Chapter Fifteen

Loki woke up shivering, but he wasn't cold. He was never really cold. He used to be a frost giant, or so he's been told. Although he had no idea if he still was. He didn't really know what he was. His muscles trembled. His skin was clammy and sweaty. He curled up tighter under the comforter, pulling his knees up to his chest, squeezing his eyes shut tighter. Willing himself to breathe slower and fall asleep again. It didn't work.

He turned around, wrapped an arm around his head. There was no light to bother him, but he wanted it to be darker still. His breathing would not calm. He had a dream… a bad one, of cold stars and an endless empty dark. He wanted to sleep again, but also not. He kept breathing and breathing, but the shivering would not stop.

'Loki?' came HELEN's voice, quiet, questioning.

'Please don't wake him,' Loki whispered back at her.

Jamed had not slept much at all in like a whole week. He was going to see his sisters in a few days, Steve talked him into it. He was worried, Loki could tell. He kept staring into the distance, his eyes far away, remembering things. He's been too quiet, too still. He did not sleep. If he was sleeping maybe now, Loki wanted him to just keep sleeping, not be woken up again because of some bad dream.

'Your vital signs show distress,' HELEN argued.

'I'm fine, please don't wake him,' Loki repeated. His shivering would not stop, so Loki moved, crawled down from the bed and pulled the comforter with him down to the floor. Before Gigi made him sleep on her couch, Loki used to stay in small spaces outside. Tucked away in alleys and dead ends, hidden from view, from the prying eyes of others that slept in dark. He always found the best places to hide, where nobody could see him. Where it was dry and quiet. He was never cold.

He crawled into the spot on the floor between the bed and the nightstand. It was just wide enough to fit him, if he was curled up in a ball. He still shivered for a while, but he knew HELEN was watching, so he kept breathing evenly, willing his heart to slow.

There was that voice again, in his dream. He whispered at him, from far away. "Be careful, child, be careful…"

Something made a noise in the room. Like the flutter of a piece of paper falling to the floor. Then a click, then another, a scratch on a wooden surface, right at the end of his too large bed. Another flutter, louder, the beat of wings, a long shadow across the ceiling.

He forgot about his breathing. He went still, like he had to when a pair of stray dogs found him one night between a pile of carton crates and an electrical box, eyeing him with glinting dark eyes, like was maybe food, or maybe a threat. Teeth bared just a sliver, visible in the distant streetlight. He did not move, did not make a sound. He pulled himself back, made himself small, until he was in the shadows, until he could barely feel his own hands and feet and skin, until his heartbeat was a distant echo and the dogs wandered away like he was not there at all.

His door opened and the lights turned on. It should have made him flinch, but it didn't, he was still, he was quiet.

He realised someone was there, vaguely, but he only noticed the sound of his own quick stuttering breaths when two arms – one flesh, one metal – scooped him up from the floor, comforter and all, and pulled him into a warm chest. He sucked in a deeper breath, his wet eyes popping open. He was still shivering.

James didn't say anything, just held him and let him feel the rise and fall of his chest until Loki's breathing slowed down enough to match it a little. The shivering took even longer to subdue.

'I told her not to wake you,' Loki said in the end. James got it, he always did, because he huffed, bringing his hand up to stroke Loki's hair a few times.

'Let me worry about me, ok buddy?'

Loki wanted to tell him he was being stupid. That this was all stupid and James should sleep and not be awake again because of a stupid dream that was not even that scary.

'Hey, hey,' James spoke, softly. His arms tightening again, he swayed a little, back and forth, where he was sitting on the floor. Loki realised his eyes were wet again, which was also really stupid. He sniffed and angrily rubbed them with the corner of the comforter.

After a few moments, James spoke again. 'Well, ok, I'll just sleep here, how about that? Deal?'

He didn't wait for a reply. He stood up with Loki still in his arms and put him back down on the bed. Then he laid down too. He didn't look like he planned to sleep at all. So, Loki scooted closer, still wrapped up in the comforter. It took a bit of wiggling until he was pressed up to James' side.

'I'm fine,' he told him, as sincerely as he could.

'Sure. So am I,' James replied. Loki poked him in the side for lying. James laughed a little and moved his arm to wrap it back around Loki's narrow shoulders. 'Try to rest, all right? No TV tonight.'

'You too.'

'Okay, I'll try too.'

