He drove easily, following Anna's directions as she looked out the window to watch the fields as they drove past. "It's funny."

"What?" His voice almost had Anna starting a moment when she realized she spoke aloud.

"Oh, sorry." Anan sat up in her seat. "It's… It's funny how I'm here and yet it feels different."

"I'm assuming you've not brought someone else to your 'secret garden' before then." John risked a look at her and then turned when Anna pointed toward a country road.

"It wouldn't do my family any good to drag a crowd with me every time I came to visit." Anna bit at her lip. "Hence the conditions of bringing you here."

"I don't mind." John shook his head, "A bit of privacy is critical. Keeps you humble, as my mother always thought."

"I'm glad you agree." Anna shook her head, "It was easier to convince you to agree to those than the teeth-pulling exercise to fight for this holiday."

"And that was nothing to the brick-shitting they all did when you forced the concessions on their side." John laughed, "I'll never forget the looks on their faces… It was almost a perfect picture."

"It would've been better if they hadn't been the world's biggest assholes in the first place." Anna pointed. "Down there."

John steered the car down the path and parked at the edge of a sizable house. He leaned forward to see out the windshield and whistled. "Nice place."

"Welcome to Birchwood Manor." Anna unbuckled her seatbelt. "It's been in my mother's family for… At least four generations."

"It's got a Howard's End-esque feel to it."

"I do love it about as much." Anna nodded toward the house, "Come on, we'd best get settled in."

As they exited the car Anna ducked down to catch the boy that practically flew into her arms. "Auntie Anna!"

"Hello Freddie." Anna smothered him in kisses until he escaped her clutches. "Where's your Mum?"

"Slower than him." A dark-haired woman came toward them, holding a blonde baby in her arms. "It's good to see you Anna."

"And you Jane." Anna and Jane kissed each other's cheeks before Anna bent to kiss the baby in her arms. "How is Aiden?"

"He's been an absolute angel." Jane released Aiden into Anna's hold and extended a hand to John. "Jane Moorsum, Anna's cousin."

"And the current tenet of the house." Anna reached out a hand to muss Freddie's auburn hair. "And this little goblin is my nephew Freddie."

"Lovely to meet you Jane. But, I must say…" John released Jane's hand and then crouched down to Freddie's level and stuck out a hand. "I've never met a goblin before so I'm not sure if this is the right way to greet one."

"I've never met a giant." Freddie admitted as he shook John's hand. "But I can shake your hand anyway."

"Glad to meet you Freddie. And you can call me John." He released Freddie's hand and stood to address Jane. "Where do I take the bags?"

"We've set you up on the second floor." Jane huffed, "Not that I thought Anna was serious when she said she was bringing someone here so she needed a recording studio in the old barn."

Anna cringed, "I hope the workers didn't disturb you too much."

"We managed." Jane called out to Freddie, who dashed madly across the lawn. "Freddie! Come help Aunt Anna with her bags and go open the doors to the rooms they'll be using."

Freddie moved over to John, taking a rucksack and then draping his body over the large rolling suitcase to push it with the tips of his toes as if he wanted to steer a luge down the path. Anna laughed at the sight, noting Jane's hand on Freddie's back to help the boy steer, and adjusted her hold on Aiden as the boy in her arms gave a soft cry.

"Someone's woken up." John said over her shoulder and nodded down at the baby in Anna's arms as he. "He's adorable."

"I think so." Anna bit at her lip and swallowed. "He's the reason why this place needs to stay private."

"Because Jane's just had a baby?"

"No, not because he's a baby."

John frowned, "And not because of Jane and Freddie?"

"I want them to have this place to themselves, sure, but Jane and Freddie are here because I needed someone to…" Anna paused on the path, side stepping to stop John moving toward the house. "John, Aiden is my son. Well, technically he's also Alex Green's son but… But I don't want the world to know I've got a son."

"Because of what they'd do with that information?"

