Chapter 14: Doll
Tabetha Baronet's POV
6:57, Thursday, May 22
San Diego, CA
See, the sad thing is, I was having this real pleasant dream about a penguin when Erica woke me up.
"Inconceivably irresponsible, dangerous to your health - it would've at least been better if we had known all the people you invited over to our house!"
Erica had waited until all the other kids left to yell at Juniper. He sat on his bed, alone, staring at the floor, his face shielded by a curtain of black hair. All the other people he'd invited - Alice, Vanessa, Poeu, and two kids named Nico and Bridget - had been gone for a little while. Apparently, they had all spent the night here; not really sure how I feel about that, but I know Erica wasn't happy.
"It would've at least been better if we knew everybody who was there, but we didn't! And I don't even know how well you know some of them!" Erica cried, pacing back and forth. She had her hands thrown in the air, and tears were streaming down her cheeks in thick lines. "And after the stress and chaos of having not only one, but two recent seizures, nearly drowning and getting hypothermia, and having to go to the hospital, you'd think I'd come home and have you at least listening to what I was saying!" Juniper still wasn't saying a word.
Erica knelt in front of the bed, where June was sitting. "Doll, please, you don't know how precious you are to the both of us. You are just as much our child as Sunshine and Opal are. We love you. If you ever have any doubts about that, please, let me know. Because you are breaking my heart with this. I only want you to be safe. That's what I want most in the world."
I came and sat next to her, wrapping one arm around her and putting one arm on June's knee. "She's right, Little Man. We care about you, but you've gotta take care of yourself too. There's nothing wrong with having friends over, but-"
Erica jolted up, her grey blue eyes panic stricken and her thin bottom lip quivering ever so slightly. "No, no, Tabetha, he can't have his peers over. All this staying up late is causing seizures, and, well, I don't want you to take this into too much offense Juniper, but I don't think they're a great influence on you."
He looked up ever so slightly, just enough so we could see his face, the dark circles under his blue eyes and the tears glistening in the lower half of them very apparent. "Really?" Erica nodded in response, choking on tears, and Juniper wiped one eye clean of teardrops. "Why?" -
"Pulling you into something like this! Destroying your bedroom! Letting you be underwater for twenty minutes and nearly DROWN!" She opened her arms and eyes wide.
"But I invited them here. I encouraged them to take apart the room." Juniper pressed one hand to his heart. He didn't mention the surfing incident, but he glanced out the window nervously, his teeth gritted.
I chuckled a bit, squeezing his palm as I laced my fingers with his other hand. "The decor wasn't that bad." Juniper smiled a bit, but more tears fell.
Erica rested her head on her hands, which she folded underneath her on the end of the bed. "Oh, Juju, you just aren't thinking straight."
Juniper awkwardly shifted, then lifted his head fully for the first time. "Moms, I need to tell you something. And please-try not to be too weirded out by this."
"It's okay," Erica promised, perching next to him on the bed.
I jumped up and sat on his other side, wrapping my arm around his shoulders. "You can tell us anything. We're ready."
Juniper took a few deep breaths, then started. "So it all started when I got these...dreams. That I was underwater. That someone was pulling me under and that they wouldn't let me go. I only got them after I had seizures, the night after, or that night, usually. But on Friday, almost a week ago now, when I went under, I swear, I felt someone, the same someone, pulling me towards the bottom of the ocean. And this might sound crazy, but…"
"But what?" Erica prompted. She was rapping her nails on the side of the bed, nervously watching our son.
"Well, I...remembered. I remembered something. I saw a vision of myself as my past self. I saw places that I recognized and heard voices and names that I recognized. Raphael, a-and Donatello. I-I had this whole other life, and it's coming back to me now, and I wasn't sure how to tell you before, because…" Teardrops ran down his face, his chest was heaving up and down and his figure was trembling.
"...Because?" Erica queried, her voice even quieter than usual, like a distant ringing in my ears.
"Because I wasn't sure if I could trust you or not." His voice was tiny, even quieter than hers. He looked up, wiping tears out of his eyes. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I-it's not just you guys. I didn't know if...if it was safe to tell you."
"Safe? Why wouldn't it be safe to tell us?" I had many, many questions, but this was the topic that had been bothering me the most.
"I found something in my room- okay, well, Nico found it. But we think it was a camera."
My face blanching, I jumped back. "What, like somebody was...watching you?"
Juniper, his face bright red, nodded and looked at the ground. Erica continued to watch him, silently and pensively quiet. I wondered to myself why she wasn't making a huge deal out of this.
He hesitated for a while before telling us. "As my past self, my life was...different. More dangerous. I didn't want anybody getting hurt."
"What kind of danger, Juniper?" I asked, but he hung his head low again, as if he was held down by sacks of lead. "What kind of danger?" I asked again, softer, but he acted as if he didn't hear me. I wrapped my arms around him, closing my eyes and trying to ignore the aching of my heart. I tried to tell myself it was okay, that we knew there was a chance of him having a rough life. Ever since nobody came for him in the hospital, we knew that there was a high chance he came from an abusive or neglectful home, or some similar situation. It wasn't a conversation we ever wanted to have to undertake with June, but clearly, it was one we waited until too late for.
