Chapter 13: Past
"W-what?" Yunji exclaims, looking at me with so much fear in her eyes.
"H-how?" it was now Baekhyun's turn to ask the questions. They both trembled looking at me straight in the eyes. I couldn't get myself to make eye contact with them, the amount of guilt I've been feeling for the past 4 years was all coming to haunt me once again.
"I-It was an accident, I-I swear," I explained.
Flashback
"Mom? Dr. Kim?" I call out. My voice echoed in the quiet hallway. The faint sound of machines clashing with my voice. I only had turned 20 then and I was taking advanced classes for my med school, so my mom let me go to the family hospital with her and practice/learn about the family business better. She left me to look around in her office and some of the floors except the Operating Rooms and private rooms because they would always be busy and I didn't want to add on to the stress they already felt. I needed to ask her about some documents I found but she was nowhere to be found.
"Mom?" I call out once again. I then found myself in one of the private rooms. Shit. I'm not allowed to be here. I start to head back towards my moms office, hoping shed at least be there already. As I walk back i hear the voices of doctors and nurses running towards the area with a person in a hospital bed, completely about to block the doorway. I wasn't allowed in this area so I was practically screwed.
I run towards a room, not bothering to check on the name written beside it. The door was unlocked meaning nobody was inside. If the door was locked and it had a red light above the door then the room would have been occupied, but this room wasn't.
I sigh in relief when I hear the footsteps dying down.
As I'm about to head back out into the hallways curiosity takes over me and I turn around and gaze upon the room behind me. It was just like any other rooms you'd see in a movie or TV series. It was something I found interest in, but not something I wanted to pursue. The medical tools required for a surgery was all laid out neatly underneath a covering, on a table almost touching the wall. It was all perfectly sharp and polished. This room wasn't occupied just yet, it needed a bit more time until the next patient would finally arrive.
I turned around to examine the bed they'd be using for the surgeries when a scream almost escapes my lips. This room was occupied by a barely breathing person. I don't know if Im and idiot or if I'm completely blind, but I was sure they were dying and they needed help. I walk closer to the patient and notice that they were looking right at me. By the looks of it, she was a girl and her grey tinted eyes screamed for help. She looked so helpless and scared. The small amount of fear I had of getting caught was long gone by now. I needed to help her, I needed to get help, I couldn't think selfishly this time because a person's life was on the line.
I run outside the room and thank goodness there were nurses nearby. I quickly ran over to them and tell them about the patient who needed their help and fast. They nod and quickly tend to what they needed to do to help the patient.
Just about a minute later, one of the nurses come back with my Mom and they head towards the room. She doesn't look at me as she is too busy running to save a person's life.
Sighing in relief, I headed back towards my moms office to get my belongings so I can leave the hospital. It was one hell of a day so I decided to just go home and relax.
Hours later I wake up yawning and realize I had fallen asleep on the couch with the TV still playing in the background. I get up to stretch and to turn off the TV as well as clean the snacks I ate while watching the show.
As I head up to my room I hear small sobs coming from my parent's room. Panicking, I peek through the small opening and see my mother crying softly on their bed. She was crying uncontrollably and that worried me so much, but what pained me the most was that she was trying so hard to keep it quiet so nobody can hear her sounding so vulnerable.
"Mom? Are you okay?" I asked her as I make my way inside their room. She looked up at me and quickly wipes her tears away while forcing a smile.
"Yes honey, don't worry about me alright?" she assured me as I sat down beside her. She softly caressed my cheeks and smiled so lovingly at me that it gave me such warmth and comfort.
"Mom, I'm your daughter so please tell me what's wrong. It hurts me to see you like this."
"Okay, I'll tell you, but please don't blame yourself for what I'm about to tell you, don't ever think you were the cause of this because I assure you, you're not."
"I promise."
"Jee, my love, that patient, the one you saw in that room today, was your sister." my heart sank at her words and my vision blurred with tears.
"M-mom, what do y-you mean?"
"I gave birth to her years before I gave birth to you and Namjoon, but she was a premature baby and already had many complications when she was still in my stomach. She was so small and fragile when she was born that even I wasn't able to hold her for the first time. She got better eventually and grew up like a normal child, but when she turned two that was when her health started to drop. She started having multiple eating disorders and her digestive system was just too weak for her to even eat normal baby food." she sucked took a deep breath to stop herself from breaking down while telling me the story but I was already crying uncontrollably while listening to her.