"The media reaction is part of why it needs to be private, yes. But, more than that, I don't want…" Anna swallowed, "I don't want anyone else to know."

"Just everyone or is there someone specific?" Anna did not meet his eyes. "Because if you're worried about Henry then-"

"I'm not worried about what Henry would say. But if others…"

"Green doesn't know, does he?" Anna shook her head and John closed his eyes for a second as the realization dawned. "You weren't just here to take care of your dying parents last year, were you?"

Anna shook her head again, "No, I wasn't. I came here for to do that and they did need care but..." She shifted Aiden in her arms. "I only knew I was pregnant with Aiden when I was here and my parents did get to see him before they passed."

"That must've been a small mercy for them."

"It was. For all of us." Anna kissed Aiden's head. "Only Mary knew about it and she's the one who kept everything quiet."

"But Jane-" John gestured toward the house.

"Jane's my cousin. We were both raised in this house so we're practically sisters." Anna took a breath, "Legally, Jane is Aiden's mother. We thought it safer."

"To keep him safe from Green?"

Anna nodded. "Jane's his legal guardian, to keep him safe, and she's been raising him here until I got back on my feet."

"Why not just stay here?"

"Because I couldn't just vanish forever." Anna scoffed, "If I'd done that then there'd only be more questions about what happened between Alex and I. It would bring him here and then…"

"And put Aiden in danger."

Anna shuffled in place, "It's why I'm here every weekend."

"And your cousin's fine with the deception?"

"She wasn't thrilled with Alex as a person and she understands, perhaps more than most, what it means to be afraid for your child." Anna lowered her voice, "You're not to repeat any of this but Jane… Her husband, Freddie's father, died and she had some money troubles."

"Okay." John frowned in confusion, "We've all had them."

"But Jane was…" Anna fought for words, "She's one of the kindest, most generous people. She always assumes the best. So when her landlord seemed to be there to help her… She took him at his word."

John's face steeled. "What happened?"

"He manipulated her and put Freddie in danger." Anna nodded back toward the house. "I owned the house, even when my parents lived here, because I bought it from our grandmother so when Jane came to me, with the clothes on her back, I offered to let them live here. Especially when my parents were sick and I had Aiden so I… I needed more help and…"

Anna swallowed, breathing as she tried to blink back the possibility of tears, "I needed the help and, as it turned out, we needed each other. So it… It just seemed right to have Jane here when we both needed someone."

"And so Jane's raising your son as her own until you can… what? What is the endgame to this arrangement?"

"I legally adopt Aiden." Anna shrugged at John's confusion. "It's part of the reason I was so adamant about the philanthropy part of my new persona."

"You need a cover for why you're going to adopt an 'orphan' child and be a single mother." John pursed his lips and then flexed his jaw. "Hence your conditions for the utmost secrecy while we're here."

"Yes."

John quieted a moment before nodding. "Okay."

"Okay?"

"Okay." John repeated and then gave a little laugh. "What other answer could I give to all of that?"

"I don't know but I wasn't expecting you to be fine with it."

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"I… I don't know."

John's face crinkled in confusion for a second. "What, did you think I'd be mad or upset about this?"

"I don't know what I thought." Anna shrugged, "It's… It's not the kind of thing you usually talk about with people and it doesn't quite fit the persona I've presented to the public. Or to you. I feel… I felt, a tad dishonest."

"Be that as it may, at the end of the day it's none of my business but I'm…" John swallowed, "I'm honored that you're trusting me with this. With any of this."

"It's nice to trust someone else with it." Anna managed a little grin. "And I think Freddie's going to be happy to have someone who might have the skills to play footy in the garden with him."

"Maybe."

Anna caught the twitch in John's jaw as he shifted in place. "Did I say something wrong about Freddie?"

"No."

"About football then?"

"No," John shook his head. "It's… It's just…"

"Just?"

