A/N: Here it is everyone, the long-awaited sequel to Lapen!
LAPEN 2
Chapter 1: Goodbye Homeworld
Picking up where the post credit scene left off, Rebecca Sugar is freaking the fuck out.
"IT'S NOT RIGHT! IT'S NOT RIGHT AT ALL! IT'S NOT FUCKING RIGHT AT ALL! WHERE'S THE SOCIAL JUSTICE?! WHERE'S THE EROTIC FUSION DANCES?! AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF, WHERE THE FUCK IS STEVEN?!" Rebecca yelled.
"Rebecca, I tried to tell you…..this isn't in canon." Said Ian.
"This seems like some nightmarish fanfic!" Said Rebecca.
"Becky…it's no fanfic….." Said Ian.
"Then what is this…..THING?" Asked Rebecca.
"It's a….. Crack Fic." Explained Ian.
Upon hearing this, Rebecca erupted.
"A CRACK FIC?! OH MY GOD! MY POOR LITTLE STEVEN! MY POOR BABY WHOM I BASED ON MY OWN BABY BROTHER! WE'VE GOT TO SAVE HIM FROM THIS WRETCHED CRACK FIC BEFORE HE'S SUBJECTED TO MORE STUFF THAT I HATE! (Sees Lars and Sadie eating their final spaghetti strand like it's Lady and the Tramp but before they kiss, Sugar runs up and flips the table over startling the two lovers.) HAVE YOU NORMIES SEEN STEVEN?!" Demanded Sugar.
"Uh yeah he's with Lapis." Said Sadie.
"They're heading to his ex gf Connie's apartment complex." Added Lars.
"Steven with Lapis…. and not Connie? AAAGH! I'VE GOT NO TIME TO LOSE! I HAVE TO SAVE STEVEN AND CONNIE!" Sugar roared again as she bolted to Connie's apartment.
Ian then walked up to Lars and Sadie, apologized, payed for the damages and congratulated them on their relationship before chasing after Sugar.
*Connie's Apartment*
Connie is finishing a solo session in a rundown apartment for the few subs that she has on an adult site, times have been hard since her last defeat at the hands of Lapis and Steven. She gives a desperate, fake orgasm to get a few extra dollars from her subs.
"Mmmmmmmm yeah…that was…." (looks at chat and notices some subs spamming "Why don't you just get a job?" over and over again causing Connie to go all WingsOfRedemption) "HEY LOOK HERE! LOOK LISTEN! APPEARING OFFLINE DOES NOT FUCKING STOP IT! SO STOP GIVING ME FUCKING ADVICE YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT!" Roared Connie as she banned the detractors and threw her vibrator against a wall, shattering in into a million pieces.
"So yeah guys, that's it for tonight's stream, thanks for the donations, hit subscribe and (hears knock) what's that?" Said Connie as she puts on a robe, opens the door and finds a burning brown bag.
"Oh no I gotta put this out!" Said Connie as she slipped some Stripper shoes on and proceeded to stomp said bag with both shoes.
"Phew that was…..(sniff)….wait….AAAAAAAHHH EW, EW, EW, EW, EW, EW, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!" Connie screamed as she realized her shoes were ruined by the poopy contents of the brown bag. To make matters worse, her webcam was still on and her subscribers left troll comments on her livestream, even the mods were laughing it up. Just then her landlord came in with a fire-extinguisher and sprayed Connie adding more lolz.
"YOU START POOPY FIRE?! YOU EVICTED! CLEAN MESS UP ANG GET OUT CITY W'HORE!" Said the landlord in broken English as he stormed off.
Connie then crawls to her monitor (which is still on) sobs and pulls off another WINGS by saying "I CAN'T TAKE THIS SHIT NO MORE MAN!... I'm fucking lonely….I just wanna stream and…..have a good…time ...I just..." Connie said before breaking out into sobs.
*Several blocks outside of Connie's Apartment*
Having ruined yet another night for Connie, Steven and Lapis were laughing on their way home.
"STEVEN THAT WAS HILARIOUS!" Laughed Lapis.
"Yeah, Andy taught me that trick a few weeks ago! He was also nice enough to fill the bags with shit from his cows!" Added Steven.
"Yup, hey Steven, let's head home and watch some T.V. before we have some victory sex?" Lapis whispered seductively.
"Absolutely!" Replied Steven.
Just then Rebecca Sugar runs up behind Steven, picks him up in her arms, turns him around and bear hugs him.
