at the dojo right on time. All the students were leaving at the end of the lesson and she wove her way through them to reach the dojo.
"Hello, Shibata-san," she greeted cheerfully.
Shibata looked her over. "You're here to see if you can instruct here again."
"Yes, if it's possible," she said.
"If you can prove you're still capable," he said, stepping back into his dojo.
Kaoru sighed. She'd been hoping for a slightly warmer greeting than that, but she wasn't exactly in a position to complain. At least he was giving her this chance.
She did everything as perfectly as she could entering the dojo. Shibata didn't seem to notice.
"Perform all the kata used last time," he said, somewhat dismissively. "If you can remember them."
"Of course," she said, preparing her bokken. Her initial test to act as an outside instructor had been while her father was still alive, but she had done her best to reconstruct those kata before coming here. They were Shibata's kata, not her father's. If there was a mistake, and she was certain she didn't remember them entirely correctly, then she did not act as if there was one.
"Very well," Shibata said when she finished. "Let's see how you handle a bout."
"Yes, sir," she said, moving in position to face him.
He took a moment to prepare himself to face her. "When you're ready."
"I'm ready."
Shibata struck first just as Sakaguchi-san had, and so Kaoru kept to her plan. She focused on her execution and drawing the fight out to demonstrate her endurance.
Then Shibata pulled back, "What are you doing? Do you see the openings or are you blind? If you cannot fight then do not hope to instruct here."
She stared at him blankly for a moment. She had lost her bout against him the last time she had tried for a position as an outside instructor here same as she had against Sakaguchi-san. She had miscalculated. The standard was different now.
"I can fight," she assured him.
She landed a hit to his shoulder with the next opening. Just a tap meant to demonstrate she could.
"What was that?" he asked. "I told you to fight."
"Alright," she said, very nearly adding 'you asked for it.'
She struck his shoulder again on the next move, hard enough to numb his arm, and moving immediately into position to strike again in case he didn't yield.
He moved back as his bokken fell from his numb grip as if he expected to be struck again. Then he stood upright, and said, "Enough."
She lowered her bokken, waiting for his assessment.
He looked her over again, and she was fairly certain he was clenching his jaw as he did it.
"You're a fine swordsman, and you've improved from when you were last here," he said.
She straightened up, somewhat surprised by the praise.
"But you left without word. You've been gone for months. How am I going to be able to rely on your commitment from now on?"
Kaoru stared at him in shock. "I came more than once a month or month and a half. It was hardly a regular schedule. There were also extenuating circumstances."
"And what extenuating circumstances would those be?" he asked. "The ones where you chased a man you hardly knew to a different city? Or the ones where he tracked enemies right back to you and kidnapped you while making everybody think you were dead?"
"That's," she stumbled because it's not like he was wrong. "It was more complicated than just that."
"Is it?" he asked. "Care to share how?"
She kept her mouth shut because no one could know about Shishio. She's not comfortable explaining Yukishiro either.
"I respected your father. He was a good man, and he had ambitions, grand ideas, including teaching you. He made a new style himself just to live up better to his own ideals. Not many men can claim to do that. I can only imagine how much time and effort it took him to create that style," he said. "As far as I see it, the only things that matter about those extenuating circumstances, is that you abandoned your father's work for some low life."
"I never abandoned his work! Do you know how many times I've had to save my dojo just in this past year? And I had to do it on my own while I'm still working to master the style," she said. "Most of the help I've gotten has been from the man you're calling a low life. He found my first student. He respects my father's work, and that I carry his legacy. He trains with me."
"He's a vagabond," he said, "Or if the rumors are true, much worse, an assassin!"
"My father killed men, too. He died fighting in a war and turned his back on his ideals to do so," she spat back. "Kenshin's sworn never to take another life, and he's held to his oath. If you care so much about how my father tried to live by his ideals that should matter to you! So what if Kenshin handled his grief differently than my father did?"
Shibata stared at her.
He stayed silent long enough for her to taste the bitterness on her tongue. She had shouted something similar, that he'd abandoned his ideals, to her father right before he left for the war, trying to get him to stay. She had seen that she had hurt him, and she'd been so angry she'd ignored it. She hadn't let him speak to her at all before he left. She had apologized to him in a letter. She knew he'd read it because he'd responded to her though he never heard it from her mouth.
But some part of her still believed that. Her father had turned his back on his ideals. And he'd turned his back on her.
"He had no choice," Shibata said lowly.
Kaoru resisted insisting that he did have a choice because she knew there would have been consequences for resisting. Any consequences that fell to her, and there certainly would have been some, would not be acceptable to her father. She had known it even then. No matter how much she told herself that, it still didn't change how she felt.
"My comparison to Kenshin still stands," she said, keeping her eyes lowered in a pretense of deference. "Will you accept me as an instructor if I promise to send word of any future travel? I don't expect to have any more trouble, but I have made friends in other cities I have promised to visit."
Shibata looked her over again. "Do you intend to marry him?"
