I had one last night with Jonny before real life intruded.
When he walked into the hall and pulled me on stage, I thought my life was complete. I felt beautiful as I stood on that stage and Jonny told the world what I meant to him. When we started to dance, all those steps that had filled my head in the past just fell away. Everything was easier because it was simply an expression of my love for him, instinctual, my body moving for him. And then my father gave us his blessing, or at least as much as he could. The moment could not be more perfect. As Jonny led me back to his cabin I was planning our future together. The Peace Corps could wait, maybe even university, because Jonny and I were going to make a life together.
When he made love to me it was different, Jonny seemed to be savouring every moment, worshiping me as he gave me everything he could. I knew joy like I had never known before, but I didn't realize or appreciate it as I was distracted dreaming of the life ahead of us. I should have known.
At dawn, Jonny woke me and gently made love to me again. When we were done, he just held me for a long time, not speaking, not sleeping, just the two of us existing together. Then, he began to talk.
Right away, I could tell that he had put a lot of thought into what he was about to say, his tone a strange new mix of strength, serenity, and finality. While I savoured this new found voice, I knew I did not want to hear what he had to say.
"I meant what I said on that stage earlier. You have shown me the kind of person I want to be. You are so brave, and so strong, and you are going to change the world someday. But, you aren't going anywhere with a guy like me around." He gently covered my mouth with his fingers to halt my protest, stroking my arm with his other hand to soften the blow.
"My life is never going to be the same, because of you, but I am never going to be the guy you need. This moment is perfect, and I want to capture it and make this be how we remember each other. If you stay with me, I would just hold you back, and you would grow to resent me, and this moment would start to look different to you."
I tried to argue with him, but I could tell his mind was made up. In that instant, all my fantasies came crashing down. I wish I could say I dealt with it gracefully, that I accepted what he said and savoured our last moments together, but I didn't. I was hurt, and I lashed out. I threw a few things at him, it is probably just as well that he had already moved out of the cabin, so there wasn't much for me to grab, and I said a few things I would rather forget. Thankfully Jonny had the cooler head, and some of the maturity I lacked at that moment and grabbed me just as I was about to leave.
Holding me tight and ignoring the pathetic blows my fists tried to land, Jonny gently kissed my forehead and said, "I'm sorry I hurt you, but remember this, I am always going to love you. Your example is going to guide me to be the person I want to be, and once you get away from all this you are going to see that I am right. I love you." And with that he gave me one last kiss and left.
Without his support I crumpled onto the floor, resembling the discarded tissue I felt like. I'm not sure how long I sat there crying, but eventually my father came to get me. All I could say was "He's gone." To my father's credit, he didn't say a word, didn't try to make it all better. He just put his arm around me and said "Let's go home."
I'm not going to pretend that getting over Jonny was easy, actually I don't think the words getting over apply, maybe getting past would be better. My first semester at university passed in a daze. My marks were nothing to brag about, and I made few friends, but eventually I started to come back. As the summer got further and further away, I started to look at myself, and see what I was becoming. I didn't like it, so I found some of that bravery Jonny had claimed I had, and made some changes. I reached down inside, past the pain and hurt, and found the part of me that wanted to go places change the world, and gave it permission to live again. I got my grades back up, and by the end of my four years, got my degree with honours and had made a few close friends. After I finished university I enrolled in the Peace Corps and did a term in Bolivia. I came back from that experience whole and ready to take on the world. I had secured myself an internship with the World Bank and my parents had helped me with the down payment on a lovely little bungalow. I had the life I had always wanted and I was in complete control, or so I thought…