"Just that the joke's on him because I've got two left feet." John arranged the bags in his hands again. "Although we should probably get inside before my arms fall off and I drop these."

"Yeah." Anna took the lead, "This way."

She led him through the entryway of the house, dark wood contrasting with the multiplicity of windows to let in natural light. They passed the sitting room, with a fireplace large enough for Freddie to lie down in, and the dining room that opened into the kitchen. The stairs, just off the sitting room, led to a second room with a tighter hallway and the sight of a stepladder lowered from the attic.

"Freddie's room's up there." Jane met them in the hall, pointing upward. "He thinks it's a castle."

"The imaginations of the young." John shrugged, "Always something to cultivate if possible."

"Indeed." Jane pushed one of the open doors to force the swinging door back against the wall. "This one will be yours John. I hope the bed's long enough for you."

"Me too." John worked into the room sideways, managing his bags as he did so. "I do tend to overgrow the edges of a great many beds."

"That's because he's a giant." Freddie's voice called down from where he sat on the ladder to the attic. "Giants sleep in treetops or crush forests."

"Not this giant." John shook his head as he divested himself of his bags and picked up the two of Anna's mingled with his. "And where do these go?"

"Here." Anna led John in the room right next door.

It was one of the old master bedrooms, with its own bathroom and a larger closet. But the closet held no clothes. Only a baby's cot and an assortment of baby paraphernalia.

"You can just put them by the wardrobe." Anna nodded toward it as she shifted Aiden into his cot and loosened the blanket so he could kick and squirm. "I'll sort out the bags later."

"Nice room." She glanced over her shoulder at where John inspected the view from her windows. "It's about a third larger than mine."

"You're in my old room, if that's not weird." Anna kissed Aiden's head again before turning to face John. Her arms crossed over her chest and she rubbed idly at them as she paced the room. "This was my parents' room. Jane took my grandmother's and we knocked a few walls over to make it bigger."

"This house has two master bedrooms?"

"It does now." Anna shrugged, "I thought it fair."

"Since she's living in this house with two children?"

"Yeah." Anna waved a hand. "There's a nanny that comes for Aiden during the week so Jane can work."

"She works on top of all this?"

"She's got a remote position teaching English to Chinese children." Anna walked the length of the room again. "And there's a cleaning crew that does most of the upkeep because this place is too big for Jane and Freddie to manage all on their own and not spend every hour scrubbing."

"I could see that." John sat on the top of the wooden chest at the base of Anna's bed. "I…"

Anna stopped her pacing to look at John. "What?"

"I just can't see why you're hiding them all away here."

"You can't?"

John shook his head. "How can you stand being so far away from your own child? Not seeing him grow?"

"How could I stand having him in London, with a full-time job that requires people to follow me around with cameras, and not be forced to explain his existence? Or, worse yet, have to fight his father for custody?"

"I thought Green was in jail."

"For now. But in two months? In two years?" Anna shook her head, "It's safer for Aiden this way."

"And for you."

"Of course for me."

John sighed, "It… It feels like you're hiding."

"That's the whole-"

"Not just Aiden but yourself." John stood, "And it's none of my business as to why you're going to this charade. It's your life and you live it how you want. End of story. But if we're going to be roommates, for lack of a better term, and working together I feel…"

He took a breath, held it as if using the air to fight an impulse, and then released it in a rush. "I feel we could stand to be a little more honest."

Anna tugged at her fingers as she shifted her weight. Throwing a glance in Aiden's direction, Anna took a seat on the wooden chest and John joined her. "Aiden wasn't planned."

"I didn't see Green as the fatherly type."

"It's not just that. It's…" Anna took a steadying breath. "When Alex and I were together, he was very careful about birth control. He didn't want that kind of responsibility but more than that he didn't want me pregnant. Or…"

Anna grimaced. "He didn't want me getting fat."

"Bastard."

Anna nodded, "You noticed, when you opened for us that one time."

