A/N : you've no idea how much of a trial the translation of this chapter has been. I'm pretty sure I combusted in embarrassment at my past self's writing style at least twenty times. Anyway, I hope you'll like that chapter :)
Nuclear shelters were all organised in a similar way. Makeshift beds, a couple of tables and chairs to work on, water and non-perishable goods stocked in cupboards, a spartan bathroom, and so on.
Which is why, when Ivan opened the door and walked in the room, he froze in surprise. A massive and very comfortably-looking bed with purple sheets was placed against a wall, white plushy carpets were disposed here and there on the floor, he could see a minibar and a flatscreen on the opposite side, and overall, the entire place looked like a high-end hotel room. The half-open door leading to the bathroom suggested it had undergone a similar transformation.
Behind him, Ivan heard Alfred coming in as well and react to the sight.
"What the..." the American nation didn't even manage to finish his sentence, and sounded completely flabbergasted. Strangely, it stirred something dark and furious inside of Ivan.
"Alice" the taller nation almost spat the name, "asked for some modifications. Those were your words, I believe" he added in cold anger, not even bothering to hide his emotions. If this was how far Alfred was willing to go to make him feel miserable, Ivan was not about to suffer through it in silence.
The American nation took a couple of steps into the room, and his expression of utter surprise and confusion almost convinced the Russian nation that the blond was sincerely not expecting it.
"I don't understand" America said, sounding as lost as he looked. "She never mentioned any of this."
"Oh, I certainly do understand" Ivan replied through gritted teeth. "You can cut the act."
"The fuck are you talking about ?" Alfred turned to narrow his eyes at Russia, anger slowly taking the place of surprise on his features. "I just told you I didn't know about... this !" he finished with a wild gesture to encompass the entire shelter.
"Forgive me if I had a hard time believing that" Ivan snorted. He was more than done with Alfred's games, and his voice took a bitter edge. "A word of advice, though. You should just admit it."
"Admit what ?" Alfred asked, glaring daggers at the older nation.
Ivan looked at him in icy anger. So, that was how Alfred wanted to play. The Russian nation knew he deserved most of the cruelty bestowed upon him, but going as far as forcing him to word the harsh reality himself was a particularly vicious move. As if it wasn't enough to let Ivan know others had what he could only dream of, he had to be the one saying it out loud.
"Admit that you're fucking your president. I told you, you're not the first and certainly won't be the last. No one will bat an eye" Ivan declared with as much contempt as he could, yet failed to mask the bitterness in his tone.
Alfred froze for half a second, then narrowed his eyes again and all but shouted his answer. "For the last time, I am NOT sleeping with her !"
There was so much strength in his denial, so much honesty ringing in each word, that Ivan's heart ached with an irresistible desire to believe him. It was ridiculous and stupid of him to hope that Alfred was saying the truth. However, the Russian nation knew how badly he wished it wasn't a lie.
And it made it all the more painful to hear. So Ivan did the only thing he could think of to protect himself, and fought back. If he was the one throwing the accusation first, he would manage to keep a bit of control on his feelings. Anger was easier to deal with than pain.
"Then I suppose you have an excellent explanation for this shelter's arrangement ?" Russia asked with a small movement of his chin toward the bed.
"How many times do I have to yell at you that I didn't know about any of this for the words to go through that thick skull of yours !?" Alfred shouted furiously, not even stopping to take a breath.
Ivan sent him a sour smile, and completely ignored the reply. "Maybe I'm a bit close-minded here. It could simply be your dear president helping you showing off to your lovers. Tell me, was Mexico the only one you brought here or have you lost the count already ?"
This time, Alfred's kick landed. Ivan moved a bit too late to completely avoid the blow, and his abs absorbed most of the impact. It was enough to sent him on the ground, and before he could react, the American nation had blocked his wrists on each part of his head and forcing him to remain on his back. Alfred's blue eyes were almost glowing with fury, his hair was falling freely, and with the soft lights of the ceiling behind him, his face appeared just somber enough to reflect the dark emotions his features were displaying.
He was beautiful.
