It's been a bit of a while, hasn't it? I swear I didn't mean for this to take this long but I was working 40+ hour weeks most of the summer (getting paid for overtime at a fast food restaurant is not something I ever thought would happen) and getting ready for grad school and moving to grad school (I LIVE IN LONDON. LONDON ENGLAND. I AM SO HAPPY) but now we have a chapter!
SOME DISCLAIMERS: This chapter might be... a bit much? I don't know. I love it but it may be a little much for some people so just read at your own discretion. I know nothing about how the British Army works so please excuse any discrepancies about that. I also have nothing against anyone from Iraq or the Middle East in general. Anything that might seem that way is entirely for the purpose of this story. With that said, please tell me if I need to tag any trigger warnings or anything and please enjoy!
It was almost 4:00 in the morning, and Will hadn't slept at all. Jem had been asleep since they got in bed around 10:00 the night before, but not Will. It certainly wasn't for lack of trying, though. He'd stayed completely still with his eyes closed for close to two hours with no success. He tried reading the most boring book that they owned, but even Jem's book on musical theory couldn't put him to sleep. For the last two hours, he'd been staring at Jem laying next to him. He just looked so peaceful, the exact opposite of what Will was.
The fact that he couldn't sleep probably had something to do with the fact that his mind just would not stop racing. Instead of sleeping, he was thinking about the therapy appointment he'd had a few days ago. Charlotte hadn't specifically asked, but she had brought up the fact that things would be easier for both him and her if she knew more details about what had happened. She'd also mentioned that Jem would have an easier time helping Will if he knew. He'd been thinking about what she had said almost non-stop since then, but at the moment, it seemed like he could think of nothing else.
Will eventually tore his gaze away from Jem's face, but his eyes didn't travel far. Instead, he focused on the chain around Jem's neck and the accompanying metal tags that had slipped out of his shirt. He could just make out the last few letters of Herondale, but the rest of the identifying information was hidden by the second tag. When he'd first come home, even just the sight of the chain had been a horrible reminder of what had happened. Now, though, it was a reminder of how much Jem didn't know. Even more of a reminder was the hole that he could see drilled through both tags. It wasn't often that the British army allowed tags to be kept after discharge or resignment, but when they did, it was only for very special circumstances and the hole was drilled to show that they were no longer in use. The fact that the hole was already there when he came home hadn't helped the situation at all.
Jem needed to know. He couldn't keep going on like this, knowing that Jem had no idea why certain things made him jump or have a panic attack or go into a fairly intense and sometimes dangerous flashback. All he had been told was the basic information the army had provided. Will hadn't told anybody a single thing about what had really happened There. He wasn't sure if anyone else had said anything, but that didn't matter. He hadn't told Jem anything and at the moment, the guilt he felt for it was overwhelming.
Will was suddenly struck by an almost manic urge to tell Jem everything. It felt like he would never get another chance to do it if he didn't do it right then and there. It didn't matter that Jem was fast asleep or that it was 4 AM. He needed to know, and he needed to know now.
"Jem," he said, shaking his shoulder gently. "Jem, wake up."
Thanks to Will's very frequent nightmares, Jem had become a very light sleeper and Will didn't need to do any more work to wake him up. Unfortunately, this also meant that Jem woke up in a bit of a panic until he saw that Will was wide awake and not in the middle of a nightmare or flashback.
"What's wrong? Are you alright?" Jem asked. He then got a good look at Will and asked, "Have you slept at all?"
"I'm fine," Will said. "I just have to tell you something."
Jem looked confused, but then he must have realized what Will meant because he suddenly said, "You don't have to tell me anything if you're not comfortable with it-"
Will was certainly not comfortable with telling Jem anything about what had happened, but that didn't matter. "If I don't do it now, I never will." He'd eventually have to do the same with Charlotte, but at least now he would have someone else who knew and could tell her if he couldn't.
"Okay," Jem said as he sat up. "Would it help if I just listened and didn't interrupt? If I have any questions I can just wait until you're done if you're okay with questions."
Will took a deep breath. "Yeah, that would help, I think. So…" Will suddenly found that he had no idea how to start. He'd been holding it in for months and now that he had the chance to actually say it, he couldn't. It had to happen, though, and it was best to just start at the beginning. "We were on a patrol. Me and eleven others. I was in charge, but you already knew that. Thomas was my second in command. All eleven of them were my responsibility.
"They just came out of nowhere. They must have been hiding somewhere in the hills nearby but wherever they were, we didn't have time to prepare. It was a whole group of Iraqi soldiers with assault rifles and they started shooting at us before we even knew they were there. They shot four people and two of them died right there. They basically rounded us up like cattle and blindfolded everyone. Thomas and I had to help the two that got shot. It really wasn't easy to try to walk while holding someone else up and blindfolded and every time we tripped they would shove their guns into our backs. I guess the two that got killed just got left behind. I didn't ask and I didn't really want to think about it. So they just herded us through the blazing hot desert and we had no idea where we were going, until we ended up There."