"STEVEN I FOUND YOU! DON'T WORRY MAMA SUGAR IS GONNA MAKE EVERYTHING OKAY AGAIN!" Said Rebecca as she kept trying to shower Steven with kisses much to Steven's disgust.
"SMELLS…..AND…TASTES…..LIKE…VAPE….SMOKE….AND… EXECUTIVES' ALONG WITH PRODUCERS'….GENITALS…..WOMEN…..AND WHAT I HOPE ISN'T…MEN! LAPIS…. HELP ME!" Said Steven regarding Sugar's saliva.
"GET YOUR STICKIN' HANDS OFF OF MY HUSBAND YOU DAMN, DIRTY, SJW!" Roared Lapis as she grabbed Rebecca Sugar off from Steven.
Sugar responded by spitting into Lapis' eye, some of the spit had gum.
"EW!" Said Lapis as she wiped it off with a water arm.
"STEVEN WILL NEVER BE WITH YOU, HE WILL ALWAYS BE WITH CONNIE!" Roared Sugar.
"Haven't you read this crack fic? Steven and I are married! Connie's a cam whore!" Explained Lapis.
"Exactly! If you don't like it, then don't read it. Different authors can have different interpretations of characters, especially in fan/crack fiction!" Said Steven defiantly as he and Lapis kissed.
Enraged, Sugar grabs Steven and Lapis by their throats.
Amused Sugar was all "BLASPHEMY! I'M GOING TO TEAR DOWN THIS CRACK FIC! CHAPTER BY CHAPTER, SENTENCE BY SENTENCE, WORD BY WORD, AND REBUILD IT INTO THE MOST PRO STEVONNIE/ANTI-LAPEN FANFIC THE INTERNET HAS EVER SEEN AND WILL NEVER BE TOPPED AGAIN! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"REBECCA!" Said Ian.
"ARGH WHAT IS IT IAN?! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT MY BODY AND I ARE BUSY HERE?! IF YOU NEED SOME RELIEF, USE SOME KLEENEX ALONG WITH A PORTRAIT OF ME AND….." Said Rebecca.
"No it's not that, it's about Homeworld!" Said Ian.
"What about Homeworld?!" Asked Rebecca, her grip still strong on Lapis and Steven.
"President Trump, Putin, and every other world leader on Earth…. THEY'RE GOING TO DESTROY HOMEWORLD!" Said Ian.
"What? That's impossible, probably some FOX news and Alex Jones bullshit." Said Rebecca.
"It's not only FOX, but also CNN, ABC News and even The Young Turks!" Said Ian.
"Wait…even the Mainstream Media?" Asked Rebecca.
Before Ian could even nod, over a dozen nukes were launched into space. Their target: Homeworld.
Steven, Lapis, Sugar and Ian look up at the departing rockets in the night sky, confirming that numerous world leaders including President Trump have agreed to take action against Homeworld for their connections with Kevin in the previous story.
*Gem Warship above Homeworld, Holly Blue Agate's trial*
"MY DIAMOND PLEASE FORGIVE ME!" Begged Holly Blue Agate.
"SILENCE!" Roared a disappointed Blue Diamond while crying like an emo, in which Yellow had to take over.
"For allowing the Crystal Gems into a classified facility, you are hereby stripped of your rank and shall be cast aside/barred from Homeworld forever!" Declared Yellow Diamond.
"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Holly Blue Agate sobbed like a bitch.
"Carnelian, I am placing you in charge of the Human Zoo, you'll get all of Holly's guards and perks, along with a pay raise." Said Yellow as she congratulated Holly's former servant.
"AWESOME THANKS! REPRESENT!" Carnelian said as she threw a gang sign which Yellow and Blue responded with gang signs as well.
Holly could only watch in horror as Carnelian gave her the middle finger and left for the zoo.
"You had one job Holly….ONE FUCKING JOB!" Said Yellow as she pushed a button which teleported the dishonored, screaming Holly towards Earth to live out her exile.
"Worthless disappointment." Yellow muttered.
"My Diamond we are receiving a transmission!" Said one of Yellow's Pearls.
"Excellent, let's play it." Said Yellow.
A monitor showed up and it displayed Emerald (accompanied by Hessonite) who said, "My Diamonds, I have put down a fusion uprising against our colony on planet number….."
"MY DIAMONDS!" Came a sprinting Blue Pearl who was beyond horrified.
Yellow Diamond was all "BLUE PEARL WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MEANING OF….?"
But Blue cut her off with, "My Blue Pearl, what is wrong?"
"My Diamond…..it's Kevin…" Said The Blue Pearl.
"What about him?" Asked a concerned Blue Diamond.
"Kevin was exposed by Lapis and Steven Universe! He escaped but was recently captured along with his phone! THE SAME KEVIN WHO PROMISED US THOSE QUESTIONABLE PICTURES!" Explained the Blue Pearl.
"If Earth's Military tracks Kevin to us….." Said Blue Diamond.
"Then that means…." Added Yellow Diamond.
A sudden beeping came on.
"My Diamonds, scanners are picking up numerous objects heading towards Homeworld…" Emerald said as she realized what was going on.
Everyone onboard paused.
Upon jailbreaking Kevin's phone, the Beach City Police Department (BCPD) informed President Donald Trump of Kevin's connections with the Great Diamond Authority. Upon being notified, President Trump orders the military to nuke Homeworld. Not wanting to be one-upped, Russian President Vladimir Putin fired several nukes along with a Tsar Bomba. Wanting to help, China's General Secretary Xi Jinping assists by firing 6 nukes as well. French President Emmaniel Macron fires some nukes, British Queen Elizabeth II orders her prime minister Boris Johnson to fire nukes at Homeworld, Israeli President Reuven Rivlin fired 2 nukes, and North Korea along with Iran each tried to launch a nuke at Homeworld but both were duds.
Having absolutely no idea what nukes are or the catastrophic danger they pose, the Diamonds didn't know how to deal with them.
Millions of Gems were instantly incinerated while countless more suffered from nuclear fallout and radiation burns from the first strike, followed by the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th and 12th strikes. The once technologically advanced structures, facilities and monuments were obliterated in a matter of seconds. The ones that remained were all twisted, scorched and unrecognizable. The streets were littered with ashes, poofed gemstones and even gems who were succumbing to radiation. Agonizing screams, melting faces and bleeding eyeballs were some of the last things the citizens of Homeworld felt before poofing themselves. For the ones who hadn't died yet, chaos and rioting broke out. Many fought for supplies, weapons and money but most fought to get off Homeworld. Four more Nukes detonated but this time in the asteroid belts, causing numerous asteroids to be sent hurtling towards homeward at very high speeds, increasing the death toll substantially.
Although Yellow and Blue Diamond had been on their warships with several battalions of loyal Pearls and Gems, they could only watch in terror as their Crystal Empire which stood the test of time for fuck-knows-how-long, collapse right in front of them. And to make matters worse, White Diamond was in her palace which had also been at the center of the 1st nuclear strike. Without warning, she was amongst the first to die.
As the Gem nuclear holocaust intensified, Yellow and Blue Diamond's ship was damaged by the blasts. With no other alternative, the remaining Diamonds fled for the far reaches of space in search of refuge whether it be a space station or some outpost, anything to escape their dying home.
Having already been cracked, Homeworld splintered even more when a 2nd Tsar Bomba (bigger than the last) hit the planet's core. As a result, a chain reaction occurred where the planet broke into several more pieces. Half were drawn right into a nearby star and incinerated while several more pieces got sucked into a black hole. Two chunks remained but one of them was destroyed by numerous asteroids. The last piece was able to orbit said star without getting sucked in.
As quickly as the attack commenced, it had ended by reducing Homeworld to a rock chunk the size of the map for Fallout 3.
To Earth, it looked like a distant light show, but numerous advanced NUKE-PROOF Trump space camera robots were able to capture the carnage and destruction as they relayed everything back to the 3rd planet from the Sun.
*Earth – Street our heroes are at with Ian and Sugar*
As the explosions ended, Steven, Lapis, Sugar and Ian notice a T.V in a store is on and displays Trump's response to Nuking Homeworld. Sugar releases her grip and rushes o the T.V.
