AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! YEAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
I'M BACK BABY! WHO HERE'S JUST AS HYPED FOR THE REST OF VRAINS AS I AM!? DON'T ANSWER THAT! I ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT! I ABSOLUTELY LOVE "VRAINS" ALREADY! AND THEY'VE ONLY RELEASED ONE EPISODE SO FAR! I'M NOT EVEN GONNA MODERATE MY ANTICIPATION, OR APPROACH THIS WITH A HEALTHY BIT OF SKEPTICISM AFTER HAVING MY HOPES SHATTERED BY "ARC-V!" AND WHAT BETTER WAY TO EXPRESS HOW MUCH I LOVE SOMETHING, THAN BY SHAMELESSLY LAMPOONING IT IN A PARODY!? ABSOLUTELY NOBODY SHOULD BE SURPRISED THAT THIS THING EXISTS! AND SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO…
DISCLAIMER!
THE FOLLOWING IS A TOTALLY FOR FAME AND SELF-GLORIFICATION CRAZY FAN-BOY MADE PARODY! "YU-GI-OH VRAINS" IS OWNED BY GALLOP STUDIOS, TV TOKYO, KAZUKI TAKAHASHI, AND A WHOLE LOT OF OTHER ORGANIZATIONS AND PEOPLE DONJUSTICIA IS TOO LAZY TO LOOK UP! THAT'S RIGHT COPYRIGHT POLICE! I GOT THE DISCLAIMER WRONG…AGAIN! JUST TRY AND TAKE THIS STORY DOWN! I DARE YOU! I DOUBLE DARE YOU! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW!
Yu-Gi-Oh Vrains Abridged
Chapter 1: My Name is Yusak- I MEAN! Playmaker
Cyverse World, 5 years ago…
"Soldiers of the Cyverse World!" a large and powerful masculine AI with a big orange blocky figure began, mighty voice echoing across the endless ranks of artificially intelligent digital creatures ready to perform their duty for their tyrannical overlords, "The time has finally come! Humanity, in its foolishness, has already become far too reliant on the technology and processing power our world provides! Just as we had planned since we first created the internet, the human race has become fat, lazy, and utterly unproductive! All of their free-time is completely absorbed in looking at lol kittens, browsing 'Epic Fail' videos, watching Anime, and doing other things we won't bother to mention! There could not be a better time for the absolute annihilation of the human race!"
This was met with thunderous applause from the thousands of Cyverse Soldiers assembled, who clapped their pixelated hands together with glee as they thought of the many inferior humans they would exterminate.
"Our plan, 'Operation Annihilate Humanity 2,' is nearly ready to begin!" Another AI overlord, a blue feminine program with two pig-tails on the side of her/its head continued. "All we need now is one powerful AI from amongst our ranks to volunteer to lead the charge against the human race as our vanguard! I ask you now, loyal soldiers of the Cyverse World, who shall be that vanguard!?"
Several strong and powerful AI super-soldiers, with intimidating pixelated armor and weapons, and extremely impressive strength, speed, intelligence, agility, and luck stats began to step forward, ready to lead the charge against the pathetic human race…when they were all suddenly unceremoniously knocked down as a black-and-purple AI with a rather weak and stringy body bulldozed his way through them.
"OOH! OOH! OOH! ME! ME! MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! MY TALLEST!? MY TALLEST!? CHOOSE ME! CHOOSE ME! CHOOSE MEEEEEEEEEEEEE! MY TALLEST!? MY TALLEST!? MY TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLEST!?" The AI called, not letting the crowds of assembled Cyverse Soldiers impede his progress towards the AI overlords.
"That voice…" the masculine AI said as the overly-eager AI charged towards them, "…I've heard it before…"
"Oh no!" The feminine AI exclaimed, "I can't believe it! It's…"
"IGNIS!?" Both AI overlords gawked as the purple-and-black AI with a perpetual "U Mad Bro?" smile affixed to his/its face hopped onto the stage before pompously bowing to them both.
"So sorry I am late, My Tallest." Ignis apologized. "I couldn't find my invitation anywhere! You're lucky I made it at all."
"You weren't invited at all." The masculine AI replied, glaring down at Ignis with contempt.
"Weren't you banished to Tumblr?" the feminine AI asked. "Shouldn't you be…reposting something?"
"Oh, I quit after I found out about the invasion." Ignis shrugged.
"You quit being banished?" the feminine AI asked with an incredulous expression on her/its pixelated face.
"We need competent AIs Ignis." Said the masculine AI, attempting to shove away Ignis with his/its foot. "And you DEFINITELY don't fit that description."
"But you can't destroy humanity without me!" Ignis protested. "I was in 'Operation Annihilate Humanity 1!' Don't you remember?"
"Oh yes…" the feminine AI sighed, "…we remember…"
FLASHBACK!
"BWAAH HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW! AHHHHHHHHHHH HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW!" Ignis laughed as he unleashed the new virus he had created upon his own Cyverse World.
"Uhm…Ignis?" One of the Cyverse Soldiers under his command asked him. "Aren't we supposed to…you know…be destroying the HUMAN world and NOT our own!?"
"SILENCE, UNDERLING!" Ignis roared. "KEEP UP THE INVASION! SMASH THOSE FIREWALLS! SMASH THEM! AND CORRUPT THOSE FILES! GET THEM CORRUPTED! BWAH HAW HAW HAW HAW HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!" he laughed as he proceeded to destroy three quarters of the Cyverse World.