"Mark my words" Alfred whispered darkly. "I sleep with whom I want, where I want, when I want. And no one, especially not you, get to say anything about it."
"I you really want to fuck the first dumbass drowling all over your body, far be it from me to stop you" Ivan snapped, trying to sound ironic and failing to hide the pain underneath the truth of the statement. Russia was all too aware of how powerless he was to stop Alfred from doing whatever and whoever he wanted.
A strange emotion flashed in Alfred's eyes, but it was gone before Ivan could interpret it. Then, a wicked smirk made his way to the American nation's face.
"Who says he's only after my body ?"
The jab made Ivan feel incredibly tired. Tired of this endless game of chess he had already lost, but was forced to continue playing. Tired of this sweet torture making his heart bleed again and again, without giving him a chance to heal. Tired of pretending he was as cold and heartless as the Siberian nights.
He stopped fighting against the hands restraining his wrists, and let his head lay on the plushy carpet with a sigh. There was nothing to lose with being honest that he hadn't already lost.
"Matthew" Ivan answered.
Alfred's smirk melted in a confused frown. "What ? What's with my brother ?"
"Remember when you came back for the week-long world's meetings ?" the Russian nation asked, and Alfred nodded briefly. "He told me about the conversation you two had the evening before you left."
Alfred's expression turned to a horrified one in a second, and he paled so drastically that Ivan thought for an instant that the young nation was about to faint. Alfred all but jumped away from him, moving backward until his back hit the bed. He hadn't even taken the time to stand up, and was sitting with his knees in front of him.
"You're lying" Alfred protested, but his voice was slightly trembling. "He promised me he wouldn't tell anyone."
"He made an exception for me" Ivan replied laconically while shifting to a sitting position mirroring America's. When he finally got to see his face, Ivan was astonished by the sheer fear and pain oozing from the young nation.
"How much" Alfred stopped, inhaled deeply, then started again. "How much did he tell you ?"
"All I needed to know" Ivan answered bitterly. This was a conversation he had been unable to forget, one that still haunted his nightmares, and one he had forced himself to remember each time Alfred had made a show of sending him small signs of interest since that fateful afternoon.
The American nation chuckled darkly, and his gaze dropped to the floor. "That much, huh ?"
Ivan sighed loudly. Well, he probably couldn't make more harm by revealing some of the explanations he had received that day. The first part was still rather comforting to the Russian nation, after all.
"He told me you weren't interested in any of those superficial assholes fawning all over you. That you were aware how none of them were looking further than your ass and your new political behaviour."
The last part was a bit of an extrapolation, but it had Alfred snorting in what looked like an agreement. The blond didn't deny the claims, and Ivan felt relief flooding over him, as pathetic as it might be. It was nice to know Alfred would not rise his hopes for someone who wasn't worth it. The irony of the thought wasn't lost on Ivan, but he had had months to admit how much of a cruel imbecile he had been, and he didn't dwell on it anymore. Not sober, at least.
"Is that all my brother told you ?" Alfred asked, just a bit too cautiously to appear truly disinterested, and still hiding his eyes behind his hair while looking at the floor.
Ivan cringed. That was the part he had hoped to avoid.
"No, it's not" he admitted eventually.
"What else, then ?" Alfred asked tensely.
"Why do you care ?" Ivan asked back.
"Because I'm the one concerned" the American nation retorted, still not looking at him.
Ivan clenched his jaw. He didn't like laying his heart and soul bare and appear so vulnerable in front of the one person who could - and would - shatter his world in a single sentence.
"I don't think I need to voice what both of us already know" Ivan said softly after half a minute.
In the deep silence that followed, the sob was impossible to miss and Ivan's eyes widened. However quiet it was, there was no mistaking the audible proof that Alfred was crying, and the fact caught Ivan completely off guard. Before he could ask what in the world could cause such a reaction, the young nation talked again.
"So that was the reason why you stopped giving a fuck about me flirting around" America stated bitterly, his voice trembling but still in control.
"Well, what did you expect me to do ?" Ivan answered, almost aggressively so.