"She was put in the hospital when she was three and she remained there for such a long period of time that we practically almost lived in that place. She started developing many more illnesses and some even affected her mental state. Later on we decided to just have her treated at home because her being in the hospital wouldn't have helped her at all. Those treatments lasted for years on end and my heart hurt tremendously knowing that she couldn't play with other kids and grow up like how a normal child would. She was so fragile up to a point where even her own family was limited to touching her. I couldn't hold her much even if she needed me, even if I wanted to, I just couldn't. When she turned six I gave birth to Namjoon but she couldn't even see her own brother because the doctor feared it would have harmed either of them. I told her about her baby brother whenever I spent time with her and she looked so happy and excited to meet him. She was motivated to get better in order to see him and it was one of the happiest moments of my life."
"Does Namjoon still now know about her?" I asked as I steadied my breathing. She shook her head and looked down sadly. She looked back up at me and the look in her eyes made my heart shatter. The amount of pain, guilt and sadness it held completely broke me.
"We knew it would've been best if they didn't know each other until she was healed, but that day never came. Soon after Namjoon I gave birth to you and I did the exact same thing I did with Namjoon and told her stories about you. I showed her some pictures of you and she was so excited to have another sister. Because of our family's growing reputation we didn't want to add to her stress so she wasn't revealed to the public at all. She got better, but not to a point where she could interact with anyone other than her doctors and a few family members. She loved you so much dear, but her sickness slowly came back because of..." she paused and I couldn't help but feel uneasy as my mom looked at me and held my hand.
"Of?"
"You."
"W-what? Why?"
"During one of her treatments at our family hospital, your dad brought you to the same place not knowing she would be there. Since everyone knew who you were, he allowed you to wander around the building while he took care of some things and we didn't know how, but you somehow ended up in the same area your sister was being treated in. You were only six at that time and she was already fifteen. While she was inside the room talking doing the process which required her to be completely calm but, we heard your voice calling for your dad and we were quite shocked to hear it. Although I only let her listen to recordings and watch your videos, she still remembered your voice which affected the process greatly."
"Oh my gosh," was all I could utter.
"We were all shocked and terrified of what might happen if she ever entered your room so we lost our focus and she started to panic so her state got even worse due to the amount of movement she had and because of the emotions running through her mind. Your dad eventually found you not long after we heard your voice, but inside that room it was a risky moment. Because of her treatment being interrupted, it made a big damage towards her health which was only starting to get better. From that day on she wouldn't be able to sleep properly, eat properly and focus properly on her health. We didn't know what else we could do so we tried our best to just do what we used to do."
"Did it work?"
"Barely. She was stable, but she wasn't getting any better." she let out a deep sigh and held my hand firmly. "What I'm about to tell you next broke me and I pray to god it doesn't hurt you. Don't ever blame yourself for this okay? I love you and she loves you too, remember that." I nodded my head and she looked up at me with teary eyes.
"Jee, today was the last day of her life." my world shattered before my eyes. The tears fell down my cheeks and onto our hands as I stared at my mom's eyes hoping to find something, anything that will tell me it wasn't true, but I couldn't.
"Mom, please tell me you're joking right now. Please tell me she's alive and I'm still able to meet her. Mom please!" I begged but she only shook her head and caressed my cheek.
"When she saw you in that room, something inside her got triggered which damaged her too much. There was no more hope for her by the time I entered her room and she was able to leave a message for you and your brother Namjoon before she took her final breath."
"W-what were t-they?"
"She said
'take them to the moon for me, because they're already the brightest stars I've ever seen. Tell them I was so lucky to have them as my siblings and I'm sorry for not being able to be by their side physically, but I will always with them and that I love them so much.'
she also told me to never blame you because her death would have came sooner than later and she will always be watching over you."
"No no no, mom please. Please just tell me you're joking because I can't live with myself knowing I was the reason someone died! I killed her mom! I killed my own sister!" I was screaming and crying uncontrollably at this point. She engulfed me into a big hug and I cried on her shoulders.
end of flashback
After hearing my story, Yunji rushed over to my side and hugged me. I didn't realize I had already been crying until I tried to open my eyes only to find my vision blurred by my tears. Although it happened four years ago, the pain still lingered and I would never be able to get over the fact that my sister died because of me.
"Jee it's okay, don't blame yourself, it wasn't your fault." Baekhyun rubbed my back as he assured me that it was alright but it wasn't.
"I-it is! I-I killed m-my own s-sister. I'm such a horrible person."
"Jee, listen to me. It isn't your fault and it will never be your fault. Even your sister told you to never blame yourself so don't ever blame yourself okay? Because she would be devastated to find out that you are blaming yourself for something you didn't do." Yunji reassured me. I broke away from the hug and stared into my best friend's eyes. I nodded, but I still blamed myself. No matter what anyone said I blamed myself for it.
"Let's get some rest. We will stay with you Jee until you're feeling better alright?" Baekhyun smiled gently and all I could do was nod my head.
Just as they said they would, they stayed with me until I felt better, but the nightmares still came and all I could do was cry silently in the dark because I didn't want them to know about the monsters that still haunted me.