"I'm not entirely sure," he finally answered. "It was confusing, seeing my past without any context. But it made me feel like something."
"Like what?" Erica asked, a note of what may have been sadness or bitterness in her voice.
"I already said, I'm not entirely sure. But it made me feel like I wasn't just an idle doll. Like I actually meant something, like I was more capable."
Erica sat up, pushed away from Juniper and I, and looked at the two of us. There were tears shining in her eyes, and her hands were trembling a bit. "Juniper, you are going to hate me for this, but I think we should pull you out of school."
"What?" Juniper cried, his eyes flying open. "Mom, no!"
I sat up as well, appalled. "Erica, dear, I'm not sure that's the best course of action."
Barely keeping her calm composure, Erica switched to standing. "Juju, we've known for a while that you've always had troubles with your mind. But...seeing things. Am I really supposed to allow this?"
"But Mom, I'm not seeing things, I'm remembering things."
"What kinds of things are you remembering, Juniper? And how well are you remembering them?"
"I-I remembered somebody...my dad I think, making soup. A-and me and another boy my age playing together and making a comic. Watching tv with my...friends? And a car crash. A huge car crash."
Erica sighed pityingly and shook her head. "Juniper, we have no way of knowing if those are memories or not, unless you can recall what the people's faces and names are. However, while it is possible for you to remember on your own, in your particular case, with the rest of your head trauma, it's very unlikely."
"I-" he hesitated, and gazed at the ground. Then he held his breath and looked up again before continuing. "I don't remember anyone's faces. But-"
"If this was a memory that you happened to be reexperiencing," Erica said, closing the door. "You would most certainly be remembering people's faces, especially if they were your family, as you claimed. Sweetie…" She crouched down in front of June, putting one hand gently under his chin. I tightened my grip around him as Erica gazed into his eyes, as if she could narrow down the reasons why he was hurting simply by doing that. "You want to remember. I understand that. But you can't do that unless you stay safe, do what we ask you to, and focus only on the state of your mental health. It needs to become your number one priority."
"But what about my physical safety, Mom? What about those cameras I found in my room?!" Juniper stuttered, trying to find the words. "There could be more around the house!"
"Did you really find cameras, June?" Erica asked, unfolding her hands and wiping away her tears. "Do you honestly believe that?" After silence as her response, Erica continued.
"I, personally, would suggest we take you for treatment in Washington D.C.," Erica told Juniper. "I have friends that can help you, really help you, and-"
"No!" Juniper cried, getting to his feet. "That's not what I want."
"It's not about what you want, it's about what's best for you!" Erica shouted. "I am your mother, and I am putting my foot down!"
Getting to his feet on the edge of the bed, June wiped his eyes and raised his voice. "And I'm your son!"
The two stood there, in complete silence, breathing and looking into each other's eyes with looks that I had absolutely no words to describe. They stepped away mentally and physically, looking at each other as if they were really seeing them for the first time.
"So."
"So." Erica sighed as she said it, her hands on her hips. She nodded once to herself, then pointed over her shoulder. "I'm going downstairs to make breakfast. Hopefully once we get some food in us, we can discuss this like rational human beings."
"I'm down for that plan," I murmured, trying to ignore the shocked looks on their faces (clearly, they had forgotten I was here).
Erica brusquely walked to the door, but before leaving, she turned and left Juniper with these parting words. "I love you, June. But I don't believe you."
Juniper, still standing on his bed, took ragged, deep breaths, not responding to Erica. He fell down onto his knees, staring at the sheets below him.
"Little Man?" Quiet breathing. "Little Man?"
I rolled up my sleeves, tightened my ponytail, and went to have a mom-talk. "Hey...you know she-"
"Do you want to know why I love you guys so much?"
A little taken aback, I tightened my grip on my emotions and shrugged. "Of course."
"Because when I was in the hospital, you guys gave me a name. You guys, against what anyone else though, took me in and gave me a life. You made me worth something, when before, I was literally just a nobody. I became Juniper Azure Baronet when you took me in, and I wasn't trapped with condescending doctors in a fishbowl anymore. You guys believed I had a chance." He sniffled, rolling onto his side. "And now you won't even do that anymore."
I put one hand on his shoulder, crying, but trying not to let it show. "June…"
"Just leave me alone. Please." He clutched a pillow, sobbing into it without any regret or hesitation.
I nodded, mostly to myself, before turning around one last time and watching him. And with a note of sadness and bitterness still in the air, I shut the door.
oOoOoOoOo
Juniper Baronet's POV
7:03, Thursday, May 22
San Diego, CA
It's okay Juniper it's okay Juniper it's okay Juniper it's okay Juniper-
No, other Juniper, it's not effing okay!
