Whatever he was in – be it a void or simply darkness itself – was heavy and refusing to let go even as awareness dragged at him. Caught in the limbo between both states of being, he simply existed with no thoughts till something outside of him changed.
He wasn't sure when it had started, nor when he had realized he noticed it, but there was a faint buzzing that was slowly, steadily increasing that made him think of forgetfulness; though it wasn't so much about forgetfulness itself as it was about him having forgotten something that had probably been important. He just couldn't remember what it was he was supposed to remember.
Voices joined the buzzing. A few rang rather familiar, others did not. A lot did not. He frowned in that nothingness now concerned with what he had forgotten. With those few familiar voices came the sudden sense of urgency and foreboding and he couldn't for the life of him remember what it was these feelings were meant to be towards.
There was the impression of an image – a mask-like white face with cracks from both void-like eyes and an equally void-like grin spreading too wide – and his eyes snapped open. Air rushed his lungs and his heart rate soared, clashing with the immediate lead weight of his body. He choked on the air and his body reacted accordingly. The coughing rattled even the heaviest parts of him and his body's infuriating reaction jerked him into a sitting position. Surprise mingled with the pain, panic, and adrenaline of the coughing fit as he took in the blurry view of the room. Bodies blurred beyond recognition pressed in at the edge of his bed and what he could make out of the room looked a lot like his room in the lab. Words flittered in and out of his mind but none were comprehensible as the coughing fit zapped him of what strength the adrenaline had given him. Sluggishly he pulled himself away from those nearest him; none of the voices brought comfort and the dark shapes beyond the speakers added a weight to his chest that cut off even more air.
A spot of off-white, round and stout, drew his attention instantly as the bodies nearest his bed ebbed and flowed. That spot of off-white had two dark spots on it and, despite not wearing his glasses, he knew exactly what it was.
"Sans," he croaked, reaching towards the spot. The effort it took to reach out was more than he could handle while trying to stay as upright as he was and flopped back onto the mattress. Another spot of off-white – this one oblong and a bit more rectangular – joined the first, both cutting in front of the mass of bodies to stand at his side. They both bent close enough for him to see both their faces, blurry but clear enough to discern the relief. "Papyrus." He reached for them both and he felt two different boney hands take his. "What's going on? What happened?"
Papyrus reached around his brother and grabbed something that didn't make sense to his brain till the skeleton brought it to Alex's face and the world cleared. He blinked against the sudden clarity as the glasses settled on the bridge of his nose. Not only could he see the brothers clearly, he could now make out those behind them. He tugged on Sans's hand, asking in a low voice, "And who are all these people?"
Sans's expression changed to something that made his stomach drop. He couldn't find the words to describe the look but he watched as the stout skeleton turned away, asking one of the people behind him, "Tori, do you and the others mind giving us a minute?"
One of the goat monsters nodded as everyone filed out. Everyone, that is, except for Sans and Papyrus.
The more that left, the greater the shadows grew, and more than just exhaustion had him shaking.
"Alex." He looked at Sans, finding an expression that spoke so much more than the gentle, careful way the other had said his name. "Can you tell me what you remember before waking up?"
He frowned. The memories were there, he could almost see them, but some sort of apprehension made him avoid the question. It was irrational, truly. Memories couldn't hurt him. "Wh….Yes, but what does that have to do with my questions?"
He was given a strained smile. "Please, Alex? Just humor me."
His shaking increased as he relented, his hand gaining a squeeze from the skeleton ones still holding on. He didn't want to talk about it, didn't want to even think about it, but he knew he was being ridiculous. It wasn't like it was a hard question. He could remember what had happened before he had fallen asleep. He forced his mouth to move, forced the words out, because Sans had asked him to. "You and Papyrus had been cau…cap…."
The words stalled out. He could see it, could see them tied up to the tables, blue spears appearing to pierce their restraints. He felt Papyrus's dead weight, heard Sans's voice through the room. He remembered running, remembered…
Something wrapped around his chest, squeezing hard, yanking him back, and he tried to scrape at whatever was holding onto him but his arms were pinned and whatever it was didn't move. It didn't even budge against all of his desperate flailing. A desperate, wordless cry escaped his lips as he panicked. Magic rushed over him and terror ripped through his throat.
He screamed.
He found his back colliding with something hard. The wind was knocked out of him but he didn't still, didn't stop as he tried to get away. He had to get away. He couldn't – wouldn't – let it do it to him again. He wouldn't survive a second time!