Loki remembered the sun coming up before he finally fell asleep.

x-x-x

Despite what Tony always said, Loki didn't always mean to eavesdrop. People just didn't always notice that he was nearby. Loki learnt that HELEN was not really programmed to butt into any personal conversations. Say, if everyone was talking about Avengers stuff, and bad guys, and criminals doing bad things, and Loki got too close, she would tell everyone that he was there. But if Tony and Pepper were just talking about "communication" and their "future" and all that, Loki could easily stand around behind the corner and HELEN would not tell Tony that he was there. Not that Loki stuck around for those kind of talks, cause Tony and Pepper were kind of boring about it. Like all the couples on TV, just talking about feelings. It wasn't very interesting.

James didn't like him eavesdropping either, but he was also never really mad about it, so Loki knew it wasn't the worst thing to do.

'I'm just not sure, Steve. I wasn't to begin with,' James was saying. He was making coffee, which he didn't even like all that much. So Loki figured he had to be very tired.

'It's one night, Buck, not even two full days away,' Steve said in return, leaning on the counter next to him. Their heads close, talking quietly. 'He should be able to handle being away from you for a night.'

'It's not about him being able to handle it. I know he would, I just…'

'You're worried.'

'His dreams have been getting worse. I'm getting paranoid. Magic with him is unpredictable, even Strange thinks so, more than Wanda's in some cases. He keeps seeing and hearing things and-'

'And he's also a kid, so it might just be normal, getting a little scared sometimes.'

'Could be, yeah,' James agreed.

Loki knew that sometimes James talked about him when he was not there. Loki didn't catch it often. James was too good at noticing if he was being watched or followed. He never did say anything bad about Loki to the others, he just always sounded quiet… worried. A bit like Malcolm used to sound whenever he tried to convince Gigi to let those social workers take Loki somewhere. Gigi always said he was sticking his nose where it did not belong and that he had no idea what it was really like to live in a place like that. Loki believed her. Now James' voice sounded a lot like Malcolm's had, so Loki was no longer so sure that Gigi was right about everything.

'It's not like he would be alone,' Steve said. 'Tony's here, Wanda's here, even Sigyn. He gets along with her.'

Loki liked Sigyn, she was very strong and seemed to like Loki too.

'Honestly, I think you two are stressing each other out.'

Steve sounded worried too. He did not get quiet when he was worried, just all forwny. James made a hum, not really agreeing or disagreeing.

'He's been worried about Thor, you've been worried about seeing your family. Then you worry about him, he worries about you, and neither of you are getting any sleep. You need to clear your head. Maybe being away from here will be good. I think it might be. I'm trying to help, you know.'

'I know you are,' James agreed.

He didn't sound very sure. Loki decided that he was being dumb, and also decided to tell him just that, even if he knew James would not like that he listened in.

'You should really go,' he spoke up, popping his head in first.

They did not startle, but they both turned sharply in his direction. James groaned in annoyance. 'What did I tell you about sneaking around?'

'You're super soldiers, you should have heard me.'

'You should know by now not to listen when you shouldn't,' James said. Loki knew the expression on his face. He was not happy and would not be easily swayed. Loki wanted to huff and tell him that since he was talking about Loki, it was only fair that he got to hear it too, but he swallowed the words back down last second.

'Your sisters,' he said instead. 'Go see them. It's really dumb if you don't.'

'Oh, dumb, am I?' James asked, taking a sip from his mug.

'Yeah, cause you want to, so it is dumb not to.'

Steve turned and gave James a look. 'In this instance I have to agree. It is a bit dumb not to go, if you actually want to.'

James sighed, shook his head. 'Yes, fine, I'm going. Happy?'

'Sure am,' smiled Steve.

'Yep, good job,' agreed Loki and turned to leave.

'You are so not off the hook about eavesdropping,' James told him just before he could leave.

'Come on! I helped,' Loki offered, but James face said he was not winning this argument. Loki gave a long sigh and ambled back into the kitchen reluctantly. Steve laughed at him, which was very ungrateful of him.

x-x-x

Sigyn knew Asgardian magic, not much, but some. It felt nice and warm and made Loki's chest hurt, and he didn't understand why. He would ask Sigyn to show him, and he would be excited and eager to see it, to feel it flow around his fingers, but then it would stop feeling nice. His head would hurt, his fingers would go numb. Sigyn noticed every time, when Loki pulled away, confused and sad.