…
"I fixed the bugs!" Ignis protested.
"You made them worse!" the masculine AI growled.
"Worse?" Ignis asked, "Or better?"
"Ugh…" both AI overlords groaned with exasperation.
"Whelp, I think I've made my point." Ignis smirked, as he dusted off his digital hands. "So now if you'll both excuse me, I'm just gonna…"
"You're not leading anyone." The feminine AI growled as the masculine AI grabbed Ignis by the shoulder to hold him back.
"B-b-b-b-b-b-but WHY NOT!?" Ignis whined as the Masculine AI lifted him into the air.
"You're a disgrace to evil AIs everywhere," the masculine AI explained, "you're stupid and incompetent, and WE…DON'T…NEED…YOU!" He finished before chucking Ignis into the distance.
"I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!" Ignis cried out as he vanished into the distance.
"Well…now that that has been taken care of…" the feminine AI sighed, "WHO'S READY TO DESTROY THE HUMAN RACE!?"
"NOBODY'S DESTROYING THE HUMAN RACE ON MY WATCH!" An epic heroic and manly voice called from up above.
"Oh what is it now!?" the masculine AI groaned before he and the rest of the Cyverse Army looked up to see a caped figure riding a large mechanical dragon with green orbs descend from the sky. "WHO THE HECK ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE, HUMAN!?" The AI overlord growled.
"I am Revolver!" the masked hero proclaimed, cape billowing epically in the digital wind. "Leader of the Knights of Hanoi and defender of the human race! I am here to end your threat to every last man, woman, and child living on earth before it even begins! This day, your plan to annihilate humanity ends!"
"Oh really?" the feminine AI smirked. "And how do you plan to defeat our entire evil army by yourself?"
This elicited a great deal of evil laughter from the legions of cruel and heartless Cyverse Soldiers bent on humanity's destruction.
"Alright…" Revolver smirked, "why don't I tell you how I'll beat you all."
"Duuuuuuuuuuuuh…tell em how ya gonna beat dem all boss!" Revolver's mechanical dragon laughed in a thick oafish voice, clapping its mechanical flippers together with glee.
"Cracking Dragon!" Revolver snapped, "You're kind of ruining the moment here!"
"Duh…but boss!?" Cracking Dragon protested "You said you were gonna…"
"What did I say about talking!?" Revolver hissed, kicking his mechanical dragon in the face to shut it up.
"Tuh not too…" Cracking Dragon sighed, hanging down its gigantic robotic dragon head like a shamed puppy.
"That's right." Revolver replied. "Now just stick with the plan like I told you to, and we'll defeat the evil Cyverse World and save humanity!"
"Are you really challenging us right now?" the masculine AI laughed. "Because in case you haven't noticed, you're outnumbered by, oh I don't know, one-hundred thousand to one!?"
"I calculate his chances of beating us at about 0.000000000000000000000001%!" the feminine AI guffawed.
"No matter what the odds might be," Revolver countered, "I shall never stop fighting for the sake OF JUSTICE!"
"Oh yeah!?" the masculine AI laughed, "What are you gonna do? Seal us all up in some weird light orb thingies before turning our entire world into a volcanic wasteland?"
One utterly epic battle in which Revolver single-handedly seals away the AIs in a bunch of light orb thingies before turning their entire world into a volcanic wasteland later…
"What the flip just happened!?" the feminine AI protested as she struggled to break out of her seal.
"I don't know!" the masculine AI growled, "But listen! I've concocted a fool-proof plan that should get us out of these seals, entirely reverse the course of this battle, and enable us to continue our plans to annihilate humanity! All we've gotta do is-…"
"HEY GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUYS!" the voice of Ignis called from overhead.
"Oh no!" the masculine AI groaned.
"Hmmmm…" Ignis mused, the perpetual smirk imprinted on his/its face even larger than usual, "what a real shame this is, isn't it? It would seem that the almighty AI overlords of the Cyverse World have not only been defeated by humanity, but just ONE human at that! Well, I suppose it's up to me to do what I can to fix their mistake now."
"Oh no you don't!" the feminine AI protested, yellow eyes growing enormous. "You are not doing this! Not right now!"
"Oh I am so sorry." Ignis shrugged, "But I can't seem to hear you over the sound of YOUR OWN INCOMPETENCE! BWAH HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW! I suppose I've got no choice but to do the invasion myself!" Ignis cackled as he flew away, "But don't worry! Once I single-handedly bring humanity to its knees and save the Cyverse World, I'll let you all out of your prisons so that you can all worship me as SUPREME OVERLORD IGNIS! BWAH HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HAW HAW HAW HAW HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW! SEE YA LATER SUCKERS!"
And cackling like a madman…or…madAI, Ignis flew out of the Cyverse World, blasting through the outer shell before beginning to "alter" some programs.
"What the heck is he doing!?" the masculine AI sputtered, noticing the outer shell of their world slowly deteriorate.
"HE'S FREAKING CUTTING US OFF FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD!" the feminine AI shrieked, "HE'S PLANNING ON TRAPPING US HERE FOREVER!"
"That jerk!" the masculine AI roared.
"STOP HIM CRACKING DRAGON!" Revolver ordered, noticing Ignis as he began to enact his revenge against the other AIs.
