Chapter Fourteen

Steve did what he always did when he needed serious advice. He immediately called Sam.

Well, first, he left Tony's workshop, avoided all the communal floors, gave a wide breath to both his and Bucky's room and Loki's, then went outside. He needed a spot where he could speak in private, but being outside helped clear his head too. He ended up on one of the small benches set up by the exterior wall by one of the landing pads. It was meant to be a designated smoking area, judging by the metal cylinder trash can with the tray at the top, although it was free of cigarette buds.

Unfortunately, Sam was with his family in Louisiana, so Steve couldn't just meet him in person, unless he was willing to take an inexplicable trip down south. However, considering all the thoughts swirling around in his head, he did what he rarely did, and tried to reach him with a video call, rather than just on the phone.

It rang long enough that Steve contemplated just hanging up and sending him a text instead, but just as he was about to tap the red button, Sam's name vanished and was replaced by his slightly sweaty smiling face.

'Hey, Steve, man, how's it going?'

'Hi Sam. Everything okay back home? How's Sarah and the kids?'

'Sarah's riding my ass about making the garage door creak after fixing it, when it wouldn't even open before.' There was so much fondness in his tone talking about his sister that Steve couldn't help but smile. 'AJ and Cass are good. I swear they grow several inches every time they sleep. I still can't believe Cass can walk already sometimes. But what's with you? Anything urgent you're calling me about?'

'No, well, things happened, in Asgard, and it's not looking good, but nothing we can do about it, so you don't have to travel back.'

'Thor back?'

'No, we'll just have to wait.'

'Shit, man, how bad?'

'Tony's preparing for refugees.'

Sam's face sobered as he wiped his forehead with a towel. 'Sometimes fights like that find their way to Earth.'

'If it does, I'll call.'

'Well, thanks for the heads up, anyway.'

Steve was tempted to just let it go, ask Sam about his family boat or his nephews, let the conversation flow somewhere else. His palm was sweaty around his phone. He relaxed his fingers, wary of breaking it.

'You look like you have something else on your mind.'

Sam knew him too well.

'It's... a small thing, considering... everything. If you have time. Uh, it's Loki.'

'Still pint-sized?'

'Yes, that looks to be permanent… looks very sure, at least, for now.'

'Okay?'

That one word lingered like a question. In that tone Sam used so well, a gentle probing for further information without being pushy about it. He must've picked up Steve's mood even through the screen, just by looking at his face.

'And uh, Tony said it was time to think long-term, like school and other kids and that Bucky... that the kid might just stay with Bucky. I didn't think about that, until now, what that means. I know how Bucky acts like with him, I'm not completely blind, but I just did not think about it.'

'You thought it would be temporary.'

'Kinda? Is that dumb? I think I'm actually a bit freaked out right now.'

'You look like it.'

'I shouldn't be.'

'Steve, I don't think there's ever been an adult in the history of mankind who did not freak out when they unexpectedly found themselves with a kid in their lives.'

'I have no idea how to deal with a kid long-term, Sam. Tony said school, and that he can't stay on the compound, which I get, but that means he needs to live somewhere else, and that place would be with Bucky, so with me, and my apartment is not even big enough for that.'

Sam put up a hand. 'Hey, slow down. What did Bucky say then about all this?'

'Well...'

Sam gave him a look. His ability to read Steve's face rivalled Natasha. 'You did not talk to him yet?'

'I had to think about it first. And Loki's with him. Lately, Loki's always with him, since we got the news about Asgard.'

'Kids tend to stick to adults they trust when they're scared or worried,' Sam pointed out. 'I doubt it would be impossible to get him alone though.'

'No, I just... I really needed to think about this first.'

'So, what are you thinking?'

'I don't know yet, I called you first.'

Sam's laugh was fond, rather than mocking, although Steve felt he would've deserved the latter too.

'The answer has to come from you here, Steve. I don't have a straight easy solution for you. You know my thoughts on Bucky's situation.'

'Yeah, therapy.'

'And have you suggested it to him?'

'He's been doing fine.'

Sam's sigh was a bit more disappointed this time, but he was not impatient. 'Whatever magical mumbo-jumbo helped him get rid of all that programming Hydra put in there is not some kind of instant solution to trauma, which he has… and a lot of it. I would tell him myself, but not sure I'm someone who's opinion he cares for.'

'He just doesn't know you yet.'

'In any case, it's a conversation you need to have. Especially, if he says he really does want the boy to stay with him, which you don't know, since you have not spoken to him.'

'Okay yeah, I get it, Sam.'