Taking deep breaths is really hard when you feel like you're drowning. But that's what I tried to do anyway. I tried to redirect my thoughts, just as Dr. Al-Hathi has suggested I do, but nothing was working out. Everything just ping-ponged back to what Mom had said.
"I love you, June. But I don't believe you."
"I love you, June. But I don't believe you."
"I love you, June…
...But I don't believe you."
I threw the pillow I was holding against the room, where it bounced against the wall anticlimactically. Gritting my teeth and balling my fists, I paced around the room, eager to destroy something. I wanted to break something. I wanted to mess something up. I wasn't angry. I wasn't sad. I didn't know what I was feeling, but it made my gut hurt and my head spin like a carousel.
My body collapsed against the wall without me wanting it to. I hung my head, staring at the floor.
Abandoned. That's how I felt.
I crossed my arms over my knees and rested my chin on them. Everything in my system had been shaken, and all I could do was helplessly replay the moment in my head.
What do I do now? I asked myself in my head, raking my fingers through my hair. "What do I do?" I repeated once again.
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
And all of the sudden, I was thrust into a world of remembrance, of a very similar situation from not too long ago…
oOoOoOoOo
21:46, Sunday, December
Glendale, AZ
I woke up as nobody.
The world came into existence with a trembling, shaky view of an entirely white room, thunder rumbling in the distance. It rarely rains in Arizona, I know that now. Almost as if the universe was warning something was going to happen. My fingertips started fidgeting, but they felt like they were buried underneath wet sand for the last ten years.
Beep.
Men and women in white coats piled into my vision, asking questions to each other and exchanging cautious glances.
Beep.
"What do you mean you don't know your own name?" Asked a nurse. I would later learn her name was Nurse Douglas.
"Don't know. Don't…" I clutched my ears, screaming through my teeth.
Beep.
Another nurse came over, putting his hand on my back; Nurse Scott, I would learn later that evening. "It's okay, it's okay. Do you remember anything about where you came from?"
I was shaking like a sapling in a hurricane. My hands immediately went to whatever nurse was near me's arm. I gritted my teeth and closed my eyes as tight as I could. I had plenty of physical wounds, but more importantly, it felt like my mind had been split open with a jackhammer. "Please. No ask. No ask it."
Beep.
"Okay, okay," He said, "we're gonna ask some more questions tomorrow, but for now, we'll leave you alone."
Beep.
I was so confused. So scared. Nobody would explain what was going on, and I just wanted...someone to treat me like an actual, thinking person.
My heartbeat grew faster, the beeping at an ever-increasing tempo. In my distraught state, I spiraled into a frenzy, grabbing at any and every wire connected to me and trying to get them out of me. The doctors and nurses in the room all rushed to stop me, asking me to stop. I don't entirely remember what happened from there, but I know I was asleep in twenty seconds tops.
The next day was essentially the same. I barely talked to anyone, barely ate anything. If anybody tried to touch my head, I would scream. I wasn't sure how else to tell them that I didn't want to be touched. Confusion and fear plagued me every second, and worst of all, nobody took the time to explain anything to me. Maybe they wanted someone professional to do it, but that doesn't feel like it. I just think they didn't know what to tell me. Instead, they just left me alone in a hospital room where the only window is the one into a computer room, where the doctors stare at you day and night.
When I woke up, they were doing a PET Scan. Have you ever seen one of those machines? It looks like a hot dog right as it's about to be put on the bun. I blinked a couple times, but before I could move, I heard a soothing voice that felt like it was right in my ear (he was speaking through a microphone, but I didn't know that until later).
"Relax, honey," they commanded softly. "You're in a safe place." Afraid out of my mind, I did what they said, but my heart rate was probably at the same speed it was at right before I fell asleep.
When I got up again, someone new was there. She had a pretty face, with short, platinum blonde hair in a bob. She smiled at me as I reentered consciousness, putting one hand on my arm, a gentle gesture of kindness.
"Good morning, Doll," she said, brushing a tuft of hair out of my face with the other hand. Hair, back then, was one of the things I still didn't entirely understand. It was peculiar to me for some reason. I pulled it right back down, staring at it intently, as if waiting for it to move. She chuckled a bit, drawing my attention back to her.
"I can't believe I'm really meeting you. My name is Erica. I've heard you can't remember yours, however."
Beep.
Since nodding hurt my neck, instead, I did a finger gun at the sky. In my head, this was a clear yes, but looking back at it, I'm surprised she got the message at all. Erica smiled at me, clearly amused by my pseudo-answer.
"Alright then. Would you like some soup for lunch?"
Beep.
"Um...soup."
She nodded, putting one arm around my shoulders. "Yes. The doctors said that even though your jaw is still recovering, it's safe to give you some kind of broth, at least."
