Nineteen - Missing You

Chuuya slept holding Dazai's hand.

He didn't want to sleep at all, really. A deep, childish part of him was so scared that if he did, if he fell asleep for even a second, that he'd wake up and Dazai would be gone again. His mind tried to tell him that Mori would somehow sneak in, right past all his wards. Mori would steal Dazai from right beside him and Chuuya, Chuuya wouldn't even notice because he'd be asleep, he wouldn't notice in time, wouldn't even be able to chase after Dazai until hours and hours later when he finally woke up.

But Chuuya was six centuries old, so he took that frightened, irrational part of himself and told it that no, Mori would not be breaking through the seventy three wards Chuuya had layered up around the hotel, their suite, even the door and walls to this very room. Even if Mori did know how to break down his wards quickly - and realistically, there was no chance in hell he did, seeing as Chuuya had invented over ninety percent of them himself, and the rest he'd pinched off of old friends over the years - the breaking of them would be vicious enough that Chuuya would be alerted, immediately awoken. That's how he'd designed them, that's how they worked, and Chuuya really, really needed to get some sleep.

But what it took to finally get that tiny panicked part of himself to truly settle down was to take Dazai's hand in his own. He held it tightly (but not too tightly) and knew that if anyone tried to take Dazai away from him, the simple physical grip would do far more to alert him than any complex spell could.

That's how he slept and that's how he woke, about fourteen hours later, Dazai still right there beside him and every ward still intact. Chuuya let out a slow breath as relief bubbled in his stomach, rolled on his back to stare up at the ceiling. It was so.. plain. Not interesting like the ceilings of his house had been, not familiar like the comforting swirling patterns crafted from living wood.

He sat up in the bed, ran a hand over his eyes, pushed his hair back. It was a mess.

Kouyou. I miss you so much.

He'd lost so much in that moment. Dazai, of course. But more than that, he'd also lost six lifetime's worth of magical materials, books, trinkets. Letters from old friends. Gifts. Precious memories. The stupid Christmas sweater Yosano had bought him as a prank twelve years ago. The sweet little parting gift his roommate back at the City of the Mother, Paul Verlaine, had given him at their graduation. Gods, all his clothes - Kouyo's coat - centuries of research, all gone in an instant.

There was a chance he could get some of it back. He didn't know what, how much, or even how. His house had defied the laws of physicality, and as an extension of that, so had the objects housed inside of it. It was possible that some stuff was still caught in the in-between world spaces, but he didn't even know how he'd access that with enough precision to…

Chuuya realised all of a sudden that the Arahabaki had been strangely quiet lately. His presence was still there of course, deep inside Chuuya as always, but it was.. subdued. As if the state they'd found Dazai in had thrown the great beast for just as much as a loop as it had Chuuya. It wasn't too much of a surprise, he supposed. Raw overwhelming power wasn't going to be able to help their situation, was it? Things would be so much easier if it could.

Oh, Dazai was starting to wake. Chuuya looked down at him as Dazai's eyebrows pinched together and he groaned. He felt the hand holding his own squeeze a little. And then Dazai did a weird little full-body stretch that reminded Chuuya very much of a cat, and slowly blinked his eyes open with a wide yawn.

It was weird. Dazai had started to relax a lot more towards the end, but he'd never been this slow when waking. It was.. kind of nice, in a way.

He could see how Dazai tensed as he noticed that there was someone beside him. But then he saw that it was only Chuuya and seemed to relax again, breathing a sigh of relief. And then he looked down at their two hands, grasped together on top of the bedsheets. Chuuya followed his gaze and looked, too.

Dazai was still wearing the wedding ring that suppressed his memories of Mori. The memories of being sliced open and forced full of dark magic. Chuuya hadn't thought before, but Gods, if Mori had taken the ring off - how had Mori not noticed it? Chuuya had no idea. He knew the ring had a light glamour that was supposed to make people look past it, to lower the chances of Dazai taking it off without realising what he was doing. Had that stopped Mori from noticing .. ? It was a miracle, if it had.

Chuuya looked away at the opposite wall, didn't want Dazai to see the emotions he knew were playing across his face, uncontainable. That night was playing across his mind again, a perfect recollection - the night his whole life had been ripped from him, and he'd almost torn himself apart trying to snatch back pieces, trying to get Dazai back.

Dazai had asked what the ring was, hadn't he? Before everything had gone to hell? Chuuya had joked with him that they'd gotten married and oh, it had been a joke, but saying the words had made his heart swell. And then - then, then he'd said "It's a protection charm" and "As long as you wear it, you'll be safe."

And not five fucking minutes later Dazai had been kidnapped by the man who had marred his life. Chuuya was a liar, again.

Chuuya could feel his fist clenching in the bedsheet, nails ripping into white cotton. It had taken him thirteen days to get Dazai back. Thirteen days too many. Chuuya wondered if he'd always hate himself for every one of those thirteen. For his own weakness.

