18 : Carefully

Looks like I am finishing Revs after all. Huh. Didn't expect that.

Long story short, I managed to get a job that payed much better, so now I.. actually have free time ? It's a weird feeling lol. I'm still adjusting. I won't be posting super regularly, maybe one or two chapters a month, but this fic is getting finished and that's a really nice feeling.

They stared at each other, from across the table.

Chuuya felt the first sting and well of tears behind his eyes, but he pushed them down, angry with himself. His saviour breaking down into a blubbering mess would not help Dazai's confidence and that's what was important in this moment. Chuuya would cry later, privately. For now he would remain strong.

Dazai, for his part, seemed to be handling himself rather well. His face was not the closed off, expressionless slate that Chuuya had feared it would be. Dazai's eyes wandered around the room, studied Chuuya's face; his mouth twitched up and down, little curves as he looked at things. Expression. Reaction. Emotion. Not the carefully controlled nothingness the Dazai of the past had liked to wrap around himself like a cocoon, numbing himself from the inside as he did.

Chuuya didn't know what had happened to Dazai, and that scared him, because he knew exactly what kind of atrocities Mori was capable of.

"Dazai" Soft brown eyes snapped back to his face, ever attentive, and Chuuya felt himself smile. Just a little "are you hungry?"

A pause, and Dazai looked caught out, like he was stuck on the spot debating what the right answer was. Chuuya didn't rush him into it, even as it made his heart swell in the type of sadness that bubbled in his throat and threatened to choke him. There was a little anger, too, but he was trying not to focus on that - it wouldn't help Dazai, so right now it wasn't important.

"I don't understand the question." Came the eventual response, hesitant, as if Dazai expected to be hurt for it. Chuuya nodded and forced a smile, schooling his face into carefully practiced gentleness. He had to be strong, here, for both of them.

"That's fine! Okay, so I used to cook for you a lot, yeah? I know what foods you like. So would you mind if I made you something nice, something I know you like? If I promise you'll like it?"

"You, ah… you make the food? That's.. wait, mm, that's called cooking, isn't it?"

"Mhm!' Chuuya was going to make Mori suffer for this. "Yeah, it's cooking, you can make all kinds of foods with all kinds of different tastes."

"I see." Dazai looked round the kitchen again, and Chuuya could read on his face the moment he realised what it was all for, that the kitchen was for cooking, that that's why they'd been sat here. "Can I, uh.. could I cook too?"

Oh

Chuuya's smile was a lot less fake, this time.

"Of course you can! I'll teach you how. It's easy and you're a fast learner, so I'm sure you'll do great."

Dazai stared at him for a moment too long, and then frowned. "I am a fast learner." He said, and his tone of voice was.. a strange mix between a statement and a question, as if he wasn't certain at all but was informing himself of a fact. Chuuya wasn't sure what to make of it so he just nodded in response, leading Dazai over to the kitchen counter.

They were in a hotel. In Scotland, because Chuuya hadn't felt safe lingering in Japan. There wasn't much left for him there anyway, now, not now that his Home had been destroyed.

When your enemies knew magic nowhere was really safe, but most mages couldn't really teleport as freely as Chuuya. He had a near infinite pool of magic energy to draw from in the form of the Arahabaki, using it to fold himself in and out of existence. A regular Mage of his age could teleport maybe once an hour, twice or thrice if they were feeling adventurous, but it'd leave them exhausted.

If Mori was to come for them, it would be tiring. Teleporting such long distances was no small feat, and Chuuya was confident the man would at least break a sweat after doing so. Even a small moment of weakness like that, it was something Chuuya could use to gain the upper hand.

He was so on edge. Ready, ready, ready for a fight at any second. Ready to act. Ready for Mori to show up so Chuuya could finally, finally end it all.

Centuries of fine tuned control was the only reason Chuuya's hands weren't shaking, that he wasn't twitchy. He couldn't let Dazai pick up on it - it'd just stress him out, too.

The hotel had been expensive, but Chuuya had multiple human lifetimes of savings and he felt that staying here would be a lot safer than a cheap little bed and breakfast. The hotel was secure, well equipped, and best of all - discreet. If anyone tried to pry, they would be met with firm denial. Bribes wouldn't work as Chuuya had already paid such a large amount for the privilege of staying here.