Loki didn't understand. Magic was the best thing, even cooler than some of Tony's things, and Loki was good at it, he didn't want it to hurt or make him sad.

'Your Mother was a true master,' Sigyn said. 'Perhaps, it reminds you of her.'

'No, I don't remember her.'

'Not in your mind, but perhaps you carry her still in your heart. She loved you dearly and I know you loved her too. That's not something that can vanish, no matter how much you might have changed. Maybe you still have her mark on your soul.'

It hurt worse, when she said that. Loki stood up and left, ran, back to his room. He did not remember her. He tried very hard for a few hours, but there was nothing. He knew she was blonde, like Thor. He wondered what her voice sounded like, but it would not come to him.

He dreamed of the bird again that night, with its ragged voice, but managed to stay calm. HELEN didn't wake James and Loki was glad. He was. It was stupid of him to be scared of dreams, so he told himself he would not be anymore.

x-x-x

Steve gave Loki one of his older notepads after he got himself some of those special notebooks with the nice paper that are for artists, a sketchbook he said. Loki couldn't draw prettily like Steve, so he scribbled things instead. Runes he saw in Wanda's books, blueprint pieces from some of the things Tony let him take apart, circuit boards and wiring. He jotted down numbers and shapes when he needed them to solve one of the puzzles HELEN gave him.

He did draw too, a bit, but he wasn't showing those to anyone. They did not look very nice.

'What bird is that?' Wanda asked.

Loki slammed the book shut and glared up at her from the floor.

'You're not supposed to look if I'm not showing you!' he told her.

'Okay, I'm sorry, I didn't know.' She did sound sorry, and Loki realised he never did tell her she was not allowed to look.

'Magpie, but I'm not showing,' Loki told her.

'Oh, magpie. Do you like them?'

Loki shrugged. 'They're okay. They hide rainbows on their wings.'

'They really do,' Wanda agreed.

Loki noticed she was holding her jacket. She also had boots on.

'Are you going somewhere?' he asked, sitting up on the carpet. He was in the main living room, the TV was quiet in the background. Loki didn't even check what was on it.

'I was thinking we could go and spend the day over at the Sanctum,' she said.

'I thought we would only go next week.' They always went to Greenwich Village on the same day every month, it was something Loki looked forward to.

'We can go next week too.'

Loki was not dumb, he knew what she was trying to do.

'You don't have to take me just because James is not here. He's going to be back tomorrow, I'm fine.'

Wanda sat down next to him. Her smile was small, secretive.

'Let me tell you a secret story,' she said. 'It is a very big secret though, so just you and me, all right?'

Loki nodded.

'Back in Sokovia, when Pietro and I were young, just a little bit older than you actually. We used to be together, always, before school, at school, and after school. Sometimes we would even sleep in the same bed. It felt… better, to be close after our… after our parents died.'

'One day, he was picked to go play football with the other boys at school, and I got really scared. He was supposed to leave for like a day, not even that long. And I… well, I cried a lot, like… a lot. And then he couldn't go, because could not stop crying either.'

She took a large breath and reached out to wrap an arm around his shoulder.

'It was always scary, not seeing him. I would wake up at nights and had to go to him, just to hold his hand, and make sure he was still there. Him being gone, even for a little bit, was very scary. Because what if something happened to him and he never came back? He was all that I had.'

'Are you still scared?' Loki asked. 'When he's not there?'

'Sometimes. Not as much as I used to. Plus I know that even if something were to happen he would do everything he can to come back, and he knows I would do the same. And we both know that each other is not the only thing we have anymore, there are others who care about us, and look out for us. Hm?'

Loki nodded again, but didn't really know what to say.

'So, would you like to come to the Sanctum with me?'

'You really don't have to take me.'

Wanda put her hands on her hips and have him a cheeky smile.

'Well maybe I'm actually quite pleased that I get to keep you for myself for a day without James or Tony hogging you all the time. Come on, we can see how long it takes Master Wong this time to put in his earphones to ignore us.'

Loki grinned up at her. That did sound like fun.

Wanda sent him to get changed, which Loki did in record speed. Master Wong really didn't care what he wore, because he was not officially a student with the sorcerers and besides, they did not have child size robes. Not that Loki wanted one.

Wanda led him to the main garage and Loki was surprised when she opened the driver's side door of one of the red cars. It was not one of the flashy sports cars Tony owned, just a normal car.

'You can drive?'

'Of course I can.'

'But usually someone else takes us.'

