This took me so long. Too long, I know. Sorry. Thank you to everyone who reviewed and favourited and followed although the last update was so long ago. I know the fandom is probably half-dead now but I will do my best to finish this story. Should be 5-6 chapters to go, so that hopefully works out.

Special thanks to TheRadiantDawn and ShinyRedPenny for reviewing and pushing me to finish this chapter.

I'm having trouble writing Ren because a) I hated the last installment in the series and b) this relationship has been bordering on abusive which I'm trying to rectify without idealising Kylo Ren. I really have to add trigger warnings for violence to the description.

Anyway, here you go.

Roxena

~o~

And that was how it began. He visited her again, too soon, too desperately, but unfortunately, she was just as eager. And that eagerness did not fade. Even more unfortunately, it grew into a proper obsession she denied in front of everyone, even herself. She was lonely, had been without someone to warm her bed for too long and he was the first man who was exciting enough to keep her interested. Which lies he found to justify their nights she did not know.

He never knocked before he entered. Ren had found her in her bed, in the bath or at the table, but he had never surprised her. This time, it was no different. She had only just risen from her chair when he was already upon her. Her book fell to the floor with a clank neither of them heard.

Her robe joined the book on the floor, as did his attire. Xena's mind was empty, even if he tried to get inside her head, he would find nothing, only himself. He'd probably love that. Her hands were buried in his hair, his could not decide where to linger. Sleeping with him had not lost its thrill, perhaps it even got better because now, her nervousness was gone and she could savour every moment.

Afterwards, they lay next to each other, breathing heavily.

There always was this fragile silence, heavy with unanswered questions, suppressed doubts and the honest resolve not to do this again, under any circumstances.

Only this time, Xena broke the silence, destroying their habitual dynamic.

"Are you even allowed to do this?"

It was something she had wondered for a while but never dared to ask. They did not talk much. A few remarks, comically neutral while he was gathering up his clothes. As if they had decided that, as long as they did not bring it up, nothing existed outside of Xena's bedroom.

"The Dark Side does not restrict us like the Light does", he murmured into her hair.

"But your Leader-"

"-might not be pleased if he finds out", he agreed.

Xena doubted that there actually was a single person in the galaxy – or in the universe – who would be pleased if – or rather when – they found out. This was wrong in every sense of the word.

"It may not happen again." They always came to that conclusion.

"No." His voice was husky and Xena knew that they were both lying to themselves.

Somehow, he was as obsessed with her as she was with him.

"Should you not be married?" He asked casually while his hand moved from her hair to her neck but his tone did not fool her. Her personal question had emboldened him to ask his – and that surprised her. Kylo Ren was no man who needed emboldenment, she would have thought.

Perhaps." She said to the canopy. "But it is difficult to find a husband who is not a power-hungry, possessive, grasping, greedy vulture."

He did something even stranger than ask her a personal question: He laughed and caressed her collarbone. The lines she had carefully drawn around him, making him the villain, the handsome but undoubtedly irredeemable monster, were blurred by nothing more than a sound and a touch.

"Did your father not arrange something?"

He knew he had. He wanted her to tell him why it had not worked. He wanted to hear that he was better. Yes, Kylo Ren was hungry for compliments and she did not mind giving them.

"He did. But then he died and I had a very different taste in men." Would he ask her what her taste was?

He didn't.

"You did not get on with your parents." He had asked her about that before though of course, strictly speaking, his comment had not been a question.

"No." She turned around to look at him. His face was softer now, his eyes so dark and warm. She felt a pulling sensation in her stomach and was reminded once again that this liaison did not only endanger her politically. Xena was dangerously close to caring for this man.

"My father was a despot. My mother a dreamer. Neither of them was willing to take care of a daughter. My father needed an heir and my mother needed help."

His hand wandered to her hair again, to the side of her face.

"She died in an accident." Again, it was not a question.

"When I was sixteen. My father died not long after. Of a broken heart, the story goes, but I knew my father well and he did not have a heart."

"Who raised you?"

"My aunt. Lady Isidore. She is on my council now. And I had a few droids."

A smile flickered across his face. She loved his rare smiles.

"Who were your parents?" It was strange, she had never thought about him as a person with parents. He seemed uncertain for a moment, angry for another, but then his face smoothed and she knew he would not tell her the truth.

"My mother was a politician, my father an outlaw."

"That sounds like a love story my mother would have liked." Xena smiled. "Where do they live? Are they Order members, too?"

"They are both dead." Now his face was tense and she cursed herself. Of course his parents' death was a sensitive topic.

She tried to change it: "Who was your mother? If she was a politician perhaps I know her. Was her last name Ren?"

Again, his lips were thin. "No. And you don't know her. She was not a good politician."

Why was he so angry again?

"There are no good politicians."

Now, he smiled, although the smile was still a bit too tense for her to relax.
"And Ren is the last name of knights of the Ren. Like the Sith Lords of old."

So Ren was not his real last name but for some reason, he did not want to tell her his real name. Fair enough.