They were safe. Apparently. Chuuya was still uncertain, didn't trust the assurances of the hotel manager, had thrown up ward after ward the moment he stepped foot in the suite. They wouldn't be enough to keep a strong mage out, but it'd give Chuuya enough time to know for sure someone was there, the seconds he needed to prepare for a fight. He was confident the warning period would be enough. That he could beat Mori here, if it came to that.

But as Chuuya opened cupboards and found the equipment they'd need to make a proper meal, he quietly hoped it wouldn't come to that. Mori needed to die, but… Chuuya needed a holiday first. A few days, a week. He was so tired. He'd ripped himself apart trying to find Dazai and now that he had him safely back beside him, his body and mind were starting to feel the toll.

Yosano's healing job had been solid - more than solid, and Chuuya was starting to strongly suspect she'd dipped into a little of her own soul to heal him. But now.. Ah, he could feel himself falling apart, his edges frayed and torn. He could beat Mori, but he'd be a lot more confident in that if he had a few days to rest first.

"Okay, so we're gonna make this really tasty thing called an omelette. They're super quick, and you can add whatever you want to them. We're gonna go with bacon and cheese and mushrooms."

Dazai did not like mushrooms, but by the gods Chuuya was going to sneak them in there anyway. Was he taking advantage of the fact that Dazai didn't remember his distaste for mushrooms? Maybe. Did he care? No. He hadn't done a full magical inspection of Dazai yet in fear of freaking him out, but it was easy enough to tell that he was thin - too thin. Needed nutrients. Protein, vegetables. Anything and everything.

He led Dazai over to the kitchen counter, pulled two eggs out the air. "You crack them like this, see?" He cracked the eggs perfectly. It had been over seven decades since the egg yolk had split when he cracked his eggs, and today was no exception.

Dazai was eyeing his hand, eyes narrowed a little in.. thought? Suspicion? Chuuya couldn't tell. Dazai's emotions seemed muddled lately, like he didn't understand what he was feeling himself, or why. Like the emotions sometimes stopped halfway, or got confused and took a turn, ending up somewhere different.

"You, um.. I can't do that, can I? Make things appear?"

Ah.

"No, that's a me thing, I'm afraid." Chuuya was not about to explain the concept of magic to Dazai. No way in hell. Not today. They'd be at it for hours and hours. "Would you mind if I explained it some other time?"

Dazai nodded, and Chuuya smiled his relief. "Normal people have to go outside to buy things like this. Remember shops?"

Dazai nodded again because yes, Chuuya had shown him shops earlier as they'd briefly walked around a small town in the Irish countryside. Dazai had looked so amazed as he'd stared around at the outside. Had turned to Chuuya with this grin on his face, proclaiming "This is why people want to be alive. I understand now."

In his six centuries of living, Chuuya had never before felt as angry as he had felt in that moment. Even then he'd forced it down and smiled, all for Dazai's sake.

"Okay so now we take this fork, and we whisk the eggs. That gets loads of air in them so they'll be all nice and fluffy when we cook them. Like this." He beat the eggs for a few moments, showing Dazai the movements, how to properly hold the bowl.

"Okay, now you try."

A few minutes later they had perfectly beaten eggs. Chuuya got two frying pans up on the hob - it was a nice gas hob, flames responsive, although he opted to control them with magic rather than the wheels and knobs he was supposed to use. He got the eggs started and had bacon frying in the other pan, as he talked Dazai through slicing the mushrooms and cheese.

He was careful not to think about the wary way Dazai had stared at the knife. At the way he held it in his hand, appraising its weight, eyes far too intense.

Don't go there. Not today.

"You've gotta be careful with it, yeah? Slice slow and careful, don't rush."

Dazai nodded, and his eyes shifted to the mushrooms. His hair was falling around his face - he desperately needed a haircut, it was well past shoulder length. It kind of maybe suited him, but Chuuya desperately missed his usual mess of hair.

Maybe he should get him to tie it back. Hell, it was long enough he probably wouldn't have all that much trouble braiding it. Hah, that'd be cute.

