The Face of Love Chapter Twenty-Two

"It's always better to face the truth, no matter how uncomfortable, than to continue coddling a lie."—Lou Holtz

When Aaron came home the following morning, the sun was already up on the horizon, and the smell of the morning breeze mixed with coffee hit his nostrils. The day already promised to be long and it was just past seven in the morning. Penelope and Derek had offered to stay with Jack and Violet the past few nights while Emily was at the hospital, things were definitely a mess. JJ had been watching Violet since Emily was found, but she had her own kids to worry about, so she had left in the middle of the night to go back to her kids. That way Penelope and Derek could stay with Violet and Jack. Emily had not seen anyone on the team since she was taken to the hospital. Hotch had wanted her to rest and be seen by the doctors before the team had the opportunity to come visit her. It had been a very long night, after Emily had been admitted the doctors wanted to conduct a series of evaluations of her. She was physically unharmed, but the psychological trauma she had experienced was something she would probably never forget. She had woken up in the middle of the night screaming from a nightmare, covered in sweet and gasping and fighting against whatever hell Doyle had put her through. He had no idea what was he supposed to do from now on. He was happy Emily was alive and back into their lives, but there was always a catch to these things and now he needed to sit down and explain to a five-year-old and a ten-year-old that the woman they loved and believed dead was now alive. The kids had been traumatized enough as it was, having their mother back would make them happy, but how could he explain she had been targeted by an arms dealer that held her captive, then killed her and then brought back from the dead. There was also a pending conversation between Emily and him because she had hidden important information from him for almost a year. She had divorced him and put not only her life in danger but their children's lives as well. This entire vendetta had gotten her hurt, Doyle had kidnapped Violet, that was what hurt him the most…that their daughter had been dragged into all of this.

"Hey, my good man, how's it going?" Derek asked, nursing a cup of coffee. Hotch didn't respond, he just gave him a look.

"Are the kids still sleeping?" He asked, throwing his key on the kitchen counter.

"Yeah, Garcia is upstairs checking on them. Are you okay?"

"I don't even know." He said quietly, leaning against the kitchen counter. Derek reached for one of the coffee mugs pouring a generous amount of coffee in it and sliding the mug across the counter to Aaron.

"Is Em doing okay?"

"She was sleeping when I left." Hotch said tiredly. "She barely slept last night, waking up two times screaming from nightmares."

"It's going to get rougher before it gets better, man." Morgan reasoned. "She's going to need a lot of help from you and all of us."

"I know that." Hotch said pressing his lips into a thin line.

"Aaron," Morgan said in a serious tone, "I hope you know that what Emily did was to protect you and the kids."

"You think I don't know that?" He said, raising his eyebrows. "That doesn't make it any easier. Morgan, my daughter was kidnapped and held captive by a terrorist…all because she chose to run away with her dirty laundry."

"Man, I get that you're mad, trust me, I get the whole trust concept, but you know better than anyone what it's like to have to keep secrets from the ones you love, you have been there."

Hotch didn't say anything, he just stood there staring at the floor. In all honesty, he was exhausted and so done with this particular subject. The initial fear of losing Emily, her death and then knowing she was alive, was now being replaced by anger, distrust, disappointment, and even hatred. He loved Emily more than life and God had given him another opportunity to see her and hold her, but he was so fucking mad at her, he could scream…once the adrenaline rush of the past few days had worn off, he felt empty.

"You do know that she did this because she loves you, right?"

"I actually don't…she divorced me, Derek, I don't even know who she is anymore." He said coldly. "What I do know is that I have two kids upstairs that have been through more than any child should ever have to and are completely devastated for her loss. How in the world am I supposed to tell them the woman they believed to be dead is actually alive?" His eyes were filling with tears that he had before refused to shed.

"I don't know, Aaron, but you find a way!" Derek said in a harsh tone. "This entire thing sucks, man, and I'm sorry this happened to you, but you don't give up on the people you love because it gets too difficult."

