Lots of dark Ichigo introspection. And then an interesting turn of events.

Chapter 15! :D

Ichigo's POV

The spray of the water hits me from several different directions. I don't even register the extravagance of Grimmjow's bathroom as I stare at the tiled wall in front of me. My hair is wet and sticking to my forehead and getting in my eyes. Yet, I somehow don't notice that either as I stare at the white, tiled wall.

The scalding water washes over me as though trying to cleanse me, to purify me. But…I have been tainted and gross and broken for so long. It can't cleanse me. I have far too much sin in my soul to ever be fully cleansed.

I look at the skin on my palm. Even the layers of my skin can't be cleansed. With every pair of hands who have hurt me, they leave their mark, the infection spreads farther and deeper into my body. The layers of contamination on my flesh have been too thick for too long.

And now…now I've killed a man. Yet another layer of broken and disgusting that has latched onto my soul.

I bite my lower lip hard enough to bleed, and the showerhead washes it away. It washes away the blood on my lip; if only…if only it could wash away what's inside of me.

I have to pull myself together. I've been sulking in this bathroom for too long, and I don't want Grimmjow to become worried about me. I've put him through so much already.

And of course, thoughts of Grimmjow open a whole different world of inner turmoil.

One of the most annoying parts of all this, in some sick way I had been okay with being broken. It wasn't my favorite, mind you, but it was tolerable. I could keep everyone at a distance and not worry about contaminating anyone who got too close.

But now this fucking Bluebird. This goddamn yakuza cocksucker fucknugget blue bastard. He makes me want to believe I'm not disgusting at all. He makes me want to believe I am worthy of redemption.

I love Grimmjow. I genuinely believe I have fallen in love with this man.

But…I will never be worthy of him. What's even the fucking point? Maybe I'm contagious. I would do nothing but pull Grimmjow down with me into this deep layer of hell.

He doesn't deserve that. He has his own dark past and deep layers. But unlike me, he has a chance at redemption. He's not forever broken.

I love Grimmjow. I mean fucking hell I love him. A word I never thought I'd use to describe anyone besides Rukia. But…what good am I to him? How can I contribute positively to his life? Grimmjow killed Thick and Lank for me, and now I've killed Aizen. All I've done is help encourage Grimmjow to commit bad deeds. How do I get us off this rollercoaster of carnage? How can I make him better?

"Look at how spread his legs are. He's doin' the fuckin' splits just to get some dick."

"Come Ichi-boy, let's play. I obtained a new outfit I was hoping you'd try on."

The voices are relentless in my head. It feels like they're bouncing around in my skull and echoing off the walls of the shower. I'm possibly going insane.

"Ooooo, yeah baby, just like that. You are taking me in so well, so fuckin' tight."

Whether I want to believe it or not, all I'm good for is sex. For weeks I was fucked on a table and used until I all but withered away. Prior to that, I was a prostitute. Prior to that, I mowed neighbors' lawns and washed their cars. But that was when I was 12 years old, living a happy life. A happy, child-like life that didn't involve paying for bills and food and a roof over my head.

My eyes dull and my mind goes blank. It's difficult to admit to myself, but it's the truth…all I'm good for is sex.

"Wow how did he fit both of those dildos inside his asshole? What a fuckin' slut."

I take the faucet and turn it until the water stops spraying. It's decided. I can still contribute positively to Grimmjow's life, I can still be worthy of his presence. I just have to give him sex.

I step out of the shower and take the towel Bluebird had haphazardly thrown onto the sink. I swipe it through my hair and actively avoid looking at my reflection in the mirror.

The dark circles under my eyes, the scattered scars, the layers of filth that have been accumulating on my flesh for so long…I know they are all still there. I don't need a mirror to tell me that.

I wrap the towel around my waist, but don't bother with the blue pajamas Grimmjow laid out for me.

When I step out of the bathroom I see Grimmjow sitting idly on the king-sized bed. He had been staring at a framed oil painting on the wall, and his head whips up at the sound of the creaking door.

I can see his eyes trail over my body. He tries to hide it, he tries to look away. But I'm still wet, and all I'm wearing is his orange towel.

Grimmjow's lips are moving spastically, struggling to form words. "H-Hey. G-Glad you're back." I've never seen Grimmjow this flustered before. He has hit on hundreds of women, and I can personally attest to how impressively composed and suave he is. He's a flirtatious beast that takes no prisoners.

"Come on fuck him faster! He can take it, I want to hear him screeaamm."

The voices in my head are trying to destroy me, but I don't let them. Instead I use them as fuel to help me overcome what I need to do. I'm doing this for Grimmjow.

For so long I have lived my life never wanting to have sex again. But, sex with Grimmjow? I can do that. I'm willing to make that sacrifice.

At that thought my mind fleetingly wonders if I am broaching this topic logically, if I'm making the right choice.

But…ya know what? Fuck it.

"Hey," I respond casually. I take a few steps toward him, and he does nothing but stare. He can sense something's different; he just doesn't know what.

I saunter over to Grimmjow and immediately climb onto the bed on top of him. "W-Whoa!" he cries out in surprise. It doesn't deter me though. My thighs straddle his hips, my towel is precariously positioned around my hips, and my hand is fisted in the expensive collar of Bluebird's shirt. My mouth surges forward to meet Grimmjow's.

XxXxX

Grimmjow's POV

Fire.

I am sitting innocently, patiently on the king-sized bed, when I am suddenly met with fire.

Fire from Ichigo's hair, fire from Ichigo's mouth. Everything about him is overpowering and insane. Even if I escaped the fire I'd feel the smoke. The dangerous, intoxicating essence that is all Ichigo.

I taste the faint metallic of blood coming from Ichigo's lip, but I can't even focus on it. I am being hit with so many sensations that one is a drop of water in an ocean of feelings.

With his tongue still in my mouth he somehow spoke, "Grimm, please I want to."

These words. These words only moments ago I never thought in a million years would leave Ichigo's mouth. An involuntary moan escapes me. Ichigo then leans his hips forward and our crotches collide, and blood flees my brain and rushes to my cock so fast I think I'm gonna have a stroke. "F-Fuck, Ichi. God fuck." On instinct I buck up, searching for that infinite fire again. I moan again, and this time Ichigo's moan is in sync with mine.

Ichigo plants messy kisses on my neck. From my head to my toes I am completely engulfed in Ichigo's essence. He is so sexy, his scent is intoxicating, and I want to taste and feel every inch of him.

I pull his face up to mine and our mouths clash again. My tongue forcefully requests entrance into his moist cavern, and he tastes as delicious and sweet as I remember. Fuck I have been wanting to kiss him again for so, so long. It's like the universe keeps pulling my lips toward his, and not kissing him would be like defying gravity.

I let my fingers explore along Ichigo's muscled, wet body. My fingertips feel the movement of his back muscles and along the subtle protrusions of his spine. His thinly clothed dick on my thigh is nearly enough to make me jizz my pants. I feel hot and drunk and delirious.

Ichigo's lips graze against my ear and I shiver. He breathes, "If there's a certain way you like it, I can do that. I've done it all just tell me."

Moments ago, my brain had been riding high. Driving 120mph on the highway in my black Tesla and a bottle of whiskey in my hand, loving life and not having a damn care in the world.

Going from 120mph, to a screeching halt, is…very jarring.

Ichigo continues to nibble on my neck, but my heart is now beating out of my chest for a completely, outrageously different reason than before.

Replaying his words, he…sounded like a robot. Didn't he? Like he aims to please me, but it's not his own will. Like he only wants to please me because that's how he was programmed.

And, the idea he's "done it all." 47,550 minutes. God...god I bet he has.

I fight back the tears that threaten to surface. Suddenly I feel nauseated. Ichigo is still giving me hickeys on my neck, and I weakly push on his shoulder. "N-No Ichi, no."

I hate how timid my voice sounds, I hate my lack of conviction.

Because I fell for it. In Ichigo's mind he thinks this is the right move. He's back at Pantera tied to that table, and he thinks all he's good for is sex.

I'm angry at myself that it took me this fucking long to realize Ichigo's not in a stable mindset. Ichigo is non-yakuza, and he killed a man today. He needed a shower in the first place because he had Aizen's fucking blood on his hands. His brain has to be all kinds of jumbled.
I'm an idiot, plain and simple. A tragically stupid, incompetent, undeserving, infinitely lovesick goddamn idiot.

Fire engulfs my lips again. Ichigo is kissing me robotically, yet still with a fire that burns through to my very core. God I love this man. I am so hopeful for a day when he kisses me like this, but on happier, healthier terms.

Now, though…

I prolong the kiss for one more selfish second before I pull back. Ichigo whimpers and follows my face, but I shy away.

"What? What's wrong?" Ichigo is still wet from his shower. His damp skin against mine makes my mouth water. Our faces are inches apart but not touching, and for the first time I notice Ichigo's eyes.

His pupils. They are fully-fucking-blown. Fuck. His pupils are so big I can barely see the ring of chocolate brown that surrounds the black.

This is it. I hadn't been certain before, but he's absolutely in shock. He's not thinking straight at all. My poor beautiful Ichigo…

Fuck. Today has been one big goddamn clusterfuck!

Ichigo licks his sultry lips as his hand firmly grasps my clothed cock. My eyes squeeze shut tightly, and for a moment all I see are stars dancing along my eyelids.

Having any form of self-control around him gets more and more difficult with every day that passes. Fuck I need him like I need oxygen, I need his body, his warmth, his lips, everything.

With willpower I didn't even know I had, I take his wrist and yank it up over my head. I pin it to the mattress, making it immobile.

But he's undeterred, and he starts biting my neck again and traveling toward my earlobe. He licks it sensually before sinking his teeth into the cartilage. Fuck that feels like heaven. My pants are so tight I'm about to burst, my cock wants him so bad. I want to be inside him, goddamn fucking fuck!

It feels too good, and my body betrays me. I have one of his arms pinned, but I can't physically bring myself to push him back. I know Ichigo is in shock and hurting, but I am absolutely vibrating from arousal. All I can use are words. "I-Ichi...Ichi wait."

With his free hand his fingers weave through my hair. My scalp shivers with delight. He responds in between bites, "Why? I want this. You want this. Let's play."

My body turns stone cold. Play. He said let's play.

Like he's said before. As though...as though it's a game. Like with fucking Aizen.

Ichigo continues, "I can do anything, just say the word. I'm yours."

Once paralyzed, I suddenly come back to life with a vengeance, and am fueled with the willpower I need to throw Ichigo off of me. I toss him to the other side of the mattress and with inhuman speed, I jump off the bed and create distance between us. My chest is heaving and heart pounding as though I just ran a marathon.

Ichigo stares at me from the bed as I'm suddenly across the room.

"Hey! What the fuck?" He's glaring at me with confusion and anger. Sitting up in his spot on the bed, his towel is still surprisingly intact around his waist.

I'm out of breath and shaking my head, "Ichi, I-I don't want it to be like this. I want you, b-but not like this."

He kissed me robotically. I saw his dilated pupils, I heard what he said. I know he didn't want it damn it. But, he is looking at me so disheartened and sad and full of emotion. It almost shatters my resolve. Ichigo is staring at me in horrified shock, "You…You wanted me before. S-So, what changed?"

Fuck I can feel fluid buildup behind my eyes. I have to clear up this misunderstanding. "Nothing, I swear. I still want you so bad. It's just, just the situation. Today has been a damn clusterfuck, a-and there have been so many emotions. A lot has happened today. I-I just don't want us to act out. I don't want you to regret anything."

I'm fumbling and tripping over my words, but fuck I don't know how to approach this. It makes perfect sense in my head. I wish I could verbalize it better.

"It seems like you are the one who has regrets." Beyond his anger I can see flecks of hurt in his hazel brown eyes. They shine with liquid. "Now that you know how tainted I am, you don't want me anymore." Not a question. A statement.

I am horrified. "No Ichigo, no! I-I swear…" My heart aches so deeply I feel like I'm about to drown in my own suffering, like somehow my body has been engulfed in acid, and I'm choking on it from the inside out. "I swear it's nothing like that. But I-I don't want to take advantage of you. I care for you too much."

He blinks in astonishment. "Really? Tossing me off your lap like I'm a bacterial infection is called caring for me?"

My voice cracks as I beg, "Ichi, you've just been through so much…I don't wanna make it worse, that's all." I'm desperate, so fucking desperate for him to understand.

It's all still too fresh, Aizen is too fresh. Aizen dressed Ichigo up in outfits. Aizen forced him to do perverted acts my brain doesn't even want to comprehend. Aizen did what he wanted with Ichigo until he had his fill. Aizen saw it as a game.

Ichigo looks like he's about to cry. For too long he sits on the bed, unmoving, and staring at the mattress beneath him. I want to believe he is actually pondering what I said. I want to sit beside him so badly, but I don't know if that's prudent right now.

The look of hate slowly, finally slides off Ichigo's features. He begins to look less upset, and more despairing.

He looks so lost, his voice is so fucking small and sad. "Then…Then what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to be good for you? I…I don't know how to fix myself."

I'm stunned, and my chest aches. "Ichi…what are you talking about? There is nothing wrong with you, or nothing you need to fix." My eyebrows are scrunched, I'm trying so hard to understand, while simultaneously trying so hard not to cry. "Why…Why do you feel like you need to change?" And for me?

Ichigo's mouth crumples, and it's clear he's suppressing a sob. His chest goes in, out. In, out.

When he finally speaks, I hang on every word. His voice sounds hurt beyond reckoning, "I, I'm just fuckin' broken Grimm." He looks at the skin of his arm. He looks deep in thought, and I wonder what it is he sees that I can't. "I'm dirty, and it's not something a shower can fix. I'm just s-scared I won't be…good enough for you. You'll realize you're happier and less stressed with someone else."

When I first met him he had been a fierce, sarcastic, short-tempered bartender. These last few days have been so painful, so horrible. I hate, fucking hate how much Ichigo has been through. To see him this insecure makes me realize how much he's been through lately.

"Ichigo, listen…" I walk over and sit on the edge of the bed. Near him but barely out of arm's reach. We maintain eye contact. "You are amazing for me; I literally can't get enough of you. You have helped me recover parts of my humanity I lost through years of working within Pantera. I think about you when I wake up, I think about you before I go to bed. You are perfect for me, and you're perfect for me exactly the way you are." I shake my head. "Please, please don't change."

He stares up at me with big brown eyes. I can feel him searching my soul, and I very readily let him. I hide nothing.

Suddenly he jolts up and flings himself into my arms. I immediately return the hug, ecstatic beyond belief. The intense fire I felt from his body earlier is back at full strength, and I happily soak in his heat. It makes me realize I would have no problem dying by fire as long as it's by Ichigo's flames.

His face rests in the crook of my neck, and I can already feel the wetness on my shirt. I don't give a shit though. I am way too obsessed with this man to worry about expendable, material possessions right now.

We stay like that for several minutes, intertwined in each other's limbs and the world outside this room forgotten. It's almost like the world became a stage, and Ichigo and I are the only characters starring in the play. Nobody else in this world fucking matters.

Soon a voice speaks against my neck. "Can…C-Can I kiss you?"

I beat down the shiver that threatens to run up and down my body. Holy fuck act natural. Act natural act natural act natural act natural.

I swallow audibly. "Y-Yes please."

My voice breaks at the last part. Fuck I sound like a child asking for a lollipop at the dentist's office.

He pulls his head off my shoulder, and he leans in and presses his lips to mine.

Before it had been hard and passionate. Now, it's a smooth symphony. He feels like a melody I could sing along to the rest of my life. God I need him in my life for the rest of my life.

We have a lot of unfinished business, and Ichigo is far from healed. But today was a great step, and I am so excited to be there for Ichi every step of the way.

XxXxXxX

Chapter 15 is complete! We indeed still have unfinished business. I believe addressing the USB and Peter Gollifield is on our agenda! :D

Thank you to everyone still reading and enjoying! See you next chapter! ^_^