"Chuuya." The urgent voice cut him from his wallowing and he took just a moment to check he was smiling properly before he turned to look at Dazai, eyes already searching Dazai's face for a sign of something wrong.

"What's up?"

"You.. did something? Something feels different." Dazai had this little frown on his face. He was clearly sick of things happening that he didn't understand, but right now - right now Dazai didn't understand a lot of things.

"Yeah. Y'know how you said Mo - Sensei, you said Sensei took your memories? Well, you were right, but he was very mean about it. Rough, not clean. So I smoothed things down, tried to help your mind heal as much as I could."

"Oh." Then Dazai's nose wrinkled in concentration, and after a moment he spoke again, hesitant. "His.. his name was Mori, wasn't it?"

Chuuya could've sighed in relief at that because yeah, having to refer to Mori as Sensei had made Chuuya feel a little sick, honestly. Instead he smiled, even if it felt a little bitter, a little twisted. "Yeah, Mori. Filthy rat bastard, won't be seeing him anytime soon. Never again, actually. You never have to see him again."

"Oh." Dazai said again, and that wasn't what Chuuya had been expecting. He'd expected appreciation, relief, or maybe denial, depending on what particular angle of 'let's fuck Dazai up' Mori had gone for. But.. Dazai just nodded to himself and then squinted, staring up at the ceiling. Chuuya didn't know what he was looking for up there, just let him stare.

The silences between them had grown clumsy, awkward. He wondered if Dazai noticed, or just thought this was how they'd always been.

Chuuya didn't feel like he knew what to say, anymore. Conversations with Dazai had always been easy, but this.. it wasn't easy. He wasn't even going to pretend it was. It was exhausting and scary and it hurt, it hurt to see Dazai like this. But it was necessary, so Chuuya would do it anyway.

And then Dazai did something that surprised him again - he swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood up, looked down at the floor for a moment and then over at Chuuya, face expectant. "We're going to make the eggs again."

Chuuya couldn't help but laugh at that one. "We are, are we? You need something light for breakfast, Dazai. You can't just eat omelette."

Dazai frowned at that, seemingly digesting the information. He did not seem pleased. ".. why not? What's the reason for that?"

"The reason," he said, taking Dazai's hand in his own and teleporting them to the kitchen "is that - oh shit Dazai, sorry."

Because Dazai had turned and thrown up on the tile floor. It was mostly stomach acid with a little omelette mixed in. Chuuya grimaced as it splashed his boots and carefully rubbed Dazai's back, waiting to see if he was done. He was. Chuuya magicked away the sick with a wave of his hand, rushing to grab Dazai a cup of water.

"Sorry, sorry, I should've given you some warning. I forgot - well, you wouldn't remember what teleporting is like, would you? And your sense of linear space and object permanence has been fucked with enough as it is so yeah, that was stupid of me I'm so sorry."

He was rambling. He cut himself off, bit down on his tongue to do it, made sure that Dazai took careful sips of his water. Told himself for the twenty sixth time since he'd gotten Dazai back, that this would be fine. They'd be fine.

Learning curve. It was just a learning curve. They'd be fine.

Dazai had felt scared when he'd woken up and realised there was someone beside him. Then he'd seen that it was only Chuuya and that fear had melted away into nothing.

Their hands had been slotted together. It was nice, a nice warm touch that didn't hurt, and Dazai liked it. He wondered if Chuuya liked it, too. He had looked up at the man's face to try and see, but.. Chuuya hadn't been looking at him.

Dazai had frowned, at that. These past few days he'd had a feeling, you see. It was a feeling that Chuuya was very, very sad and was trying to hide it from him by looking away. Because sometimes he didn't look fast enough, or he didn't notice that Dazai was watching him, and Dazai would see how sad his eyes were. It made Dazai sad, to see it. Chuuya was so kind, so good, a good person. He was the kind of person that should be happy.

Dazai's frown deepened as he realised that something was.. Different, inside his head. Realised that he now knew things he hadn't known before. Things he'd lost, basic things, things he couldn't believe he'd forgotten. It seemed.. so odd, that a point in time had existed not a day ago where he hadn't known what a bar was, or that fields existed, or that mushrooms were a bad, vile food. These simple facts of life and they'd just.. not been there in his head. And now there they were as if they'd never been gone.

Now that they were back it was like he could feel other things, too, things he couldn't reach, couldn't know. He could tell that they were there in his mind, like - like islands, islands of information but they were stranded, with no bridges or boats with which to get to the mainland, to connect with the rest of his mind.

Dazai didn't know if that was something that could be fixed. It was obvious that Chuuya had been able to do something to bridge some of the smaller gaps, but those other bits that Dazai could feel but couldn't reach… if Chuuya had been able to fix them he would've done it, Dazai reasoned. Chuuya wanted to help him.. probably. Dazai still struggled with it, because Chuuya looked at him with eyes that said 'care' and 'friend' and 'i know you', but so had Hirotsu, and Hirotsu had still bent to every one of Mori's orders to hurt Dazai.