"I remember telling you."

"It…" Anna took another breath, "That was the worst of it. Or, I should say, that was my lowest point. I was tired all the time, I was starving myself, and Alex…"

"Was a bastard."

"He'd started…" Anna bit at her lip. "He'd started hitting me."

John stiffened next to her but Anna continued. "Before that it'd been psychological. Comments about my weight, taking food away from me, or forcing me into extreme workouts that added onto the dance routines I already had. I was a waif and while people noticed no one said anything. Well…" Anna snorted a laugh, "Mary noticed and said a great many things but they didn't listen to her then."

"Someone not listening to Mary Crawley." John made a show of looking around, "And the world is still turning?"

"She didn't have the contractual control she has now and Greener Records didn't give two shits about Mary. They only gave a shit about me because I made them money. And, unfortunately for me, they'd started to give less of a shit about Alex around that time."

"Why?"

"Alex managed two other bands. They were… disasters. One of them proved to be Neo-Nazis and that didn't fly well and the others were drug addicts. They missed gigs, got themselves arrested, and when Alex's career started to tank the studio was ready to cut him free."

"Good for them."

"For them, yes. But for me…" Anna shook her head. "No one should make decisions based on the possible poor consequences of someone else but the failures piled up and Alex took to drinking. That in turn led to outbursts of violence and, eventually, he turned on me."

"Because you were successful?"

"That was just justification for doing what he would've done to anyone who was there. And, as his current position in prison proves, to anyone else too." Anna shuddered, "It makes my skin crawl thinking about other people he hurt before, during, and after me because he couldn't put on his big-boy pants and get therapy."

"Or act like an adult."

Anna nodded, "But I had enough and Mary helped me gather the proof of Alex's actions. And we presented those to Greener Records. The board had a decision, they could toss Alex on his ass or they could cancel my contract."

"And they canceled your contract?"

Anna nodded again. "Much as they wanted to cut Alex they couldn't, because he still owned a part of the company, so they were shuffling him toward a desk job. But they could afford to lose me. Especially since I had the PR excuse that I was needed at home with my ailing parents."

"They save face and you get away."

"It was too good to be true." Anna knocked her heel against the wooden chest under her. "And I should've seen that."

"What…" John swallowed, "What happened?"

"Alex found out. Despite Mary helping me move when he was away and getting out of his flat so I could get back to Yorkshire." Anna chewed the inside of her cheek. "But I was at the flat, alone, moving the last load when he showed up, absolutely reeking of alcohol, and finally snapped."

Anna closed her eyes, shivered, and then rolled her shoulders before staring at the doorway. "Aiden was conceived that night. The night my now very ex-boyfriend raped me before passing out on the living room floor."

They were silent a moment as Anna wiped the back of her hand across her eyes. She swallowed and cleared her throat. "When I could move, sobbing and shaking, I called Mary to get me. I don't even remember what shit I still had at that flat but I left it. Left it and never looked back."

"And Green?"

"I've no idea. I came to Yorkshire the next day and cut off all contact." Anna shrugged, "Mary wanted me to go to the police but I wouldn't."

"Why not?"

"Because I couldn't prove it. Not really. And I didn't want to get locked into a legal battle with Alex when my parents were dying." Anna's tone took on a bitter note. "And to hell with all the tabloids and newspapers that would've splashed the contents of my private life all over their pages. They would've hounded me for a story about the worst night of my life so they could sell magazines. So feck them. And to hell with anyone who finds out about it now."

"I couldn't agree more."

Anna took a breath, her fingers tightening their hold on the edge of the wooden chest. "The only good thing that came from it was Aiden. And that my parents got to see him before they passed." She smiled, "I named him after my father and my mother's father."

"That's beautiful." John shuffled next to her. "And…"

Anna looked at him and her face crinkled slightly at the twitching expressions moving across his face. "What is it?"

"It's… It's difficult to say."