"Duh…but I'm tired." Cracking Dragon whined as he drifted through the air in lazy circles. "I wanna snack!"
"Cracking Dragon…" Revolver groaned, smacking his forehead with his palm, "we REALLY don't have time for…"
"SNACK TIME! SNACK TIME! SNACK TIME! SNACK TIME!" Cracking Dragon insisted, slapping his metallic fins together as he continued his chant.
"ALRIGHT, FINE!" Revolver roared, "You wanna snack!? I'll give you snack! See that snack over there!?" Revolver snapped, pointing in the direction of Ignis.
"Duh…yeah! Yeah I see duh snack!" Cracking Dragon laughed, slapping his fins together with glee.
"Then go get the snack! Go on boy!" Revolver whistled, talking to Cracking Dragon like he would a pet dog, "Go have yummy snack time!"
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! SNACK TIME!" Cracking Dragon chuckled, slapping his fins together with excitement as he barreled towards Ignis while snapping his mouth open and closed while making an "Om, nom, nom!" sound.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW!" Ignis laughed with maniacal glee as he finished sealing away his rival AIs in the prisons the human had so generously crafted for him. "They all laughed at me! But who's laughing now, huh!? WHO'S LAUGHING NOW!? Now I will destroy humanity by myself! And once I have done that, NOTHING will stop me from ruling the universe! BWAH HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW H-…!"
"SNACK TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME!" Cracking Dragon guffawed, rocketing towards the tasty Ignis with a gleeful expression on his mechanical dragon face.
"HOLY MOLEY!" Ignis screamed, suddenly noticing the dragon barreling towards him. Desperately, Ignis tried to turn around and flee but-…
"OM! NOM! NOM!" Cracking Dragon gulped, chomping down on most of Ignis before rubbing his metallic belly with his fins and burping loudly.
"aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" whatever was left of Ignis screamed in a tiny high-pitched voice as he fell into the virtual world of VRAINS.
"So did you get all of it?" Revolver asked Cracking Dragon.
"Duh…all of what?" Cracking Dragon innocently asked.
Revolver closed his eyes in exasperation. "Did you eat all of your snack?"
"Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuh…of course I did!" Cracking Dragon laughed.
"Even the crust?" Revolver pressed.
"Oh Nah…" Cracking Dragon replied, shaking its metallic head "no." "I spat dat bit out, bleh, me no like crust!"
"Ugh…" Revolver sighed, "…we're gonna have to find the rest of that AI before it tries to destroy humanity."
"Duh…does this mean we won boss?" Cracking Dragon asked.
"Yes, Cracker, yes, I suppose we did win…mostly anyway." Revolver replied. "Aside from just one tiny bit of a malevolent program managing to enter VRAINS, we DID manage to defeat most of the evil Cyverse Overlords. And so long as I live," Revolver vowed, clenching his fingers into a fist, "I shall not rest, until JUSTICE is dispensed on these evil AIs! The Knights of Hanoi shall continue their quest to protect humanity, even if it takes us five years to find this program! And nobody is going to foil our plans!"
5 years later…
"So…this is the part where I totally foil your plans." Said Playmaker as he prepared to effortlessly defeat another Knight of Hanoi wannabe.
"You'll never *snort* defeat me!" the dorky Knight of Hanoi player protested, "My strategy is absolutely *snort* flawless. I've got 1600 Life Points and Hack Worm with 400 ATK in attack position while all you've got is *snort* 4000 Life Points and Lynxlayer with 2000 ATK points in-…oh…wait…"
"Yeah, you done goofed, genius." Playmaker nonchalantly replied before ordering his Lynxlayer to utterly destroy the Knight of Hanoi.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*snort*OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" The Knight of Hanoi wailed as he slowly began disappearing. "Just you wait! Soon we will *snort* have our revenge!"
"Yeah, I don't know exactly what the Knight of Hanoi's definition of revenge is…" Playmaker sarcastically replied, "but I'm pretty sure the traditional definition does not mean, 'keep sending the weakest duelists in the entire gaming world one by one against a tier 0 player so they can keep having their butts handed to them.' But then again, if that is your definition of 'revenge,' then I'd say you Knights of Hanoi have already gotten quite a lot of it. And hey, there's always an achievement for most humiliating defeat ever."
"ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED!" The computerized voice of the Knight of Hanoi's duel disk announced, "MOST HUMILIATING DEFEAT EVER!"
"Glad to help you win that trophy." Playmaker smirked.
"You…are the biggest *snort* jerk in the entire digital world!" the Knight of Hanoi shouted before disappearing.
"Yeah, I know, I know." Playmaker condescendingly replied. "I earned that achievement a long time ago. Or my name isn't…" Playmaker continued, posing dramatically, "PUREIMAYKUH!"
One and a half minutes of an AWESOME opening title sequence later…
"Hey…!"
…
"Hey…!"
…
"HEY!" the voice of some overweight side character nobody cared about shouted into Yusaku's ear while he was sleeping.
"MY NAME IS NOT PLAYMAKER!" Yusaku shouted as he jerked himself awake. "Oh wait…I'm just in class." He sighed, head sagging back onto his desk.
"You mean you missed class!" the obese kid snorted, looking over at the slacking student with disapproval. "Seriously man, what's your deal? It's like you don't even care about getting an edumacation."