It was chicken noodle soup. The noodles were very soft, a little ripped up, and there were soft, kind of mushy carrots. I wasn't very good at holding a spoon, at that point, however, but chopsticks were pretty comfortable to me, for some reason. The doctors proposed that it was pretty likely I was raised by someone from a country where chopsticks were commonly used, or at least that I used them pretty frequently. Erica occasionally spoke throughout the meal, both to me, and the doctors. She was always smiling, always encouraging me to eat more, to join in on the conversation. I was still just confused. Nobody had ever treated me like I was a part of the conversation before - mostly because I couldn't speak much, but still! Erica was the first one to ever include me.
Later on, she sat down on the side of the bed and had a serious conversation with me. "Okay then. I know you probably don't want to talk about the fact that you can't remember anything, because that's all anybody's been talking to you about."
Ever so wise and sagely, I replied: "Ah."
Erica smiled slightly, and tucked some hair behind her ear. "Um...right. But anyways, what I wanted to talk to you about was...family."
Beep.
"Fam - fami-y?" I had basically said 'family', but for some reason, decided to skip the 'l'.
"Yes, family. I know you can't remember this, but you have a family too."
Beep.
"My family means a lot to me," she continued, placing one hand on top of mine. "For now, until you...remember, I would like to be your family."
Beep. Beep. Beep.
"Like...Mom?" I asked, trying out the word for the first time in my mouth as I scooted a little bit closer to her, my eyes trained carefully on her face.
She froze for a moment. Her features were stuck in a single position, her eyes unblinking. It was like she had just seen a ghost. Time had stopped for her.
"Mom...yeah. Yeah, I would be fine with that!" She coughed and awkwardly blushed. "I mean, if we don't find your biological parents of course."
"Face gone red?" I asked, narrowing my eyes.
"Sorry...I'm embarrassed about what I just said." She explained. "It made it sound like I was straight-up forgoing looking for your biological parents. That would be wrong, of course." She laughed a bit, before ruffling my hair. "So don't get too attached!"
But I did get attached. I got attached quickly. Every morning I would wake up, wanting her to be there, wanting to see her face. She would help me through problems instead of letting them lie. She would make sure I felt comfortable and safe. And most of all, she made me feel human.
For example, the time she taught me how to use the tv. Before then, it had just been a black, semi-reflective box to me. Before she showed me the remote controller.
"Now then, if you press this button, it turns on. If you press this button either way, it makes the volume go up and down. And if you press this button either way, it flips through channels." Erica said, pointing at the buttons. Since my attention span was about fifteen seconds at that point, I was mostly listening to her and staring at the ceiling instead, so when she put the remote in my hand, for me to try, I didn't really know what to do with it.
I pointed at it, narrowed my eyes and looked up at her. "This mine now?"
She was clearly unsure of how to react. "Um...just...here, let me help you." She took the remote from my hands (I vaguely remember being pretty ticked off at her for doing that), and turned the tv on for me.
I gasped; suddenly, where there had only been a blank, black canvas before, there were a pair of lionesses chasing a gazelle. "Oh, good. Oh good, very good day." Erica smiled and ruffled my hair. She tried to flip through the other channels with me, to show me what else was out there, but I was only interested in the nature channels. Something about watching the different types of animals run around, observing frogs, horses, yellowjackets and macaws with fascination and wonder. She continued to watch with a smile, encouraging my continued learning about the rest of the earth.
And I continued to learn from her, of course. I continued to ask questions about the way society worked. For instance, another time we were eating soup:
I stopped eating, and looked up. "Erica?"
Beep.
She looked up with a soft smile, resting her elbows on her knees. "Yes?"
"Why did...why is everything so far?"
"Like…" she struggled to figure out what I meant. "Like why haven't you been anywhere else?"
Beep.
"Everything. Star, Earth…"
She snapped her fingers (making me jump quite high) and pointed at the sky. "You mean space! Space, right?"
Again, in my ever so wisdomly wisdom: "Ah?"
"Okay, well...Earth is a planet. It's a pretty small planet when compared to others, but to us, it's a huge, HUGE planet. Every single human, except astronauts, lives on Earth."
"Woosh," I murmured, trying to signify a spaceship with my hand. "Space hero." I gasped, suddenly grabbing on her arm. "Space hero! Space hero! Space hero! Spa-"
Beep.
"Okay, Doll," she said with a small giggle, detaching my hands from her arm. "Yes, the people who work at NASA are heroes."
"Space…" I mumbled, still tugging on her arm slightly. My attention span was already wavering, which she would probably tell as well, so she continued with what she was saying.
"But farther away from Earth are even more planets. Both bigger and smaller. In our solar system, there are eight planets, including Earth. Everything goes around and around something bigger than it, because of gravity. There are billions and billions of solar systems in things called galaxies." She shrugged after all that. "That's a basic explanation of it."
I shot a finger gun at the sky as I laid back down, resting my aching back. "Wow. Big." I looked at her with narrowed eyes. "But how so far away?"
"Well, the universe - that's where all the galaxies are - is expanding. That means it's getting bigger."