Kaoru considered her words because she wasn't sure what to say, how much to reveal. "I intend to become a master of Kamiya Kasshin Ryu and teaching the style to my own students."
"That's not what I asked."
Kaoru let out a breath then answered, "Whether or not I marry Kenshin has no bearing on my commitment to kenjutsu and my dojo. I will not give up my livelihood for anyone. If I were a man, you would not have asked me."
"Men do not bear children when they marry."
Kaoru nearly bit her tongue on that. It was one thing for Sano to bring it up as a joke to tease her and another for it to be brought up like this. "And I'm sure men have never needed time to recover from anything in their entire lives these many centuries they've practiced kenjutsu."
Shibata did not look amused by her answer.
"You asked for my commitment," she said defensively. "What more do you want me to say to prove that I am committed?"
He said nothing for some time as he ran his hand over his beard. "Nothing. There's nothing more I want you to say. You'll have to prove your commitment. You may have your old position back, and I expect you to inform me if there are ever any more…extenuating circumstances."
He made no mention of increased pay with her increased experience and skill or increased number of lessons.
"Very well," she said. "Then I'll come once a month as I used to at the usual time. When do you want me to start?"
"You can start next week."
"Thank you," she said, offering him a polite bow as if they had never had a disagreement. "I won't disappoint you."
"See that you don't," he said. "I'll see you next week, Kamiya-san."
"Farewell," she said, leaving the dojo and his estate immediately. She had never been as friendly with Shibata's wife as she had Akemi, but she doubted he would appreciate her over staying her welcome by speaking with her.
She made her way home, consumed with everything Shibata had lobbed at her about her commitment. She hadn't really considered what marriage had meant for her as the proprietor of a dojo and an outside instructor. She had honestly never seriously thought about marrying before meeting Kenshin. Her vision of the future had been focused on mastering Kamiya Kasshin Ryu, regrowing her dojo, and preserving her father's legacy. She'd never really pictured a man beside her in that.
And for much of her time knowing Kenshin, marrying him had seemed more like a daydream than something to seriously plan. Maybe she had been naive, but she hadn't figured Kenshin into her future plans, not really. Kenshin had already shown himself to be supportive of her goals with her dojo and he was a rather unusual man, but would he continue to be as a husband? He was already being patient in the aftermath of Jinchuu, but would he continue to be if she prioritized gaining mastery of Kamiya Kasshin Ryu or stabilizing her dojo over marrying or having a child? He was already so much older than her.
Would he let her keep her name? The name that her dojo and her sword style bore?
She had heard of other women who practiced and taught kenjutsu. She didn't know a woman who had kept her own family's name after marrying.
She still eventually arrived home. She opened the gate and called out, "I'm back."
"Welcome home," Kenshin called back, and she caught Yahiko poking his head out of the dojo.
"Thanks," she said, but continued on to the dojo. She saw Kenshin's concerned look out of the corner of her eye as she crossed the yard.
"You don't sound that happy," Yahiko pointed out as she entered the dojo to put her bokken away. "Did you not get the job?"
"No, I got the job," she said, taking her time to put things away. "Did you do you everything you were supposed to practice?"
"Yes, but that's not what we're talking about," he said. "If you got the job, why aren't you happy?"
She hesitated on what to tell him. Some of these things, they weren't his concerns. And with his grief, his fear of failure, his already weakened relationship with Kenshin, she didn't want to make any of that worse. She didn't want to lie to him either. "He questioned my commitment to teaching."
"Well, that's stupid," Yahiko said, like it was just that easy. "You've been teaching me this entire time."
"But I did stop coming to his dojo for months without giving him any word," she said.
"Right," he said. "Then just don't do that again."
"I told him I wouldn't it," she said. "But I think it will take time before he trusts me again. It just didn't go as well as I thought it might after how well things with Sakaguchi-san."
Yahiko tilted his head. "Sakaguchi-san is a lot better than these other guys though."
Kaoru sighed. "It didn't used to be like that."
It had all seemed fine up until her father had left to fight. In her memories, they were all friends supporting each other as they weren't much competition for each other given how far apart the dojos were, and her father's new style and very new philosophy marked itself out for a particular type of student anyways. They had let her learn with their students anyways when her father taught at their dojos and then allowed her to teach as rumors of war had spread. Then Maekawa had stood ahead of the others as he had been more accessible and supportive than the others. Now, he was retired, and it seemed that Sakaguchi-san had taken that position.
But maybe her memories were wrong. More and more, she felt that in different ways they had held their tongue in her father's presence. That presence was being felt less and less with time.
"It's the way it is now," Yahiko said, crossing his arms.
"It does seem like it."
"Am I going with you to the lessons you teach at Shibata's?" he asked.
"I don't think so," she said apologetically. "He didn't ask me about you at all. I wouldn't want to test him right now."
"Good, 'cause I don't want to meet him."
Kaoru wasn't sure where that came from, but all she said was, "Alright."
She thought Kenshin might ask her about how things went with Shibata over dinner when all she said was that she had her old position back, but he didn't. He instead waited until after as they washed dishes together.