Firm hands pressed on either side of his face and he blinked rapidly, vision clearing. Words suddenly rushed his mind and he started to realize Sans was talking to him as the skeleton held his head steady, low voice calm as Papyrus hovered not far behind. His breathing stuttered as he gasped for air and suddenly he couldn't breathe for a completely different reason. It was all he could do to not be swallowed by panic a second time as his lungs seized and the coughing fit stole his ability to breathe.
Everything hurt.
There on the edge of blissful unconsciousness he felt himself returning to full awareness with each painful but easy breath. His face felt tacky. He tried to rub at it but his arm was too heavy.
"Welcome back." Sans's voice wrapped around him, just as careful as the silence that followed. He closed his eyes to blink but found that it was difficult to open them again. He got them to open anyways. "Do you need anything?"
He shook his head slowly out of a habitual reaction but the motion was sedated and stalled out halfway through. Annoyance flittered briefly through the exhaustion weighing him down. "No."
"Do you know what happened?"
Alex frowned at that, assuming Sans was talking about whatever had led to him 'waking up', but he couldn't seem to pin down any distinct memories. His chest burned like it did after one of his really bad fits. "One of my fits," he croaked tentatively. What else could it have been?
The air around him grew thick. "What?" he demanded with another croak. His throat hurt.
"You had a panic attack, Alex," Papyrus corrected him gently. "A really, really bad one."
"Do you remember it getting triggered?" Sans asked, concern heavy in his words.
Alex gave a wry sort of chuckle. It scraped against his lungs and caused him to cough a few times. They were small coughs that barely moved him but they still hurt. "I don't even remember the fit, so no." He let that hang in the air, waiting for anything to be said. When nothing came, he asked softly, "So how bad are we talking?"
"You remember the day terror Pap and I had before we were kidnapped?"
He frowned. They had been kidnapped? "Yes," he spoke, his words heavy with his confusion, "but when di–"
"Worse than that kind of bad," Sans cut in. "I don't really know what Pap and I did when we had been trapped in it but I do know that we hadn't really reacted physically. I saw the aftermath of Pap's experience. But you…"
The words died and Alex wondered if he wanted to know the rest.
"Alex." Papyrus came into his line of sight and he blinked at the skeleton. His eyelids didn't want to open when he had closed them but he forced them open. "I'm going to place my hands on your chest and use healing magic. Is that alright?"
He frowned. "Why do you need to–"
He had moved to see why Papyrus would need to waste magic on him, but Sans's hand covered his forehead and pressed his head back down, pinning it down. Panic swirled in his gut as his position was changed by the action and he found himself staring up at Sans. "Why does he need to heal me?" Sans didn't answer him, didn't even look at him as Papyrus came closer. Alex thrashed, scared. Sans pinned him by placing his other hand at the top of his sternum. Exhaustion kept the rest of him still despite the adrenaline now rushing through him. "Sans! Why does he need to heal me?!"
"You dug at your chest."
That cut through even the panic and froze him in place. "What?" he managed to choke out.
"It's nothing overly serious," Sans assured him, though the other's tone was flat and Sans was still not looking at him. "You managed to tear your shirt and some of the scratches are bleeding but it's nothing serious."
"I don't understand," Alex countered, flinching when he felt his shirt get pulled away from his body. Whatever angle Sans had his head pinned at made it hard for him to even see Papyrus. "Why does that warrant all this? Why can't I look?"
"Because you don't remember the panic attack."
The silence was filled with the faint hum of magic as Alex felt two skeleton hands press against his chest. He flinched away, a part of him feeling too exposed and wanting to get away, to hide and cover himself. The larger part of him flinched back out of fear. The magic that curled over him and seeped into his body made his lungs itch like he had to cough and his heart ache under the weight but the warmth of it made him want to sleep again. It was oddly familiar and despite not being able to recall any time prior he could have become familiar with the lanky skeleton's magic, it soothed some of his fried nerves and he didn't resist as it carefully spread through him, ever conscious of his condition.
"Can you answer a few questions for me?" Sans softly inquired, drawing his attention away from Papyrus's magic. "Simple things that will hopefully not have you falling into another attack."
He frowned, focusing on San's face. The skeleton wasn't looking at him but that was fine. It was a decent assumption that Sans was watching his brother work, after all. He could see the brilliant green of Papyrus's healing magic reflecting off of Sans's face. "Sure."
