It took a bit of convincing, but I finally got Grace to agree to letting Michaela move in here. Leaving the home that I've known for over a year is scary to think about, but it was never my home. My home is with Pete and our child. They are my true family. We are packing up the last of our things this week, because once we sign the lease in a few days, we will be in an apartment that is ours.
Until then, I'm leaving the house as often as I can, just to get used to not being there whenever I'm not at college or looking at the sunrise. This afternoon, we decide to go to different stores just inside of the city, shopping for our still nameless baby girl.
We don't want to spend a ton of money, because she already had unused hand me downs from Bonnie, but she definitely needs a few things of her own too. We get a few small things, like teddy bears and a new blanket, but we also get a few outfits for her. We want to be prepared, so we get a couple newborn outfits and a couple outfits for babies that are born prematurely, just as a precaution. Looking at the section for the latter, Pete points a dress out to me.
"Angie, look at this one. I know that we're only getting plain things, but I think this would be cute for her because it has suns on it."
The dress that he is holding up is light purple with white suns on it. It is very cute, so in the end, I relented. We bought four outfits, one blanket, and three stuffed animals before heading back home for dinner. During dinner, Pete coughs a lot, and then leaves because he doesn't feel well. He gives me a big hug before he leaves, like he always does, and it makes me feel whole once again. At the time, I think nothing of it, but he calls me the next morning after cancelling sunrise watching.
"Pete, what's up?"
"I'm not feeling well at all today. I described my symptoms to my doctor and he thinks it may be pneumonia."
"Oh my gosh, Pete, that isn't good. I'm coming over."
"No, don't. We don't know if it is that or if it's something else. It may be contagious, and I don't want you or our little girl getting sick. I know that I'll be ok, I just called to keep you updated. I'm seeing the doctor in two days. There's no need to be worried, Angie."
"I'll leave some soup outside of your door then? Grace has taught me a great recipe, and I won't be at risk of getting sick."
He chuckles a bit. "Ok, fine. Remember, tomorrow morning we'll video call and watch the sun rise outside our windows. I love you so much, Angelina."
"I love you too."
The next morning, we texted each other as we watched out of our windows. He didn't end up wanting to get on a phone call, but we did talk. As I went to his dorm to drop off some soup, I noticed an envelope that says, "For Angelina. Don't open this now, you'll know when." It seems odd, but I brush it off, until I get a call from Pete's dormmate just a few minutes later.
"Hello?"
"Angelina?"
"Yeah, what's going on, Mike?"
"Pete isn't doing well; I'm taking him to the hospital."
"Oh no!" I start to panic. "Um, I'm just around the block, I'll ride with you."
Just then, I hear what sounds like someone falling and then the call ends. I practically run back to Pete's building from the bus stop and as I get there, I see Mike doing chest compressions on Pete's lifeless body in the middle of the parking lot. My mind goes blank and I can't even think. All that is registering in my mind is Pete, dead, right in front of me. I scream and scream, falling to the ground in grief. It feels like maybe if I scream his name loud enough, he'll come back and tell me it's ok, but he can't. I don't even realize how long I had been screaming and crying before I feel a comforting hand on my shoulder as they put Pete in the ambulance. It's Grace. I don't even ask how she knew I was here; I just hug her harder than I've ever hugged another person.
"Angelina," she says with the same comforting tone she had on the day we first truly talked, "Mike called me using Pete's phone. I'm so sorry."
Eventually she takes me home, and I just lay in bed, scrolling through all of these beautiful families on Facebook and YouTube for hours, thinking about how I don't have that anymore. It'll just be baby Meylor and I. I'll never see him again. Our baby will never meet her father. I can't afford the apartment we wanted on my own, so I lose the deposit and have nowhere to go, yet again. I only get up out of bed to use the bathroom, and I eat in my room. After almost a week of this same cycle, Ben comes in and sits next to me one night.
"Hey, Angelina. How are you doing."
"My boyfriend just died. How do you think?" I didn't mean to be rude to him; I'm just so angry at Gemma and the powers at be since they took away the one person who could take the kid once I have to leave. He said he'd be ok. I thought he'd be ok. Why wasn't he ok and how did I not see it coming?
"I'm worried about you. You've barely eaten or done anything for that matter. It's hard, I know."
"You don't know, Ben. You still have Grace."
"Around two years ago, Grace and I lost a baby. A girl, who we named Bonnie. It was hard enough losing Bonnie, but I almost lost Grace too. She had really bad complications and had to go into surgery immediately. Bonnie passed away during the procedure. We expected that, as it was a very risky operation, but there was a bit of time on that day where I thought Grace had gone too. It was the scariest moment of my life. Now, I know that Grace ended up being ok and Pete didn't, but the grief was still there."