'Yes, but this is Wanda and Loki's Magical Day, so we're going alone.'

She didn't let him sit on the front seat though.

'James lets me sit there,' Loki complained.

'Well, James Barnes should know better,' Wanda said. 'And I'm not him. Get in the back, mister.'

x-x-x

Wanda and Pietro has the same ring tone for each other. Loki heard it a few times, so he always knew that if it rang from Wanda's bag or coat, it was Pietro calling her, and if it sounded from Pietro's pocket, she was calling him. It was a little melody that sounded a lot like some of the cartoon theme songs on TV that Loki rolled his eyes at.

So when Loki heard the melody at the Sanctum, he knew Pietro was calling. Master Wong was gone, he didn't just stuff his earphones in his ears this time after a while, but called a door with his sling ring and went back to Kamar-Taj. Loki didn't mind, it was fun to have free reign with just Wanda around.

Wanda frowned as she pulled her phone out of her jacket, not expecting the call.

'Hey, what-' then she fell silent. Loki couldn't hear Pietro's words, but he knew that he cut her off, his voice was loud. Wanda went a little pale and stood up from her armchair, the book from her lap falling to the ground.

She started speaking in rapid Sokovian that Loki could not understand, getting interrupted here and there, her voice louder than normal. Loki closed his own book and put it up on the table and just watched her. She looked worried… maybe frightened.

Wanda kept nodding into the phone, then hung up abruptly. Red magic flickered around her and it only took a moment until her eyes were blazing red too.

'Wanda?'

She whipped around to look at him and hurried over, putting her hands on his shoulders.

'Loki, I need to go back to the compound, immediately.'

'What happened?'

'Vision- something happened with Vision. He collapsed. They don't know what… but, I need to go, okay? I can fly quicker than the car.'

Loki nodded.

'I need you to stay here, sweetie, all right? Can you do that for me? Master Wong or Stephen will be back soon, and I will tell the others that you're here and someone can come pick you up.'

Her magic kept sizzling, it felt a bit like Thor's thunder, too hot and bright.

'Okay.'

'Just… you know the rules, don't touch anything you don't know! And stay put. You won't be alone for long, I promise.'

'I'm ok, Wanda. Go already.'

'Okay, I'll see you soon.'

She did not linger. She rushed down the stairs, not even bothering with her coat, straight out the door. Loki stopped at the top of the stairs and watched as she burst into crimson magic, shooting into the air. The door shut with a loud thud right after.

The Sanctum got very quiet, it always was, but a bit more this time. Loki stood on top of the stairs for a moment, staring at the door, then he slowly made his way back to the table by the bookshelves. Wanda's book was still on the floor and her jacket fell down from the armchair too. Loki walked over to pick both up. He hoped Vision was okay, he was always nice to him, in his own very strange way.

There was a scratch on the table and Loki's head snapped up. He stumbled back, dropping Wanda's book and jacket again, landing on his bottom, staring up at the table. The bird was sitting on his own book, black talons curling around the edges, tiny black button eyes staring at him.

Loki shut his eyes tightly.

'It's not real,' he told himself out loud.

'Hm, might not be,' answered the bird.

Loki scrambled to his feet and took another few steps away from the table. The bird was still there, black and white, with shimmering greens and blues on the wings. Just like before, in Loki's dreams. His voice was ragged and scratched, too deep for such a small body.

'Who are you?' Loki asked.

'Who do you think?' The bird climbed off the book with a little step, talons clicking on the table top as he trotted closer to the edge, closer to Loki.

'You're not real.'

'I'm either real or you are going mad, child, which option would you prefer?'

There was magic in the air, but not just the low hum of power that always quivered the air around the Sanctum, it was sharper, shimmering, like tiny flickering fires. Loki recognised it like a taste in the back of his throat.

'Are you me?' Loki asked.

'No, child, you are me.'

'What does that mean?'

'You are a little piece of a whole. A remnant.'

Loki felt himself tense. 'No, I'm Loki, I was reborn.' Everyone said so. He might not have remembered, but he was still him, James' friend, Thor's brother.

'No, just a tiny little fragment dragged back into this world,' croaked the bird, the sound of a faint jagged laugh echoed underneath the words. Loki closed both his firsts. He could feel his magic stirring, reacting to the swirl of green flickering at the edges of his vision. It was a bird, but it was not. The greens on the feathers shimmered darker than the blues, the button black eyes glinted.

