I will not lie to you; the past couple weeks have been rough. Despite my best efforts to retain a preferred lifestyle, what was the previous structure and routine has all but dissolved. I had hoped that my new found employment would bring some relief to my current situation, yet instead it has caused as many problems as it was supposed to solve. I shall explain.
My initial job interview with the post office went well, splendid even. I was relaxed, dressed in my best clothing, and had developed rapport with my interviewer. As I left, I felt elated, thinking that I had scored the job. I went home and eagerly waited for a call back which never came. I spent a week waiting only to get a reply email telling me that they were going to hire someone else. Of course, I did not take this well but I managed to pull it together in the end. Finding another job was difficult but it honestly got to a point where I was willing to do almost anything. If it was just for myself, I would be more relaxed about everything but with my smurfs in the mix, I was desperate. After scouring job offers, I managed to finally find a job that would take me.
An hour outside of town was a corporate packing facility which was used to ship items bought from their online store. My job was to be one of the people running around on the floor all day trying to find peoples items. Not an easy job at all, especially when you factored in the minor problems you find out about along the way. I am almost one hundred percent sure that they trained me poorly due to hoping I would quit rather than raise problems. Not that it would be answered anyway, my new boss was short tempered and would be more concerned with me not being on the line rather than whatever concern or complaint I had. Along with the problems with staff was the many inconsistencies and near draconian rules in place. I had no break during my morning shift and one in my night shift. I was never able to use the bathroom, instead I had to sneak off and lie when I did. On top of all this, the management was super paranoid and constantly called us ungrateful for having a problem with the workplace environment. Needless to say, I was run ragged for what pittance of a paycheck I received.
It had really started to take an effect on me. I had tried to contain my drinking to only a couple sips when needed but that eventually grew in size and frequency. I was now lugging around a full bottle in my bag, prepared to consume it the moment I returned home. The stress had affected me, turning me sour, bitter, and short tempered. I would work all day only to come home to drink my self to sleep. It had caused my normal careful and fastidious nature around my smurfs to get sloppy. One morning when I was hungover and trying to feed everyone breakfast, I had accidentally smeared a large amount of smurfberry baby food all over Lucy's mouth. The squirming infant was confused at first, surprised that I had missed her open mouth and instead sullied her clean skin. Her siblings could not contain their laughter, nearly falling out of their highchairs as they cried laughing. I hurried to clean her as I realized what I had done, humiliated that my drinking had caused a slip of composure. I had another scare one night when I come home late and fell asleep on the couch. I woke up at four-thirty in the morning to see Leo asleep on my leg and his siblings running mad around the house. In a frantic scurry, I cursed myself for neglecting to get them in bed as soon as I arrived. I quickly rushed them through their night routine, but they were to stimulated to fall asleep. I was up until the early morning trying to get them to sleep and by the time I was done the time for my next shift was imminent.
Dave had noticed my actions and tried to voice concern. I knew he meant well but my own ego got in the way. I was mad not at him but myself, for failing to ask for help when I needed it and for failing to provide for myself despite my struggles. I was unable to vocalize this at the time however, instead I merely tried to save face and shut him down. Still, over time I was unable to keep up the charade and caved into receiving help from him yet again. He took some things from the house and used it to create a second but smaller bedroom for the smurfs at his house. This would allow him to keep their care and conditions consistent while I was away. It would also make it easier for them, now that I was away longer.
They had noticed it too, all of them. Gus was hurt, being the original he had a very close relationship with me. I was hard on him when he acted out but it was because of the immense expectations I had for him to care for his siblings. He spent most of the evenings I was away moping by the window, refusing to be held or to eat until he saw me. Only then would he return to his normal disposition. Lucy was doing her best to keep everyone together and make sure that the younger ones were not too affected. She was not sure what was happening but she could tell that something was wrong with the humans in her life. She spent her time being near the young ones, keeping them calm and from getting scared while I was away. Leo, bless his heart, was more visibly shaken by my absence than the others, crying when ever I returned as if he thought I would never. He was getting bigger and was finally reaching a healthy weight instead of the skin and bones which I found him. Still, he was one of the younger babies and still clung to his sister throughout the day. Daisy however, was more mobile and preferred to walk. She was more inquisitive than the others, constantly looking for me while I was away and searching the ends of the rooms, we them in for an escape. She was very sad that Gus no longer played with her but had warmed up to the twins just fine.
I knew things were bad. I knew that it had gotten to a point where I felt the edge coming. I had seen it before, maybe once or twice in the past but never before did I feel it like this. Maybe it was the pressure or perhaps it was the physical exhaustion, but I could tell I could tell each day that I was getting worse. I lay awake in bed at night as my usual sleep podcast played and the thoughts would start. They drove me to thoughts which were new to me, of hate and of fury. I had always been a bottler, kept everything back my whole life. Now I was beginning to feel the after effects. The newfound pain which developed in my stomach told me that this was getting worse. I had no choice, I had to continue. It wasn't an option for me to quit. I had to many people, to many things riding on my success now. I had to see things through to the end.