"Did things not go well with Shibata-san?" Kenshin asked as he handed her the first plate.
"Not exactly," she said, trying not to get angry all over again at the memory of their argument, "I should have sent him word before I left for Kyoto."
"Ah," he said. "That would have been wise."
"I didn't know I was going to be gone as long as we were, but that's not really an excuse," she said. "That wasn't even the half of it."
"Then what was the other half?" he asked.
Kaoru weighed her words. She didn't want to tell Kenshin any of this, not when she had been rejected his affections recently, but at the same time, she so desperately needed answers from him. There was probably a way to bring this up without having to ask him directly and so awkwardly, but she didn't know what it was. What she comes up with was, "He questioned my commitment to kenjutsu, and he had an awful lot to say about you."
Kenshin stilled. He lowered the dish in his hand. "For what I have done or for what I intend to do?"
"Both," she answered. "But he was more concerned about the future."
"You don't need to worry about that," he said.
Her head snapped up to look at him. "I don't?"
"No, and I'm sorry if I ever gave you any impression otherwise," he said. "I might have gone too far in handing Yahiko over to you the way I did, but I have always meant for you and your dojo to succeed."
"No, it wasn't ever an impression you gave, but we never really talked about it," she said.
"You haven't asked."
"I didn't think to," she admitted, a little embarrassed.
"You've been busy," he said, going back to washing the dishes. "And you didn't seem to want to discuss these types of things."
"Kenshin," she said, wanting to explain herself but she couldn't.
"It's fine," he said. "You can ask me whatever you wish when you're ready to. I'm taking this as a good sign."
"Kenshin," she said, wondering how he could be so nice to her when she has been rejecting him.
"Ask," he told her, handing over the dish he'd finished cleaning.
"My name," she said, "Kamiya."
"Please, keep it," he said. "Himura is not my family's name. It wasn't even given to me by my shishou. It was given to me in Kyoto."
"Really?" she asked.
"I feel it would be wrong of me to take Kamiya from you."
"You're sure?"
"Yes," he said confidently.
She absorbed his answer for a while as she dried the dish he'd given. He didn't interrupt her as she considered what to ask next.
"If we do this," she said slowly, "would you be alright if we didn't have children right away?"
"Yes, that's fine," he said, sounding relieved to say it. "Perhaps it is wrong of me, but I think I would like to wait until this is all over, that we would know no more trouble is coming and that I would no longer be a swordsman."
She didn't know quite what that time frame would be, but it sounded like a long enough time frame to finish mastering Kamiya Kasshin Ryu and reestablish her dojo. Maybe even long enough that Yahiko would be able to take over teaching for a time. Still, she asked, "Are you sure that's the right time for it? After what you said…"
He sighed. "I don't, but I'm not certain there could ever really be a right time for me given my past. This is my first time even daring to consider such a thing as having a child."
She considered not asking, but found the words coming out of her mouth anyways, "Not even with Tomoe?"
"No," he admitted, and she could hear the sorrow in his voice. "If she had lived, maybe we would have discussed it, but not during the war. I couldn't."
From what he'd told them about her, Kaoru didn't think Tomoe could have either.
"In any case," he said, "If I could no longer wield a sword, maybe I'd no longer attract trouble."
"Maybe," she said, as she hoped that would be the case as well. If nothing else, Kenshin would have a harder time looking for trouble for what small percentage of the time that was the case rather than the opposite. Not wearing the sakabatou would likely reduce the amount of attention he drew as well.
"Did you have other questions?" he asked as he passed over another cleaned dish.
"No, I don't have any more for right now," she said because she still had a few questions.
But she needed to see the answers from him, not be told them.
You know that's guys that get like personally offended about tomboys doing something feminine? I made Shibata one of those guys.
The rest of the chapter is like built on a bunch of headcanons of mine lol. I've never thought Kaoru would have reacted well to her father leaving to fight in the Seinan War. I mean, she's a teenager, but also she's been raised mostly in the new era without a lot of memories of the Bakumatsu and on a very ideologically particular sword style. I think she could square having her father bear a sword as a policeman as I think he would have made the effort not to kill people with it, but actually going out and fighting a war is a definite step beyond that even if he was being conscripted and just for like historical reference the Seinan War is notable for being fought by conscripts.
I try not to make too many comparisons between Koshijiro and Kenshin because uh not a good age gap between Kenshin and Kaoru, but Kenshin is a half generation older than her and is a veteran like her father and while I'm not sure Watsuki intended this, her reaction to him leaving for Kyoto and thinking he's leaving her to kill Shishio is more reasonable if it's also what her father did and he's only been dead for like eight months and she still has unresolved feelings about it.
It's also super dumb for Kaoru to take the name Himura and no I will not change my mind.
And I really don't see Kenshin and Tomoe doing anything when they were married. They were young, it was a war, and they both had other things on their minds. As for Kenshin and Kaoru, family planning might be difficult in historical periods, but it's not impossible.
Anyways, hope you enjoyed that chapter and all these notes.