He can see the sadness on my face, and changes the subject.
"You know, in times where I was having a rough night as a kid, my mom had a tub of ice cream for emergencies that she stored for me to eat. You in the mood for ice cream?"
I had ignored my craving for ice cream for a while, but now I can't resist. We go down to the kitchen and talk while eating rocky road.
"You don't have to talk to me and care anymore. Pete's death was a wake-up call. It'll just end badly if I get too close to you all, so I'm leaving tomorrow."
"To where?"
"I don't know. I just know that I can't stay here."
"Of course you can! Remember when we said that this is your home for as long as you need it? Well, you still need it. We love having you here, Lina."
"What about Michaela? She's your sister. She deserves to be here much more than I do."
"She can move in with Jared."
"No, she can't. She needs to be here."
"Ok, well we do have the basement. It has tons of boxes and old play stuff from the twins. We'll have to clear it out a bit, but I don't think Grace would mind helping me move it all to the attic."
"Great, I'll move to the basement."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah. It has more room for the baby, doesn't it?"
"It does, but it's a bit more detached from the rest of our rooms."
"Your sister deserves to be in the one closer to you."
"Ok then. I'll talk to Grace about it tomorrow."
Just then, he looks at the envelope from Pete that I brought down with me.
"What is that?"
"Pete left it for me on the day he died. I know that it's time to open it, but I don't think I'm ready yet."
Grace walks in and asks, "What's going on?"
"I was just about to go to bed, but I don't know whether to open this or not. I don't know if I'm ready." I respond.
Grace nods, and then we all go back upstairs. Ben goes into his and Grace's bedroom, but Grace follows me to my room. She assures me that I am ready to open it. When I do, I find a letter. It reads:
"To my guardian angel, Angelina.
If you're reading this, then I am not on this earth anymore. I made this for you because I wanted you to hear the full story. I started feeling sick a week ago. I got diagnosed with pneumonia, started getting the medication, and thought I could get better on my own since a hospital is so expensive. I'm so sorry, Angie. More than anything, I want to be there for you and our baby girl, but since you're reading this, I guess I wasn't meant to be here on Earth with you. Remember that I am in Heaven smiling at how strong you are. Please, don't waste time sulking forever. Enjoy life while you have it. I love you more than everything in the entire universe.
Love you forever,
Peterson Baylor."
Pete is right, I can't spend my limited time here not living. I need to be strong for him and for our little girl. I need to keep fighting for our baby's world, and continue being the guardian angel that Michaela and Zeke need to come back together and save everyone. I look closer inside the envelope and see a gold cross necklace. I have seen him wear it a few times, and I remember that the cross is the symbol of the Christian religion. Grace helps me put the necklace on and I go to look in the mirror. I still have a little piece of the one I love most, and I go to sleep grateful that I was able to have so much time with him.
The next day, I get up and actually get ready so I can go to Pete's funeral. Not many people are there, but Mike is. He gives me a photo album and says that Pete was saving it for the baby. It is filled with pictures of him as a baby, kid, then pictures of us together and ultrasounds with notes for her on the back. This is something that her and I will cherish forever.
Within the next few weeks, lots of stuff happens. The basement is cleared out, new furniture is moved down there for me, I move down to the basement, then Michaela moves into my old room. It was for sure awkward at first, but things adjusted to a new normal. Mick brightened the mood of the house, and we all had so much more fun than usual during movie nights and family dinners. They're finally a family again, and I'm so glad that I could be a part of it. We laugh so hard during dinner one evening, four weeks and six days after Pete's death, that I don't even register that I'm starting to feel pain every few minutes. After dinner, I walk down the stairs to my room and smile, knowing that I'm making a difference just like I was supposed to and just like Pete would have wanted me to.
Suddenly, five minutes after the last pain, I feel it again but stronger. I grab baby Meylor's crib to steady myself, I look at her crib that was supposed to be Bonnie's, and the realization hits me just as the fluid hits the floor. Shit, I'm only 33 weeks. She's way too early! I keep telling myself to just breathe and calm myself, but I panic. I need to go to the hospital, NOW.
"Grace!" I scream, "GRACE?! BEN?! MICHAELA?!" Nobody is answering, and I'm getting desperate. "GRACE?!"
Grace runs down the stairs to me and helps calm me down as she shoves some of my clothes in a bag. I grab the necklace around my neck. Pete, can I do this? Can I do this without you, alone?
Grace helps me up the stairs and into the passenger seat of her car. It's way too late to turn back now. All I can do is be strong and hope that this baby girl is going to be ok. It's what Pete would want, and it's what I want. She needs to be ok. I keep hold of my necklace for the remainder of the drive to the Edward Koch hospital.
I can do this. Not just for me, and not just for Pete, but for her.