"How many years has it been since your mom died?"
"Sans!" Papyrus snapped as Alex flinched at the spike of magic. The magic was quickly quelled.
Alex raised his hand but it only hovered about a foot under where he had intended for it to go before it fell back to the bed. "It's ok, Pap. It's a good question. It checks to make sure I know what year I'm in and how many years have passed from a significant event." Not that he remembered the event specifically but that wasn't important right now. He focused back on Sans. "16 years."
"Can you describe what your mom and dad looked like?"
He closed his eyes on that one, feeling the guilt churning in him for one of those mentioned but he was already answering, "No."
"Who founded the Snowdin Lab?"
"Asgore and Toriel Dreemer."
"Have you met either of them?"
His eyes opened as he frowned. "Not that I can recall."
"What did we do for your birthday?"
"This last one? The three of us went to the frozen lake nearby and spent the afternoon and evening ice skating and eating what food we had taken along."
"And the one before that?"
Alex wondered if the hint of resolve was part of his imagination. "We had a small celebration after you guys cornered me on my smoke break." His expression softened with the fondness of the memory. "It was the same time you guys called me family."
"Did we do anything afterward?"
Again he frowned. "Not that I can remember."
"And how many people work at the lab?"
That stopped Alex short. He tried to remember, tried bringing up the number that he felt like he should know just as readily as his own age, but he couldn't get a number to appear, let alone any faces. "I…I don't know. I know people float in and out but I don't know the current amount. I'm assuming those strangers are part of that number, then?"
"Most of them," Sans confirmed, his words heavy. He didn't like the sound of that.
A scream ripped itself from his chest.
Any thoughts of asking Sans to clarify were drowned out by the searing pain exploding from every inch of his body.
The magic that had been seeping into him, the magic he had paid no attention to due to Sans's inquiries – due to it being Papyrus's and safe – had reached so deep within him that when Papyrus yanked he felt it everywhere.
But that, that had been fine. The yank had been fine. It had been what Papyrus's magic was yanking at that scraped at his very soul unwilling to release him and it hurt. It hurt so much.
He couldn't remember why he was asleep but when he opened his eyes, it was to the faint glow of green magic from Sans's hand on his forehead. It was more blue than it was the proper shade of green. The look of relief on Sans's face when he met the skeleton's gaze was disconcerting. His sluggish brain wouldn't give him any answers as to why.
"What's going on?" Alex asked, finding the words coming out in a breathy whisper. Speaking seemed to awake his nerves and faint tremors skittered across his body with each wave of pain. He gritted his teeth against the sensations, willing the pain to go away. It didn't but he could hope. "Why the healing magic?"
Sans's expression tightened at that and whatever hope had been there was quickly dashed. The magic on his forehead sputtered out. "You passed out when Papyrus tried to remove every trace of _," Sans offered but whatever the last word had been – or words; he was rather certain Sans's statement hadn't ended with just one – hadn't been retained and the thought of that empty word made his brain do a sort of short circuit with fear. A part of him knew if he had Sans repeat himself, he wouldn't ever hear it and he feared what that meant.
"I don't," he choked on the words like he wanted to cry but he pushed forward, spitting out in despair, "I don't know what that last word was. I…" He found the words stuck in his throat and he forced them out over a lead tongue. "I don't think I'll be able to for a while. I think there's a part of me blocking it out."
Sans deflated and guilt ate at Alex's soul. Despite the disappointment he had seen, Sans's expression remained determined. "Can you name any of the faces that had been at your bedside when you had woken up? Either of the goat monsters, possibly?"
He frowned at that. Woke up when? The only time he remembered waking up was-
A brief memory flashed through his mind of a mass of bodies pressing in at the edge of his bed, shifting and moving in a way that made him uneasy. The shadows behind them that encroached worse than the crowd.
He shook his head vehemently in order to rid himself of the latter part of the memory but it was enough to answer Sans's question at the same time. Sans closed his sockets, looking a bit in pain, but it was brief. "What do you remember, Alex?"
The words rolled off his tongue as easily as the small bit of memory. "You two approaching, talking to me." He frowned, trying to dredge up what pieces he still had. It worried him that there wasn't more he could find. "I think I had asked something because I had pulled you closer but I don't know what it was." Alex shifted as best he could so that he could look at Sans easily from where he lay. He felt oddly numb, probably heavy even. "Sans." He gained the skeleton's gaze. "I don't have Dissociative Acute Amnesia, right?"