It seemed.. different, though, with Chuuya. Dazai felt like he could trust him more, more than anyone else in the world, and that in itself was scary because he didn't understand why. Why was Chuuya someone who could be trusted completely, when no one else in the world could? Was it because he was the sun? Was that it?

Dazai didn't know, but he was determined to find out.

Dazai was asleep again. Chuuya hadn't asked because he didn't think he could actually stomach hearing the answer, but it was easy enough to assume that Dazai had spent a lot of time sleeping while in Mori's care. Mori was a sick fuck, but even he couldn't run his stupid torture-experiments every second of the day.

Chuuya had seen the room Dazai had been kept in. Felt a cold shiver creep its way up his spine as he imagined Dazai, bleeding and confused and alone in the dark, lying on that metal floor and trying to sleep.

So Dazai was sleeping again, and Chuuya had taken it as a private moment to just.. be by himself in the bathroom. To cry. He tried not to, in front of Dazai. Didn't want to scare him, confuse him.

Chuuya cried because fuck, he knew it wasn't going to fucking happen, but some stupid, stupid part of him had still hoped, still desperately fucking hoped that when they woke up beside each other Dazai would suddenly remember everything - that all this would be over, like a bad dream. That all of Mori's bullshit poisonous carnage would be undone, just like that.

Stupid. Stupid, stupid. Chuuya had felt the edges of Dazai's mind himself. Had seen the damage. It was as daft as expecting your sick grandma with cancer will wake up and the tumours will be magically gone. Ridiculous.

And still he'd let himself -

"Fuck." He muttered, angry as he felt the tears burn at his cheeks on the way down. This was ridiculous. Ridiculous. It took a good deal of effort not to let his gravity slip from his control, warp the walls around him, crack the bathroom tiles. He was not paying for damages.

"Fuck, Dazai. I miss you."

Days passed, and it all stayed the same, and over and over and over again Chuuya told himself "This is going to be fine. We can get through this" and every single time he did, he wasn't sure if he believed himself anymore. Wasn't sure he had any choice but to.

Dazai was staring at him again. Chuuya didn't think there was any way to tell he'd been crying. He'd checked for any redness or puffiness and hadn't seen any, and even then, Dazai wasn't as observant as he'd been before. Okay, maybe that wasn't quite fair. He was still just as observant, but it was less.. sharp. Less of a honed weapon. He was still noticing things, but he fell short most of the time, because he didn't understand what they actually meant, because Mori had blasted chunks of memory and knowledge away like it was nothing and -

Chuuya took a deep breath, and just let Dazai stare at him. They were relaxing. Resting. Which was to say, Chuuya was reading a book on spells specifically designed to kill a threat as soon as possible. He knew them all anyway, but it made him feel better to see the proof on paper, see right there in front of him that there were hundreds of different ways he could end Mori in moments if the bastard dared to show his face.

Dazai was sat at the little coffee table, still poking at his rice with a fork. The knowledge of how to use chopsticks was one of the many things that had been blasted away, and it was so odd to Chuuya to think that something so ingrained in someone's person could be taken away, just like that.

Something was brewing, Chuuya could tell. Dazai was puzzling something over in his mind, trying to fit pieces together even though he was missing so many. All the telltale signs Chuuya had grown used to were there. Dazai had spent a little while picking at the threads of the rug. He kept glancing up at the ceiling. Mostly he was watching Chuuya.

"What… happened to Kouyou?"

Chuuya's eyes snapped up at that, and all of a sudden maybe that ridiculous stupid hope he'd cursed himself for having hadn't been quite so ridiculous, after all.

"Do you remember? Dazai? Do you remember Kouyou?"

He couldn't keep the urgency from his voice. Dazai frowned and shook his head, glaring down at the floor, but his eyes had a puzzled look of frustrated concentration to them. He was annoyed at himself for not knowing, not remembering.

"I… no. But. I don't know who Kouyou is, I don't - I just.. it's someone Dazai cared about? I'm.. Dazai was worried about them, but.. something happened. Something bad. What happened, Chuuya?"

And oh boy, wasn't that a question?

Chuuya ignored that every time Dazai referred to himself in third person, Chuuya felt like he'd been stabbed. It was fine. Dazai was just struggling with the concept of identity a bit. With the difference between the Dazai before Mori, and the Dazai after, Dazai now.

It was fine. Chuuya was struggling with it a bit, too.

"Um. You and me, we lived together, you know? Before? And we lived in a house that was.. alive. And her name was Kouyou."

"I.. see." Chuuya wasn't sure that Dazai actually did, but he didn't know how else to explain it, where to elaborate. How to explain that the soul of his sister who'd been dead for five centuries had embedded itself into the very fabric of his home, had refused to ever let him be alone.