President Trump makes the following address: "Following a break from Kevin's phone, I have met with several world leaders and have authorized a pre-emptive strike on the Diamonds. With Homeworld destroyed, our children will sleep peacefully, knowing that the worst scourge since Anilingus has been stopped. But the fight is not over yet: there still over a dozen confirmed Homeworld settlements on other worlds, still in operation. And while White Diamond has been killed, her allies Yellow and Blue Diamond are still at large, along with several fanatic supporters. Many of whom are thirsty for conquest, plunder, the eradication of all non-gems and as of now, revenge. By working with our fellow nations, I plan to create a defense system to keep the remaining Gems from threatening our great home with ships, lasers and even life-draining kindergartens. I understand that there are several reformed Gems whom live and walk amongst us. Having proved their citizenship and renouncing Homeworld, no harm shall befall any of them. Despite our differences, we all must stand together and keep the remnants of The Great Diamond Authority from invading our beloved home. God Bless you all."
As the speech ended, Sugar just kept staring at the T.V.: Countless Gems, cities and even a whole culture, wiped from existence. Radiation altering their genetic make-up, Gems bleeding, vomiting and having their faces dissolve right off of their skulls. As the agony continued, the screen transitioned to the man responsible for all of this: Orange President Donald John Trump.
"Rebecca?" Ian asked cautiously.
Without warning, Sugar kicks through the glass, grabs the $1,147.00 flat screen T.V. lifts it up as Trump shakes hands with other world leaders over nuking Homeworld and roars "FUCK YOU TO HELL! YOU RACIST, MYSOGINISTIC, GENOCIDAL OOMPA LOOMPA!" as she slams the TV screen-first onto the pavement, shattering it into a now worthless pile of junk before stomping/jumping up and down on it.
"HOMEWORLD MEANT EVERYTHING TO ME!" Roared Sugar.
Before anyone could comfort her, Rebecca started to grow bigger and stronger as if she were Hulking out, her shirt struggling to stay intact.
Steven and Lapis are saying "Please don't rip, please don't rip, please don't….."
Much to their dismay, Sugars shirt ripped open and the bra-less feminist animator, flashes our heroes.
"OUR EYES!" Lapis and Steven cried out.
"Wish I had some Kleenex." Ian thought to himself.
"SUGAR HATE LAPEN SHIPPING, SUGAR SMASH LAPEN SHIPPING!" Hulk Sugar roared with a huge grin as she beat her bare chest like King Kong her normal a-b boobs were now like war drums as she banged a threat display.
A/N: Not enough bleach, not enough fucking bleach for that image.
But right before Sugar could deliver the final blow, Sugar started to weaken. It turns out that Homeworld provided Rebecca a huge chunk of her powers but with it gone, Sugar was running out. And her Hulk Form only had her drain said energy faster.
Seizing the opportunity, Lapis took her top off and shoved Steven's face into her perfect rack causing Sugar to shield her eyes.
"DWAAAAAAAHHHHH LAPEN MAKES SUGAR'S BRAIN AND SOUL BLEED! AND IN A BAD WAY!" Sugar roared as she began to cower and shrink.
Keeping things up Lapis started talking all lovey-dovey and naughty to the point where it would make Bree Olson seem innocent in comparison.
Unable to take anymore, Sugar shrank back to her normal size, in whimpering in fetal position.
As Lapis put her top back on, she and Steven walked up to Sugar and were all "Look Rebecca, we just want to make sure that everything is….."
Then all of the sudden Ian tossed a smoke grenade he kept in his pocket at Lapis and Steven. As the smoke cleared, Ian and Sugar were gone. All that remained were the torn upper garments of Sugar.
Several cop cars pulled up and inspected the scene of the crime. A hazmat team was summoned to collect samples from Sugar's garments not only to preserve the evidence, but to also keep people from getting sick from said garments.
After giving their statements, Steven and Lapis are allowed to return home, even stepping on an old poster promoting the episode "Change Your Mind."
*Barn*
Steven and Lapis thank the babysitter for watching their children as said sitter heads home. Once the sitter Leaves, our lovers head to their bedroom. (Peridot "Clod" and Pumpkin are on vacation via Timeshare)
*Bedroom*
Steven is on the bed as Lapis approaches seductively.
Lapis is all "Hey Steven, (strips robe down to sexy lingerie and walks over to her husband on the bed) let's…..."
The moment is ruined as crying emerges from the baby monitor for the 100th time this week, causing the new parents to groan.
A few minutes later and Lapis is breast-feeding Steven the 2nd as her husband uses a custom breast-feed strap for men to hold the milk bottle as he feeds Grace. The couple are walking in a counter-clockwise pattern opposite from each other as they feed their children. They are also avoiding all the scattered toys and kid books on the floor as if they were landmines.
