So... that was quick. This chapter was one paragraph long when my class started at 11:00 this morning. By the time I was done with classes at 4:00, it was five pages long. Should I be writing during a grad school class? Definitely not. Was a productive? Unbelievably so. Also, Will and Jem have an actual flat (that I may have spent a long time searching for on realty sites) so just imagine them in this flat. The link is on the first word of the chapter on AO3 if you want to check it out (and there's a floor plan!)
Also:
TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS. PLEASE READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION. IF YOU WANT TO SKIP IT STOP READING AT "Will didn't realize what was he was doing" AND RESUME AT "or even just the tiniest bit of caring". PLEASE BE CAREFUL AND DON'T READ IF YOU AREN'T COMFORTABLE WITH THIS SUBJECT.

The day that Jem knew it was getting bad was a long one. It started around 4 AM with a nightmare that turned into a flashback that Will never really recovered from. He would start to calm down, but then there would be some loud noise outside or some small reminder and he'd be right back where he started.

Despite that, Will still insisted on going to the appointment with the nutritionist that was scheduled for that day. He'd been going every two weeks since being discharged from the hospital at the request of his doctor. After spending three months chained to a wall and eating only stale bread, he was underweight and malnourished. He couldn't just start eating normally, though. Instead, he had to work with a nutritionist to make sure that he was eating the right diet and the right amount to get back to where he was before being captured.

Out of all the appointments he had had with her so far, that one was by far the most disappointing. Will was informed that he was not where the nutritionist thought he should be. He'd been eating all of the foods she told him to eat and all of the portion sizes he was supposed to have, but he hadn't progressed as much as he should have. He wasn't really surprised, though. There were days when he never got out of bed and subsequently never ate. It didn't sound good, but he found it easy. He'd gotten used to ignoring how hungry he was during those three months and sometimes forgot that he could just go to the fridge and eat.

Still, he couldn't help feeling disappointed. It felt like he had done all that work for nothing and that he should even bother doing it anymore. If what he was already doing wasn't working, why should he try anymore?

The day only got worse from there. While picking up all the clothes that he just chucked into the wardrobe instead of actually hanging up or folding them at Jem's request, Will found a shirt that had been wedged behind a shoe for at least three months. He knew it had been that long because the last time he had worn that shirt was when he went to Sophie's flat to relay Thomas's final message to her.

He could still remember it like it had happened yesterday. The untouched tea had gone cold on the coffee table. Will had danced around the subject for almost an hour before Sophie asked why he had come. He could still remember her death grip on his hand when he told her that Thomas had always loved her and that it was the only thing he wanted to say in his last moments. He remembered her repeating "It's not your fault. Please, Will, it wasn't your fault" through her tears and just knowing that she had no idea what had really happened to Thomas and that if she knew, she would not be saying the same thing.

Will didn't realize what was he was doing until he found himself in the bathroom and staring at the pill bottles lined up on the counter. There were five of them now. Anti-anxiety, anti-psychotics, anti-depressants… Most of the prescriptions had been filled a few days ago so the bottles were pretty full. His hands were shaking where they were gripping the counter, but not enough that they wouldn't be able to open a child-safe cap. There was a cup right there next to the sink. Everything was perfectly in place. It wouldn't take long. Jem wouldn't even know for a while.

But.

He didn't want to do this. He'd already caused enough suffering to Jem and his parents and his sisters. If he did this, they would never recover. So, instead of going through with what he had almost unconsciously done, he scooped up all five pill bottles, took a deep breath…

And went to find Jem.

Jem was in his office, listening to what was probably something he was going to be playing in the orchestra on his headphones. He was petting Church, who was curled up in his lap and purring. He looked so happy and peaceful and Will almost didn't want to disturb him, but he needed to. It was basically a matter of life and death.

Church saved him the trouble by sitting up slightly and meowing at him. Jem turned to see what Church was distracted by and saw Will standing in the doorway. He smiled at first, but that smile disappeared when he saw the pill bottles in Will's hands.

"Is everything okay?" he asked, taking off his headphones and standing up. Church was forced to jump off of his lap, and he was clearly not happy about it if the loud yowl was anything to go by.

Will dropped the bottles into Jem's hands with basically no warning and said, "I need you to take these and hide them somewhere. When I need to take them, just bring me the pills. Don't tell me where they are and don't let me see where you put them."

Jem looked almost terrified. Just that request, and the way that Will's hand were shaking, was enough for him to figure out what Will had almost done. He nodded and closed his hands around the bottles. "I'll be right back. You can close your eyes, cover your ears, whatever you need to do."

He was gone a second later and closed the door behind him. Will could still hear him walking on the hardwood floors, so he curled up in the corner, buried his face in his knees, and pressed his hands over his ears. He had no desire to even know what room Jem was hiding them in. The more he knew, the more dangerous it was. He jumped a bit when he felt something heavy settle over his feet. He didn't realize what it was until he heard licking noises and realized that Church, the cat who for some reason had a personal vendetta against him, had laid down on his feet.

