summary: Aramis recovers and decisions are made.

a/n: Thanks to Issai for being willing to beta read this story still even after I disappeared for more than a year. Any remaining mistakes are mine.

Decisions

-48-

Recovery for Aramis comes in irritating stops and starts, falling and stumbling, a lot of times, quite literally. It's not sudden and there are no miraculous breakthroughs, though Constance is about as patient with him as she can be considering he forced himself on her.

He eats, cleans his plates even though he feels little in the way of hunger. He's stubborn not stupid. He knows that's the only way he's getting out of the hospital. The panic attacks fade but never go away. He refuses to talk about them but doesn't delude himself into thinking that they're gone forever. He knows their cause

In all of it though, he's stayed away. Constance wants him to talk with Porthos, Athos, and d'Artagnan. She passes on their well-wishes and inquires but he has nothing for her to return. She tells him things regardless and he can't help but listen. Athos' continued depression makes him worry but he tells himself that's because he's human. He worries some about d'Artagnan, who's stuck in the middle of this. Porthos is still angry, Constance tells him, and it's wearing. Treville has reduced their caseload and put them on reduced hours but none of it seems to be helping.

Aramis should be itching to get back to work, back to helping them. Any other time and he would be bucking the doctor's orders to get back on active duty but he never broaches the topic. He knows that Constance realizes this but has the common sense to not bring it up. Fortunately, even when he's released to desk duty by his doctor, Richelieu still insists on a psych evaluation and that his hearing before the board goes forward. He acts frustrated but Constance knows him well enough that she sees through it.

He exchanges random emails with d'Artagnan. Sometimes they're short and far too brief, other times, he goes on asking about the young man. He gives nothing away about himself other than he's fine. He ignores anything else from them, texts, calls, invitations to meet with them through Constance. Aramis doesn't know what to say to them. None of them seem to understand the loss of trust between them. If it'd been five years ago, back when he was just off the streets and still getting himself in order physically and mentally, he would understand their doubt but now it hurt. He knew from the beginning that he'd been right and their inability to see that had put him here.

Although he'd been released to desk duty, Farmeth was unsure if he'd qualify for active duty. His lung capacity was still down and he tired far too easily, growing lightheaded and nauseous. Getting around Constance's apartment and going to his PT appointments was doable, but the few times he's tried jogging, he's wheezing before getting more than a half a mile out and he spends the rest of the day useless on the couch. And the one time he pushed himself, he'd made a breathless call to Constance to come to pick him up. She found him all but collapsed in an alleyway, not caring about the soggy trash soaking his clothes. He spent nearly a week in bed after that and only some of it was out of self-pity.

He hasn't mentioned it to Constance. She's picked up on some of it undoubtedly, but she still has confidence that he'll return to active duty. He might, he thinks. There is some chance of getting everything back; he has defied the odds before but he can't find the energy to do it now. There's disappointment and anger. His body has been ruined by what Leslie and Megan did and no lawsuit, no matter of jail time will ever bring that back. If only they'd listened.

It all comes to a head when he goes to Constance's graduation. He accepts the invitation without thought but soon realizes that everyone is going to be there and he doesn't know what he's going to say but he also knows that he wants to go. Constance has worked hard for her degree and he considers her a good friend, family even and he can't fathom the idea of missing out on that.

So he goes and he tries to avoid them. It makes him jumpy and anxious and he can't focus on the ceremony. He doesn't even realize when it's over until Constance comes up to him.

"Hey, you doing okay, Aramis?" Her voice is gentle but he hears the firmness that tells him that it's not the first time she's tried to get his attention.

"Yeah. I'm fine." He shakes his head lightly, trying to clear his thoughts. It works for a second and then he remembers where he's at.

"The others are taking me out for dinner. Do you want to come?"

Aramis hesitates for a moment, his brain taking time to catch up. Then he shakes his head.

"No, but thanks. I… I really don't think today's a good day and I don't want to ruin your special day."

"Really, 'Mis? That's what you're going to do?"

Aramis knows Porthos' gruff voice and he can't help freezing at the sound of it.

"I told you that I'd meet you guys there. At the very least I need to take Aramis home," Constance chides Porthos lightly.

"No, it's alright, Constance. I can get myself home." Aramis waves her off as he stands.

"Aramis," she turns to him to speak quietly. "You know that you're not cleared to drive yet."

"Then I'll take the bus or an uber. Just go enjoy yourself."

"Stop it, Aramis," Porthos says, interrupting their conversation. "You're being a martyr. Just get over it and come with us."

Aramis is silent for a long moment, staring at Porthos as he tries to process what he's heard.

"Aramis, let it go and go home," Constance tells him again.

"No, no. Porthos do you really think I'm being a martyr? Is that what you all think? That I'm just doing this for the attention?"

"Yes. It's done and over. We caught the guys so you can come back home. I don't understand why you're hiding out at Constance's anymore."

Aramis sighs, biting back a quick retort.

"We just want you back home, Aramis. Athos and d'Artagnan they need you. Athos especially. You haven't seen him."

"What about what I need, Porthos? What about what I needed? Did any of you even think about that when you were making all of those decisions for me? When you decided it was all in my head, that it's just crazy Aramis seeing things again." Aramis is on his feet, his voice rising. He can't help it even though he feels his weak legs start to shudder underneath him. He forces his knees to lock. He'll pay for it later but he's not backing down now, not when resolution seems in sight.

"And what would you really have done in our position, 'Mis? We gave it all due diligence. We looked but there was nothing. What were we to do then?"