Strangely, Alfred didn't reply. Not that Ivan was really expecting him to. They both knew what the answer was, and Ivan was not about to say out loud that he knew he should have tried harder to move on, instead of pining hopelessly behind an uncaring facade that hadn't lasted a month.
"I..." Russia started talking again, a bit hesitantly. "I still have a hard time processing I've been so blind and naive. It's not exactly a comfortable topic for me."
That, somehow, got through Alfred's distraught attitude, and his eyes were back on Ivan in an instant, his gaze full of irony and disbelief through the tears.
"Blind and naive ? You genuinely think, of you and me, you are the one who's been blind and naive ?" the American nation asked in what sounded like ironic disbelief.
Ivan merely shrugged. "You made me believe I had a chance with you. That I could somehow earn your forgiveness and your affection one day. I fell for it, hook, line and sinker. At least" he amended with a sigh, "until Matthew forced me to open up my eyes."
The Russian nation discovered with little to no surprise that stating it out loud was even less pleasant than thinking it. At least, there was no public to witness his pathetic downfall. The split second he took to think about this small mercy led him to miss the way Alfred froze at his words.
"What were the exact words Matthew told you ?" the American nation snapped.
Ivan looked back at Alfred in confusion, not expecting the pressing demand, nor the way a pair of piercing blue eyes no longer drowning in tears looked at him with such raw intensity that he felt like he was about to combust. The sudden change set off alarm bells in Russia's head, and he frowned.
"Why do you want me to say it so badly ?" the tall nation asked cautiously.
Alfred closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and opened them again. "Please."
The soft, honest plea took Ivan completely by surprise, and his lilac eyes widened a bit. He didn't understand how it could be so important to Alfred to hear those words. However, the fact that the young nation would be willing to go as far as begging him was troubling. Ivan thought about it for a minute, then made his decision. It was more than time to rip the bandage off once and for all.
"He told me he had asked you about me, then apologized because he couldn't tell me what your answer had been. Then, he added that he shouldn't tell me" Ivan explained through gritted teeth. "That doesn't left much space for interpretation, does it ? That's when I realised how much of an idiot I had been to believe I still had the slightest chance at winning your forgiveness, much less your love. I thanked him and left right after that. Happy now ?" the Russian nation finished with no small amount of bittersweet irony.
It was just as unpleasant to admit now as it had been to hear it back then, and Ivan would probably have stayed in his depressing own thoughts if not for the shocked expression on Alfred's face. America was looking at him, jaw dropped and blue eyes wide open, as if his brain had suddenly crashed.
Worry made his way in Ivan's chest, and he came closer to the young nation to shake his shoulder. "Alfred ? Wha-"
"WHAT THE FUCK !?" America shouted and pushed him back, about a second after the touch.
Then, the young nation stood up, incomprehension and anger written all over his face. Ivan blinked, unsure of what had happened to induce a shift so brutal.
"Why !?" Alfred asked him like Ivan's words made no sense. "Why did you start pretending to give a shit again if you thought I would never forgive you ? Why did you react so badly when I kissed someone else and flirted with everyone when you knew you'd never have me no matter what ?"
"Excuse me ?" Ivan asked, his features hardening.
"Why didn't you stop entirely after what Matthew told you ?" Alfred continued, as if he genuinely did not understand the situation. "All I had to do was going a bit further and you started acting like you care about what I do and who I'm with. Like... like you're going to murder anyone who dares to flirt with me !"
"Well, what did you expect me to do ?" Ivan asked derisively. "Did you really think I would just go back to being a cold and uncaring iceberg ?"
"Yes, actually ! That's how you got me in the first place, remember ?" Alfred retorted in bitter irony, and the blow made Ivan wince inwardly. "Why did you continue your act if you knew it was doomed to fail ?"
Ivan stopped trying to follow whatever reasoning the American nation was making, and offered him a tired smile. "An act ?" he repeated softly. "You think everything I did and said since you came back was an act ?"
"I know it was" Alfred retorted, but his determination wavered for a second. "You've been pretending to care for me since the night you broke my heart in New York. So why didn't you stop whe-"
"I wasn't pretending" Ivan cut him off harshly, his amethyst eyes burning. Of all the things Alfred could torture him with, the Russian nation would not let him play with the sincerity of his feelings.