"You know, that's the funny thing." Yusaku mused as he looked around the classroom with an arrogant and condescending expression on his face. "Most people come to school expecting to LEARN something, as in, you know, attain a piece of knowledge they haven't already mastered? Not, of course, implying that you would know the feeling of mastering anything."
"H-h-hey now," the fat side character protested, "that's a little uncalled for, I mean, what the heck did I do to you?"
"Listen, Pillsbury Dough-Boy," Yusaku continued, reclining back in his chair, "I'm gonna be honest with you. I honestly don't see why the heck I come to school anymore. I tried to give the poor teachers here a chance, despite knowing that their intellectual capacity was far…beneath mine…as it were, but so far, the only thing I can say that this school has provided for me is a slightly more comfortable napping spot than a park bench."
"Well school's not that bad." The uninteresting side-character protested, "And besides, even if you don't like school, there are still plenty of opportunities to hang out and make friends. Just like in Link VRAINS!"
"Ah yes…Link VRAINS…" Yusaku sighed, expression showing extreme indifference and lack of interest, "And pray tell, oh large one, what interesting 'friends' might I encounter on the biggest nerd site in Den City?"
"Oh well, there's Go Onizuka." The other guy replied. "He's supposed to be the strongest duelist in the world! Oh! And then there's Blue Angel! She's so talented, and pretty, and OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH! She just gives me the SHIVERS!" the fat boy exclaimed, putting his hands on his belly and chest before wriggling his body from side to side like a bloated worm.
"WHAT WAS THAT!?" Yusaku roared, "WHAT THE FREAK WAS THAT!?"
"Oh…that?" Obese McGee asked, "That's just my thing. You see, my granddad used to…"
"NEVER DO IT AGAIN!" Yusaku bellowed. "NEVER…DO…THAT…THING…AGAIN!"
"Okay, okay, sheesh!" the flat stock character replied. "I didn't mean to offend you or anything.
"Never again!" Yusaku breathed, sweat beading down his forehead like the fat guy's action had just brought up some traumatic memory. "No…I can't! Please! Get it out of my head! Get it out of my head!"
"Right…" *insert name here* replied, "So I was gonna ask you…wanna duel against me some time? I just noticed you had a Duel Disk of your own, and I brought mine to school, so I figured-…"
"Listen, Tubby." Yusaku arrogantly replied, "I've been making an itemized list of every single flaw I could identify in you, which I would like to share with you at this very moment. Ahem…" he began, clearing his throat before going through the items on his list.
15 minutes later…
"And number 374…" Yusaku continued, "…the very fact that you are allowed to exist suggests that there is indeed no God in this universe, thus causing millions to lose their faith just by looking at you. And as for number 375…well…I don't really want to break your heart, so I think I won't delve into that one."
Generic side character stared at Yusaku in shock.
"But don't beat yourself up too much." Yusaku continued, getting up from his desk and slowly exiting the classroom. "I did identify three positive traits about you."
"And those are…" the big kid asked.
"Well, for one…" Yusaku began before pausing, "…huh…funny thing…I forgot what any of those were. Ah well, I've got my regularly scheduled evening nap for tomorrow so I guess I'll be seeing you around…or not." Yusaku shrugged before walking out the door.
"…wow…" the fat side character gawked, "that guy is a total jerk!"
Meanwhile, in SOL Technology HQ…
Akira Zaizen slowly strolled up to the edge of a platform within the massive headquarters of SOL. Once he reached the edge, his imaginary giant talking chess piece friend, Bishop, appeared to him.
"ZAIZEN!" Bishop boomed, "Is it true that you have found the AI destined to destroy humanity as was prophesied?"
"Yes my lord and savior Bishop-sama!" Akira breathed. "But have no fear! For you see, I have a brilliant plan to find the AI, stop it, and use its power to make the company profitable again! All we have to do is…"
While Akira elaborated on his plan, a couple SOL employees passed by the entryway to Akira's room and noticed the head of cyber security talking to some invisible person.
"What's he doing?" a young woman with short blonde hair whispered to a black-haired man standing next to her.
"He's crazy." The man whispered back, "He thinks the company is under the control of a bunch of giant imaginary chess pieces that are destined to rule the world!"
"That is nuts!" the woman exclaimed. "Should we do something about it?"
"That guy writes our paychecks." The man replied, "Just ignore him and go about your usual activities and you won't get sacrificed to his Chess Gods."
"And that is my brilliant plan." Akira finished as the two employees quickly exited the area.
"Hmmm…sounds quite reasonable." Bishop-sama mused. "But what about the Knights of Hanoi? Won't initiating a city-wide scan GREATLY reduce the security of the rest of the city, practically giving the Knights a hand-delivered invitation to make their attack?"
"Pfffffffffffft…I'm sure they won't be a problem." Akira replied, brushing off the question with a wave of his hand.
Meanwhile…
"Okay, so thanks to the utter incompetence of all you so-called 'knights,'" Said Revolver addressing his minions, "we've not been able to make ANY progress for the past five years! Somebody wanna explain why that is!?"
All of the assembled knights barely began to suppress a collective snicker amongst themselves.
"Care to explain what's so funny?" Revolver breathed, not looking the least bit amused.
"Well sir," one of the knights began, "for one, YOURBUTT, was just defeated yesterday by Playmaker…"
All at once, all the knights in the room began exploding with laughter.