'You get it, you say, big man, but you have a real bad habit of just brushing stuff aside, you know? Are you really that scared of rocking the boat a little?'

Steve rubbed at his face, taking a deep breath. 'There was always something going on, I feel like I barely just got him back. I was enjoying the peace, I guess, didn't really think about the future.'

'Well, you can think about it now. And that's a good thing. But you won't figure it out on your own and despite all my wonderful talents, I'm not going to have an answer for you either.'

God, but Steve appreciated Sam' ability to cut right through to the core of Steve's jumbled thoughts.

'I feel like I am out of my depth here.'

'You are, but I doubt that will stop you.'

Steve laughed, feeling a bit lighter already. 'Thanks, Sam, really.'

'Hey man, don't worry about it. You get to freak out every once in a while. I honestly expected you to call me with some Bucky-related emergency much sooner, if I'm honest.'

'He's been doing better, I swear. I keep remembering the way he used to be like, with his sisters, the way he is with Loki. Like, he just knows what to do or what to say, and how to say it. I'm so awkward with kids, especially this one.'

Sam did laugh at him this time. There was a knowing tilt to it. Sam was not a dad, but his sister was a window and he liked to spend as much time with his nephews as his work allowed.

'What you need is practice. Find out if there's anything the kid likes about you, then double down on it. Should be a good enough place to start.'

'Okay, thanks Uncle Sam, I'll do my best.'

'All right, get your ass back inside and talk to your boyfriend, I ain't going to hold your hand for it.'

They shared another laugh, but he could already hear Sarah calling Sam's name, so Steve quickly said goodbye.

He remained standing next to the small bench for a long moment, then Sam's voice echoed in his ear again, and it got him moving. He just had to ask Bucky what he wanted. Easy enough, there was no reason for his stomach to feel tight or for him palms to be sweaty. It was only a chat about how they wanted to live the rest of their lives. There was no way his palms would stop sweating.

x-x-x

He didn't expect to find Bucky alone, but he did. By the time Steve made it to the back end of the gym, he was actually worried. Usually, Bucky put on some music if he just wanted to work out. Sometimes he gave modern stuff a go, other times he listened to something from their past. There was only silence now and the off-beat, but very distinctive sound of Bucky working on a punchbag, one flesh fist, one metal, it was unmistakable.

Steve made a bit of a circle, so that Bucky could see him approaching. He wordlessly stood behind the bag and braced it for him. Bucky didn't look too disturbed, but he was thinking about something.

'So, where's Loki?' Steve asked.

'Sigyn,' Bucky grunted out between two punches.

'He's taken to her then.'

Bucky stopped and stepped back from the bag, taking a couple of deeper breaths. 'Sort of. He remembers feelings more than he remembers things,' he said. 'He's not wary of her, or uncomfortable, so he's curious.'

'That's good,' Steve said for a lack of anything better to say.

'HELEN said you wanted to talk to me anyway.'

Steve felt a quick flash of panic, then realised HELEN likely did not mean the big talk.

'Yes, uh, Burch. He's been convicted. And you're not on the police's radar, but you have been named as an "unknown vigilante" who provided evidence.'

'Hm, I guess Loki would want to see Gigi again then, now that it's safe.'

Bucky unwrapped his flesh hand and went for his water bottle. Despite the looming conversation, Steve couldn't help getting distracted by the line of his throat as he swallowed. Maybe he should have waited until Bucky was done in the gym. As soon as Bucky lowered the bottle he gave Steve a look, his eyebrow slightly raised, his lips curling. Steve felt his muscles relax as some of the tension left his body immediately. He suddenly felt stupid for being worried, it was just Bucky, his Bucky. Everything would be fine.

'Steve?' Bucky questioned. Steve closed the gap between them and reached up to swipe some of the sweaty hair out of Bucky's face.

'You okay?' Steve asked.

'Just had a lot on my mind.'

'About?'

Bucky inhaled, in that slightly too sharp way. He braced himself before speaking, so he thought Steve might not like or would disagree with what he was about to say.

'I don't like staying here.'

'I know that.'

'But there is nowhere else to go, for now.'

'We could still get out of here every once in a while. When's the last time you left?'

'Not really the best time to go anywhere,' Bucky said. 'In case something happens.'

He stepped back to put the water bottle back down on the bench, but Steve followed him anyway, keeping close, putting a hand around his waist.

'If anything were to happen, we would know about it immediately, and we would come back.' It was Steve's turn to brace himself with a quick breath. 'Becca's birthday is in two weeks, we could still go and see them.'