"Hey, boss man." Penelope walked in interrupting their conversation, she had heard their escalating voices from upstairs and she knew she needed to step in and calm things down.

"Good morning." Hotch said, taking the opportunity to blink the tears away.

"Are the kids still sleeping?"

"Violet is, Jack is already awake, he was brushing his teeth. I was about to make breakfast for them."

"Thanks, Penelope, I'm going upstairs to say hi to them."

Penelope waited a few minutes for him to be out of sight before turning to Derek, "I hate that he's so angry, that this even happened to them, I just want them to be happy again."

"Baby girl, it's going to take time, they've been through a lot, but they'll figure it out."

"What if they don't, Derek." The blonde said with tears in her eyes. "Did you read the medical report? What if he raped her, Morgan, that's not something people can overcome that easily." Penelope finished with tears rolling down her face.

"She will." Derek said, coming close to her and wiping her eyes. "It's Emily…she has a little girl and a little boy who need her, she has to."

Upstairs, Hotch walked into Jack's room saying, "Hey buddy."

"Dad!" His son jumped into his arms immediately. "I didn't think you would come home today, can we go play soccer in the park, I learned a new trick."

"Maybe later, now we have to get ready for breakfast, and then I need to talk to you and your sister."

"Do you have to go back to work?"

"No, buddy, I don't, get ready, okay, Aunt Penelope is waiting for you."

"Okay. But tell Violet to wake up, she always takes forever."

Hotch smiled for a second watching his son fly out of his room. He wasn't sure how he would react to the news. Jack was much older than Violet, and he was also smart enough to understand the situation. He loved Emily dearly, she had been a mother to him for the past few years and her death had truly devastated him.

When he walked into Violet's room, she was still asleep, her thick-dark hair sprawled across the purple comforter. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to do, he had failed Violet in so many ways. She had lost her mother and been kidnapped all in a matter of one month; that was a lot for a girl her age to handle. He never expected his little princess to have to go through so many tragedies, she was supposed to only worry about cartoons and unicorns, yet, she was already stronger than any other person he had ever met, maybe even stronger than her mother.

He slowly made his way to her bed, sitting next to her and placing kisses on her forehead and cheek, being careful not to startle her.

"Wake up, baby girl." He said softly. Violet stirred in her sleep, and her eyes began to open slowly blinking against the harsh morning light.

"I'm sleepy." She whispered and then her eyes focused on her dad.

"Daddy…" She smiled fully awake now throwing her arms around her father.

"Hi, sweetheart." Hotch just held her for a few minutes savoring the moment before he had to break the hard news.

"I missed you so much" The girl said. "Can we go to the park, Jack said he'd teach me a trick cuz…um…he learned from soccer."

"We can go to the park later, but I need you to get up and get ready." Hotch brushed the tangled curls that were bouncing from her head.

"Okay, but…you don't have to go work, right?" The girl asked, bouncing off the bed happily.

"No baby, I'm not going to work." He responded, standing up and heading toward her dresser to help her get clothes for the day.

After breakfast, Penelope and Derek gave him the courtesy to be alone with his children to talk to them and explain what was going on. They were sitting outside on the patio, the morning sun already high enough with the promise of a hot day.

"Are we in trouble?" Violet asked wondering why they were all sitting at the patio lounge about to have a conversation as her dad had explained a few minutes earlier.

"No, baby, you're not in trouble."

"Then why are we here, I thought we would go to the park." Jack protested.

"We'll go later, Jack, right now I need to talk to both of you."

Both kids looked at him worried and wondering if they were about to be yelled at, as far as they were knew, they had not gotten into trouble lately.

"What's going on?" Jack asked impatiently, not realizing his dad was struggling to get the words out.

"It's about Em-mom." He said, knowing that what he was about to say would change their lives forever.

