The Face of Love Chapter Twenty-Three
"Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together." — D. Love
It was past eleven at night when Emily found herself sitting on her patio, her knees to her chest and her arms wrapped around herself. It was chilly outside, as fall was quickly approaching. The night sky was clear and the stars rose above her like fireflies. She used to love looking at the stars and sitting out there until it was almost sunrise. She shivered feeling the cold breeze hit her and she sniffled, her eyes shining with unshed tears. She had been home for two months now and things had not slowed down. Jack was still being short with her and she had barely managed to put her life back together, she and Hotch had allegedly gotten back together, but things had been worse between them. They had gotten into more fights during the past few months than the entire eight years they had been together. Emily was quickly becoming frustrated with him. She understood where he was coming from, she really did, but he was beginning to really make her angry.
They had talked a lot during the past two months. Time and time again, Emily had explained her reasons for hiding what was going on with Doyle; the reason why she had asked for a divorce and everything that had happened to her while at Doyle's. Everything but the fact that Doyle had basically raped her…she just couldn't bring herself to tell the man she loved that she had been sexually intimate with another man, the same man that had tried to kill her. Of course, she hadn't exactly consented to being with Doyle, she had no other choice, but it was not like he had held a gun to her head and forced her. Perhaps if Emily had tried harder to push him away he would have stopped altogether, but he had just killed someone in front of her and she was still in a state of shock when it happened. When he came into the room she was so panicked and vulnerable she had no energy left to fight him off, and she would regret that for the rest of her life. She could still smell his nasty cologne when she closed her eyes really hard. Nightmares were still waking her up screaming in the middle of the night and covered in a cold sweat. That had led to more fights with her husband. Hotch knew she wasn't being completely honest with him about what happened with Doyle and she knew that he knew. She had spared him the details to save him the pain of having to know her dignity was violated, and she felt it was better this way.
However, he was convinced she was hiding something bigger and when she refused to talk about it, the arguments started even when Hotch was really trying to be understanding, trying to be supportive and forgetting what had happened. At times, Emily thought they really had moved on and things would be better, they were both giving it a chance at being happy and together for their children. Emily knew Hotch was trying and she hated herself for not being able to tell him the truth. He had bent over backward to support her and be there after she was released from the hospital, even when she snapped at him for absolutely no reason. He was still kind and gentle with her, never losing his temper. The past week had actually been great, Emily was finally back at work and with the kids being at school, life started getting busier again. When she came home that evening, she decided to make a nice dinner for her family and then they all gathered around the living room to watch a movie. Jack was with Haley and as much as she wanted him to be the same little happy boy he really was, she knew it would take time. After the movie, Hotch cracked a bottle of wine and they both retired upstairs for some alone time. Emily should have imagined at some point Aaron would want to be intimate with her again, she just didn't realize she wasn't ready, not after what Doyle did to her. So, when conversation moved to gentle kisses and he was becoming more affectionate, Emily panicked.
They were hanging out on the bench chair in their room with an empty bottle of wine sitting on the end table. Emily's legs were pulled beneath her, and a blanket covered both of them. His arms were around her; they had been talking for a while and they both were a little bit tipsy. His strong hand encircled her waist bringing her closer to him and kissing her. Emily wanted to be with him, she really did, after all, he was the love of her life. So she let him pull her up from the chair and wrapped his arms around her waist, his mouth hot against her neck, Emily closed her eyes focusing on his hands and the way they used to made her feel. When he lowered them on the bed and began kissing her neck she whimpered, she wasn't sure if it was pleasure or fear.
"I love you, baby." He whispered, trailing soft kisses across her neck.
It wasn't until his hand moved under her camisole that she really began panicking. She shivered against his touch and wanted to push him off her. When she closed her eyes, the face of Ian Doyle came to her mind, remembering his cold and forceful hands against her skin. A micro flash memory hit her of her crying as the Irishman pounded into her whispering her name.
"Emily…."