Dazai didn't say anything else, just turned back to his rice. Chuuya blinked in surprise… okay. That was the conversation over then, he supposed.

He turned back to his book and wondered if he was doing an even passably good job at rehabilitating Dazai with the world.

Probably not.

"Chuuya. I don't want to."

And that was a tricky one, because Chuuya didn't want to push through a clear denial like that, didn't want to push at a clearly set boundary, wanted to prove to Dazai that he could say no and it would be respected, listened to… but at the same time Dazai really was in desperate need of a shower.

"Dazai." He spoke slowly, wanting to make sure that every one of his words were listened to, processed. "If you really really don't want to I'll let you be, but you're going to need to do this eventually. I'll be in there with you the entire time, won't leave your side for a second, and I genuinely think you might even enjoy it."

Dazai wrinkled his nose in clear distaste. "Is it.. really necessary?"

"Yes. If you don't you'll get dirty.. dirtier. It'll feel gross and then after a while you'll get sick. You won't like that."

"And you.. you'll do it with me? You promise?"

Chuuya smiled at that, took Dazai's hand ever so gently in his own, started to lead them towards the bathroom. They wouldn't be teleporting anywhere for a while, not after the last time. "Yeah, I promise."

When they reached the shower Dazai didn't even seem to notice it, which was.. odd, considering how adverse he'd been to the idea of a shower itself. "This is the shower." Chuuya explained, turning the water on to let it heat up. It wouldn't take longer than a few moments to do so, not in a hotel like this. He winced as he noticed Dazai flinch away at the first sounds of water spraying, hitting the shower floor.

The shower was a fancy one with lots of room. Open plan, so no sliding glass door to shut them in. It wouldn't feel too cramped. That was good.

"We're going to take this slowly, okay? So first, I guess you should put your hand under the water. Let me know if it's a good temperature for you."

Dazai gingerly brushed his fingertips against the water, flinched away, only to frown and put his hand under the water again, properly this time. He looked.. confused.

"It's.. warm?"

"Uh, yes?" Chuuya realised with a pained start that Mori had probably been giving Dazai cold showers. That would explain his aversion. "Yes, showers are hot, like this. You can have them at any temperature you want, but they're nice like this. Relaxing."

Chuuya followed Dazai's eyes as they trailed up the tiled wall of the shower to the shower head itself. He was still frowning, this confused-frustrated look at not understanding something he knew he was supposed to.

"Okay, it's.. where's the, um, what's it called.. green thing.. that man called it h.. ha.. hose? Hose! Where's the hose, Chuuya?"

Just like that, Chuuya felt like he was choking. He pushed it down, faked a smile, forced cheer into his tone. It was almost practised at this point. He'd promised he wouldn't lie to Dazai ever again. He half-hysterically wondered if all this acting counted as lying. If he'd been lying all along.

"No hose here! What you had before wasn't actually a shower, Dazai. This will be very different. C'mon, clothes off. You uh, you take your clothes off to shower, otherwise they get soggy."

"Oh."

Chuuya pointedly ignored just how tense Dazai was. There was no way to prove to him that this would be okay, no amount of reassurances would do it. He could only learn to trust it through experiencing the full process.

Chuuya tried to help him along by starting to strip his own clothes off. Dazai stood there for a full minute before doing the same, and Chuuya couldn't shake the thought that Dazai had probably been waiting for someone - Mori - to remove his clothes for him.

Stop thinking.

His brain kindly doubled up with the reminder that Mori had been spraying Dazai down with a hose of cold water in that dark metal room to clean him, and Chuuya had to fight hard not to throw up his breakfast as his stomach lurched and twisted at the images his mind was conjuring. Dazai must have been so scared. Must have been freezing.

Stop. Thinking.

Dazai didn't say anything. His shoulders were so tense, and shaking just a little. With the most reassuring smile he could manage, Chuuya took his hand and ever so carefully they stepped into the shower together, under the hot spray of water.

He let them stand like that for a couple of minutes. Let Dazai slowly adjust to the heat, to the feeling of water. Watched as he reached up and ran his fingers through the spray, blinking hard when it got in his eyes.

When a lot of the tension had disappeared from Dazai's shoulders, Chuuya started the next step. He pulled shampoo out of the air - vanilla and orange scented - and showed the bottle to Dazai, squirting a generous amount into his own palm and starting to rub it into his scalp in demonstration.

"This is how you clean your hair, okay? Want to give it a try?'

With only a little hesitation Dazai nodded, reaching out and taking the bottle from Chuuya. It took him a few tries but he managed to get a good blob of shampoo in his hands and started rubbing it into his hair, staring at Chuuya all the while like he was checking to see if he was doing it right.

"Careful, you don't want to get it in your eyes. It'll sting" Chuuya reached out as he spoke, wiping away the soapy bubbles that had been sliding down towards Dazai's eyes. Dazai was doing a good job, all things considered. Chuuya decided they'd leave the conditioner for another day, though. Just this once.