"Like Darth Vader."

"Like him." His tone was different yet again and they gave something about him away that made her brace herself once again, draw up her walls and hide her soul behind them.

"You admire him." The warm, cozy clouds around them dissolved and she felt like she had taken a cold shower involuntarily.

"He has done much for the galaxy." His expression hardened.

"Yes, for one, he relieved it of Alderaan." Xena was not fool enough to tell him about her acquaintance with Leia but everyone knew that tale.

"How do you know it was him?" His hand was no longer on her. "It was Tarkin who destroyed Alderaan. Darth Vader brought order to the galaxy."

Well, then it was Tarkin. He had surely not acted alone, but still. The list of Vader's sins was long, even without Alderaan.

"And terror." She would not agree with him on everything just because she wanted him in her bed. There were other men.

"Perhaps terror is the way to restore order." His tone had changed. He was no longer the man who liked to bury his hands in her hair. He was the man that hid his face behind a mask, in admiration for the greatest bane of freedom and goodness and justice the galaxy had ever known. How could she have been so blind?

"That you think so is obvious." Suddenly, she was disappointed. He had not changed, of course he hadn't. What, had she thought that fucking her would make him a better man? He was still the First Order's attack dog. He was still a monster. She sat up on the bed, clutching the blankets to her chest to cover herself. She felt vulnerable again, vulnerable and naive and incredibly angry with herself.

"You were attacked by your own peaceful people. A little bit of terror saved your life." He had risen now, too, and his tone was full of acid. "Peace is the dream of weak people."

"So you do not want to have peace? Ever? You want to be at war forever?" No one could want that, surely. And what kind of creature was it that did?

"There is always war somewhere."

His own nakedness did not seem to bother him, so engrossed was he in their fight, but it distracted her.

"This is not about what is, but about what you want. About ideals and hopes and dreams. It is true, isn't it? You feed off of terror, conflicts, war, fear. You need it. It makes you who you are. You would be nothing without it."

The realisation hit her and he looked as if he wanted to hit her, too.

"And you?" He asked, his voice both hurt and angry. "You are so unprepared for war that strangers can walk all over you. You are weak and vulnerable and in bed with your attacker."

Her hand trembled with anger as she raised it.

"Leave. Now."

"Because you know it's true." He got up, dressed quickly and left. She had no reply for him. Wasn't he right?

~o~

Kylo

~o~

It had taken all his self-restraint not to hurt her but the memory of her in the walled garden and the wave of regret that had followed was painful enough to hold him back. He had not been able to hold his tongue though and the bitterness had leaked out of him. Not that Kylo was wrong, technically. She was weak, physically at least. She did not have the power to oppose him, it had been ridiculously easy to take over her planet, although the Order had been hindered by the necessity to at least appear diplomatic. But there was an undeniable strength in her and Kylo envied her for her self-confidence and even temper. There was no conflict in her, although sometimes he felt melancholy or boredom when she did what was expected of her. She would have chosen a different path, had she had the chance to choose, but she had accepted, no, embraced her fate. She had accepted the intruders, had welcomed them and adjusted to the new circumstances with flexibility but she had not once compromised on her basic values and he found himself admiring her unwillingly.

He was aware that she might have forged secret plans with her council and secret allies even Kylo knew nothing about. He had not even wanted to find out before, admittedly. These days she kept her mind guarded and although he could easily take a closer look, she would notice and he did not want to give her the satisfaction to know that he still cared. Not that he did, it was political, of course, but she wouldn't know that. He cursed himself for his careless words, but he had been so deeply satisfied, a feeling he had rarely, if ever, known before, that he had not been as careful as he usually was. He had revealed more of himself than he should have. It was good that their affair had come to an end – at least that was what he told himself during his mental training, when he had to calm down. He did not want the Supreme Leader to see how far he had already gone, how much control he had already lost. But during his combat training, when he unleashed his temper, the memory came back unbidden and it made him angrier than anything. She should not have asked. It had been perfect, he had started to like her, perhaps even to trust her. He had felt at ease with her, comfortable and peaceful.

And she had destroyed it.

Kylo could not forget the look on her face, the repulsion, the anger, the fear, and, worse, the disappointment. She had taken him into her bed thinking that he was a different man and that hurt most. Kylo had felt so good around her because she had given him the feeling that he was accepted. He had thought, truly thought, that she found him attractive the way he was, that she desired the man he was. But of course she hadn't. It had been an illusion. Now, she took him for a cruel, cold-hearted killer who thrived on chaos and terror. The problem was that she was perhaps not completely wrong. And Kylo Ren should be proud because that was exactly what he had been taught to be but the little part of him that was still Ben Solo had not liked the truth at all.

Still….I had the power to disappoint her. I had the power to hurt her. She cares… He knew that it was despicable of him to rejoice at the thought but he did. It was true. She had been disappointed because she cared. Nothing was lost. He would show her that he did not care, usually, that worked. Kylo Ren understood surprisingly little about women but that had always done the trick.