As the parents circled, the shelves contained numerous photos and newspaper articles of their previous adventure(s) from the original LAPEN crack fic. Satisfied, Lapis and Steven's two little angels fell asleep and were placed in their cribs. Having trolled Connie, witnessed Homeworld being nuked to Holy Hell, surviving Rebecca Sugar's Hulk Meltdown (too much skin) and finally getting their children to sleep, our heroes return to their room.
"Hey Steven?" Said Lapis.
"Yeah babe?" Replied Steven.
"What do you think Chapter 2 holds in store for us?" Asked Lapis who was a bit nervous.
"Well Lapis, I'm not sure but until then (Places hands under Lapis' bra and fondles her boobs) no one's grabbing your boobs but me!" Said Steve.
"He-he-he…. Thanks Darling." Lapis cooed as she kissed her husband's lips before they both fell asleep in each other's loving embrace.
(EXTRA SCENE - 5-6 years later)
*Shitty part of town*
A middle aged business man is sprinting from a rundown apartment complex; he is fastening his belt.
"HEY WHERE'S MY $250?!" Roared Connie the prostitute.
Having lost her apartment and having no Minnesota Vikings sugar daddies like the previous story, Connie had to resort to prostitution.
Just then a car pulled up next to Connie and opened the door allowing her to hop in.
(Thinking it's her pimp) "Look Daddy….I was going to pay you the money… but my client went all chicken shit on my ass and bolted…..please…..please don't hit me again!" Begged Connie.
A glass panel between the driver and passenger side lowered and revealed a figure dressed in all dark complete with a voice changer sitting shotgun.
"Don't fret Connie, you're ol' Daddy has been rubbed out, check the bag." Said the figure.
As Connie checked the bag she found an eyeball, nose, what looked like a human heart and even a face, all belonging to her former Pimp Daddy.
"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Screamed Connie as the soundproof windows rolled up and doors safe-locked.
"Now, now, now child I said don't fret!" Said the Voice in a calm, yet serious demeanor.
"Okay, what the Hell do you want from me?" Asked Connie.
(Regular demeanor) "Oh nothing really I just want to improve your life and grant everything that was stolen from you." Said the voice.
"Really? But…..what do you want in return?" Asked Connie.
The voice hands out a black and white picture of Steven and Lapis on their wedding day along with several other pictures. What strikes Connie about the wedding photo is that Lapis and Steven have Red X's on their faces.
"We have common enemies, help me take them out, and not only will I fix your entire life but rather, I'll improve it! Steven? DEAD! Lapis? DEAD! (Connie looks to next photo) Their bitch pets? DEAD! (next photo) Red-neck family? DEAD! (Next Photo as she smiles) And even their little angels? (Chuckles) DEAD AS A FUCKIN' DOOR NAIL!" The Voice laughed maniacally as Connie laughed as well.
"Fuck yeah I'll help! I've been meaning to get back at them for everything they've done to me! DEAL!" Connie said as she shook the figure's hand.
"Excellent! And don't worry (Driver pulls into an abandoned factory that's a secret lair) The figure (Wearing a gangster suit with a golden, Japanese Dragon mask and a black fedora) and don't worry, I believe you've been acquainted my crew!" Said the Masked Figure.
At that moment, all of Steven and Lapis' arch nemesis' from last time stepped into the light, they were all sprung from prison! Except for DarkSydePhil, he would just fuck things up like he did before.
And with that, the bad guys all laughed evilly!
"WHAT?! YOU JEWS DIDN'T INVITE ME?! ACK, ACK, ACK, ACK, ACK!" Phil said with a snort as he wandered into the lair.
"What are you doing here?! Didn't you just read the last paragraph?! YOU'D JUST FUCK THINGS UP!" Roared the figure.
"PFFFT CAM OOOOON! I CAN TOTALLY (neck is hit by sleeping dart) DUUUUUD BUGGED….Memory….wiping….tranq…" DSP trailed as he fainted.
The Masked Figure then called the guard to dump Phil's bum body on Boardwalk where he belongs. Once the guard returns, the villains resuming laughing all evil like.
A/N: WHEW! New record for longest chapter I've ever written! Anyway I'm sorry that this took way longer than I had anticipated. I hold a special place in my heart for Lapen (I still like my other work as well) so I wanted to give it proper treatment! When I posted Lapen back in April, I had no idea it would get so much attention and support so for that I thanks you all. Anyway, I'm planning on getting Chapter 2 up sometime next week. Take care and I'm glad to be back on this story!