'What do you want?'

'Oh, I came to warn you… help you.'

The bird now perched at the edge of the table, he shook his wings, the feathers spitting flicks of green flames.

'A bigger piece might come crawling back from the dark soon, you see. I can… feel it.'

'Another Loki?' the boy asked.

'The Loki, child, the Loki. And when that happens, well, not much room left for you to exist.'

Loki stared at the bird, long and hard. 'I thought you were Loki. You said I was you.'

The bird shook his feathers again. 'I'm a fragment too, boy, like you are. And I won't have a place left here either, should he return.'

Loki felt his heart beating too loud in his chest, his skin clammy with warmth he did not really feel. He wanted James to be here.

'Sooo,' continued the bird. 'We don't have many options.'

'Options?'

'Or a lot of time.'

'For what?' Loki demanded.

'You and me, we could… do something. Make sure we can keep our place in this world, make sure the he does not return.'

Loki frowned, shaking his head.

'But-'

'You just need to do what I say,' said the bird.

Loki remained rooted on the spot. He could not feel his fingers or his toes. He was shivering, but he was not cold. He shook his head again.

'No, I was- he was good… Loki. He was James' friend.'

'What does that matter? Good or bad, he will replace you either way. All your friends, your pals, those Avengers, your James. You won't have them anymore.'

Loki took another step back, the green at the edges of his vision grew brighter, the bird shook its feather again, his talons were long, the beak larger than it should have been. There was green lurking in those beady eyes.

'No, he wouldn't and James wouldn't.'

'No? Not even to have his real friend back?'

Loki shook his head again, more vigorously.

'Listen to me,' cajoled the bird. 'We have everything we need, right here in this place. We can do it. Make this right. I know what we need to take and you just need to reach out… and take it. Then everything will stay as it is now. Isn't that what you want? Hm? All of it yours forever.'

The green light, it was above him, behind him, around him. It felt cold now, not the warmth of Loki's own magic, something different, something else.

'Just do what I say, boy, and all will be well.'

A shape, like a hand, flickered by his side and Loki ran. Away from the table towards the stairs. He heard a yell, a shout, not even his name, just a deep rumble of anger. He sprinted down the stairs and pushed the main door open with full force, running out to the street.

He could not get to James, he did not know where he was. The compound was too far. He could still feel licks of magic running down his skin. He turned North. He did not know this neighbourhood as well, but he knew it well enough. He knew it would be an hour on foot, up the 9th avenue. He had to keep going, all the way to the Empire State Building, then past it. He could get to Hell's Kitchen. Get to Gigi's or Malcolm, they could call someone, anyone. He ran.

Some people turned when he rushed by them, but nobody really paid him any mind. He ran until his lungs started burning, then kept going. He knew how to run, how to keep running, he was good at it. His magic kept burning in his chest. He knew the feeling and what it meant. So, he knew he had to keep tight hold of it. He had to be careful not to let go, not to let it burst, spread, run away from him.

He did not know how long he's been walking and running when he spotted them. He had not noticed at first, because the traffic was so thick, because there were so many people around, but someone was following him. It was not the bird and the cold clammy green of his magic. Just people, a car, then two, black ones, that popped up again and again whenever Loki had to stop to cross a road. Nondescript, James would say, because they looked like so many others, but they the same cars, the same people. Some on foot, hurrying after.

Loki kept going. He knew staying on the busiest streets was the smartest thing to do. So he stuck to 9th avenue. He heard an alarmed shout, a little bit ahead of him on the sidewalk, It made him stop abruptly. Some people also stopped and gathered around. It was perhaps an accident, a lot of faces turned, attention drawn to the commotion. The distraction.

Someone grabbed him, a large muscular arm closing all the way around his chest and lifting him up in the air. Loki wanted to shout, but he was out of breath. They swiftly moved him of the way, off the busy sidewalk, out of sight. Loki kept fighting and kicking, but he was not able to get away. The man was speaking.

'Got him, on my way,' he said. There was another car parked all the way on the other side of the small street, back door open with another man waiting inside. The one holding Loki was running towards it.

Loki's breath stuttered in fear, and he released the tight grip he had on the trashing fire inside his chest, let the warmth light up into a blaze, let burning green erupt in his eyes, his mind, on his skin and deep in his veins. Loki screamed in fear, in anger, desperately trashing, fighting to get away and the man soon screamed with him. Then everything around them burst into green.

To be continued…