Sans shook his head. "Just Acute Amnesia. There's even probably something actually actively suppressing your memories, but it's not Dissociative. You haven't given anything that hasn't happened but what remains seems very selective. It's the only reason I'm not just calling it amnesia."
"Will it go away like yours is?" Papyrus asked, startling Alex. Sans seemed to notice his surprise because the skeleton's hands pressed more into his chest as if to reassure him. When had Papyrus gotten there?
Sans shrugged, giving his brother his attention even as the hand on Alex's forehead moved into his hair to run through it in a sort of absentminded, repetitive action. "It's possible but there's no guarantee. It might be that we deal with the trauma that's caused his amnesia and it'll all come back. Or his memories could be permanently lost. We'll have to work under the assumption that his memories will never come back while also doing what we can to stimulate their return. But with the few fits that have happened, I don't think it's wise to push our luck with trying." Sans's gaze fell onto him again. "We'll do slow introductions after we tackle breakfast. We won't eat in the dining room but we will at least see how passing through it and back treats you."
"You think I'll have an adverse reaction?" Alex clarified.
Sans shrugged again. "Anything's possible at this point. Memory's a tricky thing and if it's being suppressed by trauma, there's a high possibility of some reaction to the stimuli. If nothing else, you certainly hadn't seemed happy with so many people at your bedside."
A yawn broke through, stretching Alex's jaw and bringing with it exhaustion. He caught Sans's gaze flicking to the side. The stout skeleton offered, "It's getting late. Why don't we all get some sleep and keep talking after breakfast?"
Alex nodded. Sans shifted which quickly informed Alex that he was partially on the other's lap. Papyrus moved forward and, between the two skeletons, Alex was back in bed tucked in up to his chin. The prospect of sleep was tantalizing. He hoped it came soon.
The pair stepped away but Papyrus lingered. "Do you want either of us to stay here?"
Alex shook his head, a soft smile gracing his face. "There's no point in keeping either of you from a good night's rest. Besides, nothing can hurt me here. I'm safe and you two aren't that far away."
The brothers shared a glance but it was Sans who made the final decision. "Alright. Holler if you need anything."
The brothers were quick with the lights but with each light that went out, the prospect of sleep seemed to get farther and farther away. He wanted to call out, to tell them to turn a light back on – turn all of them back on – but it felt like there was something in his throat and he couldn't get the words out. He tried to ignore the looming shadows and what they hid.
Sans paused in the doorway, looking at him. The two soft lights of Sans's pupils were bright on the skeleton's backlit face. "Sleep well, Alex."
"You too, Sans," tumbled out. The words weren't what he wanted to scream.
The door clicked shut and it was all he could do to try and sleep. He hadn't been lying. He knew he was safe. If anything tried to come after him, it would have to get through the entire lab before it could reach him. While possible, it wouldn't leave him defenseless.
But there was a part of him – a part of him that was growing larger and larger as the seconds ticked by – that knew of something that could be in the dark already.
Not something.
Someone.
Alex surged upright. Every muscle in his torso screamed but the adrenaline and fear were far greater. He shoved forward, first hitting the nightstand light; it wasn't enough. The shadows skittered back and away only to creep back in when the light settled on a brightness. He got to his feet, stumbling over legs that wouldn't move quick enough. He turned on every light he had in that room until every nook and cranny was illuminated.
It wasn't enough!
Sans listened to the latch click into place. It was more difficult to let go of the handle and walk away than he had anticipated. He wasn't even sure how Papyrus had managed to walk so far away without turning around and marching right back into Alex's room. Stiffly, he turned and shuffled over to his brother's side. Papyrus fell into step as Sans kept moving towards the kitchen. If he stopped now, he would end up back in Alex's room whether the human wanted him there or not.
"I don't like this," Papyrus finally voiced when the kitchen came into view.
Sans gave a humorless chuckle. "I don't either, Pap, but there's nothing we can do. He said he was fine and going against his desires right now may do more harm than good, despite what we may believe." His expression tightened as he recoiled from his next words. "Let's get through this first. Then tomorrow."