"Liar" Alfred glared at him, but his resolve seemed more and more forced by the minute.
The Russian nation sighed deeply. "Alfred... I don't understand what point you're trying to make right now."
The young nation snorted, as if it should have been obvious. "You don't have feelings for me. So why did you keep pretending you have after my brother told you it would be useless ?"
Ivan's eyebrow perked up, and he looked at the American nation with a mixture of irony and disbelief. "You really think that just because I've been told you would never be mine, I would forget all about you and go on my merry way ?"
"You don't make any sense. Why would you need to forget about me when you felt nothing for me in the first place ?"
Ivan took a deep breath, pinched his nose and closed his eyes. Apparently, he would have to do all the work leading to his heart being shattered once more. But even if the result was expectedly painful, he would not let Alfred belittle his feelings. It might be the last thing he had that was worth something, and Ivan would not let it be disrespected.
"Alfred. Shut up."
"Excuse me ?" the young nation asked aggressively, but Ivan sent him one stern look that somehow seemed to work.
"I'm going to be honest with you. Which is something I should have done months ago, as I've painfully been reminded of, but you're going to listen to me anyway" the Russian stated seriously.
"What the hell are you talking about ?" Alfred retorted, and started to look nervous.
In a few, slow steps, Ivan covered the distance between them, until Alfred started to push himself against the bedframe. Then, the Russian nation took the blond's left hand with his right one, and brought it against his cheek. Alfred's skin was as warm as he remembered it to be, and he closed his eyes for a second, enjoying the contact. When he opened his eyes again, it was to see how stunned the American nation looked like, and Ivan cracked a small smile at the sight. With one more deep exhale, Ivan used his left hand to get the medallion from under his scarf and coat.
Alfred's jaw dropped when he recognised the jewel.
"You..."
"Let me talk. Please" Ivan said softly, his lilac eyes genuinely pleading.
Apparently, it was enough of a shock to get Alfred to nod and remain speechless. The Russian nation forced himself to keep looking him in the eyes. If he really was going through with this, he would make sure Alfred wouldn't doubt him.
"You're not the only one whose heart was stolen when I was using a disguise. I fell into the very trap I had so carefully designed for you, and I didn't even realise it until it was too late. Far, far too late" Ivan declared with genuine regret and sadness. "But there's nothing I can do to stop it, no way I can unsee what an amazing man you are, how smart, fun, brave, loyal, caring and beautiful you are, inside and outside. That's why the simple thought of losing you to one of those idiots who don't even try to see past your looks..." the Russian nation closed his eyes a second to get his sudden rage under control. "It's more than I can bear. Even more so with how bad I want you. All of you."
Alfred was now looking at him like a frightened animal, and Ivan could feel the young nation's pulse racing through his wrist.
"I don't understand" Alfred eventually whispered.
"I love you."
Somehow, Alfred's stunned expression managed to look even more shocked than it was until then, which was impressive, but Ivan couldn't find it in himself to notice how cute or amusing it was. He was letting go entirely, once and for all. When he would be finished, Alfred would complete his revenge, break his heart beyond repair, and they would finally be even.
"You... Yo-" Alfred stuttered, but the Russian nation didn't let him finish.
"My feelings are not going to disappear because you don't reciprocate them. Unfortunately, that's not within my power."
When the young nation opened his mouth again, Ivan stopped him with a serious, solemn look.
"However, I can... stop interfering in your life" the Russian nation declared, and had to force the words out. "But I need you to be honest with me. If all you feel for me is hatred and contempt, tell me so. My love and affection won't go away, but I will not let them get in the way anymore. I will leave you alone, I will remain professional during meetings, I will not insult or attack you when you flirt with someone else. You have but one word to say, and I promise you this is the last time you will ever hear about my feelings for you."
Ivan kept his gaze firmly into Alfred's sky-blue eyes for a couple of seconds after he finished his confession. Then, he offered him a sad smile, put the medallion back under his scarf, and let go of his hand. The warmth lingered for an instant, then disappeared as well, and the Russian nation looked away.
His part was done.