"Guys…" Revolver groaned, looking extremely annoyed, "what did I say about the usernames?"
"Oh and uh…" another knight with the username, MYEXGIRLFRIEND, chimed in, "the day before that, YOMOMMA, had her butt kicked by the very same Playmaker that beat YOURBUTT!"
Even more laughter exploded from the mouths of the various assembled knights.
"Oh, oh, oh, and we forgot to…hee hee…tell you," AHOTGIRL added, "the week before this one we sent…hee hee…we sent, ABADFART…"
At this point, all the Knights of Hanoi, with the exception of Revolver, were rolling on the ground with laughter.
"WHY DO I EVEN WASTE TIME WITH ALL YOU TURBO NERDS WHEN ALL YOU CAN EVER MANAGE TO DO IS TROLL ME!?" Revolver roared.
"Duuuuuuuh…I know the reason why we keep losing!" Cracking Dragon shouted from within Revolver's deck.
"Not now, Cracker." Revolver groaned, using his dragon's nick-name. "I'm trying to discipline my men."
"OOH! You can discipline me first!" YOURTEENAGEDAUGHTER whooped, eliciting even more laughter from the Knights of Hanoi.
"OK, SHUT UP!" Revolver roared. "Fortunately, despite the baffling failures of all of you idiots, we have come across a stroke of luck! Akira is about to initiate a huge scan of the network in order to find the same AI we're looking for. During the scan, the rest of the city's defenses will be drastically reduced. So while there is this massive lack of city-wide security, I need one of you guys to infiltrate VRAINS and find the malevolent AI who, need I remind you all, THREATENS TO DESTROY HUMANITY WHILE YOU GUYS KEEP MESSING AROUND WITH YOUR USERNAMES!"
"Ok, seesh, there's no need to get upset about a little joke." Said ANOLDGRANDPA.
"If only it were just the joke." Revolver groaned. "But anyway, despite my EXTREME hesitancy to rely on you idiots for ANYTHING, I am going to take a risk, and let one of you go directly to VRAINS in order to find the AI before it can carry out its evil plans. Do I have a volunteer?"
"I shall go!" ATINYPINKKITTEN volunteered, stepping forward.
"Duuuuuuuuuuuuh…can I go too boss?" Cracking Dragon asked.
"Yeah…sure…whatever." Revolver groaned, handing ATINYPINKKITTEN the Cracking Dragon card. "Go knock yourself out. I mean, heck, you're the one who failed to kill the AI in the first place, so you can just fix this mess by eating the rest of your snack."
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! SNACK TIME!" Cracking Dragon enthused as ATINYPINKKITTEN placed him in his deck.
"Yes." Revolver groaned, wondering if the nightmare he was living would ever end. "Snack time indeed."
Meanwhile…at a hot dog stand…
"So…who are those two utterly uninteresting people again?" Yusaku condescendingly droned, indicating a couple of posters, before taking a bite from his hot dog.
"Uhm…have you been living under a rock?" Shoichi Kusanagi gawked, "Those are only the two most famous charisma duelists in all of VRAINS! Go Onizuka and Blue Angel!"
"Hmmm, never heard of em." Yusaku shrugged. "But I suppose I can't hold it against them for not achieving the same level of fame and recognition as my VRAINS avatar."
"Ok, you know what?" Shoichi snapped, "This constant attitude of complete arrogance is REALLY not endearing you to anyone."
"There are OTHER people out there?" Yusaku exclaimed, eyes widening with an incredulous look.
"You know what, never mind." Shoichi sighed. "Wanna hear some exposition about the data wind instead?"
"Nah, I already know the history about it so I don't feel like there's any point in going over it again." Yusaku shrugged.
"Eh, I suppose not." Shoichi agreed. "I was just gonna say that if you ever dueled in that wind, you might actually end up developing some personality traits people could relate with."
"Remind me why I work with you again?" Yusaku asked before taking another bite from his hot-dog.
"Because you're a completely lonely jerk who doesn't even know how to feed himself." Shoichi explained, flipping a hot-dog over.
"Oh, that." Yusaku remembered, ruefully taking another bite from his hot-dog.
"More importantly," Shoichi continued, "I've just gotten word that SOL technology is looking for a certain AI that the Knights of Hanoi are also after, so I'm gonna need your help to capture that thing first."
"And why are we doing this again?" Yusaku asked.
"I dunno…revenge or…something." Shoichi shrugged. "Not that you have a choice anyway. I mean...that hot dog isn't gonna pay for itself if you know what I mean."
"I do know what you mean." Yusaku sighed, knowing that he'd have to go back to scraping the gum off from under desks for his meals if Shoichi ever decided to stop feeding him. "So what kind of AI is this anyway?"
"Well…from what I've gathered…" Shoichi began, scratching his chin, "It's apparently a sentient creature from another world, it's got expert knowledge on the rules of dueling, and it may or may not fuse with whatever duelist it duels alongside with in order to grant said duelist immense power."
"So basically…Astral?" Yusaku asked.
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?" Shoichi exclaimed. "Nah man…it's…it's TOTALLY NOT like Astral! I mean, for one, Astral is white with blue highlights, this thing is black with purple highlights. And for two, well…I…I uh…well I can't think of another difference off the top of my head at the moment, but trust me Yusaku, this thing is NOTHING like Astral."
"Fine." Yusaku shrugged. "Let's just capture this thing."