He knew Jem was back a few minutes later when he felt someone sit down on the floor next to him. He felt a gentle tap on his hand and slowly uncovered his ears so he could hear Jem say, "They're hidden now. You can do the same thing when I go get them for you to take later. I'm also going to buy a safe, if that makes you feel better. That way, if you do find it, you can't get into it. Is that okay?"

Will nodded and leaned into Jem. Church clearly felt that his job was done and migrated over to Jem's lap instead, probably to make up for the interruption earlier. He felt Jem's arm go over his shoulder and immediately there was a huge sense of relief. If he had actually done what he was about to do, he wouldn't have been able to have this. No hugs or kisses from Jem, no strange moments where Church showed affection (or even just the tiniest bit of caring)…

The day still wasn't over, though. Only an hour after that incident, Will found himself in one of the worst flashbacks he'd had so far. It started around 3:00 that afternoon, and by the time he had come back to himself enough to register what time it was, it was almost 7:00 in the evening. His scalp was sore where he had had his hand fisted into his hair, which he was used to, but what he wasn't used to were the deep tooth marks where he had been biting his hand. He hadn't broken the skin, but it was enough force to leave a bruise. Jem had spent most of the time trying to pull his hand out of his mouth and the other hand out of his hair with no success. The rest of the time had been spent trying to get Will to calm down and pull him out of the flashback, with just about the same amount of success.

Jem used to be able to be enough to stop the flashback or panic attack before it got too bad, but that wasn't the case anymore. No amount of Jem or breathing techniques or anti-psychotics seemed to do the trick. It was getting bad, and it was getting bad fast.

. .

Over the next few weeks, things didn't get any better. They only seemed to get worse, if that was even possible. Will only left the flat when he had a therapy or nutritionist appointment. If it was for any other reason, he refused to go. That meant that Jem either had to get a grocery delivery or leave him home alone, which never went well.

It was during one of those solo shopping trips that Jem decided that he couldn't leave Will alone anymore. He'd rushed through the shop, trying to go as fast as he could so that Will wouldn't be home alone for too long. The employees at the shop knew him and Will well enough that they knew to scan his items as fast as they could and pack the bags for him while he paid. They didn't really know why he needed to rush, but they knew to go fast.

When Jem got home, he knew something was wrong. Church rubbed against his legs as he took off his shoes, but other than that, the flat was silent. He immediately realized what was going on when he went to put the groceries away. The bathroom door, which they usually left open, was closed. Jem quickly put away the few refrigerated items so that he wouldn't have to worry about it why he was trying to help Will. Once that was done, he went back to the bathroom door, knocked gently, and then let himself in when he didn't hear a reply.

The first thing he saw was Will in what they often called the "flashback position." He was curled up next to the bathtub, one hand in his hair, and the other in his mouth.

The second thing he saw was the blood.

One very stressful car ride and A&E visit later, they learned that Will had been biting his hand so hard that he had broken the skin and fractured a bone in his hand. They couldn't put a cast on his hand because of the wounds, and they couldn't just bandage the wounds because of the fracture. Instead, they had to use a combination of gauze and a Velco wrist brace to allow the bone to be immobilized and allow easy access for wound care. He was also prescribed antibiotics just to be safe and was sent home with strict instructions to keep it clean. They tried to prescribe stronger painkillers just in case he needed them, but after the events of a few weeks ago, Jem refused and insisted that he would be fine with paracetamol.

There were only two positives to the whole situation. The first was that Will was out of it enough because of the flashback and the painkillers they gave him in A&E to not realize that he was in a hospital. The other was that the brace kept him from aggravating the injury the next time he had a flashback. That gave Jem the idea of getting a pair of ski gloves or something similar to prevent further injury, although it would be difficult to get the gloves onto Will when a flashback started and he couldn't go around wearing them all the time.

One of the few things that went well during that time was in the bedroom department. Instead of having to keep the lights on all night, Jem bought a nightlight that just plugged into the wall and had a sensor that allowed it to turn on only when it was dark in the room. He plugged it into the outlet on Will's side of the bed so that the light would be brightest there. It didn't need to light up the whole room, but just a bit of light was enough to tell a half-awake and disoriented Will that he wasn't in a dark and cold cave anymore.

. .

The first time in a month that Will saw someone who wasn't Jem, Charlotte, the A&E staff, or the nutritionist was when Tessa came home. She'd been in the US for about nine months visiting family and was finally coming back to the UK. Jem had insisted on having a little party to welcome her back home and, after asking Will if he was okay with it a million times, he decided to have it at their flat. There would only be a few people there. Gideon and Gabriel had said they were both coming and Sophie said she would be there after work. Jessamine had been invited but she was doing something girly and boring that Jem didn't need a whole explanation to so he had just told her that she was welcome to come if her plans fell through and hung up.

Since the bedroom shared a wall with the living room, where the party would take place, the plan was that Will would just go into Jem's office if it was too much and he needed to escape for a few minutes. It was well lit, very calming, separated from the living room by three rooms and two doors, and had a door that could lock if he needed to feel extra secure, although Jem probably wouldn't be happy about it. Everyone that was coming had been informed that he might just disappear at some point. Will didn't know about it, but everyone had also been asked to not mention the three months he was missing or anything related to that. They didn't know the story so he didn't give them specific topics to not mention, but what he had asked was hopefully enough.