'Steve-'

'You will regret it, if you don't go, you know you will, sooner or later.'

Bucky was silent and Steve gave him a moment to think, but stayed close. 'I don't think I can.'

'Sure you can.'

'I'm not the guy they remember, far from it.'

'You are absolutely not that far from the man you used to be,' Steve argued.

'I am, I'm not-'

'You are Bucky Barnes,' Steve interrupted. 'You are kind, and strong, and you care, so much, about others, more than you care about yourself.'

'Don't start with that.'

'With what? The truth?' Steve challenged with a cheeky smile. 'I told you this before. You are different, but you are also still you. And I know that's the truth, because I see it every time you smile. Every time I get to hold you like this. And I definitely see it when you let Loki cling to you like a spider-monkey, because I damn well remember your sisters using you as a jungle-gym all the time when we were younger.'

Bucky's gaze immediately went somewhere far. Steve knew Bucky was remembering those times, so he tightened his hold around his waist, to make sure he could feel that Steve was there with him, even while his mind wandered.

'And if they think I should have gone to them sooner?'

'They won't.'

'I'll sleep on it.'

'Buck-'

'Tomorrow, I'll tell you tomorrow,' he promised. Steve didn't push him more on it. He trailed his fingers back and forth on Bucky's lower back soothingly. He realised this would be the best opening he would get.

'Just to add to what you need to sleep on,' he said. 'Since you're considering telling your family that you're back, we need to talk about being back fully.'

'Meaning?'

'To be officially back among the living Buck, sooner or later someone will spot you, and it will be out that you're alive. Especially if…'

'If?'

'If we think about other things, you know, long-term.'

Bucky must've noticed right away that Steve was losing confidence in what he wanted to say, which only happened rarely. So, he did what he always did to put him at ease, made fun of him for it.

'You sound like you're asking me to go steady, Rogers,' he told him with a smirk. Steve plopped his head down on his shoulder with a groan and enjoyed the way Bucky's shoulder shook slightly as he laughed at him.

'You are such a jerk,' Steve complained as Bucky pat him on the head. He gave him a kiss on the cheek when he lifted his head anyway. It was reinforcing bad behaviour, but he couldn't help but go soft at the sight of Bucky's eyes filled with laughter. He did step back after, wanting to be able to properly look at Bucky for this conversation.

'Tony brought up that Loki needs to be planned for long-term,' Steve said plainly. 'I didn't think about that before, but you probably did.'

'Probably.'

'With school and other normal kid stuff.'

Bucky nodded. 'Among other things.'

'So, you do want that? For him to stay with you?'

Bucky sighed and slightly shook his head. 'I don't know what Loki wants.'

'I asked what you want, Buck.'

'It's part of my answer, Steve. I didn't think about it at the beginning. But now, it would not be fair to ask him, not while Thor is gone.'

'And you think he would want to stay with Thor?'

'Not sure, but you know, maybe…' Bucky made a grimace, like he was caught in a lie. 'Actually no, not at all. I've just been stalling. I'm a former brainwashed HYDRA assassin, who would trust me with a kid?'

'I would. Tony would too, from the looks of it, if that counts for something.'

It was Bucky's turn to linger uncertainly in the silence between them. 'I didn't know how to ask you. After everything I've already asked of you.'

'You have never asked me for something I was not willing to give you,' Steve told him with certainty. Then thought on it, and continued. 'Look, I'll be straight with you-'

'I hope not.'

Steve laughed and lightly punched him in the arm. 'I am trying to talk to you here.'

'I'd just rather you didn't put on your serious face with the talk, it makes me feel like the world is ending.'

Steve grabbed hold of Bucky's hand and stepped back a little closer. He could not tolerate even a second of uncertainty.

'Bucky, I'm not about to make you choose, or draw a line in the sand,' he said. 'I am with you, for as long as you want me.'

'Always.'

'I'm just… seeing you with him made me realise I'm not sure how to do normal anymore. How to live without a fight.' He's heard it before, it had been thrown at him both as a snide remark by politicians and accusation by enemies.

'I know you want to,' he continued. 'I can see it so clearly now. You without that weight and worry on your shoulders. It would make you happy. That kind of life.'

'Sounds awfully bleak to me if you're not in it.'

'I might just suck at it, Buck, really badly.'

Bucky reached up to run his fingers through his hair, his fingers digging into his scalp soothingly, it made Steve want to melt into his arms.

'I don't think you will.'

'Almost as soon as Tony mentioned sending Loki to school, I ran out of his lab to panic call Sam in Louisiana.'