"Stop!" She pleaded meekly, but she wasn't sure Aaron could even hear her, his hands now trying to unclasp her bra.
"No!" She whimpered and Aaron froze to make sure he heard her right.
"Just stop…please stop." Aaron pulled away looking at her, the fear in her eyes, tears running down her cheeks and her petrified face.
"Honey, I'm not…."
"Just stop…." She said, reaching for the shirt that had been discarded and putting it on. She moved to the headboard of the bed, wrapping her arms around her knees, sniffling.
"I'm not forcing you…if you don't want to do anything, just say so, Emily…I thought you wanted to…." He stopped, she had never looked so vulnerable and scared. "I'm really sorry…I didn't hear you say no." He felt terrible, he would never want her to think he would force her to do anything that she wasn't comfortable doing.
"Honey," He reached for her, but she flinched away. "Emily, what happened?" He asked confused, they were completely fine just a few minutes ago.
"Nothing." She said wiping her eyes and making herself smaller. "I'm sorry, I just don't feel good."
"Sweetheart, please talk to me?" He begged at his wits end. They had had this conversation so many times, and he was growing impatient with her.
"Can we just go to sleep?"
"No." He said, looking at her. "Em, I think we need to talk." He'd had his suspicions before, but Emily always evaded the subject. His fears had been confirmed a few minutes ago that Doyle had done more to her than she had admitted.
"I really don't want to talk right now."
"Emily, I need to know." He stated, closing his eyes, even though he knew the answer, he needed to hear it from her own lips. "Did Doyle….?"
"Stop, Aaron, I said I don't want to talk about this!" She cried, jumping abruptly from the bed. "Can't you just leave it alone?"
"No, I can't, you need to tell me if something else happened in that cabin."
"Dammit, Aaron," She snapped. "Why can't you just leave this alone." She rushed past him going into the bathroom and slamming the door behind her.
He took a deep breath trying to collect himself, then followed her into the bathroom. When he walked into the bathroom, he found her sitting on the floor by the tub.
"Please leave me alone." She begged, her eyes red and puffy. "I've already told you I don't want to talk about it."
"This is why we fight, Emily." He said evenly, feeling adrenaline and anger rush in. "Because you keep hiding things from me."
"Aaron, I'm begging you to please drop this." She warned.
"Did he rape you?" He asked. Emily flinched at his words and hot, fresh tears rushed down her cheeks. She stood up immediately trying to rush past him, but he stopped her.
"Let me go, please."
"You need to tell me what happened in that cabin, Emily." His eyes were piercing.
"God, why can't you just stop!" She shouted, pushing him off. "Why do you keep doing this, why do you keep going back to the same wound?"
"Because we can't move past this until you are completely honest with me."
"We've talked about this a thousand times, no matter what I say, you keep going back to the same old thing." Hotch was fully aware they were shouting and their child was sleeping in the room across the hall.
"Emily, please lower your voice, Violet has been traumatized enough."
"Right, and that's another thing that's my fault?" She reproached him.
"I didn't say that." He said, looking at her intensely. "I'm trying to save our marriage; I'm trying to do whatever I can to make this work, and I just wish you could trust me."
"This isn't about trust, maybe there's no fixing this. Maybe our marriage has been broken since before any of this started." Her words were like a stab in his chest.
"I just want to help you, you're not okay and you know it, maybe talking will help."
"I am so sick and tired of talking, I am so done with everything, no matter what I say or do, you won't believe me…what's the point to even try!"
"Emily…."
She freed herself and pushed past him leaving their bedroom and slamming the door behind her. Yikes, Hotch thought, he wasn't sure what else he was supposed to do to help her when she refused to talk to him.
Emily sniffled, wiping away a new wave of tears and wrapping the patio blanket tighter around herself. She reached to the back of the lounge chair where her secret stash was hidden and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. Lighting one and inhaling the toxic substance feeling the smoke hit her lungs. She normally didn't smoke, she had picked up the habit when she was a teenager, and she sporadically smoked when she was drinking, or when she was really stressed, she had smoked more in the past few months than in her entire life.