"Okay, now we have to wash it out. Close your eyes and stand under the water - there we go."

And that was that. Shower success, and Chuuya felt a lot better for it. Dazai certainly looked a lot better, too, now grime-free.

Chuuya smiled to himself, and it changed to a grin as Dazai smiled back at him. He felt revitalised, and not just from his magic imbued energy boosting body wash. This shower had been.. it was like proof, that they'd be okay. They'd taken something that had scared Dazai and they'd re-learnt it and there had been no issues and it had been fine. It had been completely fine. It was proof that step by step they could get through this, the both of them.

This time when he told himself that everything would be fine, that they'd get through this.. He actually kind of believed it. Really truly started to think that they could do this, together.

If someone asked him, Dazai would say he was having a good time. That the emotions he was feeling right now were .. relaxed, and happy. Relaxed and happy and safe.

Dazai thought that today had been… the opposite of all the days he'd spent with Mori. Those had been cold and scary and alone, and this was everything but. He mused to himself as he stared at the tv screen, that he wanted every day to be like this, forever.

The shower had been.. Well, it had been very different from what his definition of "shower" had been before, so that had been weird. It had been nice, though. The water had been warm like a hug and Chuuya had been there every second just like he'd said he would be, so it had barely been scary at all. His hair even smelled nice now, a bit like the thing Chuuya had fed him earlier called 'fruit'. Fruit had.. it had tasted weird, but in a kind of nice way? Dazai wasn't sure about it yet.

He'd been sad at first when Chuuya had cut his hair, thinking that the nice smell was going to go away, but Chuuya had promised that the smell was actually at the top of his hair where he put the shampoo, and that it'd still be there when he finished cutting. He'd been right! He'd been right, and his hair still smelled of fruit and now it was shorter, too, not tickling his shoulders as much. He still didn't really understand what the point of cutting it had been, but Chuuya had smiled at him when he'd asked if Dazai wanted a haircut, so Dazai had said yes.

And now they were watching a film. Again Dazai didn't really understand the point of it, but Chuuya had said it would help him learn about the world outside of their hotel, and Dazai did want to know more about that so he'd agreed. He was finding that a lot of the stuff the film was saying, he already knew. Like the sea. He'd known about the sea, how it was split up across the world. He'd known that. He hadn't known about this really weird animal called an octopus, though. He'd pulled a face when it had come on screen because it looked really weird and Chuuya had laughed at him, told him that the octopus was something you could actually eat.

Dazai wasn't sure if he was disgusted at the thought of putting something that looked like that in his mouth, or intrigued.

"Dazai." Chuuya nudged him in the side with his foot to get his attention, and Dazai looked up at him to show that he was listening, and because he'd learnt that Chuuya liked it when their eyes met. Chuuya was lying on his side across the sofa and Dazai was at the end, happily cocooned in three blankets and with his feet propped up on a comfy padded stool. He had decided he liked blankets a lot. They were like the hot water - they felt warm, like when Chuuya hugged him.

"If you don't feel up to it you can absolutely say no, but I was wondering if you'd want to go visit a friend of ours? Her name is Yosano, do you remember her?"

He stared down at the carpet to think because when he was looking up there were too many things to look at, and his mind couldn't concentrate properly enough to remember anything. Dazai frowned because that name was.. it seemed very familiar. He couldn't put a face to it, but… "Is.. She's like you? She can make things appear?"

Out of the corner of his eye he could see that Chuuya was nodding at him, could tell without looking that he'd have an excited-happy smile on his face, like he always did whenever Dazai remembered something.

"Yeah, she can do things like me, things normal people can't. She's helped us both a lot in the past, and she's always there for you if you need her. She.. I wouldn't have been able to get you back without her."

"Oh." Dazai stared down at the floor for a moment more, then looked back up at Chuuya, offering a weak smile. He didn't like to think about a reality where Chuuya hadn't come to save him. It wasn't acceptable. "We should go see her, then."

"Yeah?" Chuuya looked a little surprised at his agreement, so Dazai nodded again.

"Yes. Unless Chuuya doesn't want to…?"

"I do, I do! I just wasn't sure you'd be.. ready, I suppose. It's too late tonight, but we can go and visit tomorrow. I think you'll like her house. It's much nicer than this hotel, it's a proper home. Lived in."

"Like Kouyou?" Dazai asked, and he noticed with a start the way that Chuuya seemed to be in pain for a second when he said her name. He shouldn't say that name anymore, then.

"Yeah." Oh, Chuuya's voice was so soft. "Kouyou was our home, and Yosano has her own."

Dazai didn't want to hurt Chuuya anymore than he already had with his questions, but he.. he had to know. "Will we.. will we have another home? Can you get another home once it's destroyed?"