"I don't like to talk about mom, it makes me sad." Violet said, a pout already forming on her beautiful face.

"I know, honey." He took a deep breath "I know this was hard on you guys when mom died, and I'm sorry you guys had to see that."

Now both kids had a frown on their faces and were not sure why their dad was talking about something that hurt so much.

"You know your mother and I chase bad guys for work. And well, there was a very bad guy that wanted to hurt your mom. He actually did hurt her pretty bad, and then the bad guy ran away…."

Jack frowned in confusion; they'd heard this story before…then why was it an issue now.

"See, sometimes we have to say things that are not true in order to protect someone."

"Lies are bad, daddy" Violet said.

"Yes, they are, but sometimes it's necessary to help someone."

"Like what?" Jack asked with the same stern look his face that his father wore most of the time.

"Well, like I said, when mommy was hurt, the bad guy wanted to kill her, and we needed him to think that he had so he could leave…."

"But he did kill her!" Jack's voice was already angry and confused.

"We told him that he did so he would go away, but we just did that to keep mommy safe."

"What?" Jacks face reflected anger, confusion and then hurt. "You lied to us?"

"We had to keep Emily safe, Jack, everyone needed to think she had died."

"You lied to me!" Jack yelled, standing up with tears already rolling down his cheeks, "Why would you lie to me…why would you be so mean?"

"Jack, please listen to me…" Hotch begged, trying to appease him while his five-year-old watched with confusion across her face.

"No, where is Emily?" He asked angry tears sparkling in his eyes. "If you lied about that, maybe you're lying now, I will never believe you again!"

"Mommy is not dead?" Violet's voice was shocked as tears began forming in her eyes.

"No, Vi, mommy is not dead."

"I hate you, I hate you! why would you do that!" Jack screamed at him.

"Jack, buddy.…"

"No, I don't want to talk to you, you lied to me!" Jack took off running through the house before Hotch could say anything else.

"You lied about mommy being dead?" Violet asked trying to comprehend as good as a five-year-old could what was going on.

"I'm sorry, Violet, we had to lie, it was the only way to keep mommy safe."

"But we buried her, where is she?" She was so confused and so scared it broke his heart. "Why did you lie?" Hotch pulled her into his arms as she sobbed softly.

"I am sorry, baby, I'm sorry l lied, but we had to save mommy, we had to save her from the bad guy."

"Where is mommy, I want to see her?"

"I'm going to take you to see her, okay, but I just want to talk about this a little bit more, okay?" He told her gently placing her in his lap. Violet nodded, rubbing her eyes and sniffling.

"Honey, I need you to understand, I didn't mean to hurt you or lie to you; if the bad guy had known mommy was alive, he would have tried to hurt her again, I promise you it was the only way to keep her safe."

"Is the bad guy gone now?"

"Yeah, baby, he is gone forever."

"Does that mean mommy can come home?"

"Yes, she's not feeling well right now, but as soon as she feels better, yes, she can come home."

Violet nodded, she was very young to understand what was really going on, and why her mother had been hidden from a terrorist. She seemed happy and relieved to know her mother was alive and that was good enough for Hotch. Just as he had expected, Jack took the news the hardest. He knew he would need time to process everything and understand what was happening, hell they all needed time to overcome this nightmare.

"Are you sure you don't want to come?" Hotch asked again looking at his son who was playing video games.

"No" Jack said, barely meeting his eyes.

"Okay then, we'll be back later." He said giving his son a kiss on the head. JJ smiled at him from where she was leaning against the doorframe.

They went into the foyer, Violet holding his hand, a frown and pout on her face but the promise of seeing her mother again kept her going.

"Thanks for coming over." Hotch turned to JJ.

"Don't even mention it, Aaron, we are family."

"Thanks, call me if he needs anything." Hotch said looking in Jack's direction.

"Of course, just give him time, he'll come around."

"I really hope so, he hasn't said more than two words to me all day."