"Okay, ah, aim for the middle more. Like this." He moved behind Dazai, reaching round so they were holding the knife together. He moved them both, carefully slicing the mushrooms in half down the middle.

Dazai's hands were warm. A little cooler than his own, but still warm now he was wrapped up in the fluffiest jumper Chuuya had been able to find. It looked ridiculous. Neither of them cared.

"Thank you for showing me this." The murmur of words was unexpected and Chuuya paused, before smiling.

"Hey, it's no problem at all. I'll always be here to cook for you, but we can cook together more, if you're interested. It'll be fun."

".. you'll always be here?" Dazai sounded surprised. The eggs were going to burn - with a twitch of his fingers Chuuya absently put the cooking egg in a state of stasis, focused more on Dazai's words. But Dazai's eyes flicked to the omelette, then back up to Chuuya.

"What did you just do?" He asked, and he sounded nervous. But not.. scared nervous, which was good, that was good. He sounded.. apprehensive, like he wasn't sure of himself, of the question.

Chuuya wasn't sure either. How… how did Dazai know he'd done anything? His finger movement had been subtle, out of sight, it shouldn't have been clear he'd used magic at all.

"I paused the omelette in the state it's in now, so it doesn't burn. Food, ah, if you leave it cooking too long it burns. Then you can't eat it. It'll taste gross."

"Oh. Okay." And then Dazai turned back to the mushrooms, just like that. Chuuya stared for a moment before hesitantly turning to look at the bacon, poking at it with a spatula. And then he smiled to himself, a slow, creeping thing. Maybe just a little desperate. A little exhausted. But a smile all the same.

Somehow Dazai was still managing to take him completely by surprise, even after all this.

The omelette was good. They had half each, Chuuya's portion bigger than Dazai's. At first, Dazai had - well he hadn't complained about it per say, not vocally at least, but Chuuya had seen it as he'd sized each portion up with his eyes, as his mind had worked to try and understand why they were different sizes. Then he'd realise he wouldn't figure it out by himself and had peeked up at Chuuya, eyes silently demanding an answer.

"Foods like this are greasy, fatty. You haven't eaten much of anything for a bit, yeah? If you have too much of this at once, it'll make you sick."

And Dazai had frowned. "But it tastes good." He'd said, tone almost.. petulant. Frustrated. Chuuya had laughed, then, because that was pretty well going as far as more advanced self expression went.

"Awe, don't worry, you'll be eating proper sizes again soon."

"You promise?" Dazai had gotten very caught up on promises since the first time Chuuya had promised him something. Chuuya wasn't sure why, exactly, but Dazai seemed to have it in his head that the promises wouldn't - couldn't - be broken. That the words meant something. Chuuya was driven to make sure they really did. .

"I promise. And hey, about what you said earlier - now that you're back here, I promise you I'm not going anywhere, okay ? I'm not leaving you, and I won't let anyone take you away. Not Mori or anyone else. I won't leave your side for a second if you don't want me to. That's a promise, too."

Dazai froze up at the mention of Mori, shoulder lines of tension, eyes bright with just a hint of panic. Chuuya clenched a fist under the table, but carefully oh so carefully made sure not to show any other sign of a reaction, any tension.

"If Mori comes." The words were measured, slow. Cold. Scared. Certain. "He'll take me. You can't stop him."

Chuuya smiled then, the comforting heat of resolution burning in his chest.

"Dazai. You're wrong. I can beat him. I am stronger than Mori. If he comes for you, I will destroy him."

Uncertainty was clear on Dazai's face, but.. he didn't seem outright disbelieving, either. He was quiet for a few moments, staring at Chuuya, and Chuuya stared back.

"... do you promise? That you can beat him?"

He smiled, and it was easy, because he knew he wouldn't be lying. Knew that he could beat Mori - that Mori knew it, too. Luring Chuuya out so he could get to Dazai had been the man's twisted game all along, because Mori knew that Chuuya was stronger. The certainty of it made Chuuya want to laugh and smile all at once.

"You're safe with me, love. Mori is weak compared to me. I promise."

"Okay." and just like that Dazai was focusing on his omelette again. Chuuya smiled to himself, picked at his own omelette, thoughts a mile away. His exhaustion still weighed on him but one thing was for certain : The next time he saw Mori's face, and he knew there would be a next time, he was going to make that bastard pay. A hundred times over.