Oh no, Chuuya was crying. But he was also.. smiling? Dazai bit his lip. He didn't know what to do. Didn't know what to say. He wished that whenever he opened his mouth he'd only say the right thing, always.

"One day, Dazai. I really hope so, one day."

Being back at the cottage felt like coming home.

He'd sent Yosano a message the night he'd rescued Dazai, explaining that they were safe, but that Dazai's memories had been torn away by Mori. That Dazai didn't really remember either of them.

Yosano, ever the best friend he could ever ask for, had offered right away to come to the hotel, to be with him. To try and ease some of the strain, the burden, by being by his side. He'd rejected the help in fear of overwhelming Dazai.

Yosano had opened the door and seeing her had felt exactly like the moment he'd seen Kouyou for the first time after running for weeks and weeks, not sure if anyone he loved was still alive.

It had felt just like that, and he wasn't ashamed to admit he'd shed a tear or two when Yosano had wrapped him in her arms without a word.

Over the next few hours, Chuuya had felt as though a bone deep exhaustion had been lifting from him, seeping out from under his skin. He felt the very last of the tension drain from his body as Dazai spat out a mouthful of wine, tongue stuck out in clear disgust. Yosano was laughing with him, magicking the stain from the carpet with a wave of her hand, and yeah, Chuuya was too happy to be back here to be stressed right now. If he was going to relax, this was by far the best place to do it.

"It tastes wrong." Dazai whined, and Chuuya grinned at him, sipping from his own glass.

"It tastes like wine, Dazai. You're meant to sip it slowly. I've got some other bottles you could try if you don't like that one."

Dazai stuck his tongue out at him, and it was tinged red from the wine. "Why is Chuuya giving me wine when he could be giving me crab instead? Mean."

Chuuya froze for half a second at that, because he hadn't known that Dazai remembered he liked crab. He saw Yosano still too, could feel her eyes on his mouth, knew that she was staring at the way he was smiling. "You can't have crab at two in the morning, Dazai. It's time for sleep, not crab."

They'd had a really nice day, in Chuuya's humble opinion. Yosano had been.. careful, around Dazai. A little hesitant overall but still her warm and welcoming self, and just like before Dazai had seemed to get on with her even better than Chuuya had expected.

They'd baked cookies together, all three of them. They'd turned out a little wonky, but Yosano had proudly declared that misshapen cookies were actually the best kind, and after tasting them Chuuya was inclined to agree. They'd packed them full of chocolate and sea salt and caramel and Chuuya had had to cut Dazai off after the first four, because he'd remembered that they were supposed to be being careful with his stomach and diet at the moment.

Then Yosano had helpfully reminded him about the sheer number of high class healing charms around her house and he'd relaxed, and Dazai had happily munched away at three more cookies without so much as a sign of sickness or discomfort.

It was moments like those that always reminded Chuuya that he really, really loved magic.

Even so, it probably wasn't great for Dazai to be up this late, not when he'd been sleeping so much lately and hadn't even had a nap today. Yosano's charms could only go so far.

"Come on you, time for bed. You gonna be okay sleeping here?"

Dazai looked over at Yosano, then at the walls, then finally nodded. "Mm, it's fine."

They'd been okay teleporting Dazai here (the beginners trick was to close your eyes and hold your breath for five seconds after it was over) but Chuuya wasn't going to push it by teleporting him to Yosano's guest room. They walked up the stairs together, Dazai staring at the charms and shelves and trinkets and shiny things that covered Yosano's walls.

"She has so much stuff. Is that what a home is? When you have stuff? Do you not have any stuff, Chuuya?"

Chuuya couldn't help but chuckle at that, flicking the bedroom light on. "I have stuff, Dazai. It's just not stored in a physical space you can see right now. A lot of it is in a place I can't get to, either. I might be able to get it back one day, though."

He didn't elaborate on the years of study that that was most likely going to take, instead throwing himself onto the bed, sinking into the soft mass of the feather duvet with a sigh of content. He pat the space next to him and after a few hesitant moments Dazai copied him, jumping back onto the bed with a quiet "oof" on impact.

"Come on you, sleepy time. I'll get you some crab tomorrow."

He watched the way Dazai turned to stare at him, gaze wide eyed and serious. "Promise?"

"Yeah, I promise. Now get some sleep, Dazai."

Chuuya couldn't sleep.

It had been two hours he'd been trying. Dazai was out like a light, snoring softly beside him. Chuuya had worried before that Dazai would struggle to settle down in a new environment like this, but clearly that worry had been unfounded.

Apparently anything was fine as long as it wasn't a cold, dark metal room. Figures.

As carefully as he could Chuuya slipped out of bed, watching to make sure he hadn't disturbed Dazai. He could feel that Yosano was still awake, pacing around the house. That made sense. Her species tended to sleep even less than regular Mages did, napping a few times a week and then sleeping for a few days every so often, when they had to digest a big meal.

