Leg Part 3: Jesus take the wheel

Predictably, Mr. Krabs was the first to arrive at his own restaurant. Inside were an assortment of generic fish people, as well a cluebox right in front of the fake half-boat where customers placed their orders. Curiously, one half of the Krusty Krab looked like a fancy restaurant with a stage on one side, but the other side looked as it always did with its typical nautical theme.

"Detour: Sponge or Squid?" Tai Lee read.

Teams must now do a task related to what happens at the Krusty Krab—either something that happens often, or infrequently, with each task splitting up teams. In Sponge, one team member helps SpongeBob prepare food in the kitchen, while the other works the register, memorizing and issuing orders. Once a team does this task five times, they are given their next clue. In Squid, one team member must mimic Squidward's infamous dance from when the Krusty Krab first held its talent show. They must also take care to dodge tomatoes thrown by annoyed customers from the free salad bar. The other team member simply ushers customers to seats and turns away anyone who isn't wearing something fancy. Powers are banned for both tasks.

"Squid, for sure," Tai Lee said. "I'm a circus performer, I was born to do weird dances."

"And I'd love the low-profile aspect of the task," Mai said. "I guess we'll get to work."

"Finally, some real, actual talent!" Squidward said happily as he approached the team. "At least, I sure hope you're talented."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Tai Lee asked.

Squidward shrugged. "My show made more money than yours, I can say whatever I want."

"Don't mind him," Mai told Tai Lee. "He's just upset that he cheated last season and ended up being the second team to be eliminated."

Squidward to rage at her, but he kept his cool and remembered his karma and escorted Tai Lee to the stage.

The next team to arrive was Slim and Arachne.

"Let's do Sponge," Slim said. "That doesn't sound as stressful."

"Come on, Slim!" Arachne urged. "You're tall and skinny! You were made for weird dances!"

"I knew this was a bad idea," Slim insisted. "We Endermen don't like it when someone stares at us for too long."

Chris and Elise arrived next and wasted no time, deciding to do the Sponge task.

"Hi, Chris!" said SpongeBob as if they were old friends.

"Hey, SpongeBob," Chris replied. "I might as well learn how to make a good Krabby Patty."

"Oh, I just love it when people love working!" SpongeBob said.

"I know, right? Elise won't let me get a job."

"I've told you, you don't need a job. Mine pays just fine!" Elise insisted.

MC Mobs: Doing Squid

Fire nation girls: Also doing Squid

Regular couple: Doing Sponge

Backstage, Squidward made sure to tell them the most important thing they needed to remember aside from the steps of his dance.

"Now, you might think this is your one shot at the big time. Well, it's not. It's mine!"

"I think he's quoting his own episode!" Slim whispered to Tai Lee.

"Given the nature of this task, only one may perform first," Squidward said, suddenly changing his tone to sound more dramatic. "Tai Lee, as a member of the first team to get here, you're up first. Go knock their fins off!"

"Ok!" Tai Lee made sure to strut onstage and pose her arms up like a rabbit, just like Squidward had showed her. She skillfully dodged all of the tomatoes from angry customers, as Mai said little while directing customers to their seats. Even Squidward was briefly taken out of his usual cynicism, his jaw dropping in amazement at her skills.

"Cancel the race!" Squidward cried. "We have a winner here!"

Arachne back-sassed him while escorting customers, most of whom were unnerved by a giant spider walking around in a restaurant.

Squidward wasted no time giving Tai Lee and Mai their next clue.

"The Pit Stop! Eeek!" Tai Lee squealed in delight.

"You didn't have to shout that out," Mai pointed out.

That's right, the Pit Stop is nigh! Make your way back to Sandy's Tree dome and take your place in Sandy's rocket after Bill tells you your placement. Unless you're last, of course…

Fire nation girls: currently in First

Slim was up next. She got the bunny ears part right, but when she looked out at all of the fishes and their glaring eyes, ready to throw tomatoes, it was just too much for her. She reacted out of primal rage instead of rationality, immediately teleporting off the stage and whacking a customer with a block of sand from outside. Luckily, since it was just sand, it didn't really hurt, except for when Slim kicked the fish's leg.

"MY LEG!" he cried in over-exaggerated pain. "MYUH LEH-HEGG!"

"What are you doing?!" Arachne cried, quickly covering Slim's face with her giant spider butt in order to block her vision. Squidward stormed the stage as well, trying to look epic while pointing at Slim while holding the mic under his mouth.

"For that display of insolence, I think you'd best be going to the…other Detour option." Slim and Arachne slunk away in embarrassment.