"Are there other livings in space?" I asked. "Like Adelie Penguins or Borneo Elephants?" If you're wondering why such specific animals, those were the two nature documentaries I had watched that day. Who knew watching British and Australian dudes talk about animals can teach you more English? (Only slightly, but it was getting better!)
But Erica did not share my enthusiasm for the idea of space elephants. She bit her lip and forced a smile. "Well...sweetie…" She crossed over and sat down on the side of the bed. "Yes. There are other living beings in space. It's just that...they're not good."
Beep.
"Oooo, no good?" I asked with genuine concern. "Have done...bad thing?"
She tried to smile, but her cracks were showing. "No, no, it's fine. You didn't...you didn't know." She looked around for a second, then leaned forwards, as if she were telling me a secret. "Have you ever heard of the Kraang?"
I shook my head, but the word tugged on some familiar strings at the back of my brain. "Um...they big?"
"No, no, physically, they're quite small. But there are lots of them, and they're like rats; Once they start getting in, you can't stop them."
I frowned a bit at her comparison to rats. I liked rats. I don't know why. It's just something I can't really explain. "Rat good. Would you...hurt rat?"
Beep.
Erica bit down on her lip for a second, then shifted the conversation in a different direction. "How about cockroaches? I don't think anyone can like cockroaches."
"Reeeeeaaaaally special!" I said, bouncing enough to show excitement, but not enough to hurt myself. I felt warm and happy inside, and felt almost normal, like saying that was bringing back something from a long time ago that I couldn't quite explain. Like something from a past life.
"Um...you know what, I'll just stick with cockroaches." Erica said, her eyebrows arched to show she was uncomfortable. "So anyways, the Kraang started invading. More than once, they've taken over New York City. And while they were there, they planted these things called mutants there. They're like the Kraang, almost worse. They're spawned off of their mutagen, and they...they are absolutely disgusting."
"York City?" I asked.
Beep.
"Yes, New York City. It's a beautiful city, a goliath one, with dazzling lights and an amazingly diverse population." Erica said with a huge smile on her face.
I nodded, leaning over the side rail of the bed ever so slightly. "You love." It wasn't a question.
Erica shook her head. "It's not that simple. I used to love New York. But the New York I knew is not the same as it is right now." She leaned forwards ever so slightly, as if telling me a really important secret. Quietly, she glanced around the room, before telling me more about New York. "Look, when the aliens invaded New York, they ruined everything. They ruined everyone's lives, and left behind these creatures called mutants." She looked over her shoulder, then leaned in once more. "I don't want you to ever ask me about that again, okay? You're safe here, far away from New York."
Beep.
"Safe," I said. The affirmation made me feel...better. I sighed, settling back into the bed.
"Yes," she said. "Safe without aliens."
Beep.
Erica disappeared for a few days after that. She had to go back to work in Washington D.C.. When she came back for her next visit though, her wife, Tabetha, with her.
One particularly rude nurse, Nurse Griffin, was practically pinning me down to the bed, as a professional wrestler would their opponent. He and some other nurses were simply doing a check-up, to see if anything had gone wrong since the last time they had one (about seventeen hours before). However, when he came towards me with a needle, without telling me what it was for, my immediate response was to go into panic mode. I mean, there had never been any reason to worry about doctors and needles in the past (by the past, I mean like, the past two weeks I'd been alive), but something about them just put me off.
However, staying in bed a majority of the time and having almost nothing but soup does wonders on your body; meaning, my muscles had basically gone ka-put. But hey, I like to think I was putting up a pretty good fight. At least I was until my mothers came in to see me together for the first time.
The two ladies entered side by side. Tabetha glanced at Erica, slightly nervous, before looking at me. Her warm brown eyes were smiling, her hair in the same low ponytail it was almost in. Erica wore a long, flowy, royal purple dress, and Tabetha wore a red blazer, graphic t-shirt (I think Pepe the King Prawn was on it, or something. He's one of her favorite Muppets) and a pair of boyfriend jeans. She was playing with the earring in her left ear, a habit I frequently do as well.
Erica's jaw dropped when she entered the room though, and her hands flew to her mouth. "What in the name of...What are you doing?!" She marched over to the nurses, and physically grabbed one of their arms off of me, before yelling.
Still in panic-mode, I tried to hide as best as I could, thinking she was mad at me too. I lowered my head down as low as I could, tucking in my arms and legs, and pulling up the blanket over my head. A flood of tears washed out my eyes, and I began to hyperventilate. It felt like everything was spinning out of my control, and my entire body started trembling.
Until Tabetha came to me. She sat down on the side of the bed, her weight pulling one side of the blanket down slightly further. I continued to sob, hiding my face in my hands. I still didn't really understand what was going on. All I really knew was that everyone was mad, again, because of me. So many words, so many voices, all of them about me, none of them towards me...it was all too confusing and disorienting.
Except Tabs. She pulled down the blanket, and moved herself so she could look into my eyes.