Will felt Jem grab one of his hands and looked down to see that the hand Jem wasn't holding was in a white-knuckled fist in his lap. He took another deep breath, but this one was shuddering and not calming like that last one had been. "When we got there, they took basically everything we had. Jackets, any weapons we had, ID tags, radios… When they thought they had everything, they found a switchblade that Thomas had in his boot and searched us again. Then they brought us into what was pretty much a medieval dungeon. They even had chains and shackles on the wall. They chained us all up and then took the blindfolds off, not that there was much to see. There was light when the door was open, but when it was closed, it was almost pitch black in there. I got the shortest chains out of the whole group. I think it was because I was the squad leader and they didn't want me trying anything. Everyone else had enough slack to walk around a bit, but all I had was a few feet. They put Thomas next to me so I at least had that.
"It was… horrible. Every time they came in they were either yelling at us or laughing at us. I don't know what they were yelling about but they always seemed angry. Maybe they noticed the patrols looking for us and thought we had contacted them somehow. Whatever it was, they would just yell and kick and spit. Sometimes we would go days without seeing them and just be left alone in the darkness. They were definitely still there, though. If we tried to talk to each other, they would bang something on the door. It was a heavy iron door, so it was really loud, whatever it was. Probably something metal from the sound of it.
"The only good thing they did was keep a consistent schedule with the food, not that it was good. Everyone got one extremely stale and sometimes moldy piece of bread and some old can with really dirty and nasty water." As he said this, a look of realization passed over Jem's face. The stale bread trigger had been a bit of a mystery and he had clearly just figured out where it came from. "The cans always had really sharp edges so we quickly learned to be very careful. It definitely wasn't a balanced diet, but at least we weren't starving to death or dying from dehydration. Not at the beginning, anyway.
"It was freezing in there. We were basically in a cave below the surface in the desert, which gets very cold at night, and we had no sun to warm it up. It wasn't quite as cold as it usually gets at night in the desert but it was still cold. All we had were t-shirts and pants that were made for hot desert temperatures, not cold caves. We tried to kind of huddle together to stay warm, but it was hard because we were all chained up and I had a lot less room to move than everyone else. That's one of the reasons that being chained up was bad, but the other reason is… so much worse."
"I don't know why they did it. I don't know if it was something we did that made them angry or just because they had us there and they could do it. Whatever the reason was, they seemed to enjoy doing it. They would just randomly walk in. It didn't matter what time it was. They came in in the middle of what I assume was the night once and did it. They would walk in, and they would shoot someone."
Will noticed Jem's eyes immediately go to his leg, which had been pulled up far enough that the covers weren't hiding the scar that hadn't been there before he'd been deployed.
"Usually it was just an arm or a shoulder or a leg," he continued. "Sometimes they either had really bad aim or were extra angry and it was someone's chest or stomach. They never went for anyone's head. I think they wanted whoever they shot to suffer and not die instantly. If that's what they wanted, they were pretty successful. The ones who didn't die in a few hours from blood loss got really bad infections. We didn't have any sort of medical supplies or anything. We only had bandages when we ripped up our t-shirts and those were already dirty. If we asked for medical supplies, they either didn't understand us or didn't care. We had to choose between infections or blood loss. When someone can die from both, it's not an easy choice. We lost five soldiers from that. The two that got shot when we got captured were the first ones to go. Every time we lost another one I knew it was my fault cause I was supposed to protect them and instead I got them captured. I guess I deserved it when it was my turn."
He reached down and scratched at the scar on his leg. It was almost like a phantom itch or sting, even though it had healed months ago. "I don't… I don't remember much. All I remember is them coming in and pointing the gun at me, and then laying on the ground with someone holding me down and Thomas trying to pull the bullet out. I guess infection set in pretty fast cause Thomas couldn't wash his hands and the shirt they used to bandage it was dirty. I basically had one foot in the grave for a few days. They all thought I wasn't going to make it. The only other thing I remember from that is randomly waking up and telling Thomas…"
Will didn't realize that he had stopped until he felt Jem squeeze his hand. He didn't know why he was scared to say this. Everything else had come out so easily, but not this. It's not like it was a secret anymore, but when he had said it for the first time, he'd been half delirious and vulnerable and thought it was his last chance. It hadn't been, and now he couldn't even say it.
"What did you tell Thomas?" Jem whispered. He was supposed to wait for the end to ask questions, but it wasn't really a question and more of an encouragement.
"I asked him… I thought I was going to die. I thought I wouldn't see you again. I asked him to tell you that I loved you because I thought I wouldn't be able to and that he was going to make it out and could tell you instead. I was sure I was dying and the only regret I had was that I never told you. I wanted you to know, even if I wasn't there to say it myself."