She was on her second cigarette when the screen door opened and she saw Hotch standing there. He had wanted to give her space, but she had been there for over an hour and it was beginning to get cold outside.
"Please come inside." He said. "It's cold, Emily, you're going to get sick."
Emily sniffled shaking her head as more tears pooled in her eyes. Hotch sighed, coming to join her on the lounge chair reaching for her free hand tenderly, as her other hand still held the tobacco.
"I thought you were going to quit smoking." He told her good-naturedly. She just shrugged her shoulders, eyes shining with tears, as she tamped the cigarette out in the ashtray in front of her.
"Sweetheart…." He started, coming closer to her and pulling her into his arms. At first, she tried to pull away, but he was stronger than her. She closed her eyes and a few sobs escaped her lips.
"Em, I don't want to fight anymore, I don't want you to feel like you have to be scared of me ever…I'm sorry about earlier, Em, I really am, I would never try to ever…."
"I know that." She sniffled. " I'm sorry, too, I just…I can't, Aaron…you don't understand."
"Are you scared I might get mad? That I would leave if you tell me?"
"No, it's not that. "
"Emily" Hotch sighed thinking carefully and knowing the next few words would define their relationship perhaps forever.
"I don't know what to say or do anymore, please tell me what it is that you need." He begged. "I will do it, I just want to repair our marriage."
"Maybe we can't." She sniffled, wiping a few more tears from her eyes.
His heart dropped. Until a few days ago, he was convinced they would finally repair their marriage, but apparently, she didn't feel the same.
"Emily, if you think staying divorced and going our own way is what you want.…"
She shook her head, the hot tears burned her eyes and she just didn't have the words.
"I don't know, Aaron, so much has happened, I love you, I really do, but I just don't know if we can fix this."
"We could if you would just talk to me, Em, we can see a therapist. I'll do whatever you want." His eyes stung with unshed tears, he was basically screaming at her not to end their relationship. Emily closed her eyes shaking her head one more time, and he knew that there wouldn't be more talking tonight, no matter what he said or did.
"I think we should go inside, sweetheart, it's cold and we both have to work tomorrow."
"You go ahead and go to sleep." She said sadly. "I just need a minute."
His mouth formed a thin line. He hated that she shut down from him like this; he reached across the table to light the fire pit hoping she would be more comfortable. As much as he wanted to bring her inside into the warmth, he did not feel like talking anymore, and he definitely did not want to push her anymore. If they continued like this, they would end up in a serious argument from which they might never recover.
"Alright, Em, as you wish." He sighed, standing up and kissing her forehead. "Don't stay out too long." And with that, he headed back inside the house.
The following morning when he woke, Emily was nowhere to be seen, he was usually up earlier than her, yet, by the time he came downstairs, Emily was already gone, leaving him a note and asking him to drop Violet off to school as she was supposed to meet the Director that morning. Hotch sighed knowing fully well her meeting was just an excuse to be away from him, and frankly he wasn't sure how much longer he could deal with this situation.
Emily spent her day at the office doing paperwork, her meeting with the director had been as she had expected it to be, she was lucky she had not lost her job. The FBI had accused her of starting a vendetta with a terrorist and using government funds to fake her death and pay hospital bills, and more funds to pay for the time she was in hiding. They admired her and respected the job she did, but she had crossed a line and now all eyes were on her, she knew that from now on she needed to watch her every move at the FBI. By the time it was six o'clock, she was exhausted and had a terrible migraine.
"Hey," Cruz said, walking into her office, "I thought you would have been gone by now, where's Violet?" The deputy director asked.
"Hey," Emily's smile was short. "Um, Aaron picked her up already."
"Your husband beat you home? What's going on?"
"What do you mean?"
"Emily, come on, Hotch called earlier to make sure you were alright…you're not answering his messages."
"I'm not avoiding him." She said defensively.
"I didn't say you were avoiding him." Matt said, smirking and crossing his arms over his chest.