"He is a kid, Hotch, this has been hard on all of us, but mostly on the kids."

Hotch nodded, he knew that…of course he knew that, but it didn't make it any easier. He also understood why Jack was so mad, Emily was another mother to him. Losing Emily was devastating, he remembered a conversation they had just when Violet was born, where Jack asked him if it was okay for him to love Emily as much as he loved his own mother and if he could have two mommies. Jack felt angry and betrayed and it would take a while for him to understand they had done what they did to save Emily. Hopefully one day he would.

When he arrived at the hospital, Emily was sitting by the sofa near the window…she wasn't wearing an IV anymore, but the doctors had requested that she stay another night and have a psychiatrist evaluate her. She seemed lost in thought when Hotch walked in, she didn't even hear the door opening, she just sat there her eyes lost and her mind miles away.

"Mommy?" Violet said, scared, she still couldn't believe her mother was alive. Emily immediately turned around her eyes filling with tears at the sight of her little girl, the five-year-old didn't even wait, she launched herself into her mother's arms.

Emily grunted at the force of her little body but pulled her into her embrace immediately, her eyes spilling tears against her will, a sob escaping her lips. She hated to cry in front of her kids, but right now she just couldn't help herself. She wanted to say so many things but what was she supposed to say…"I'm sorry? I love you?" No words could ever explain how she felt when her daughter had been taken by Doyle, and then not seeing her for months.

"Mommy?" Violet cried, clinging to her mother so hard, she was pulling her hair, but Emily couldn't care less.

"Oh baby, I love you so much."

"I missed you, too, mommy, why did you leave me?"

"I'm so sorry, Violet, I am so sorry, baby." She was sobbing hard now and so was Violet, Hotch's eyes were spilling down his cheeks against his will. Just watching the woman, he loved broken and battered and his little girl crying uncontrollably broke his heart all over again. What was he supposed to do now, how was he supposed to repair the damage and make his family whole again? He wasn't sure he could, so much had happened.

Violet and Emily remained in a tight hug for a while, when their sobs finally subsided, Emily clasped her daughter against her chest whispering special sweet words to her.

"Where's Jack?" She asked hoping she could see him but understanding if Haley was hesitant about it because of everything that had happened.

"He's at home with JJ, Haley is picking him up in a little bit and then JJ wants to come see you."

"Haley is mad, isn't she?" She asked, understanding but still it hurt a bit.

"No, it's not that." He said, sitting on the hospital bed in front of her.

"What is it then?"

"Jack didn't really take the news very well, he is pretty upset"

"He doesn't want to see me?" she asked the sting if rejection hitting her harder than she could imagine.

"Em, you have to understand, he is only ten, all of this was hard on everyone, especially the kids, just give Jack time…."

Emily nodded wiping her eyes and kissing Violet again; she knew this would not be easy but it really hurt that the kid she had considered her son for six years. She also knew Hotch was mad at her, even if he had told her last night, he wasn't. She knew what she had put him through in order to keep them safe, and she would not change a thing, she had done what she needed to do for her family. But that didn't mean it didn't hurt, she had asked him for a divorce, and left a note saying she loved another man. She had kept important information from him, information that ultimately put her life and their child's life at risk, that's something she knew Aaron would never forgive her for. And she understood, if he had done the same thing, kept things from her, for whatever noble reasons, that endangered Violet's life she would have been furious with him.

JJ arrived about one hour later to see her, but the rest of the team was coming later in the day. Hotch knew very well Emily and JJ needed some time to talk, hell, he needed to talk to Emily, but that wasn't going to happen at the hospital and it definitely wasn't going to happen anytime soon. So Hotch took Violet with him to the cafeteria leaving the two women alone.

"How are you feeling?" JJ asked, unsure of what she was supposed to ask.