They turned the corner into the dining room, cutting off any response Papyrus may have had if there had even been one. Everyone who had been in Alex's room was milling about, some sitting, some standing, and all of them talking. It took a moment for everyone to realize they had arrived but they didn't quiet fully till he sank into a seat. He was too bone tired to stay standing despite the agitation from leaving Alex alone skittering through his soul like electricity. Papyrus stood behind his right shoulder, radiating the same agitation.
He cut straight to the point. "I believe Alex has Acute Amnesia." There was an uproar that was nothing more than noise to him. He was all for letting them shout themselves down but it was Asgore's heavy voice cutting through that silenced them all. Sans assumed the boss monster was asking for an explanation because he hadn't retained a single word the goat monster said. Stars above he was tired. "He didn't recognize anyone in the room beyond Papyrus and me, and the things he does remember pertain to either himself, alone, or include me and Papyrus. It is not what I have and may not behave in the same way. He could regain his memories over time or they could be lost forever. The good news is he hasn't lost any knowledge that would hinder any project he was working on, so there's that."
"You're joking, right?" Undyne challenged.
Toriel cut in on the tail of her words. "You cannot expect him to work after all that he has been through, Sans."
Sans gave them both a tired look. "As much as I would love to give Alex the chance to take time and recover, we all know he would be back at work of his own volition in less than a week without anyone's supervision. At least this way I can make sure he doesn't overdo it."
He was grateful that his words stalled there.
"You are not useless, Sans," Papyrus muttered behind him reading into the words he left unsaid far too clearly.
Sans sighed. "Regardless of the circumstances," he spoke towards the group, "I still don't have enough memories back to continue working on anything alone and, unfortunately, the only other one that has any idea of what I was doing is Alex."
"S-so what now?" Alphys voices softly.
"We tread carefully. All of you, every person in this lab, and the Underground itself are complete strangers to him now. He may remember you over time, he might not." He hesitated, suddenly unsure about how much information he wanted to share. "He suffered a severe panic attack while we were seeing how bad his memory loss was." There were a few gasps but Sans ignored them. "And it was so bad that it caused a loss of short term memory." He recoiled from their confused expressions. "He didn't remember the panic attack, the trigger, nor the very bad paroxysmal coughing fit that followed after. It's why I don't want him having another panic attack. Whatever Gaster did to him has compromised his body even more and I'm concerned doing reintroductions too quickly could trigger more attacks which will most likely lead directly into fits and more memory loss. There's also no telling what too many too close together could do to him."
There was a low muttering through the group and Sans realized that a good number of those present had just learned a portion of Alex's medical condition. There wasn't anything he could do about it now as Asgore asked, "Do you know what the subject of the panic attack had been?"
Sans shook his head. "The only thing we know is that it was tied directly to the memory of Gaster's lab. Whatever happened in there is triggerable by just having him try and recollect the rescue effort. If it changes, though, I'll let you know."
Asgore frowned but said no more.
"So here's the plan for tomorrow," Sans offered, starting to lose the fight against the exhaustion dragging at his bones. "Papyrus will walk with Alex through the main dining space to the kitchen during breakfast time, or close in there to. I'll be with Toriel and only with Toriel in the kitchen so that he can meet her first." He looked to Toriel. "I want to properly introduce you two so that he can start asking you for things should we be unavailable for whatever reason."
Toriel nodded, a determined look on her face even as her arms tightened around Flowey's pot.
"As they are passing through, no one is to interact with Alex and Papyrus beyond saying good morning," Sans directed to everyone else. "If you say good morning to Alex, do not use his name or any nickname you may have used on him. That goes for habitual nicknames used on the collective, too." There was some griping about that. Sans let them have their grumbling. "After that, Pap and I will eat with Alex in his room so that he can process all of it and come down from any overstimulation that may happen. Depending on how it goes, we'll go from there. Sound good?"
There was a round of nodding and verbal affirmations.
"Good," he all but sighed. Papyrus gripped the back of his chair as he stood. "Pap and I are going to go to bed. If you have questions, comments, or concerns, write them down so you don't forget. I'll deal with them in the morning."
There was a chorus of good nights and sleep wells as the brothers left but Sans didn't send any back. He ran a hand over his face, feeling the start of a headache in the middle of his skull.
"Well that went surprisingly well," he commented, dropping his hand back to his side.
"Hopefully tomorrow goes just as well," Papyrus responded offhandedly.
He glanced at his brother but didn't say anything. There was a part of him that hoped the same. A larger part wasn't expecting their luck to hold out that long.