"You don't have to."

"But I was the one who insisted on honesty." John took a breath, "And I don't believe in hypocrisy."

"Okay." Anna nodded at him, "What is it?"

"It's…" John shifted in place. "It's that when people say they know how you feel… They're usually lying because they don't want to know but they want you to feel that they're there for you but…"

"But?"

"But I do know how you feel."

Anna raised an eyebrow at him as her mouth formed an 'O'. "Don't take this the wrong way, but I sincerely hope you're lying right now."

"I wish I was too and I'm sorry to burst your bubble." John rubbed his palms over his jeans, not looking at her. "But it's part of the reason why I don't like football. At least, why I don't play it."

"Really?"

John nodded, "When I was fifteen, I spent almost a year in juvenile detention for manslaughter."

Anna blinked at him. "Is this something I should expect to see in an article later and you're warning me now?"

"No, the records are sealed. So unless someone wants to risk jail time…" John gave a derisive snort, "Which some scum sucker might but I'll not hold my breath waiting for a bottom feeder to get to it."

"I'd prepare, all the same."

"Will you prepare?" John turned to her and Anna shrugged.

"I've got my own story to keep on the backburner until someone finds out." She nodded toward Aiden's cot. "He's more than enough concern for me."

"And you're not worried about what I just told you?"

"I assumed there was more to the story." Anna bit the inside of her cheek. "And that you didn't accidently murder someone because it was reckless."

"You're right," John rubbed his hands together before returning them to his knees to hold tightly there. "It was self-defense, or at least that's the story they all believed because it's the story the story the constable insisted should be fought when my case was pressed."

"What…" Anna tried to swallow. "What happened?"

John swallowed, one hand wiping quickly at his eyes. "When I was eleven I got onto a competitive football squad. It had a great reputation, an amazing coach, and a chance to play professionally."

"The dream of every little boy."

"Exactly." John almost managed a smile but it died quickly. "What I didn't realize was the squad had a secret that you joined in on holding the way people in secret organizations never talk about what they do for a living."

Anna put a hand over her mouth. "No…"

He could only nod. "By the time I was fifteen I was… 'aging out', as the phrase went for those who 'survived' on the squad that long." John choked a moment, covering his face with his hands. Anna put her hand on his knee and held there until one of his hands covered hers, leaving streaks from his tears to soak into her skin as hie other hand wiped at his eyes. "But one of the younger players… I was training him and I noticed that he'd been… I recognized the signs of being one of those 'chosen'. And not just because of the extra training, or the premium playing spots, and the chances to get into exclusive games. I saw…"

John took a breath, wiping again at his eyes. "I saw the deadness in his eyes. The shame there. And it… It hit differently."

"I…" Anna bit at her lip. "I don't understand."

"It's…" John forced a few gulping swallows to try and keep his voice even. "It's different, when it's you. You find you can take anything and lock it away. You can suffer because the pain is nothing to how you'll feel if other people know. So you keep it hidden so no one knows. And it's fine… Or you tell yourself it is."

"But it was different for him?"

John nodded. "You can't bear to realize that someone else is suffering like you were. That they're bearing it now too and, in that moment, it clicked."

"It's amazing what we'll overcome when we realize there's someone else in the line of fire and not just us."

"Exactly that." John nodded. "So I went to confront our coach. Maybe to convince him to leave that kid alone or stop it entirely. I don't know what I hoped to accomplish but I went to his office and…" John shuddered, "He already had my trainee in there with him."

"John…"

"I don't… I don't remember what I saw but in an instant everything was red. So I just grabbed the closest thing I could and I brought it around to… stop him."

Anna could barely breathe. "What was it?"

"It was a twenty-five-kilo weight and when it came around at the end of my full-force swing it cracked my coach's skull." John let out a breath, "He'd leaked blood and brain fluid all over the floor to the point that when the paramedics arrived it was too late. He was long dead."