"I don't even know…., Emily sighed, JJ had always been the one person—aside from Aaron—that she could talk to about anything. She couldn't count the times she confided in her best friend about her troubles, when she first fell in love with Hotch, and when she was pregnant, and whenever she and Hotch got into a fight. Right now, she just didn't have the words, she wasn't even sure what to say or where to start. The last time she spoke to JJ, she had been awful to her, and there she was standing his in front of her with her blue eyes glistening. JJ stood up from the sofa where she had been sitting, turning her back to Emily, a turmoil of emotions overcoming her.

"What the hell where you thinking, Emily?" She demanded, unable to face her.

"That I had to protect my daughter, that maybe, just maybe, if I did whatever he wanted, he would leave Violet alone.…" She knew her excuse was lame, but it was the absolute truth.

"You could have told me." JJ said hurt, finally turning to look at her, her eyes red and a tear sliding down her cheek. "You tell me everything, why couldn't you tell me about this?"

"Because he could have come after you and the kids, as well…you don't know Ian, JJ, what he is—was capable of."

"He almost killed you, Emily," JJ said bitterly. "Do you have any idea what it was like to sit there being told your best friend was killed, and then to bury you; dammit, Emily, what the hell was in that coffin?"

"I don't know…." Emily said, tears already running freely from her eyes. "I didn't really get much to say about that…."

"I had to watch Hotch fall apart afterward, Violet cried herself to sleep for over a month, the team was a wreck, and then it was an entirely different kind of terror when Violet was kidnaped. Do you have any idea how terrified Vi was, how confused she must have felt?"

"Don't bring Violet into this!" Emily stated defensively, standing up from the bed. "Okay? You have no freaking idea. I have not closed my eyes in over six months, looking over my shoulder every second of the day. You have no idea what it's like when the monster of your dreams comes back for you. And then, when he isolates you from everyone you love, but you are willing to do anything to protect them even if it forces you to be with him, but you let him do whatever he wants because it's the only way to keep your child safe, so don't fucking come here and lecture me about my daughter." Emily was screaming now, her eyes shining with tears, her heart throbbing and her hands shaking from the fury..

JJ's mouth dropped at the confession, she had wondered what Doyle had done to her friend, she had had nightmares about it. But she had never imagined he would have raped her. She crossed the room in two long strides reaching for her and pulling her into her arms, Emily tried to fight her at first, but JJ stubbornly pulled her in and held her close.

"I am so sorry, babe, God, Emily, I can't even.…" JJ began crying, too, the two friends held onto the hug for a while. Eventually, Emily's sobs subsided, but JJ kept rubbing circles across her back, her own eyes soaked.

"I love you and I'm so proud of you; do you understand that, you are the strongest and bravest woman I have ever known." JJ felt guilty for yelling at her, she had been sitting at home and being mad, thinking about what they had been through for the past six months. Yet, she had never considered what Emily had been through, and hearing it from her own mouth broke her heart.

That was exactly how Hotch found them when he came into the room with Violet in a tight hug, Emily still sniffling and JJ's eyes red with unshed tears.

"Everything okay?" He asked concerned.

"We're fine, just give us a second." JJ eyed him still rubbing Emily's back. Hotch nodded and left the room giving them a few more minutes of privacy.

"Please don't tell him anything about…he doesn't know."

"It's not my place to say." JJ squeezed her hand as Emily sniffled wiping her eyes with her free hand. "But, Em, he's going to have to know at some point.…"

"He will never forgive me, JJ." Emily said miserably.

"Emily, Doyle raped you…he can't hold that against you, he won't, he'll understand, he loves you."

"I just need time, I'm not ready to talk to him about that."

"I know that, but you need to if you want this to work again."

Emily nodded settling back against the bed, she wasn't even sure how she could put into words that she had slept with Ian Doyle, even if she hadn't necessarily consented.

"Making amends is not only saying the words but also being willing to listen to how your behavior caused another's pain, and then the really hard part…changing behavior."– David W. Earle