Chuuya moved silently down the stairs, skipping the third step at the top because he knew it creaked, not wanting it to wake Dazai. He had looked so peaceful, deep in sleep and surrounded by a feather duvet.

He slipped out the front door, leaving it ajar behind him. He knew Yosano would have heard him go out, would likely come to join him in a few moments. He took the time to stretch, to enjoy the cool, brisk English breeze that blew through the forest. England was nice. He'd always been fond of Europe. Maybe he'd settle down here, when the time came to.. To rebuild.

The thought of having a home without Kouyou in it made him feel so horribly empty. The presence of Yosano in the house behind him was all that stopped him from feeling alone, in that moment.

There was a deer drinking from a pond not two meters away. It didn't notice him. No one from the outside could see the cottage, or sense the presence of those inside, unless Yosano chose it to be so. Not even Chuuya would be able to sense the house if he didn't already know where it was - Yosano was truly a master of defensive wards.

Had to be, all things considered.

The lady in question stepped out beside him, sitting herself down on a tree stump a few steps from the front door. The wards didn't extend far past the house - she was right on the edge. The moment she stepped past them, she'd be broadcasting her presence to anyone in the world who'd care to search for her.

Chuuya knew all too well who would want to hunt down Yosano. She was wise, to stay hidden.

"How've you been doing? He hasn't tried anything?" He asked, because he hadn't gotten the chance to since they arrived, hadn't wanted to scare Dazai with talk of Mori. Even now he kept his voice soft, even though there was no chance of anyone overhearing him.

Yosano sighed from her seat, and Chuuya noticed that she was holding a glass of wine. "He's tried, for sure. But nothing's changed since he last tried, he still can't find me. Can't wait for that bastard to just roll over and die already."

"Amen." Chuuya pulled his own glass of wine from the air, and they toasted to it, both wearing tired smiles.

A few minutes of companionable silence passed, the both of them gazing out at the deer. Then Yosano took a deep, heavy breath that always meant she was going to say something Chuuya probably didn't want to hear.

"We need to talk about Dazai, Chuuya."

Chuuya looked over at her, suddenly alert, genuinely not sure what was coming next. Had Yosano found something? Some way to fix things, maybe? No, no that - that wasn't anywhere near her area of expertise, it'd be stupid to even consider such an unrealistic idea.

"I've seen the way you act around him." She said, and she's looking at him in that way she does sometimes - like her eyes are boring into his soul. "And the thing is, he's still a person, Chuuya. A whole person, and its not fair to treat him like some kind of half-person, like you're just waiting for the 'real' Dazai to come back."

Chuuya stayed quiet, because Yosano is in lecture mode, and he knew from many years that it was not a good idea to interrupt her when she's like this.

"This is the real Dazai now, Chuuya. As difficult as it is, you're going to have to decide if you still love him or not."

Now that was enough to break Chuuya out of his silence. "Of course I do!"

Yosano's gaze is somehow piercing and sad all at once as she stares at him with that odd mix of judgement-pity. "Do you, though?" She sighed, took another long drink of her wine. Bollinger 1973, a vintage bottle Chuuya had gifted her for her birthday three years ago. "There's no shame if you don't, Chuuya. He's an entirely different person. If you're going to spend the rest of his life waiting for him to turn back into someone else, that won't be fair on either of you. Won't be healthy."

Chuuya was stunned into silence, because he hadn't even considered.. that. He felt sick. Knew that it wasn't because of the wine, or the late hour.

Yosano nodded slowly to herself, as though she'd known he hadn't even considered this. "You have to spend time with him. Proper time. With him, the him he is now. Don't spend the whole time desperately searching for a hint of the old Dazai. He's gone, Chuuya." The words cut like knives, but Chuuya forced himself to nod all the same. "Dazai has to rebuild his entire mind and things will turn out different, it's inevitable. He might like vegetables, for starters."

Chuuya managed a watery half smile at best at that and Yosano stood quickly, rushing over to pull him into a hug.

"Oh, you silly old man. I know you're hurting. This is hard for you, so hard, I know. But you're doing amazing, you know that? You're letting him grow into his own person instead of trying to nudge him towards who you think he should be, and that - that must be so painful. I'm so proud of you, my dearest friend."

Chuuya found himself crying before he could stop it. Yosano didn't say anything more, just held him. Chuuya tried to let himself believe her words, because Yosano never spoke like that, so he supposed she must truly mean it. He wasn't going to do her the dishonour of questioning her words when they were so sincere.

He tried to let some of the pain drain out with his tears. They broke the hug only after a few minutes had passed and Chuuya felt like he could take a full breath again.

Yosano returns to sit on her tree stump. They both watch the deer at the pond - three baby fawns have now come to join it, lapping at the cool water, illuminated by the moonlight that breaks through the trees.

"I'll do my best for him. It's all I can do. But it's.. it's so hard, sometimes. Sometimes it's fine but other times it's just.. he's so different, and it's hard."