"What happened then?"

"The constable, Carson, he'd always suspected but he could never get anyone to say anything." John snorted, "It's amazing that shame can hide more sins than any sinner could hope to keep covered on their own."

"It's the tool of evil people to keep the suffers silent."

John nodded again, "No one's more self-conscious than a teenage boy. So when he saw what happened, and heard my story, he told everyone that I defended myself against the coach."

"What about the trainee?"

"He didn't even mention the other player." John sighed, "Not that it mattered since he moved away as soon as he could. I never saw him again. And the school…"

John whistled, "The scandal destroyed the place. And I never became a professional footballer."

"I'm sorry." Anna squeezed his hand and John loosened his fingers to accept the gesture. "It's nothing but…"

"It means a lot." John smiled at her before slipping his hand loose. "It truly does mean a lot to me."

"But what… What happened then?"

"My mother found out." He scrubbed over his face. "The worst part was when she thought it was all her fault."

"No…"

John shook his head, "How do you tell someone they couldn't do anything when you don't believe it of yourself?"

"About as bad as people telling you not to feel guilty, that it's not your fault, but…" Anna brought her feet up to hold around her legs. "How do you explain that you always feel violated and dirty? That nothing they say about guilt or shame can take away the feeling that you're a stranger in your own skin?"

John wiped the last of the tears from his eyes. "What a pair we make?"

Anna nodded and leaned into John. "But at least we're pair. That means we're not alone in this." She waited a moment, "Thank you, for telling me."

"You're only the… fifth person to know." John hurried with his next words. "It's not because I don't want to ruin my image but because… It destroyed my mother. She died less than a year later and I think the guilt took her."

"Tragedy always comes in multiples."

"She had a weak heart but… It was something else that I held over myself and I don't…" John shook his head, "I don't want anyone to take it and make money off that kind of tragedy."

"I understand that." Anna released one of her legs to hold John's free hand. "It's also because it's private."

"It's my grief."

"I understand that."

"Thank you."

They were silent for a few moments before Anna spoke again. "Did you ever see your trainee again?"

"No."

"Would you want to?"

John shrugged, "I don't think he'd want that. And after all this time I don't."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't think he thought I saved him."

Anna blinked, "But you…"

"It's not that easy." John brought up his hands, as if he could form the air into the shape of the words he needed to explain. "He never got charged and no one, publicly, knew he was even involved. But there were enough rumors and suspicions. And it didn't help that his family moved almost as soon as any of the story broke at all. Those rumors were part of why he left."

"Part?"

"The other part was that I'd seen it. Not just suspected or asked him about it but I saw it. You don't…" John flexed his jaw and dropped his hands back to his trousers. "Even if you trust someone, you never live that down. You can't. They've seen you at your most exposed and vulnerable and so I'm glad we've never seen one another again."

"But if you did?"

"I've no idea." John shook his head, "What would I even say to him? What could he say to me? I saw him at the worst moment of his life, the most vulnerable, and for all else we might've shared together as teammates or with him as my trainee, that… That moment defined the relationship we had. So if he saw me again, and I saw him, we'd relive that moment."

"That makes it sound almost cruel."

"Trauma isn't kind."

"No, it's not." Anna leaned her chin on her knee. "In a macabre way, it makes me almost glad that no one saw what happened to me. Mary only saw the aftermath and that was bad enough."

"It's a thing between you still, isn't it?"

Anna nodded, "It is. And it'll probably always be. But everyone's imaginations are both far more horrible than you imagine and yet grossly inadequate to comprehend the kind of pain you can endure."

"I don't think it's a benefit."

"It's defining but I wouldn't wish it on anyone." Anna straightened. "But, now that we've aired all of our dirty laundry, where does that put us?"

"Hopefully on equal footing."

"We were already there." Anna extended her hand to John. "Are you ready to start healing together?"

"I'd be honored." John shook her hand. "Let's get to work."