"Come on, you just need to lie down here. There we go."

Dazai seemed uncomfortable with the concept of a bed. Seemed confused by it, and a little scared - eyed the bedsheets like they were going to swallow him up if he wasn't careful.

"I promise this will be fine, yeah? You'll fall asleep, and when you wake up it'll be morning and it'll feel like nothing happened at all."

Dazai wasn't frowning - it was more a grimace, a tight press of his mouth caught halfway between up and down. "And you're.. you're sure that you have to do this?"

"I do. For both of us. I know it's scary, but I promise it'll be good for you, and you'll see when you wake up that it wasn't a problem at all. Okay?"

More hesitation and then Dazai nodded, layed down properly on the bed. Chuuya offered his warmest smile. Dazai didn't smile back, but a little of the tension seemed to disappear from his eyes, his face.

"Goodnight love. Sweet dreams." He leant down, pressed a gentle kiss to Dazai's forehead. And when he stood back up, Dazai was in a deep, magic-included sleep.

"Okay, here goes." He really hadn't been lying. The inspection was going to be painless, have no consequence. It wasn't necessary to put Dazai to sleep - but Chuuya knew what Mori was like, he knew, with his operating tables and analysis and bullshit. If Dazai had been awake for this it absolutely would've freaked him out, Chuuya was certain of it.

He gathered the magic around himself, carefully drawing from his own energy, siphoning off the Arahabaki's magic and cycling it back inside himself. Arahabki's destructive power was not what he needed, not for this - he focused on his roots as a Shaman, on the warm, healing energy that still swirled inside him.

Once he'd gathered enough he washed it over Dazai, magic probing and searching and investigating, assessing the damage.

Chuuya took a slow breath as the first of the feedback started to come to him. Pulled air in through his nose, pushed it out through his mouth. Controlled. Calming.

Dazai was underweight, malnourished. It was severe enough that Chuuya would have to carefully control his meals for a while. He wasn't in any immediate danger from it, at least. Would have been, if it had been left unchecked for much longer.

Thank all the Gods we found him when we did.

The magic probed his mind ever so gently, revealed to Chuuya that Dazai was not quite sure what sleep was, but that his mind was responding positively to the experience. It registered as a nice, pleasant thing. Good. Chuuya grit his teeth as the magic washed over the shape of Dazai's mind and revealed memories brutally, messily scoured, blasted away in chunks. Stripping back everything but leaving messy, exposed patches behind.

Mori had done a terrible job. Had used a crude spell that violently attacked the brain, ripping away sections of memory and leaving the remnants with no pathways to connect to, stranded with no context.

It must have been horrific for Dazai. For fucks sake it was a miracle that Dazai could function at all, like this.

Chuuya crouched down beside him, placing careful fingers on Dazai's head. He frowned as he ran the process of how to do this over in his mind, reminding himself of a spell he'd never had to use in practice before. His magic was suited for flashy displays of power, to be released in bursts with no thought for controlling output. Healing was so different. It had been.. so long.

Slow breaths. In and out. He worked his magic ever so carefully, taking the rough, bleeding mess of Dazai's mind and smoothing down the edges, carefully cultivating links and bridges where he could. It was high level magic, would be even for a skilled, practiced Shaman, and Chuuya felt himself sweating with the exertion of it. Dazai's mind would have to rebuild the rest itself, with time, but Chuuya could make things less jarring for now.

The tears came before he could stop them. Trails of salt, dripping down his face even as he remained laser focused on his work, not willing to allow himself distraction. Fuck. All those memories, the precious time they'd spent together, so much of it was gone. There was no remedy, no spell he could lift - Mori had just destroyed it all, leaving no way to restore them.

He probably shouldn't have expected anything different. But. But he'd hoped -

Another slow breath. In, out. Careful. Moderation. Control. He had a job to do. They could rebuild. Chuuya had lived six centuries now, had spent less than a year falling in love with Dazai. Could wait another year, two, five, waiting for Dazai to remember how to love him back.

There were new scars. Scars and non-scars, but traces left of healing magic, sealing up cuts and slices that were too deep or wide to be left alone. Chuuya didn't have to question who'd made them.