He expected Bucky to laugh, he half-hoped he would, but the smile he got was understanding.

'He said "parent" and my brain couldn't handle it. Are you not freaked out?'

Bucky's calm did not waver at all. 'You know, a few weeks back, after he had a nightmare, he didn't want to sleep. It wasn't the first time. He wanted to watch TV on the couch. I made him a drink and knew he would pass out anyway. And he did, draped half over me. He kneed me in my kidney and almost smacked me in the face a few times when he started moving around. He looked ridiculous once he settled down, belly up, limbs every which way, like a starfish.'

Bucky looked up at the ceiling for a second, there was a hint of a smile, a moment of disbelief.

'Whenever I had checked on him before, after he fell asleep alone, he was in a tight little ball, curled up, kind of like cats do. So, that night I thought to myself; why does he always have to be spreadeagled only on top of me on the couch, when I have no space, shoving me into the corner with not a care in the world, the little bastard.'

'He feels safe with you,' Steve said.

'Yeah, and I thought, tiny knee in the kidney a couple of times, not too bad a price to pay, right?'

There was that look again on Bucky's face, that happy content look Steve adored yet only rarely saw in the past, but was more and more frequent nowadays. He wanted to see it even more. He wondered if he had ever worn that expression himself, but doubted it.

'I don't think Loki even likes me,' he said.

'He's okay with you. You just still act like he's some weird creature and you want to either back away from him or poke him with a stick.'

'I don't.'

'You do, it's hilarious.'

'He is a strange kid though.'

'Considering your miniscule experience with children, your assessment is worth shit. Plus every kid is weird in their own way. Loki's just got some extra flavour of bizarre in there.'

Steve took a deep breath and then added; 'And if there is a fight, and I'm needed, I don't think I could live with not picking up the shield.'

Bucky gripped the back of his head and pulled, just enough to close the gap and kiss him, draw him into his lips. Steve allowed himself to be moved, to be held, kept in place by Bucky's hands on his head and neck.

When they parted Bucky looked at him seriously, but with a happy sparkle in his eyes. 'What did I tell you about that stupid punk who was always too dumb to run away from a fight? Don't try to act like the things I love about you are suddenly a problem, cause they're not.'

Steve kissed him for that, his chest aching with warmth when he felt the curl of Bucky's smiling lips. Nothing made him feel lighter than that smile. They stayed there after, with their foreheads pressed together, speaking quietly.

'I love you,' Steve told him. 'But this bit of normal might end up being a very weird kind of normal.'

'That was never in question, jeez, we're both over a hundred and the kid's got magical powers. Weird is the baseline.'

'I'll try though, okay? I promise,' Steve said to him. Part of his mind was still in turmoil, full of doubt and questions. What he was certain of was Bucky, that was enough for now.

'I'll try too… we can start with making me officially alive again, I guess, but it might get messy.'

'I'm sure Tony's got PR all ready to go by now.'

Bucky pulled back to gather his things, picking up his hoodie from the floor and throwing it over his shoulder, getting ready to go. Steve followed him.

'Loki does like your drawings, so you might want to start there,' he said offhandedly.

'My drawings? Really? I thought the Captain America thing would be "cooler", he did call me that, before he remembered anything.'

Bucky shook his head. 'No, sorry, Cap is not cool, only Iron Man is cool.'

Steve just knew that Tony must've loved that one. 'Really? But why?'

'Tony makes his Iron Man armour, you did not make your shield. I don't think he cares much about other heroic qualities. You can draw, that's stuff you practiced, much more impressive.'

Steve shook his head, wrapping his head around that logic. It made sense, in a way, Loki did like Tony's workshop and inventions, and was never impressed with any of Thor's heroic tales either. It was a start either way and Sam did tell him to double down. He never really took the time to work on anything, not since… damn, the war. He had not really thought about it.

'I'll get a new sketchbook maybe, I only got a small one. They sell so many special pencils for art nowadays, you know, coloured ones you can blend with more easily and the like. And sketchbooks with different coloured paper and various textures.'

Bucky pressed the button for the elevator and turned back around, giving Steve a long look.

'What?' Steve asked.

'I should have given you an excuse to raid an art shop ages ago.'

'I was busy with other things.'

'Too bad, now you have to do artistic sketches of me. Full of love and longing and secret fixations. Like the ones in those European romantic movies Pietro thinks no one knows he watches.'

'Two dozen sketches of your elbows, got it.'

Bucky laughed, Steve loved the sound of it.

To be continued…