"Yeah." She murmurs, not saying 'I know', because she doesn't. Chuuya wonders if there's anyone else in the world that's ever experienced this. He hopes not, for their sake.

"You'll get through this, though. You always get through everything, don't you? And if it ever gets too much, I'll be there to help. I know I'm not quite as cool as your magic house, but I'll always be there if you need me."

Again, Chuuya lets himself believe her.

"Thanks, Yosano. For everything."

"Anytime."

They had been sitting there in silence for a few hours when Dazai joined them. It turned out he didn't need as much sleep as he had been getting recently, and Chuuya wasn't sure if that was because of one of Yosano's charms, or simply because Dazai was physically healing. The night had still been dark when Dazai had pushed the front door open and sat on the floor beside Chuuya, staring in wonder at the baby rabbits that were hopping around just outside the barrier's edge, munching on grass and greenery. Chuuya had absently thought that it was probably a good sign, that Dazai had been able to get up and find them on his own. It was a good, healthy level of independence.

At Chuuya's suggestion, they'd gone up to the roof to gaze at the stars, to watch them give way to the sun.

Yosano and Chuuya had spent countless hours up here in the past, and it was nice to share it with Dazai. He seemed just as charmed by the stars as Chuuya had been the first time Yosano had ever brought him up here. They shone unrestrained, brilliant white specks painting the sky, no light pollution anywhere near to block them.

There was no need for words, up on that roof; the three of them watched in quiet company as the stars twinkled above them. A shooting star raced across the sky. And then slowly, ever so slowly the inky black of the night shifted to purples and blues, then reds and oranges as the sun slowly climbed it's way up, up, up past the horizon.

It was just as beautiful as the first time Chuuya had seen it, but his eyes weren't on the sky, not tonight. Tonight they were trained on Dazai's face, watching intently as silent tears rolled down his cheeks. In any other scenario Chuuya would have been worried, but Dazai didn't seem to be sad - in fact he was smiling. It wasn't one of the broad, mischievous grins he sometimes flashes, but the softest purest smile of joy Chuuya thinks he's ever seen.

Yosano's words had been playing through his mind since they'd left her lips. His initial kneejerk denial had made way for resolute acceptance over the hours. He would care for Dazai, keep him safe, of course he would. But love? Chuuya knew he would have to wait and see if he falls in love again. It was only fair.

In that moment, up on the roof, Chuuya stared at the smile on Dazai's face as he gazes up at the stars, and thinks that there's a very, very good chance he will fall in love again. It's only a matter of time.

Dazai has had several of the best days of his life recently and he's found that those leave him tired, and it seems like Chuuya's tired too. And because they're both tired they haven't been doing much, and because of that Dazai has had time to think.

He's found that his mind never stops. It's always always trying to solve and understand and it'll never ever just be quiet, even when he's trying to sleep. Especially when he's trying to sleep.

Dazai had thought that the stargazing with Chuuya and Yosano had probably been the best moment of his life. His mind had taken that thought and tried to solve it, tried to pick it apart and use it to make other connections and pathways and spin it all into realisations and things that made sense.

Sometimes he hated it. Hated that if he had nothing to do his mind would put things together and solve things and present him with uncomfortable certainties that he didn't want to know. But he could also tell - could tell that this was something that would keep him safe. That this was his way, his way to defend himself against a world that could be so sharp and painful. This was his, and he could use it, and it would serve him well.

And that's how it happened.

Dazai was lying on the sofa, piled under two blankets. He'd been napping before but then he'd woken up, and he wasn't sure if Chuuya had noticed, so he'd stayed quiet and just.. watched him.

Chuuya was reading a book. He was lounging at an odd angle on the hotel's couch. Out of nowhere Dazai had been struck by a sudden, vivid image of Chuuya reading on a beanbag, a red one, and had realised with a strange kind of certainty that that image was something he had seen before. This was something that he had experienced, something that Mori had taken from him.

So he had watched Chuuya read, as his mind had worked and turned over his life, picking it apart into little pieces.

He'd stayed lying there on the couch as he realised with a dawning horror-certainty that Mori would take all this away from him again, if he ever got the chance. That as long as he was alive there was a chance that Mori could snatch him up and put him back in those dark, dark rooms, and Dazai wouldn't get to see his Sun again for a very long time. Maybe even forever.

It didn't take long after that. Only moments after the realisation came did another certainty dawn, grim and resolute in his heart : Mori would have to die. Mori had to die, and Dazai had a very good idea of how to do it.

This chapter is a bit of an awkward, disjointed mess because that's literally what their relationship is right now haha. Hope it was good to read, though ! Long chapter, because we're building up towards an end point. I've started Chapter 20 buuuut uni is starting up this week so might be a month or so until I finish it. This A/N is short bc i am tired, posting the chapter and then passing out haha. Night guys ((: