Emmett the cat
This is just a little one shot crack fic, but perhaps if enough people review I might add some more stories. I don't make fun of or condone drug use in anyway. Also while I understand that some of what I write here might not add up to what Stephenie has written about the Twilight vampires I did it anyways. Don't moan. I wish i owned Twilight but sadly that pleasure belongs to Stephenie Meyer.
Emmett Pov
Fine leave me, you guys go and hunt without me. I don't mind really I don't. I will just sit here and sulk I thought to myself. I glared at Edward daring him to tell the family what I just thought. Eddie's little human was not even here. She was hanging out with those dogs at La Push.
"Why can't I come with you?" I asked Carlisle. "Because Emmett, you cannot behave when hunting and you need to learn your lesson." It was good thing vampires could not cry, or else I would cry now. They were going on a hunting weekend and leaving me here. So perhaps I should not have wandered around the forest in a chicken suit last time we hunted. I could not understand that Carlisle was blaming me for the fact that the deer he was tracking stopped, saw me and attacked him. It was all very amusing. Well for me at least.
"Be good Emmett, we are leaving now." Carlisle said to me. I just gave him a evil look. We did not kill people, not intentionally at least. So of course I was good. I watched my family leave. I felt so abandoned. Not my lovely mom Esme or my gorgeous wife Rose would agree to stay with me. I watched them leave, they were taking the Mercedes and the Porche.
Once they were gone I just heard silence. I was so bored and they had not even been gone 5 minutes. What to do what to do I pondered to myself. Perhaps I could go visit Charlie. Yes that was a great idea, I was a genius. I could get to know my future father in law. I walked into the garage and got in the Jeep. Man I loved my Jeep. It was beyond cool.
A few minutes later I pulled up at Bella's house. I noticed her old truck in the driveway. That was odd, I had been told she would be at La Push. Hmm, I got out and walked to the front door. I was about to knock when the door swung open. There stood Jake and Seth. "Is Charlie here?" I asked them. Jake just glared at me. "Emmett, what are you doing here?" Bella asked me. "I could ask you the same question Bella." She just glared at me. Great the little human was mad. "Well fine, I know where I am not wanted. I am just going to head on over to my friends Italy. No worries Bella." With that I marched back to my Jeep and drove off.
Great what was I going to do now? I passed the Newton's store and suddenly it occurred to me, I could go snoop in Mike's house. Edward was always snooping in people's houses when they were out or asleep. That boy was so nosy, Carlisle once told him he must have been the village gossiper back in the day. I had to admit I think Carlisle was dead on with that theory.
I parked my jeep in a parking lot near the forest and walked at human speed to Mike's house. I got into the house through a open window. Stupid humans, leaving windows open. As I was looking around I saw something. What was that? I asked to myself. On the table it looked like someone was repackaging weed. Hmm, I should take this to Charlie. It would be so funny to get Mike arrested. I quickly took all the weed and ran to my Jeep. I was turning down Bella's street when I remembered how horrible she had been to me. I would show Carlisle what I found and he would contact the police. Carlisle was a honorable man. I did a nice u-turn and made my way home with my evidence. Mike Newton in jail. This was going to be epic.
I spent the rest of the afternoon lazing around the couch. I watched Dora the Explorer and Spongebob Squarepants. Those were my two favourite shows. Perhaps this alone thing was not bad.
4 hours later
I was bored, I had watched Spongebob and Dora the explorer until it ended. I contemplated dressing up as Spongebob and going to harass the people of Forks but decided against it. I eyed the weed on the table. I wandered if vampires could get high. I seriously doubted it. Nonetheless I had to try. I rolled myself a joint like I had seen the junkies do. I smoked four joints. I still felt fine albeit hungry. I meowed and wandered off to the fridge. I needed cat food and I needed it now. Upon inspection we did not have any cat food in the fridge. Geez what kind of humans were we pretending to be.
I got in the jeep and rushed off to seven eleven where I purchased cat food and lots of cat toys and a cat costume. I was feeling like a cat. I would have to return that weed to Mike, I guess vampires really could not get high. I drove home and opened the can of Whiskas. It smelt so good, I quickly ran to my room and put on my cat costume.
Carlisle POV
I was mid leap when I heard Alice screaming, "stop we have to return home now!" I ran over to her only to find her and Edward in Hysterics. Hmmph I thought. We all made our ways to our cars and headed home. Alice had clearly seen something and considering her and Edward were hysterical it must be good.
As we were driving down the driveway I could have sworn I heard meowing. I shook my head, perhaps age was starting to get to me. I looked in my rear view mirror and Rose looked puzzled and Alice amused.
I parked the car in the driveway and we all ran to the door. We opened it and found Emmett in a cat costume. If that was not disturbing enough he was playing with some yarn. He looked at us and walked on all fours towards me. He then started rubbing against my legs. To say I was mortified was not accurate. I was beyond mortified. My family and I watched in horror as Emmett walked on all four's to a bowl filled with cat food and began to eat. Rose was the first to react, she went to Emmett and slapped him hard. He started hissing at her. This was not going to end well. I quickly stepped in between them. I got out my pocket flashlight and looked at Emmett's eyes. "Emmett, Emmett can you hear me?" "Carlisle, Carlisle guess what, I went to Mike's house and found some weed and I smoked a joint but I am not high!" Not high I thought to myself, yeah right. I heard snorts and snickers coming from the family. "Emmett where is this weed?" I asked him. Emmett showed me the weed and it was then that everything made sense. Emmett was in fact high, but not on weed, oh no he was high on catnip.
By now everyone except Rose was hysterical. I had to think quick. I took all Emmett's cat food and cat bed to his and Rose's room ignoring the dirty looks from her. "Come Emmett, where's a good kitty. Go have a nice sleep." I sighed in relief as Emmett followed me. "Emmett, you need to just sleep in your cat bed." I really hoped this worked.
The next morning
Emmett Pov
My head throbbed, and why was I wearing a cat costume, and lying in a cat bed all curled up. I was just about to get up when the whole family entered the room. "Glad to see you had a good time Emmett!!" Carlisle said to me. "Mike's weed turned out to be catnip." Wait what, I got high on catnip. How was that even possible? Looking at my family's faces I knew I was never ever going to live this down.
*looks at Cullen wristband, oh wait sorry bout that. Well like all Authors, if you can call me that, I thrive on reviews!! so please review, and you might get a virtual Cullen Hug from your Cullen of choice. if the response is good I will add more chapters. So quit reading my note and click REVIEW!!! ;) *