"Hey there, Little Man. You good?"
Beep.
"Oh...no good, no good. Sewer horses." I mumbled, lying down in my bed and gently itching one of my many layers of bandages against the mattress.
She tenderly rubbed my shoulder, smiling. "Sewer horses? What's that mean?"
"I'ma saying it'sa bad," I said with a slight shrug. She continued to rub my shoulder, smiling a little more.
"Mmmmm. You're having a bad day?" I responded with finger guns, and she laughed a bit.
Beep.
Erica dusted herself off slightly, as a duchess would, after chewing out the nurse, and let out a sigh of relief. "Finally, I thought he'd never leave." She then turned to me with a sympathetic expression on her face. "Oh, I'm sorry you had to deal with that, Doll."
Beep.
"I...I'ms is fine. I- Did you know that the blind mole isn't actually blind? It-it'sa just gots...bad, bad, bad, bad..." In a daze, I occasionally returned to the many things I had learned from nature documentaries. The information, though small and seemingly insignificant, calmed me down from a panic attack. Being able to remember anything at all, even if it was only from a couple of days before, was a small comfort in its own right.
"Eyesight?" Erica asked, attempting to finish the sentence for me.
"Uh, yup." I said with a small shrug.
Beep.
Tabs moved to a chair next to the bed, which Erica gently rested on the arm of. They looked once at each other, exchanged a smile, and then looked back at me. "So how do you feel today?"
"Moment ago was bad. Very bad." I looked around, and it slowly started to register that no one was able to hurt me with the two of them there. "But this? This is nice."
Erica smiled and rested her hand on Tabs' shoulder. "Thank you, honey," she looked at her wife, then gestured to me. "I told you, he's such a sweetheart!"
Beep.
Tabs nodded and seemed somewhat impressed. "You're right. He is a sweetheart!" She sat forward, smiling even wider. "You know, I had mixed feelings about coming here, but my goodness, you are the sweetest thing. I've only known you for like, two seconds, and I can already tell."
"I can't have sweets," I told her very matter of factly. "Makes brain go whir."
Erica nodded, and started rubbing her partner's shoulder from her perch on the arm of the chair. "Yeah, sugar does stimulate the brain. That's because eating it releases dopamine into the bloodstream, which goes to your brain. Dopamine, as you know, is-" She stopped and let out an 'oof' sound when Tabetha gently elbowed her.
She gestured to me. "Okay little miss scientist, we get it, but this Little Man actually doesn't know what dopamine is." She turned to me as an aside. "It's the happy stuff in your brain," before continuing with Erica. "So maybe we should slow down on the major explanations if he's still figuring out utensil use." While a little disappointed, Erica seemed to agree.
So we worked on figuring out more things together, including more physical things. Not wanting to be restricted by wires anymore, I tried walking around on my own for the first time only a couple of days later. Erica was in D.C. again that day, so it was just me and Tabs.
Shakily, I pushed upwards. It felt like I had been buried in sand for a thousand years, and was finally shaking it off. Biting my lip, I moved my legs off to the side, gently removing the many blankets covering me. Trying not to upset the IV still connected to my forearm, I got to my feet. Exhilarated, I turned to the hospital staff. I was trembling, but I was on my feet. Their immediate response was to start clapping, but unsure of what they were doing, I fell backwards with a shout.
"No, no, no it's okay, honey!" One nurse said. She grabbed my hand, but still afraid, I pulled back and tried to make myself as small as possible. I retreated underneath the covers, only watching them through a small crack I made in between the blanket and the sheets on the mattress.
Tabs sighed on the outside of my little blanket cavern, and I could feel her slight annoyance from the corner of the room. "So clearly clapping isn't cool with him." I heard her footsteps grow closer, and despite the fact that I knew her fairly well at this point, in a panic, I just started scrambling to get further under the blankets. She didn't try to move the blankets or anything, but she stood there for a little bit, before asking "Do you not like it when we do that?" My head shook back and forth, and I closed my eyes as she reached one hand under the blanket to ruffle my very short hair (it was very short at the time), as if ignoring it would make it go away.
"Hey." Tabs said. I saw her silhouette nonchalantly plop down in a chair near the door. "If you need to be alone for a moment, that's all good, kiddo." I didn't respond, and a moment later, she continued. "I don't like being afraid either." When I tensed up, Tabs scooted the chair a little closer. "Yeah, I could tell you were scared. But that's okay. It's okay to be afraid. You don't need to be fearless all the time."
I came out from under the blanket at that, slowly. I felt slightly numb all over. "Not fearless?"
Beep.
She laughed. "Yeah, we don't need you to be fearless. It's okay."
Beep.
Slowly, I started to relax into the bed a little bit more. I smiled, closing my eyes…
Then I sat up, my eyes popping open. "You...you don't need me?"