"I couldn't help it!" Slim insisted afterwards. "People should know never to look at an Enderman, or Enderwoman for that matter. Arachne, this was your fault!"

"Me? Why is it my fault when you mess up?!" Arachne countered. The two argued pointlessly for a little while longer, but it wasn't dramatic or edgy enough to be shown.

Chris and Elise, meanwhile, were doing fairly well with their task.

"Ok, Chris, I need you to get me one Krabby Patty with cheese," Elise instructed.

"Sounds pretty simple enough," SpongeBob assured Chris. "Now, remember all that I taught you, rookie!"

"Aye aye, captain!" Chris replied.

"I'm not the captain, silly, that's Mr. Krabs!" SpongeBob corrected him.

"Aye, I am the captain! And don't ye forget it!" Mr. Krabs cried as he burst out of the side door to his office, immediately slamming it back shut again.

Slim joined Elise at the register while Arachne joined Chris in the kitchen, much to the delight of SpongeBob. "Oh, yay! Another team! This'll be much better than what Squidward wants you to do!"

"It had better be," Arachne muttered. "We can't afford to mess this up!"

"Relax," Elise assured them. "We're in, like, the top two, there's no real rush yet."

"Nuh-uh!" Arachne corrected her. "We're in the top three! The fire girls already beat us at the other task!"

"Oh, that's not good," Chris remarked.

"No chit-chat, sorry! I need to hear patties sizzling!" SpongeBob said in a way that sounded overly happy, like he was ready to burst with rage.

Back at Jellyfish Fields, the other teams were still struggling with the Roadblock, some more so than others. Finally, against all odds, one team triumphed.

Ms. Bitters finally made it to the other side of the chasm, taking her clue as Mrs. Puff once again clapped her fins at all the effort she didn't put in that her teammate did for her instead. "Splendid job, Ms. Bitters!" she cried.

"Yes, quite. Let's move quickly," Ms. Bitters replied.

Teachers: currently in Fourth

Try as Vegeta might to make it over without cheating, Goku caught him again and again when he stayed in the air for unrealistically long times.

"I wasn't flying!" Vegeta insisted. "I was just jumping very far! You know, like how Mario does. You like Mario, right, Kakerot?"

"Mario is my homeboy!" Goku replied stupidly.

"Yeah, well, you wouldn't want to disappoint your homie, right?"

"Well, maybe…"

"Ugh. Fine, no flying, no jumping far, no gliding, no nothing. I'll reduce my power level to 0. Is that good enough for you?"

"We'll see…"

Meanwhile, Peach was next to make it across. Her powers were more clearly designated as floating, rather than flying, so it wasn't considered cheating as she couldn't ascend vertically.

"Bravo, Peach!" Toadsworth cried on the other side of the chasm. "As long as we're ahead of the Saiyans we should be safe!"

"I resent being used as a benchmark of success!" Vegeta cried. "Why can't people measure their success based on how far ahead they are of, hmm, I don't know, Yamcha?"

Mushroomites: currently in Fifth

Despite Patrick's stupidity, Olimar and the President finally reached Jellyfish Fields. No, they weren't forgotten; Patrick was just that slow and mind-numbingly stupid that he drove them all over Bikini Bottom before he could get them to their destination!

Hocotatians: currently in Last with the Saiyans and the Texans

Back at the Krusty Krab, Chris, Elise, Arachne and Slim were all working hard on issuing orders and cooking the food. Arachne worked in the kitchen while Slim worked the front.

"Two kelp shakes, medium coral bits, and triple Krabby Supreme!" she called out to Arachne.

"Gee, that doesn't sound like much," Arachne said sarcastically. "I hope this person doesn't starve with 2 shakes and a triple burger down his gullet!" She was suddenly whipped by SpongeBob, who had gone mad with power.

"No commentary on a customer's order! Their will must be obeyed!" SpongeBob yelled. Chris nervously kept his head down and kept on grilling his patty.

The Teachers were next to arrive at the Krusty Krab, and read the Detour.

"We'll be cooking," Ms. Bitters said, and Puff nodded in agreement. "The Sponge may be a nuisance, but neither of us are best suited to the spotlight."

"Good idea," the fish said. "And if things go south fast, I have a plan to get us back on track." She chuckled to herself. "Oh, but that could be cheating…!"

"Mrs. Puff!" SpongeBob cried with happiness. "You're finally working at the Krusty Krab! With me! We'll be best pals!"