Will wasn't worried about what they might ask him or accidentally mention that might set him off. The only thing he was worried about was being surrounded by people who had all been involved or had some connection to the events of the last few months. Sophie was a direct reminder of Thomas and what had happened to him. Gideon and Gabriel had been leading the team that ended up finding them, and Gabriel himself had been the one to unchain Will and help him outside. Tessa was the only one who wasn't involved, but she brought her own type of anxiety. The last time he had seen Tessa was the day before he was deployed when she came over to say goodbye to him before he left because she was going on a road trip with friends the next day. She had been in America when Jem got the news from Will's parents. She had asked Jem if she needed to come back, but he had told her that there was nothing she could do and to not cut her trip short. She was still there when Jem called her crying to tell her that Will had been found and he was coming home. This would be the first time she had seen this new version of him, and he was scared she wouldn't even recognize him anymore.

Sophie was the first one to arrive. She hugged Jem, and after a nod from Will, hugged him too. It was a rare day where he didn't feel like he was toeing the line between normalcy and a complete breakdown, so seeing her wasn't about to send him over the edge like even the thought of her sometimes could.

Sophie didn't notice the black wrist brace and the gauze peeking out from under it until after the hug was over. When she did, she grabbed his hand to inspect it and asked, "What happened to you?"

"It's a long story," Will said, "but you should see the other guy."

He could almost feel Jem rolling his eyes.

Sophie just gave him a Look. She must have been taking lessons from Jem. "Just don't punch Gabriel and break the other hand, I guess."

"Gabriel and my hand are safe. I like him better now so there's nothing to worry about."

"How about we stop talking about Gabriel's safety and let Sophie put everything down?" Jem said, although Will could tell he was trying not to laugh. "You can just put it all in the kitchen." Sophie followed him down the hall to the kitchen to unload the boxes of pastries she had brought for the party. Jem had told her not to bring anything, but she had insisted. They had assumed it would be a box of biscuits that she had picked up on the way or a vegetable tray but instead it looked like she had been baking all night.

Gabriel and Gideon arrived a few minutes later. They had only been home for a few weeks because unlike Will, they still had a deployment to finish after finding Will and what was left of his squad. Because of that, this was the first time he'd seen them since then, not that he remembered much of it.

While they were waiting for Tessa, whose train had been unexpectedly delayed because one of the carriage doors wouldn't close, both Will and Jem noticed Sophie and Gideon on the balcony, standing a bit closer together than people who had just met usually did. Gideon was smiling, and Sophie was giggling and blushing at something he had said. Jem noticed first and quietly pointed it out to Will.

He initially expected to feel angry, but as soon as he saw them and realized what was going on, he felt happy. She wasn't betraying Thomas. She had felt the same way about him, but they had never been together and Thomas was gone. She was moving on, and even though Thomas loved her, he wouldn't have wanted her to spend the rest of her life mourning him. It felt good to see her happy, but he still couldn't help feeling guilty for Thomas's death and the mourning that Sophie had done because of it. No matter how happy Sophie was, that would never go away.

Will needed a distraction from his own brain, so when he heard a knock he jumped up before Jem could and went to answer the door. He barely had time to even register it was Tessa before she had dropped her bag and smothered him in a hug.

The unexpectedness of it made him flinch, but Tessa didn't seem to notice because she just squeezed tighter. It was okay, though. She hadn't been around and she didn't know what to be careful of.

Tessa only let go when Will patted her on the back and choked out, "I do actually need oxygen." She immediately let go but still held on to his shoulders while she looked him up and down.

"You look so different," she said.

Will nodded. "Yeah, trauma will do that."

Tessa rolled her eyes, whacked him on the shoulder, and asked, "How are you, really?"

"I've been better," Will said.

"How's Gabriel's face?" she asked, pointing at his hand.

"Horrible, but I had nothing to do with it. Now, everyone's been anxiously awaiting your arrival, so you'd better come with me before they come looking for you."

Will led Tessa down the hall and into the living room. He stopped in the doorway for a quick "Look who I found!" before stepping to the side and letting Tessa in. She was immediately swamped by everyone but Jem, who stayed back so he could give her a proper greeting. When he did, they hugged for almost as long as she had done her anaconda impression on Will, then separated to talk for a minute. Will was telling an outrageous and very untrue story about he hurt his hand saving an innocent child from a bloodthirsty duck, but he noticed Tessa looking over at him and Jem nodding and replying to whatever she had said.

Tessa knew the basics. She knew he had been missing for three months and that he had spent a while in the hospital when he came home. She knew he was in therapy and had been diagnosed with PTSD. But, despite all that, she didn't know what had happened during those three months, everything that had happened in the hospital, or just how severe the PTSD was.

The night went pretty well. Will only had to retreat to Jem's office once, and not even for very long. When he was surrounded by friends and having the most fun he had had in months, it was easy to forget just how bad all the other times were. Not too easy, though. The brace on his hand and the safe hidden somewhere in the flat would never let him forget.

But for tonight, he just let himself relax. He could worry about that tomorrow.