These scars weren't infected with magic so Chuuya carefully healed them, smoothing them away to leave only clear skin below.

With a sigh Chuuya pulled his magic back to himself, gazing down at Dazai, his sleeping face. He looked so peaceful like this.

Chuuya didn't know what to do. Whether he should grieve the version of Dazai he'd loved, that had been destroyed. It felt wrong when Dazai Osamu was here, right in front of him, but.. He wasn't the same, and Chuuya didn't know if he'd ever be the same again. He might rebuild into a different person. He'd probably be forever changed by what Mori had done.

He forced himself to breathe careful, measured breaths as tears rolled down his cheeks, silent. It would hurt, but they would get through this. Together, they would be okay.

The Boy whose name was Dazai had sat in the new room, the metal cold one, and he'd listened to the noises outside.

He couldn't usually hear anything from inside this room that was his world. But the rumbling ratting clashing noises were so loud it was reaching even him.

Something was happening. Something was about to change, Dazai could feel it.

He huddled against the wall, eyeing the door suspiciously. Whenever anything happened it always came through that door - Hirotsu with the guilty eyes and Sensei with his knives and cruel, cold laughter. Dazai wasn't sure if he wanted things to change. Sometimes change was good, like when Hirotsu started to bring him food. Sometimes change was bad, like when the dark place in his mind had broken itself apart and he could no longer retreat inside himself, couldn't see his Mother anymore.

He missed her.

The Person whose name was Dazai had been sure for a while now that there had to be something more to life than this. Than cold walls and knives and questions-that-aren't-questions and bread. Because right here in this room Dazai did not want to be alive, but there had to be a reason that people wanted to exist, or there wouldn't be people.

What did Hirotsu do, when he was not bringing Dazai bread? What did Sensei do? Dazai had to know, and the answer was behind that big metal door with its turning metal circle that was called a lock. He was sure of it, so sure of it. Whatever was out there was making so much noise that he could hear the outside in his inside. In the room. A little bit of the outside world getting through. Maybe if he could go out there too, he would remember exactly who Dazai Osamu was before he was this.

Then he could stop being a Person with no idea who that Person is supposed to be. Could tie an existence to the name and then, and then, maybe he'd know why it was that Dazai Osamu wanted to live despite having so many scars.

This was a new feeling, wasn't it? Dazai frowned to himself as he tried to remember what it was called. What.. what….. Ah, that was it!

Excitement.

No matter what it took, Dazai had sworn to himself that one day he was going to see Life, what was outside that door. That was the reason for the Person he was right now to keep existing. He was going to see that thing called the Sun, that he knew on an intrinsic level was something that he - the old Dazai Osamu that he also was but not really - had seen before, but he couldn't remember what it looked like except bright and orange. He was going to see it again and hear the voice that went with it.

He stood. He took the few steps it took him to stand in front of the door. Reached out to touch the metal circle that made the door open and close, but hesitated. Let his hand drop to his side. He knew already that the metal circle did not open for him. He would have to.. Have to wait, for whatever was out there. Would have to wait for it to come to him.

And Dazai hoped - that was another new feeling! He was doing so well today - that whatever was making all that noise out there and getting closer, closer, was going to be what let him get out, let him see the Life and the World and the Sun. If it wasn't.. He wasn't sure how much longer he could wait.

And then the door flung open and Dazai felt a cold jolt of fear because regardless of all these big feelings, all this hope and excitement, what if it was just Sensei coming to cut him open again?

He looked past the figure in the doorway. Couldn't see anyone in the.. The long walls, which were outside his room. It was like another room but long and he couldn't see the end of it. Sensei wasn't there. He looked back at the man who was staring at him, an expression so complex on his face that Dazai couldn't hope to understand it.

"You're not Sensei." He said, almost to reassure himself of the fact. He heard a cracking sound from the floor and glanced down, noticed that the floor of the long room outside wasn't like his, was made up of lots of squares instead of the smooth metal. That some of the squares were breaking in half beneath this new man's feet.

"We have to go." Said the man, and he reached out and grasped his hand and Dazai jolted at the contact. He could sob, the man was so warm. It had been a long time since Dazai had had warm. He looked at the man's face, looked at his eyes and the way his eyebrows tilted and his mouth and realised - he realised something horrible.