"Don't push it, SpongeBob," she warned him. "I'm just doing this for the race. For the moment, you're the teacher and I'm…the student. Oh, dear Neptune, what have I gotten myself into?!" Mrs. Puff tried to maintain her composure once she realized what she had just signed up for. But for the sake of the race, she took a deep breath and got to work on the patties. "We're not driving, we're not driving," she told herself repeatedly.

Peach and Toadsworth were the next team to show up to the Krusty Krab. Reading the clue, they immediately decided on Squid. Obviously, Peach was the one doing the dance.

"As an old butler, I'm used to being polite!" Toadsworth remarked. "And as a princess, she's used to having all the attention. Things will go quite, well, swimmingly!"

Peach studied Squidward's dance carefully as he did a repeat performance on the stage. She was no dancer, but she was confident she could get the hang of it in no time.

And in a similarly small increment of time, Mai and Tai Lee arrived at the pit stop, where they were greeted by various Bikini Bottom fish, who all cried out, "Thanks for visiting Bikini Bottom!"

"Mai and Tai Lee," said Bill, who was wearing an outfit similar to Sandy's and theirs, "You are team number 1!" Tai Lee jumped for joy, but Mai simply smiled in relief.

Fire Nation Girls: First, arriving at 5:10 PM

"We're doing great at this! We've gotten in the top three a lot!" Tai Lee exclaimed.

"Or almost dead last," Mai reminded her. In CandyLand, and ZoombiniVille, we almost got eliminated. We either do really well or really terrible. We can't rely on luck or the challenges being tailored for our skills. We've got to consistently be a force to be reckoned with."

Back at Jellyfish Fields, the last three teams were struggling to complete the task. It was especially bad for Olimar, who had a feeling that they were the last three teams in the race. But finally, one team member who had to learn patience the hard way finally reached the other side.

"YES!" cried Vegeta. "I destroyed you pathetic weaklings in this stupid hopping race!"

"Oh, for Neptune's sake, you're in sixth!" Plankton remarked as the Saiyans got into his normal-sized cab to head to the Krusty Krab.

Saiyans: currently in Sixth

Olimar's skills with his blue Pikmin were enough to eventually get him over to the other side, with Peggy just seconds behind him.

"Well done, Olimar! I'll promote you after this is over!" the President said.

"Really?" Olimar asked.

"No."

"I'm so sorry, Luanne!" Peggy cried, tears streaming inside her helmet.

"It's ok, Aunt Peggy," Luanne said, giving her a hug as the other remaining team drove away ahead of them.

"This here race ain't over 'till the fat lady sings!" Sandy urged. "Giddyup there, taxi!" she said to her own taxi, making her look like a bizarre idiot in the process.

"But we don't have a fat lady to sing for us!" Luanne pointed out.

Hocotatians: currently in Seventh

Texans: currently in Last

Back at the Krusty Krab, Chris and Elise finished their task next by nature of being the first one of the teams there to actually start on the task.

"Ok," Chris told his wife. "I got that, uh, thing ready."

"The triple double bossy deluxe four-by-four animal style on a raft, on shingles with a shimmy and a squeeze, and light axle grease? Did you burn it, make it cry and let it swim?"

"Uh, I think so…?"

"That's correct!" SpongeBob said. "Although for future reference, make sure to make the patty cry before you burn it, not after." He then handed the team their next clue.

"The pitstop, finally!" Elise said. "It feels like this leg has been longer than most."

"It's actually probably a lot shorter," Chris suggested as they headed back to their taxi.

Sure enough it was, at least for them.

"You are team number 2!" Bill told them.

"I'm really starting to think we have a chance here!" Elise said. "I kind of thought somebody with weird powers would beat us, or Dan would completely mess us up. But so far everything seems to be going pretty well!"

"Yeah, that's a bit too much of a coincidence," Chris remarked. "Dan always told me married couples do terribly in this show because they're always arguing. It's all to promote the idea that it's better to just be single and live alone with your cat in an apartment that you rent. But as a guy who actually knows someone like that, well, I don't know if it's the best living arrangement for everyone."

"Too much commentary, honey," Elise urged.

Regular couple: Second, arriving at 5:32 PM

"How are those patties coming, ladies?" SpongeBob asked the other teams with him. Suddenly he noticed Arachne messing something up. "No, Arachne! That shoe doesn't belong in a Krabby Patty! That's for the amnesia patty!"

"You mean you don't regularly eat shoes?" Arachne asked, looking genuinely confused. "I thought that was what fish ate!"

"Only when they're ordering an amnesia patty or a fried boot!" SpongeBob corrected her. Turning to the other team, he was much more pleased. "Wow, Mrs. Puff, you're a natural and making Krabby Patties!" he cried.

"Thanks," Mrs. Puff said, genuinely happy to be complimented. "You know, perhaps this isn't so bad. Just never drive in your life, SpongeBob, and maybe then I don't need to worry about you anymore."

"Aw, that's sweet of you to worry, Mrs. Puff! But I mustn't give up on getting my license!"

Mrs. Puff sighed. "Well, I tried."

"Stay focused, Puff," Ms. Bitters hissed. "Just two more orders left to get right. I need a three orders of kelp fries, a large drink to be shared with multiple straws, and a pipsqueak patty!"

"Right, I'll get on it!"

The last three teams finally arrived at the Krusty Krab, one after the other.

"Oooh, Vegeta! Let's do dancing!" Nappa cried.

"Fine, but I'm taking people to their seats!" Vegeta insisted. "They'd probably say I 'cheated' at a dance somehow. I'm one bad moment away from exploding on someone."

"If you must know, Slim already did that," Squidward remarked. "Also, this is Bikini Bottom. No one ever really dies here. We don't need dragon balls to be immortal."

"You mean you're all immortal and don't need dragon balls?" Vegeta repeated.

"Yes, that's what I said. Can you hear me?" Squidward replied. Vegeta wasted no time slaughtering everyone there except his fellow racers, but since Bikini Bottom citizens are immortal, this didn't really amount to much. Even the Krusty Krab magically regrew 11 minutes or so later.

But in the span of these eleven minutes, Mrs. Puff, Ms. Bitters, Slim and Arachne all managed to finish their tasks. They left while the rest of the Krusty Krab besides the kitchen reassembled itself from nothing.

"Bloody heck, Vegeta!" Toadsworth cried. "You just slowed the rest of us down!"

"Maybe I wanted too, huh, gramps?!"

In truth, Vegeta's "strategy" really cost the other two teams that were doing that Detour, and his own team, quite a bit.

Meanwhile at the Pit Stop, more teams got checked in.

"You are teams number 3 and 4!" Bill told them.

Teachers: Third, arriving at 6:03 PM

MC Mobs: Fourth, arriving at 6:18 PM

"Once again, we did very well," Ms. Bitters remarked.

"I think this calls for an alliance!" Arachne said. "Us girls can all work together. Maybe that's the solution instead of trying to bring Tai Lee down!"

"Why Tai Lee specifically?" Slim asked.

"Too happy!" Arachne answered vaguely.

"I think an alliance between the three of us would be great," Mrs. Puff offered. "But what about Peggy and Luanne? They're a female team, too."

"We'll just have to see," Mai shrugged.

Back at the Krusty Krab, Olimar and the President managed to finish right around the time the Krusty Krab stage was once again set up for more dance routines.

"Let's finally get out of here!" Olimar cried. He and the President got back into their taxi, making sure to pick someone else besides Patrick to drive them to Sandy's treedome. On the stage, meanwhile, Peach was doing quite a good job mimicking Squidward's crazy motions, minus the fact that she didn't have four legs like Squidward. Then again, nobody in the race had four legs, so maybe it didn't really matter.

"Hmm…" Squidward stroked his nearly non-existant chin in thought as the remaining team members danced. He then glanced over at the ushers. The President was pretty average at being polite, but Toadsworth was doing exceptionally well. He even warned Peach as several tomatoes were aimed right at her head, and Peach quickly dodged them while her helmet remained unstained. You probably forgot that all the team members are wearing Sandy-esque suits, right? It's ok to admit it. Vegeta, meanwhile, was not popular with patrons due to the fact that he had just attempted to kill them all. Nappa was ok at mimicking Squidward's dance, as was Luanne, but neither of them were smart enough to be able to memorize the steps.

"I've seen enough!" Squidward declared. "Peach, you're the star of this performance! Excellent job!" Squidward handed her the next clue.

"The Pit Stop! By Jove, we've still got it!" Toadsworth cried, suddenly gaining a burst of speed and whisking Peach off the stage and back to their cab.

Mushroomites: currently in Sixth

"Now, it's up to me to determine which of you I dislike less," Squidward remarked, carefully examining Nappa and Luanne as they dodged tomatoes. Luanne was on the verge of tears, and Nappa was starting to break out into a sweat.

"Come on, Luanne! I seated everybody! It's all up to you, honey! Remember the aunt-niece bond!"

"Nappa, if you mess this up I'll kill you again!" Vegeta shouted. "And I'll kill everyone else here again, too!" At this, the fish all threw their tomatoes at Luanne, taking Vegeta's threat seriously. The fish who got his leg injured threw the hardest. Luanne had no chance against the numerous tomatoes, and she was covered in tomato juice by the end of the onslaught.

"Sorry, Luanne," Squidward announced. "But since you couldn't dodge all the tomatoes, Nappa did slightly better than you. So you two get the next clue," Squidward said. "And because you're the last team, you two Sandy-ites well get it last."

Luanne sobbed into Peggy's shirt while the Saiyans made a quick getaway.

"Looks like sometimes violence really is the answer!" Vegeta said happily. "Let me tell you, Nappa, it's good to be a Saiyan!"

"Saiyan pride, worldwide!" Nappa cried.

"Ew. Now that you said it it sucks. You don't deserve to be a Saiyan."

"Luanne, now is not the time for tears!" Peggy said, shaking Luanne to get her to focus. "All we can do is pray and hope God looks down on us and gives us the slightly faster cab driver!" Luanne immediately began to pray for success, but it was censored due to copyright infringement, and the fact that Luanne just sang "Jesus take the wheel" instead of a real prayer once they got inside the cab. Although God was way too important to waste His time interfering in some dumb race where the ultimate god was not Him but greed, one of the sins of the whore of Babylon and a mark of Mamon/Satan, and He was not about to just grant people money with little reason, He nevertheless smiled on Luanne and Peggy, at least in terms of their fortune. Of course, seeing as how they are just fictional characters, He didn't love them the same as He would an actual person. So, while Jesus didn't take the wheel, Luanne and Peggy's prayers were answered.

"Vegeta and Nappa, you are the seventh team to arrive," Bill said, much to their relief.

"YES!" Vegeta pumped his fist in relief and excitement. Sensing the Texans behind him, he beckoned them over and let them step on the mat. "No hard feelings to you silly Earth women," Vegeta said in a surprisingly friendly tone. "After all, I did marry an Earth woman."

"You're married now?!" Nappa exclaimed in astonishment. "Why didn't you tell me?!"

"I probably did, you just forgot it."

Peggy and Luanne stepped on the mat, hanging their heads. "Well, Bill," Peggy remarked. "This race sure was fun. I'm going to be modest and not use my powers to seduce you into giving us the last seat on that rocket. We'll get home some other—"

"You don't have to do anything!" Bill cried. "Don't you think I'd be sad if you were actually being eliminated, Peggy?"

"Well, uh…"

"I didn't finish telling the Saiyans their caveat!"

"Our caviar?" Nappa asked. "I love caviar! It's delicious and fancy!"

"No, Nappa, he has to tell us our—wait, what?"

"You two came in last on a non-elimination leg," Bill explained. "Because of that, you two were marked for elimination. You have to wait thirty minutes before I can check you in. And because Peggy and Luanne are the last team to arrive, you two have been eliminated!"

"Huh. Well, as they say in the south, how about that!" Nappa remarked. He gave Luanne and Peggy an unrequested hug. "Well, this was a fun experience. It felt great to be alive again. Good luck, you two. Hey, Vegeta, do you-?"

But Vegeta was long gone, flying upward, out of the ocean and into the sky, full of rage, fury and wrath. He was off to find a planet to destroy, to get his anger out. As he sped into space, the show's microphone pinned to his suit, he gave an angry tirade:

"NOOOOOOOOOOO! DAMIIIIIIIIIIT! FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUUUUUUUUUUCK! WE WERE SO CLOSE! WE DESERVED TO WIN! I WANT MY MILLION DOLLARS! I WANT MY IMMORTALITY! I'LL KILL THEM ALL ONE DAY! KAKEROOOOOOOOOOOOT!"

Of course, Goku made sure to calm Vegeta down and stop him from destroying a planet, seeing as how that's not what good guys are supposed to do. While Vegeta remained furious, he wasn't quite as furious as before.

"Well, I hope you in the audience enjoyed the crazy antics of Vegeta and yours truly, Nappa! Now ghost Nappa again because Vegeta killed me again. That was also part of the deal with the show. I'm going to go back to Heffle and be dead now. Bye!"

Vegeta could not be reached for comment. Goku resign shortly after Vegeta was eliminated, seeing as how he was no longer needed.

AN: I had always had planned to eliminate the Saiyans at some point. I figured it wasn't fun to have a race go just like it did in early seasons where only teams of two strong, young men won and the race was too focused on strength. If you want a season where that is painfully obvious, just watch the first season of the Australian version, or the second season of the Asian version, or various seasons of the American version. Anyway, more legs are coming…eventually.