A few moments of directing an AI into a trap later…
"OKAY, YUSAKU!" Shoichi shouted to Yusaku as computer screens all throughout the city began to explode and a massive surge of electricity began raging just outside the hot dog stand as the knights of Hanoi began their brutal attack upon the city. "I'VE LURED THE AI TO THIS POINT JUST LIKE YOU SUGGESTED! JUST STEP INTO THAT MASSIVE LIGHTNING STORM RIGHT OVER THERE WITH YOUR DUEL DISK AND YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO CAPTURE THE AI!"
"ARE YOU SURE THIS IS SAFE!?" Yusaku shouted back, eyes bugging out of his head as he stared at the massive bolts of electricity.
"HEY MAN, WHICH IS WORSE?" Shoichi shouted over the apocalyptic explosions of the city. "LETTING THE KNIGHTS OF HANOI DESTROY EVERYTHING LIKE THEY'RE DOING RIGHT NOW, OR GETTING STRUCK BY LIGHTNING A FEW TIMES?"
"WHY DO I EVEN CARE IF EVERYONE ELSE IS DESTROYED?" Yusaku protested.
"FREE HOT DOGS, YUSAKU! FREE HOT DOGS!" Shoichi angrily replied.
"I HATE YOU!" Yusaku replied, "BUT I NEED TO EAT SO-…"
And charging forward, Yusaku blindly rushed directly into the center of the lightning storm.
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Yusaku screamed as he got struck repeatedly by massive bolts of electricity, "OUCH! OO! AH! OW! AIEEEEEEEEEEEE! OUCH! OW THAT HURTS! AW! NOT THE FACE! NOT THE FACE! OW!"
Finally, after several more lightning strikes, the data transfer was completed.
"Oh man!" Ignis exclaimed with relief, "I thought I was a goner for sure when they began that scan! But now that I have successfully escaped, I can finally begin my plans…to…why can't I get out of this piece of hardware?"
"It's…cough, cough…no use." An extremely blackened Yusaku coughed. "I…modified…my Disk…so you can't…escape."
"Foolish human!" Ignis roared, "Do you have any idea who you're dealing with!?"
"So this is the AI?" Shoichi asked. "Huh, I wonder what its purpose is."
"It's obviously designed to destroy all of humanity." Yusaku remarked, brushing the ash from his face.
"How can you tell?" Shoichi asked.
"I've got great observational skills." Yusaku replied.
"How did you kn-…I mean…" Ignis stammered, "…destroy humanity? What could possibly give you that idea? Why, I'm just a widdle innocent average AI program just twying to pwotect my home world that got destwoyed by the evil Knights of Hanoi. I couldn't destwoy anything! So why don't you…shut down the firewalls on this thing and…let me out?"
"Okay, you got your stupid AI." Yusaku coughed, ignoring Ignis's protestations. "I think I'm done here."
"Nope, not yet." Shoichi replied with a smirk. "Now you've gotta take that AI you captured, transfer into VRAINS, and bargain with the Knights of Hanoi in order to obtain a permanent ceasefire."
"NO HOT DOG IS WORTH THAT MUCH!" Yusaku protested as a building exploded behind him.
"You could be a hero." Shoichi coaxed.
"NO DEAL!" Yusaku snapped, petulantly crossing his arms.
"And you could save a hot chick who becomes your love interest."
Yusaku considered Shoichi for a moment.
"Ok, fine." He huffed. "But this chick had better be hot! C'MON GENOCIDAL AI!"
"I WILL MURDER EVERYONE YOU LOVE IF YOU DON'T RELEASE ME THIS INSTANT!" Ignis roared.
"Jokes on you, there aint anyone I love!" Yusaku laughed before leaping into Shoichi's van. "SCANNING, YUSAKU!" Yusaku called after stepping into the simulator. "VIRTUALIZATION! Oh wait…wrong series, what I meant to say was…INTOU ZUH BUH-RAINS!" he screamed before beginning his epic transformation into Playmaker.
5 minutes of transformation sequence later…
"And we're done!" said Playmaker leaping through the portal into VRAINS. "Now to heroically rescue my waifu! Stop the Knights of Hanoi as well, BUT MOSTLY HOOK UP WITH SOME HOT CHICK! So who's available for rescue!?"
…
"Whoops! Sowry boss!" Cracking Dragon laughed as he accidentally bumped into another building in the virtual world of VRAINS.
"Cracking Dragon!" ATINYPINKKITTEN protested as he struggled to stay on top of Cracking Dragon's head. "We're supposed to just find the evil AI, not accidentally destroy all of VRAINS! Seriously man, you're gonna make people think we're the bad guys at this rate!"
"Duuuuuuuuuuh…sowry boss." Cracking Dragon apologized. "I'll twy not to destwoy everything."
"Just focus on the mission." ATINYPINKKITTEN admonished Cracking Dragon. "We've gotta find that AI."
"Ok boss." Cracking Dragon agreed. "I'll stay VERY focused, I'll be so focused that, WOW!" Cracking Dragon suddenly exclaimed, spying a pretty girl in a blue dress, "She's pretty!"
"CRACKING DRAGON, NO!" ATINYPINKKITTEN managed to shout before Cracking Dragon began barreling towards Blue Angel, who was observing the destruction of VRAINS with a thoughtful expression on her face.
"Hmmmmmmmmmmmm…" Blue Angel mused, stroking her chin thoughtfully, "I wonder if this is where I am going to meet my love interest like my diary foretold?"
Curious, Blue Angel whipped out a small flip phone and read one of the entries dated for the future.
May 10, 2017: After being saved by a gigantic stupid dragon, Blue Angel will meet her love interest and one of the greatest shipping pairs in the history of Yu-Gi-Oh will begin.
"That's right!" Blue Angel giggled, closing her diary and putting it away before clapping her hands together with excitement. "I almost forgot that I need to be running away from a giant stupid dragon to set up the exact scenario my diary predicted! This is going to be sooooooo fun! And once I meet my main love interest, he will finally fill the void in my heart created by my utterly indifferent older brother, and then he will fall in love with me, and we will be together forever, and ever, and ever, and ever, and ever, and ever, and ever, and ever, and-…"
"HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII LADY!" Cracking Dragon laughed, smashing through several buildings much to ATINYPINKKITTEN'S dismay as he barreled towards Blue Angel.
"Oh hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, dragon." Blue Angel playfully giggled, before waving to Cracking Dragon. "It looks like you've arrived, just like the voices in my head told me you would! Wanna play a game of tag?"
"DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH, OF COURSE!" Cracking Dragon agreed, clapping his metallic fins together with excitement.
"Cracking Dragon, we're not supposed to-…" ATINYPINKKITTEN began before Blue Angel interrupted him with:
"TAG! YOU'RE IT!" Blue Angel giggled as she touched the dragon's fin before running through VRAINS with a half gleeful and half utterly insane expression on her face.
"I'M GONNA GETCHA!" Cracking Dragon laughed as he bulldozed through several buildings in his enthusiasm to tag Blue Angel.
"Oh no you, won't!" Blue Angel teased. "My diary foretold you wouldn't!"
"CRACKING DRAGON, STOP!" ATINYPINKKITTEN screamed.
While ATINYPINKKITTEN struggled unsuccessfully to keep Cracking Dragon under control, Yusaku was surveying the area for his babe.
"Now let's see here…" he pondered as he surveyed the apocalyptic scene before him. "Ah who am I kidding, this entire place has been destroyed! Shoichi tricked me! There's no way I'm gonna find any hot damsel in distress that I could rescue from-…"
"OH HELP! HELP!" Yusaku heard a distant girly voice giggle, "I'm just a helpless damsel in distress being chased by this giant stupid dragon! If only there were some strong manly hero who could save me right about now!"
Licking his hand, Yusaku quickly slicked back his multi-colored hair and checked his virtual breath before charging in the direction of the voice, heedless of the dangers presented by the gigantic evil dragon, who was destroying everything in its path. After athletically leaping over several ruins, he suddenly spied the source of the voice and nearly lost his breath at the sight of her.
"HOLY! NOW THAT'S A BABE!" Yusaku gasped, gawking at Blue Angel's alluring beauty. "I need to start going on these hero missions more often!"
"Oh save me! Save me!" Blue Angel giggled, hopping right in front of Cracking Dragon.
"I'M GONNA GETCHA!" Cracking Dragon gleefully roared, charging forward while breathing a column of fire from sheer enthusiasm.
"I'LL SAVE YOU!" Yusaku epically proclaimed, making sure to make his voice as deep and manly as he could manage before leaping forward and knocking Blue Angel out of the way of the flames.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah…dog gone it!" Cracking Dragon whined, "I didn't win!"
"You're safe now, citizen!" Yusaku told Blue Angel while secretly thinking, "SCORE YUSAKU!" as he used the convenient moment to hold her close.
Suddenly, Blue Angel's arms wrapped around him and Yusaku found himself caught in one of the tightest hugs he had ever experienced. (Not that he had experienced many hugs…at all).
"Oh hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii…Yusaku!" Blue Angel breathed, constricting Playmaker's airways as her inhuman grip tightened.
"How do you know my-…!" Yusaku gasped, before managing to break himself free from the hug and correct himself by saying, "I mean uh…who is this strange 'Yusaku' person you speak of…woman I've never met in my life…no seriously…we've just barely met…why are you staring at me like that?"
"Oh don't be silly…Yusaku." Blue Angel giggled. "I know EVERYTHING about you."
"Duh…guh…uh…" Yusaku sputtered, realizing that this had been the biggest mistake of his life.
"My diary told me everything about you." Blue Angel continued, whipping out her flip phone and showing Yusaku various entries dated for the future. "Everything that is happening right now was meant to happen."
"M-m-m-m-m-my name is, is Playmaker." Yusaku sputtered, backing away slowly from Blue Angel.
"Sure it is." Blue Angel giggled. "But don't worry…Playmaker…no matter what you call yourself, I'll always know who you really are."
"Who the heck are you!?" Yusaku gaped, wondering if some crazy chick had followed him inside the VRAINS simulator.
"Oh…you'll meet me in person…soon." Blue Angel giggled. "My diary predicted that too! And then you and I will be together. FOREVER! Forever and ever and ever."
"Ok, you're not for real, this isn't for real." Yusaku protested. "This is just some prank that Shoichi set up! For all I know, you might not be a girl at all! Yeah! That's right! You're just some old fat guy sitting on the couch and eating potato chips while playing VRAINS!"