This was another one of those people that cared about Dazai Osamu. Who was trying to get him to leave. Get him.. Away from Sensei, probably. Away from this room. And Daza.. Dazai couldn't do it.

Because this person cared about him, but clearly he didn't understand. Didn't understand who Sensei was, that he saw everything and knew everything and Dazai, Dazai couldn't let this man get hurt for him. Not someone who cared about him. He just couldn't do it. He imagined this man not moving, barely breathing, with cuts all over him from Sensei's knives and he felt like he was going to be sick.

I can't do this.

"You shouldn't be here." His voice came stronger than he expected. Firmer. Ah, the man looked scared, now. He'd probably realised that Dazai Osamu was not Dazai Osamu. Maybe he'd leave all on his own, now that he'd realised that.

But no. The man was still gripping his hand.

"You can't be here. He'll know, whoever you are. He'll know and he'll punish me, and you, and - you have to leave. You can't touch me." He pulled his hand away, took a step back. It hurt. Every word spoken had hurt like a dozen of Sensei's knives to his chest because he knew that with every word he's pushed his chance to see Life a little further away. But.. it didn't matter, because that chance hadn't existed in the first place. Sensei would've caught them, stopped them. Was probably watching to see how Dazai reacted right now. Maybe this was a test.

Dazai figured from the pain that twisted the man's face, that this probably was not a test.

"Whoever I am…?" The orange man whispered to himself and he sounded broken, broken just like Dazai.

Dazai didn't like the reminder that this was someone he was supposed to know. He felt the tears come to his eyes before he could stop them and ugh, traitorous tears. Why couldn't he even control his own body? It wasn't fair. Sensei never cried. Was it because Dazai wasn't a proper Person, yet? "I don't know who you are. Am I supposed to? Why do you look so… sad?"

He wanted to know. Wanted to know who this man was, to Dazai Osamu. Maybe he was part of Dazai's reason to be alive. But no, the man just looked sad again, like his whole world was breaking in front of him. That.. wasn't right. He didn't like that kind of expression on this man's face. Desperate to make it go away Dazai tried to offer the only explanation he had. "He took my memories."

"I know it sounds insane, but I know he did, I just.. I just know ! I know it's stupid but you have to believe me, you have to, I -"

"I believe you." Dazai paused his rambling at that. Oh. It had just been Dazai's theory because Sensei had never told him anything. Had never told him what any of the surgeries or drugs or tubes or quietly muttered words were actually for, what they did.

They were to hurt him. That's all he'd needed to know, at first. But then his mind had started insisting on an actual reason, an actual answer, so Dazai had started to try and think of one. And that was the best he could come up with - that Sensei had wanted to destroy who Dazai Osamu was, and the best way to do that had been to steal his memories of everything. Take everything that made him a Person away, until he wasn't a Person at all anymore.

He'd never expected anyone to acknowledge his theory. Not just like that.

"You.. believe me ? Why? Why do you believe me?"

And then the man started talking, and Dazai felt like his world had expanded several sizes all at once.

"You don't remember, but we're very close. I love you more than anything, Dazai. You are the most important person in the world, to me. I will always believe you, no matter what."

And Dazai realised, with a breathless jolt of bone-deep knowing, that he recognised this voice.

It was the Sun.

If anyone's confused, this chapter continued the trend of non chronology with a nice lil POV of when Chuuya rescued Dazai, but from Dazai's POV as we already got it from Chuuya's last chapter. This will probably be the last non-chronological segment like that as I feel like we've covered all the important bits of Dazai's time with Mori now.

If you're there I would really appreciate it if you left a comment, because I have no idea how many people would still be reading this fic lol. It feels good to be writing again though damn ! I missed it a lot. I love the fluff vs angst contrast of this chapter, it was super jarring to write but very satisfying at the same time.

Also had to go back and reread the Dazai POV stuff in chapter 17 to get a feel for this chapter and I gotta say, that is definitely some of if not the best stuff I've written in my life. Don't think Dazai POV in this chapter is as good because it's been such a long time so I don't really remember the mindset I was going for properly, but I did my best (: