Its been a long time and I apologize, and as a fair warning it will almost certainly be a long time before I post another chapter again, a lot has been happening for all of us in the past year, but today I got the motivation to finish up Chapter 6, sitting in my drive since last year. I also did a minor edit from Chapter 4 for a better timeline. instead of summer having come and gone, the story picks up in May when Ami gets her job.
Somehow I feel myself falling apart piece by piece. I feel colder even as the days get warmer.
I walked home under the deep blue of the late morning sky. Between the skyscrapers I'd catch a glimpse of silvery white. It is still definitely spring. The signs of the night's storm were still evident as I walked home. Restaurant menu signs knocked over, scraps of paper scattered in between the leaf litter, trash piling up in the gutter.
"A bit childish, but a good person".
Why on earth am I so obsessed? Even before Ryuuji started dating Taiga, even when I realized the emotions that I felt for him, I didn't ever lash out like this. Is it because he's with her now? Am I seriously getting jealous of a relationship I'm not even a part of?
No, that doesn't seem right to me either. Try as I might, I can't figure it out. Why am I so desperate now, after everything that has happened? I desperately want to find out what is wrong. I hate feeling like I'm somehow moving backwards. Practically all I've been doing is crying and moping over Ryuuji like a middle schooler upset her crush turned her down.
"Kushieda might help", I mumble out-loud. The train of logic that brought me to that conclusion isn't sound: she had a crush on Ryuuji too and she got over him, she should be able to help me out too then right? Of course I know that's absurd purely because of how different we are. The only thing Taiga, Kushieda and I have in common is our ridiculous habit of putting up a front, and no doubt if I approach Kushieda over Ryuuji she will put up that front again.
I scroll through my contacts and hover over her name. I struggle with what to say. "Want to come over? I've got some questions I want to ask", ugh. I'm making it sound like I'm bringing her into interrogation.
I settled on something simple.
"Are you free soon?"
I set my phone back down on the blankets, and bury my face into the pillows. I feel my heart race in expectation of the beep to indicate a response.
I haven't exactly been the best of friends with Kushieda, even after everything that's happened. Her running to me and crying as Ryuuji and Taiga ran down the hallway was as honest as I've ever seen her. We've hung out together since then, but it has always seemed rather forced.
Five minutes pass and still no more notifications come in.
"I'm sure she's just busy, she'll get back to me at some point".
I think about the time we've spent together since Taiga left. She seemed noticeably more confident afterwards. Whether it's another act or not, at least it seems she was genuinely able to move past Ryuuji. Though, perhaps not quite.
Fifteen minutes pass.
"Do you believe in ghosts?", she asked one time. During last year's summer break, we decided to go back up to the beach house. Everyone was there, except for Taiga of course. And I despised how such a tiny change made the entire trip feel so much more frustrating. After the first day, an afternoon spent running through the sand making castles and catching crabs, I wandered my way back inside. Ryuuji and Kitamura were busy staring out to the sunset, but I noticed Kushieda already inside.
She was in the kitchen cutting vegetables. "Hey Amin! I got tired of the sand getting everywhere! So I decided I'd come back in and see what I could make! I hope you like fried vegetables!".
I smiled and nodded, "sure do Kushieda".
Her smile quickly vanished, "is something wrong?"
"Hmm? Oh, nothing. Just thinking about last year is all. It's not… quite the same…"
"Yea… do you miss Taiga too?", she tilted her head curiously, setting down the knife on the table before turning away to wash her hands.
Through the sound of running water and cutlery being rustled around, I chuckled. "No offense to Taiga, but it isn't that I miss her ".
The sound of spoons and forks being rubbed and tossed against each other continued in the background. Shortly, the sound stops and I see Kushieda turn the faucet off.
She mumbled, "I see", before turning around and giving me that same fake smile that so often pushed me into confrontation with her, but I wasn't angry then. Did she realize what was bothering me? I'm not sure even I knew why Taiga being gone made it all seem so foreign.
"That's just how it is. Let me help you with the dishes, I'm getting hungry here!", we both decided to ignore the obvious tension. And so we stood cutting and cleaning vegetables and utensils together.
Ryuuji and Kitamura eventually wandered their way back in. "Whew, what a day! I am starving!" Kitamura exclaimed.
"Well it seems our timing is perfect!" Ryuuji noted, "it looks like Ami and Kushieda were busy while we were out!"
What was Kushieda thinking? What was going through her mind? Did she really get over Ryuuji or is this another act? What if I'm just projecting my own insecurities onto her?
I start thinking all manner of questions, the self-doubt and blame start sinking in when after another ten minutes pass, I feel my phone vibrate.
KM - "Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey let me iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin"
KA - "What the hell? I ask you if you're available, I get no response for over half an hour and you decide to just show up?"
KM - "Who cares about the details I'm freezing out here! It's cold and its windy and there's dust flying into my eyes and it's not fun!"
I get up, blankets still wrapped around me, and walk out to meet Kushieda.
"What's up?" she asks, she knows something is bothering me. Of course she does, I don't ever volunteer to hang out with just her.
"Well let's get out of the wind first".
We walk back up to my room and I sit on the bed, Kushieda stands with her hands close to her chest, her cheeks and nose rosy from the cold. As I've been learning to do more, often instead of waiting for an awkward silence I get straight to the point.
"Have you gotten over Ryuuji?", wait no, that isn't what I wanted to ask her? I wanted to ask her how!
"Oh, I'll admit this has nothing to do with what I thought was up!", she responds with a smirk.
"I'm sorry, I just blurted it out", I can feel an uncomfortable warmth building up on my face, and I turn away after making momentary eye contact.
"Awww, you can be so cute when you're flustered!" she responds, chuckling as she does.
"Oh hush… yes, I think it's obvious I still haven't moved past him. I wanted to ask you how you moved on but… here we are", I mumble as I shrug my shoulders and turn back to face her.
"Ahah, I thought you just wanted to ask me how I keep myself in such good shape!" she reaches for my top and starts pinching at my waist, "Come on! Aren't you a model? Tsk tsk~!"
"Stop it!" I push her hands away as she laughs. I wrap my arms around my waist and dive under the blankets.
"The truth is, I haven't fully gotten over him. I don't think anyone can ever get over their first love. But it isn't like I have regrets either. He's a good person and a close friend, so of course I still love him! I guess…" she pauses in thought, I pull back the sheets from over my head and rest against my pillow as I wait.
"I guess it's just not a big deal for me because I love Taiga too". She walks to the bed and sits down, face still flush as she reaches for the sheets. "I get to be friends with both of them, and I'm happy for both of them. Yes I do sometimes picture myself with Ryuuji before I wander off into sleep, but I accepted that this is the choice that my friends made. And instead of rejecting that choice, I decided to make that choice as well."
By now Kushieda is little more than a pile of blankets with a face, but then again, I'm little more than that as I rest on the pillow. I decide to sit up and wrap the rest of the blankets as we sit together and share our warmth. I think this is the cosiest I've felt in a long time.
They aren't the words I want to hear, I wanted to hear a solution, a way to get over Ryuuji, but her honesty, the kind of honesty I only ever witnessed once before, was warm.
"I guess I'm just frustrated with myself then. It's less that I haven't gotten over Ryuuji and more that I keep beating myself up for not having done so. Taiga came by yesterday, the conversation did not go nearly as smoothly as today's".
"That is Taiga for you. Don't be too harsh on her, she still has a lot of growing up to do".
I fiddle with my hands as I think about the conversation, if it could be called that. "We didn't quite fight, but the conversation wasn't exactly productive. I was frustrated, and am still frustrated, that she is with Ryuuji and seems to think it isn't enough. She doesn't realize that who Ryuuji fell in love with is the tsundere that naturally would punch him when he says he loves her. I think its stupid. Maybe even unhealthy, but she should be grateful shouldn't she?". I look out the door into the hallway she plopped down onto. I failed to notice the tiny pools of water she left behind. A trail of water leads out to the living room, tracing the path Taiga took as she walked out.
"I don't want to make excuses for her" Minori responds, "but they haven't been together for long. They both still have growing up to do, not just Taiga", she amends her earlier statement.
She leans to rest her head on my shoulder.
"Whatever happens is going to take time, you'll just have to be patient".
"You know that's not the answer I wanted to hear" I say as my shoulders sink. "But you're probably right". I breathe deeply, enjoying the warmth of her presence.
"Thanks Minori-", I pause.
"Hehe, that's the second time you call me Minori today, she stands up and playfully punches my shoulder. "Don't be afraid of talking with me more Amin, we are friends after all."
I look up at her as she steps out the door, "Take care of yourself, hope we can hang out again soon!". She darts off and I hear the sound of the front door as it swings open. "Ahhhh its still cooooold!".
The door swings back, the joints creek and the clicking of the door being closed shut echos momentarily.
"Hmm, that went better than expected".