"No no no, that's not what I meant!" She cried, rubbing her forehead. A moment later, she sighed. "Look, I'm sorry, Taitamariki, I didn't mean you weren't needed. I just meant…" she moved her hands like a pendulum, unsure of what to say next. "I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to say that. You'll still be my Little Man, okay?"
Beep.
But the message stuck with me, even if she didn't mean it. I wasn't wanted...it gave me a new idea. The family I couldn't remember...did they even want me? Did they need me? What if the reason they had never shown up to the hospital was because they didn't care about me?
I tried to move on from the unintentional blow, but it was a little tough. When Erica and Tabetha were around, the pain of being discarded was eased. They tried to make me as happy as they could, and stuck with me no matter what. They showed me so many things, and it felt like I was discovering new things every moment.
For example, the first time they showed me a puppy. Or as I called it:
"A fluffy!" They brought in a squirming, tiny Pumi puppy, who seemed to be a little frightened by my sudden loudness. I made small grabbing motions, squealing excitedly.
Erica clapped, pleased. "Oh, yeah, I'd almost forgotten!" She turned to me. "Doll, for today, we decided to see how your heart rate would relax if we brought in a puppy for you to pet. Her name is Bianca."
Beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbee-
"Um...well...it seems to have the opposite effect on him…" Erica bit down on her lip. "In fact, the puppy seems to have stimulated him rather than relaxed him." Tabetha seemed to find her wife's face hilarious at this realization.
"This mine now." It wasn't a question, as it had been with the tv remote. It was a proclamation.
Tabs, still in a fit of laughter, put a hand on my shoulder. "Hey, Little Man, look- this dog actually can't be yours. It's with the hospital, so other people can have it." Upon seeing my deeply sorrowful face at this, Tabetha rubbed my back. "But someday you may have your own dog! A working one, um...I don't know, to make you better in public. Maybe? I don't really know how to describe what they do without it confusing you."
But it was already too late for it to not be confusing. In my head, I imagined a puppy with a hard hat. "Bonk!" I bopped myself on the head as a way of showing what I meant. Erica panicked and shook her head. "Yeah, no way, we're not going to do that."
I continued to rub Bianca behind the ears and on her tummy. Her little, chocolate brown curls were the perfect size to fit my finger in, so I gently pulled some of those a couple times, and let them go like a little spring. After about thirty minutes, I noticed the fluffy- uh, I mean, puppy, was shivering. In a frantic moment of maternal instinct, I tried to think of what I could do to get the puppy to warm up: wrap it in my blankets? Shove it down my shirt? The options were limited. Eventually, I decided the blankets would scare the puppy less.
I took all of the blankets around me and started to turn the puppy into a tiny burrito. A bunch of nurses around me with clipboards, Erica, and Tabs burst into laughter (I swear, I'd never heard anyone laugh harder than that. Except that one time I asked Erica if I could eat the flowers a lady through the window in the hallway was walking by with. Hey, I don't know, in my dazed state they looked really scrumptious), and I looked around in confusion.
Tabs came over, took her sweatshirt off, and cloaked Bianca in it. "Here, if you think she's cold, I can give her this." I nodded in approval, until I saw Tabetha's tattoos. Tabetha was the first person I'd ever seen with tattoos, and hers, to say the least, were incredible tattoos to see. Intricate spirals of triangles and waves, all overlapping and creating patterns I never knew were possible.
Upon seeing my fascination, Tabs smirked. "You like my tattoos?"
"Yeah. Do you want to know what they mean?"
"Absolutely!" While saying this, I took Bianca back from her and continued giving the puppy loving strokes.
"Alright…" She sat down at the side of the bed and explained what tattoos mean in Maori culture, and I watched and listened. I'd never heard anybody talk about their culture and their people in such a way before, and it enthralled me to hear her so proud of who she is.
I looked up, impressed. "And these symbolize family, yes?"
Tabs nodded, smiling at me as she always was. "Yes. They symbolize my ties to my iwi. I've never been to New Zealand, but I've always wanted to go. Someday, I will."
I looked at my hands. "If only I had tattoos…" I looked back up at them. "Then I would know who raised me."
Erica shifted a little bit, puckering her lips. "Well...you don't really need to know, do you? I mean, you've got us!"
I stopped for a moment to think about that. "I...I guess, yeah." I know she was just trying to help, but the suggestion...the way she said it...it was just kind of off putting.
But let's not dwell too much on that. Let's move on from that to another example of something they introduced to me: the day they showed me soda.
Tabs looked at the glass bottle in her hand. "I have a feeling you won't like cola very much, but I thought you might enjoy this." She held out the container of orange liquid, a small translucent bottle of something that fizzled incredibly.
"Ooooo!" I said, poking the amusing little bubbles. "That's cute!"
Erica chuckled as I flustered a little with the cap. "Now remember, it can be a little bit-"
"Ah!" I leapt a little bit at the fizziness. "Erica, it's attacking my buds!" Taste buds were a relatively new concept to me, so I still wasn't entirely sure with how they functioned yet. That made Erica, Tabs, and all the nurses in the room laugh. In a frantic gesture, I tried to hand it to one of them, but only ended up spilling it on the floor.