"Listen to me instead of shuffling me off to some doctor that I didn't even have a choice in and force pills in me that nearly killed me. Do you even know that I'm never going to be the same anymore? And it's not like it was my choice, Porthos. You guys, my friends, did this to me. I'm never going to be a Musketeer again. Did you know that?"

Porthos stares at him.

"But Constance said that you were coming back," he finally says, voice devoid of the anger he'd had seconds ago.

"To desk duty. Dr. Farmeth isn't sure that I will ever meet the qualifications to be on the streets again."

"So you don't. You're smart and see things others don't. You can still be a Musketeer even if you don't qualify."

Aramis pauses. Porthos isn't listening.

"Would you want that, Porthos?" He meets Porthos squarely in the eyes. His friend can't even muster an answer. They both know it though. Aramis looks down. "I'll make it official later, but I'm done. I'm resigning."

"Don't do this, 'Mis. There's a place for you there. We'll make it work."

"It's not just that. I just… I don't think I can be comfortable there anymore. Not with everything that's happened."

It's Porthos' turn to sigh.

"You're sure about this?" He knows there's no hope in convincing Aramis to change his mind. Their friendship might be shattered but he still knows that tone. Aramis has set his mind and he's not going to budge.

"Yeah. Yeah, I think it's for the best."

"You going to come home, at least?"

"It's not my home anymore, Porthos." Aramis can't help the tears that start to form at the thought of never going back. He'd never felt more comfortable and safe than when he was there. The three of them understood him in a way that very few outside of his family did and it pains him to know that he'll never find that again.

"What can I do, 'Mis?"

"Pack up my stuff. I'll come by to get it before I leave," Aramis says quickly.

"No…" Porthos starts.

"Please, Porthos. If you ever cared, then please do this."

"I don't like it."

"You don't have to but respect my wishes this time." It's an unfair jab, but Aramis doesn't care. He hates this and already feels himself adrift just like when he was discharged from the military. It's frightening and he feels his stomach drop, the ever so slight start of a familiar despair appearing. He pushes it aside for the moment.

"Now, if you'll excuse me. I need to go take care of a letter," Aramis says, forcing his tired body to walk and not betray him. It's an effort but he's not going to collapse in front of Porthos. He keeps walking until he's no longer at the park where the ceremony was held until he can't hear them and is sure they're not following, not even Constance. He feels bad for leaving her to deal with the aftermath of this, but he had to go. He finally collapses on a bench and realizes that of all the areas of Chicago that he knows, this is one he doesn't.

Fortunately, he still has his phone and calls for an uber. Busses are passing him by but he knows he can't take one. He's just keeping himself together at the moment. An uber isn't ideal but he needs to get back to Constance's so he can take care of his business.

So, he breathes and counts and talks to himself about the things he sees around him. It distracts him and he finds himself a little proud that he's grounded himself. Maybe he can do this after all.

The uber comes quickly and the woman is happy to take him back to Constance's. It'll be a high fare but he doesn't care. He has to get this done. The woman tries to talk to him at first but he can't carry on a conversation, no matter how trivial, and keep himself grounded. Thankfully she gives up and focuses on the traffic. He uses the traffic to remind himself of where he's at. There are way too many white SUVs, he thinks and they all look the same. How does anyone find their own car?

His fare is deducted from his account and he nods and waves as she thanks him. He's in the building before she drives off. It's a familiar smell and for a second, he thinks about just staying here. Constance probably wouldn't mind. By the time he's ascended the steps, he convinces himself that it's not a good idea and not fair to the one friend he has left. What he's going to do isn't fair either but he's out of options.

Sending the resignation letter is easy. He just has to add the date and his signature then he attaches it to the email and sends it to Treville. He goes to his room to pack the clothes he has there and other personal possessions. He's gotten quite comfortable here, he realizes as he's stuffing clothes and books into his backpack and suitcase. It won't fit and even if it did, he realizes that he can't carry it. Just the walk up the stairs winded him. He stops, upending the backpack. The contents drop back on the bed. Then he starts again with the essentials. A change of clothes, a few days worth of boxers and socks because a shirt he can wear for a few days but underclothes need to be changed more often. He adds his toothbrush and toothpaste and finds some travel shampoo that Constance had from a trip. On top of that, he takes his Bible, a notebook, and a book.

His phone goes off. It's been ringing from calls and texts from everyone. Word's gotten out.

Then he remembers the phone charger. There's just enough room for it.

It's been a couple of hours since he left. He's surprised Constance isn't here. He's surprised that none of them are but then they probably think he's wandered off somewhere nearby to have a panic attack. Then his phone flashes with an alert. It's his face. Everyone has been told to be on the look out for him. He's not a danger to anyone but he might be to himself and should be approached with caution. It makes him sound like a menace, a deranged person that needs to be locked up.

Leaving is easy after that. He can't be here. He grabs a jacket, hat, and umbrella because he might be a menace but he's not stupid. He can look after himself. He'll show them.

a/n: I've had this chapter written for a while, but hesitated in posting because I know that it's not what everyone expected. It's not what I expected in writing this story. This takes such a divergence from where I'd planned on taking the story. As different as it is, though, I do like where it's going. Every time I sat down to work on this chapter, I hated what I had. I don't know how many versions there are. This though breathes new life into the story and universe for me. I have some new plans for Aramis and I think it's going to make for a more interesting character development. One thing that I will reassure you of, the brotherhood may be fractured now, but it will come back. It didn't break in a day, so we can't rebuild it any quicker.

I think that there are two more chapters after this one if chapter 50 plays out like I want.