"Well, it sounds like you were implying it."
"Someone is sensitive about the accusation." Cruz tilted his head.
"Uh…." Emily said, opening her mouth but nothing really came out.
"Em, you have got to talk to your husband." Her boss sat in front of her looking at her the way he did all those years ago. Emily shook her head closing her eyes, feeling the tears already forming.
"It's not that easy." She confessed.
"No one is saying it's easy, Emily, what you went through is something I don't wish on anyone, and I'm sorry that you had to even go through all of that…but do you remember why you did this in the first place? Why you did everything Doyle asked?"
"Because I love them."
"Right, and now, you're getting another chance at life. Doyle is finally dead and your husband is trying so hard to mend the broken pieces together, you both have been through hell and more, and you're about to let Doyle win and wreck your life."
Emily bit her lips stifling the tears. "I don't know how to tell him what happened, what he did to me…forced me to do.…"
"Darling, you once told me he was the only person in the world you could talk to about anything…he loves you, Emily, God help me he does…probably more than I ever did… just give him a chance before you end it."
She nodded and Matt stood up reaching across her desk to squeeze her hand.
"Don't let him walk away, he's a winner."
By the time Emily made it to her car, it was almost eight. She had several missed calls and text messages from Hotch all which she had ignored throughout the day. The only message she sent to him read I am fine; I will see you at home. That had been about three in the afternoon, and now she was sure he was pissed. She knew she was being unfair with him and probably acting like a kid, but she was terrified of telling him the truth. She had managed to convince herself that the minute Hotch knew that Doyle had sexually abused her, he would leave her and think the worst of her. It was stupid and she knew it, but it wasn't always easy to share something like that with the one and only man she loved.
She truthfully did love him, more than she had loved anyone in her entire life, she had learned how to see life with joy and hope with him. He had given her the gift to be a mother and cherish that, he was her entire world, she could not imagine her life without him. As she pulled up to the red light, her eyes were swimming with tears. She reached into the cup holder pulling out her phone and ignoring the messages.
"Hey," Came his voice soft and gentle, he didn't even sound mad.
"Hi." She barely got the words out, and he knew immediately she was crying.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah," She sniffled, "I've officially been warned by the director, and I'm now in a probationary period."
"Yeah, I imagined that much." He said, and she could hear the soft jazz music in the background, which probably meant that he was home. "It'll be okay, though, you're amazing at what you do, and they will forget this."
"I'm not even sure I want to stay."
"You don't?" He asked surprised.
"Remember Gideon?" She asked, keeping her eyes on the road, it was difficult to drive using her phone with her eyes swimming with tears.
"Jason?"'
"He's teaching at Georgetown; he's actually the dean. They have a position in their criminal justice department."
"Teaching, huh?" He replied, glad to have any kind of conversation even if it was about work.
"Maybe, I don't know, I just can't go back to work and pretend nothing happened.
"I know, baby."
"Aaron?"
"Yes, love?"
"I love you." She choked out, unable to fully finish the sentence… "So much."
"I love you too, Emily, more than you'll ever know."
"I know we need to talk and all."
"Violet is with JJ, and I'm making dinner." He said, knowing her better than she knew herself.
"Why is Vi with JJ?"
"Because she's awesome and she figured we might need the time."
"Yeah, hey, remind me to buy her a pretty nice gift for Christmas."
"I think we may go broke getting Christmas presents this year." She smiled.
"You might be right."
"Come home, baby."
"I'm already on my way." She replied with a wet smile.
"Okay, sweetheart, be careful."
"Hey, Aaron, I just…." She stopped, her heart beating again, but her husband knew her better than she knew herself.
"I know, Em, l already know." He said quietly hearing her sniffle again.
"Em, I want you to know what he did wasn't your fault, and I will never hold that against you. I love you no matter what."
"I love you, too." She cried into the phone. "Always and forever." And even though she was terrified, she knew they would be alright.
"There is no denying that there is evil in this world but the light will always conquer the darkness." ― Idowu Koyenikan