Will felt something drip onto his hand and suddenly realized that there were tears on his face. He hadn't noticed that he was crying. He'd been too focused on telling Jem about what he thought were going to be his last words.
"I guess I started getting better after that. The fever started going down, the wound started to heal a bit… it still looked horrible, though. I guess it couldn't really heal very well cause it never got cleaned properly. As soon as I was aware enough and remembered what I said, I begged Thomas not to say anything to you. He said he wouldn't, but he also said that I needed to tell you at some point. I guess he got want he wanted."
They were getting towards the end now. He'd explained some of the strange triggers he had, explained the cold temperatures and chains and bullets wounds. There was still one thing that he hadn't explained, though. It was probably the worst part of the whole story, the one thing he felt the most guilty for. Of course he felt guilty for all the pain and suffering and death that had been caused to the soldiers he was in charge of, and everything that his family and friends had gone through while he was missing, but this one was different. This one was directly his fault and could have been easily prevented.
"They didn't like me. That was pretty obvious. I yelled at them every time they came in. I tried to go for them a few times but I never got very far because of the chains. I even tripped one when they walked past once. They really didn't like that one. One day I guess they just got fed up and decided to take care of the problem. They were probably worried that I would end up figuring out a way to escape and get everyone out, so I guess the best solution was to kill me." Will heard Jem's gasp when he said that but ignored it. He hadn't even gotten to the worst part yet. "It was basically the same as when they shot me in the leg. They just randomly came in and the guy pointed the gun at me, but they weren't aiming at my leg this time. This time they were going for the heart. I didn't realize what was going on until they pulled the trigger. Apparently, I was the only one. The soldier that was closest to the guy with the gun tried to tackle him but the chains were too short. Thomas… The chains they put on him were long enough for him to be able to get in front of me and they shot him instead."
Will was shaking. He hadn't told anyone what had really happened to Thomas, not even the army officials who came to get all the information they could. He hadn't said anything about it to Sophie, either. All anyone knew was that Thomas was shot in the chest, but not why. "He didn't die right away. It was pretty quick, but it took a few minutes. There wasn't even any point in trying to get the bullet out or stop the bleeding. There was only time for him to beg me to tell Sophie that he loved her. I don't know if he only did it because I asked him the same thing or if that was his plan all along if something like that happened, but I told him he could do it himself when we got out. He wasn't happy about that. He made me promise to do it, and then he was gone. He died in my arms. His blood was all over me.
"It was a few hours before they came and took him. Apparently I just sat there holding him the entire time and then lost it when they tried to take him. They made one of my own men hold me back so they could unchain him and take him away. They did that with everyone who died. They would just take them and dump them somewhere in the desert. I guess they found the area pretty soon after they found us, but there really wasn't much left. Thomas was the only one who they could easily identify. They had dumped all our gear near where they ambushed us so they had all our ID tags, but they didn't know who was who.
"I don't really remember the day they found us. It was the day after Thomas died. I think I was still kind of in shock. All I remember is seeing Gabriel right in front of me and then blinding white light when we got outside. I guess I was just sitting there staring at my bloody hands when they came in. The only thing I reacted to was when Gabriel tried to unlock the cuffs and I panicked. I probably thought he was one of them. They took us to the hospital on the base first, and then transferred us back to London the next day. There were only four of us left, and we all needed medical attention. Malnutrition, muscle atrophy, infections… it wasn't good. You know what happened after that. Probably better than I do, anyway. The end, I guess."
Jem nodded. "I'm glad you told me. I know it wasn't easy."
"How am I supposed to tell Charlotte all of that?"
"You don't have to tell her all at once," Jem said. "Maybe just a bit at a time, or just enough to explain some triggers. Eventually she'll know the whole story. I could help, if you want. Maybe I could write everything down and you can just give her that?"
Will shook his head. "No, I'll tell her. You shouldn't have to do that for me."
Jem was quiet for a minute, then said, "None of this was your fault, Will. You have to understand that. Nobody blames you for anything that happened. Not Sophie, not the other soldiers… Not me. The only people to blame are the soldiers who took you. Whatever punishment they got was nothing compared to what they deserved for doing that."
Will nodded, but he didn't believe Jem. If he had just been more aware, tried to fight back, pushed Thomas away in time…
"Let's try to sleep, okay?" Jem said. Will was about to mention the nightmares that were probably going to be extra bad that night when Jem interrupted him. "I know there's going to be nightmares, but I'm right here. I'll wake up if anything happens."
Jem laid down again, but Will didn't move. He was almost scared to go to sleep, scared of what he would see after everything he had said today. He stayed sitting up until he felt Jem gently tugging on his arm. He finally relented and ended up with his face buried in Jem's shoulder.
"You'll be okay, I'm right here," was the last thing he heard before he fell asleep.
There were nightmares that night, as they had both expected. Every single one was about Thomas.