~o~

Roxena

~o~

He did not come to her quarters again although she found herself hoping he would. He ignored her during the day too and she had even less patience with Hux. Once or twice, she almost leashed out at him. It is not fair. He is unpleasant but not the reason for my anger. Or my shame. The problem was that Ren had been right. With every single word, he had with deft, cruel accuracy described her situation. And she had not liked the truth at all.

"Your Grace," Hux smiled. "Don't you agree?"

She had not heard a single word of his monologue but Xena smiled: "Yes, of course I do."

It had been a trap. A mix of emotions flickered over the general's face: Annoyance, anger, disappointment. Then he smiled: "I can see that something bothers you. Tell me and I'll do everything in my power to fix it."

Behind him, Kylo Ren's helmet turned, ever so slightly, but Xena noticed it anyway.

At least he was still jealous. You sound pathetic. Hux is far better for you than Ren. Stop playing with him.

But of course she couldn't. The thing with Kylo Ren had been folly but this dalliance with Hux was politics. At least she preferred to think of it that way. She knew full well that he was not interested in her person. It was the crown and the power he wanted and unfortunately, that was attached to her hand. She on the other hand needed a calculable ally and Ren was everything but that.

"You are too kind, general." Out of spite, she leant against his shoulder, only for a brief moment but long enough for Ren to see her. Pathetic. But Ren, although apparently looking out of the window with an air of decided boredom that was evident even even with his mask on, seemed to care, unless there was a different explanation for why he was holding that datapad pen as if his life depended on it. Roxena saw his knuckles move under the stretched black leather of his gloves.

"Unfortunately, this is nothing that can be helped. The anniversary of my father's death is near and I am expected to celebrate it accordingly. A procession through the streets of Xanthos up the hill to the royal crypt. A feast in his honour."

The public mourning of a monarch was important, even if the monarch was as unpopular as King Rexon had been. Yet, the monarchy of Voltrea depended on customs and traditions, without it, it was an empty shell. For the past four years, she had walked down the main street of Voltrea in a white dress, while the rest of her court had followed in purple, the official colour of mourning. For the past four years, she had laid down the wreath of purple and white flowers at the door of her father's crypt, knelt in front of his silver statue and pretended to pray to the spirits. In truth, her mind had been blank. She had not asked him for guidance or help, she had not cursed him with eternal unrest. Xena did not believe in the spirits, she believed in the stars. But of course, that was a closely guarded secret, or she would lose the conservatives' approval.

After the procession, there would be a feast for the less conservative, the power-hungry and the thirsty. It had very little to do with the person her father had been and very much with the position he had held. Only five more years, then the spirits would be appeased and her father would find the rest he maybe deserved.

Hux knew everything about Voltreen customs, so he only nodded with a fake sympathetic smile.

"You can count on me, Your Grace. My support for you is unwavering and if you need to talk to a friend in your grief – " He patted her hand.

"I know that I can confide in you." Xena's anger for Ren made her venture too far with the General. She had to tread carefully here, no step could be taken back. Give a dog a bone and he won't give it up. "But I need to do this on my own. I hope you understand. I am so grateful for your support, though, General Hux."

He took the hint and withdrew his hand.

Ren's hand around the datapad pen relaxed but even from her seat a few feet away, Xena saw that it had not managed to retain its straight shape: Ren had a very firm grip, it seemed.

With a very small smile, one that hid her triumph, she hoped, Xena rose, nodded goodbye, and left the room. Perhaps, she thought, with more than a hint of excitement, not all hope was lost. Yes, Ren stood for everything she loathed. Yes, there was no logical reason to meet him – to want to be with him. But despite all her efforts and her strict reminders that it was logic and politics that mattered most, she longed for him. Not only his touch, she wanted to see his face again, so oddly vulnerable, considering who he was and what he had done. Xena wanted to discover his secrets, unwrap him, see what was on his mind. It was only fair, wasn't it? He knew everything about her after all. Of course she knew that she could just as well dance on a lightsaber blade but a small (or perhaps not so small) part of her secretly loved the thrill. Kylo Ren was a mystery, even underneath the mask. And for a woman who was used to unravelling people within minutes, the challenge was too tempting, no matter the risk.

She would wait and make him want her. It had worked before. Only this time, he would come to her. Their nights together had shown her what he liked, what it would take to make him swallow his pride. A mixture of feeding his jealousy and his cocky arrogance would work. She would show him how much she missed their brief meetings and how often he was on her mind – but she would also show him that, if he wasn't fast enough, someone else would take his place. Of course, Hux would be the perfect decoy but he was too important and she thought that Ren had tired of him already.

Roxena was certain that another candidate would present himself – and she wasn't wrong.

Quick reminder that Roxena is not really the best queen. She does this out of duty, not passion, and after growing up passionless and distant, she longs for contact and more than peaceful rule. So this story is heading somewhere (even if I abandon it for two years occasionally) and that ending might ignore large parts of Star Wars IX, just as a heads up.