Obamatales Side Story: An Ordinary Dinner
Obama was enjoying a fine day of chillaxing at his private pool filled solely with the tears of 55 Tea Party Republicans (they do not taste like tea sadly) when a knock came on his door. He thought this was strange, as the pool had no doors that he was aware of, but nevertheless he got out of his Obama floaty and answered the door.
The man who answered the door was a large man with a very sexy mustache, wearing a chef's hat and weilding a sausage grinder. "Hello Mr. Obama, I guess." he said with a poised look. Obama did not like poised looks, so he was immediately soured by the man's presence. "I, uh, was enjoying an evening at the, uh, pool. How can Obama help you?"
The man took off his hat and bowed. "I am Mr. Sausage, and I would like to make a sausage for you today. I am famous for making salt sausage."
At the mention of the salt sausage, Obama's mood changed. The NSA had reported about the salt sausage to Obama just the other day, and ever since then Obama's mouth had been watering for a delicious sausage to enter it. "Oh, of course. Come in Mr. Sausage, I would, uh, love to eat your sausage."
Obama seated himself at the Pete Buttigeg table, a recent gift the former mayor of South Bend had sent him for Gay Christmas. Obama thought it was tacky, but the cupholders in his eye sockets made him appreciate it on an aesthetic level. Mr. Sausage said for his own safety, he would have to make the sausage in another room, but he would be live streaming the event from a nearby room on his YouTube channel. Obama was salivating at the thought of a nice meaty sausage, but wondered what it would be made of.
As the video started, he greeted the audience. "Well hey there folks, I guess."
"Today I have the pleasure of serving my sausage to the former president of the country, Bark Obama!" Obama was confused, as his name was not Bark. Mr. Sausage looked off to the side, frowning at his wife, Mrs. Sausage. "Sorry folks, it seems his name was Barack. My bad." This pleased Obama greatly.
"So what better for a former president than a real winner of a sausage!" He then reveals the contents of a cage behind, which had been obscured by a black blanket. Inside was none other than Joe Biden, President of the United States. "It's the President Joe Biden...Sausage!"
Obama was aghast. How did he kidnap Joe? He dialed his Obamaphone but the call went straight to voice mailbox, which was full since Joe never cleared out his last 500 calls. Obama did wonder how this would work though, maybe he would get to see Joe Biden's private sausage for the first time in weeks.
"It's grinder time!" Mr. Sausage took the current president, who was bound in a rope made of sausage casing sausage, and dragged him to a human sized meat grinder. Rather than panicking, Joe seemed almost at peace, as this was his calling by the sausage gods. Obama did not care, as he worshipped the one true God, and was incredibly worried for his friend. He watched in horror as Joe was ground into a bloody, bone filled mess of flesh, meat, and hair. Even his precious sausage was turned into sausage. The large bowl containing the sausages president overflowed, spilling blood everywhere. Joe never uttered a single sound the whole time, other than a Cathloic chant, as he is known to do when in pleasure. "Ooh boy thats a messy one" was all Mr. Sausage had to say, until he smiled at the camera. "It's re-grind time."
Mr. Sausage flung the bloody remains back into the grinder, which mysteriously turned it into solid looking sausage meat. "Now that's more like it, thanks for being polite President Biden." Mr. Sausage then began to set up the sausage casing filler, loading up meters of sausage casing into the machine. Obama felt sick watching it, as he did not recognize meters as a form of measurement, yelling at the tv that it should be measured in feet. "Actually wouldn't Kamala be president now?" Mr. Sausage pondered as the remains into the machine. After filling it to the brim, he began to count down "3...2...1...lettttssss sauuusaaaaaggeeee!"
With that the machine began to churn out footlong cases of Biden sausage, which pleased Obama for being an American measurement. In total, 12 feet of Biden sausage existed, with a small amount of flesh left in the filling chamber. Mr. Sausage removed the filling chamber and held to his lip, asking "Will it blow?" Obama knew it would blow, as Joe was a master of blowing. The Biden sausage fragments flew across the room with the force of Vladmir Putin's one party dictatorship, causing Mr. Sausage to tremble. "Folks, this is one of the greatest "Will it Blow?"s I've ever seen! 6 Mark Ruffalos!" As he said this, Mark Ruffalo emerged from the Obama pool and joined Obama to watch the spectacle, remarking how he thought it only deserved 5 Mark Ruffalos. Obama told him to shut the fuck up and watch the cooking.
The Biden sausage logs were brought to a frying pan filled with oil. "I couldn't do this with the last guy, I already made an orange sausage!" Mark did not get this joke, and Obama had to explain that Trump was literally orange. The Biden sausage was then tossed in the pan. "Maybe I shoulda poked holes in them, but I have faith in our president."
As they cooked, two of the sausages exploded like Yemeni hospitals during the Obama administration, which gave Obama fond memories. "Uh oh, I was afraid of that." Luckily, the rest were safe, and looked delicious when fully cooked. "Alright, now onto the tasting table. BUT FIRST, we gotta go meet the big man himself, Bark...er, Barack Obama!"
Just like that, Mr. Sausage teleported to the Pete Buttieg table, with a plate full of Joe Biden sausage, He presented it to Obama on a hoagie roll, and Obama took a bite. His clothes exploded off his body, as the delicious flavor of the sausage blew him away. "This is uh, one of the greatest sausages I have put in my mouth. Thank you, Mr. Sausage." The magic man smiled. "No problem Mr. Obama, and who better to enjoy this meal with you than…" he trailed off as he removed his skin mask, revealing Mr. Sausage to have been Joe Biden the whole time.
"Oh my atheist god Joe, you really put on an elaborate show. What did you make the sausage out of?" The president smiled, "Just a young teenager arrested on charges of weed possession, I just dressed him up like me." Obama noticed the subtle weed flavor, reminding him of his days of smoking weed and not being arrested.
"Well, I gotta say, I uh, think this sausage is a… 5 outta 5!" With that, crayon sausages Joe drew by hand appeared on the screen, showing the rating was indeed a 5 outta 5.