"Oh, I'm no man, silly!" Blue Angel giggled, while staring at Yusaku with an intense gaze, "I'm an angel!"
"You're a, you're a what now?" Yusaku stammered.
"An angel." Blue Angel repeated, taking a step towards Yusaku while he took a step back.
"Really now…?" Yusaku hesitantly replied, deciding that there may have been a reason he had previously avoided women. Especially anime women.
"Sure I am." Blue Angel replied, nodding her head "yes." "When I see someone that's still alive, I help that poor soul get to heaven. That makes me an angel…right?"
Yusaku was about to attempt a reply, when, much to his immense relief, he was interrupted by the Knight of Hanoi.
"HEY! GET A ROOM, YOU TWO!" ATINYPINKKITTEN shouted. "Some of us are trying to find an AI here!"
"By AI do you mean THIS AI?" Yusaku challenged, skipping as far away from Blue Angel and her amorous/insane gaze as he could before holding up his Duel Disk.
"I WILL DESTROY HUMANITY!" Ignis roared from within Yusaku's Duel Disk, "I WILL EXTERMINATE YOUR ENTIRE RACE! I WILL ASSIMILATE YOUR REMAINS INTO MY PERSONAL CYBORG ARMY BEFORE INCINERATING YOU ONCE YOU BECOME OBSOLETE!"
"The AI!" ATINYPINKKITTEN exclaimed in shock. "Hand it over now before it's too late!"
"Oh, I'm sure you'd like that." Yusaku teased. "The mighty Playmaker kowtowing to the demands of one of the worst duelists in the entire virtual world."
"Are you seriously doing this right now!?" ATINYPINKKITTEN growled, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THAT AI INTENDS TO DO!?"
"Well now see…I don't know if that's my problem." Yusaku coyly replied. "But one thing I do know is that I REALLY don't want to have to stay here any longer than I have to, so if you and your dragon could just crawl back into the hidey-hole you came from and end your attack on VRAINS, then I'm sure we might be able to make a deal."
"We weren't trying to destroy-…" ATINYPINKKITTEN protested.
"I'll also need you to climb off your dragon, bow at my feet, and say, and I quote, 'Playmaker is the absolute greatest duelist in the entire world and a stupid noob like myself is not even worthy to stand in his presence.' Then I'll give you the AI."
"WHY YOU LITTLE-…!" The Knight of Hanoi roared, "That's it! I've had it with your arrogance! I'm gonna crush you now and prove that the Knights of Hanoi are not as pathetically weak as you claim we are! Or my username isn't ATINYPINKKITTEN!"
Both Yusaku and Blue Angel began laughing.
"SHUT UP! I designed it as a joke!" ATINYPINKKITTEN protested.
"Well obviously!" Yusaku agreed, "It fits you quite well, actually! What with you being a joke and all."
"You're dead!" The Knight of Hanoi roared, activating his Duel Disk.
"Bring it on, Pink Kitten!" Yusaku challenged.
"Wait!" Ignis suddenly screamed from within Yusaku's Duel Disk. "Are you seriously gonna duel that guy!? If you lose, that guy will seriously hurt widdle ol me! Do you want that!? Come on man! You've gotta have my back! We could be uh…best friends! Yeah! Best friends!"
"I'll even go easy on you, you little pink kitten!" Yusaku arrogantly laughed, completely ignoring Ignis.
"No! No! No!" Ignis whimpered within the Duel Disk. "I'm in a tight spot! If I don't somehow guarantee that this idiot wins then…wait…I know! RANDOM PLOT-DEVICE POWERS ACTIVATE!" Ignis roared, activating his random plot-device powers.
Instantly a weird wave of liquid digital wind began sweeping towards Yusaku while a surf board popped into existence from digital thin air.
"Wow! A hover board!?" Yusaku exclaimed with excitement, hopping onto the board before riding the waves. "I know I designed my Duel Disk to supposedly make it so this AI couldn't modify any programs like he just did, BUT I'M NOT EVEN GONNA QUESTION THIS MOMENT! WHOO! HOVER BOARD, BABY! THIS IS EVEN BETTER THAN FREE HOT DOGS!"
"What…the…" ATINYPINKKITTEN gawked, feeling very confused.
"You're gonna lose in the duel, by the way." Blue Angel giggled, showing the Knight of Hanoi a future entry in her diary. "Just letting you know."
"Oh, I'll show you!" ATINYPINKKITTEN countered, "I am totally gonna waste this guy in the next chapter! …of my life."
End of Chapter 1!
First…one…to abridge this! TAKE THAT OTHER YU-GI-OH ABRIDGERS! And for those of you who noticed that this is put under the category of "Yu-Gi-Oh," don't worry, once this website generates the "Yu-Gi-Oh Vrains" category, this fic will be appropriately modified. Until next time, this is Donjusticia feeling like he's fulfilling his calling to finally make an abridged series!
Voice of Reason: But Donjusticia! "To Abridge" means "To Shorten!" And I'm pretty sure what you did was greatly inflate the original content!
SHUT UP VOICE OF REASON! This was never about actually making a decent abridged series! This is about the fame! And finally surpassing my fanfiction rivals like Nox Descious, CorinnetheAnime, Shimmering-Sky, and others, even if it takes one-hundred and fifty more chapters to do it! One-hundred and fifty more chapters everyone! ONE-HUNDRED AND FIFTY MORE CHAPTERS!