I gasped, and sat forward slightly. My body ached, but I continued to move. "Nurse Douglas, so, so, so very sorry…" I trailed off, shaking my head a bit.
Beep.
She leaned down, and exchanged a warm smile with me. "No, no, no, it's all good…" She grabbed a paper towel from the cart nearby, and started mopping it up. "No need to worry, sweetie."
"By the way, Nurse Oliver, congratulations on your marriage!" Tabetha said with a nod. Erica sat up, and clapped a little bit.
"Yes, congrats!" She said, smiling brightly.
Beep.
I looked around, confused (as always). "Uh...Merry Chrispses?" I had just learned about what Christmas was, and how soon it was, so that was on the top of my mind.
"No, marriage! It's how a husband and wife become a husband and wife," Erica said, leaning forwards. Tabs, pretending to be offended, tossed her hair over her shoulder. Rolling her eyes, Erica took her hand. "OR two husbands and two wives. Like me and Tabs."
Tabs added on some more. "Um...people usually get married with, like, a wedding. That's like a big party where everyone gets together, and two people talk about how much they love each other."
Beep.
"I love...I love you two, I love my pillows, I love the animal show...I don't love soup so much no more…" I had basically been eating nothing but soup for what I knew as my entire life, so I wasn't very fond of it.
Erica shook her head. "No, no, marriage is a different kind of love. It's a love that you don't really get until you're a little older, when you meet someone that just really makes you feel...wonderful. Someone who you feel like you've known your entire life from the moment you meet them."
I gasped. "Like a remembory!"
Beep.
She smiled once more. "Yes. Like a memory."
I looked at Nurse Douglas. "So you are...not your name anymore? It's different."
"Many women change their name when they marry., but only their second one. For example, her name was Rose Douglas, but when she married, she became Rose Oliver," Tabetha told me.
Beep.
"Was your name different?"
Beep.
Tabs shook her head. "Nah, when me and Erica married, I kept the name Baronet. Erica changed her last name."
Beep.
"What was?"
Beep.
Erica grinned. "My maiden name is Wardarc."
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
I froze, and simply stared at her for what was probably only a minute but felt like an eternity. My hands started shaking, and I slowly lay back down. All of the doctors and nurses started to turn their heads towards me with concern.
Erica stopped smiling and stared at me for a quick second. Her eyes grew dark and for just a moment, she looked hollowed out, like an empty shell of herself.
But it was only for a little bit. She shook it off moments later, and replaced the dull expression with a grin. "Are...are you okay honey?" When I didn't respond, she widened her smile until it stretched across her entire face and offered more of the soda. "Here, you're more prepared now. Try drinking more!" Still no response, but she kept up the smile.
I don't know what about the last name just struck such a negative chord with me. Maybe it just sounded creepy to me, maybe I got confused by it, or maybe I just didn't like the idea that Erica had a different last name than what I was used to. I can't really be too sure; although my emotions from them are very clear, my thoughts still seem a little muddled from back then, like my brain was still recovering from whatever brain trauma that had caused my amnesia.
I continued to stay in the hospital, but things started to change. Erica and Tabs came more often, stayed for longer. They started bringing other people, people from the state. They started talking quietly with one another about adoption and foster care, things I didn't really understand. Eventually, one day, after another CTScan, Dr. Mansley, my neurologist pulled me aside and started explaining those things to me.
He sat down in the chair in front of me. I was still practicing walking short distances, so at the time, I was using a wheelchair to change locations.
"So, um...I need to talk to you about something."
I rubbed my eyes. "Something wrong with my head?"
He shrugged. "Well, that answer actually depends on how you look at it. No, there's nothing wrong we can see with your head in the CTScan, from what we've seen so far. Actually, that's one of our main problems - we don't know what's wrong with you, why you're like this..." He cleared his throat before starting over. "But anyways, what I wanted to talk to you about was how you would feel about being adopted - or at least being part of a foster family."
I was confused. The only time I had ever heard those words were when people were talking about orphaned kittens on the animal shows. "Kit?" I asked, genuinely concerned that he may have thought I was a cat.
"Uh...I have no idea what you mean, so I'm going to disregard that last statement." I tried not to feel offended as I crossed my arms and continued to listen.
"Alright, so...it's been a little while since we found you, and the other doctors and I are thinking that it would be more appropriate if you were being raised by a normal family. We think that you should be moved in with a normal family, and live a more normal life - go to school, meet other people in your age group. Be a real person."
"I am," I said, narrowing my eyes a little bit at his simultaneously hopeful and condescending tone.
The doctor didn't react to the fact I'd said anything. "More specifically, the rest of my team and I believe you should live with the Mrs. Baronets, and be their foster son."
"Wow." I said, for a lack of better words. I was quite stunned. The idea that a life of my own, the ability to become a person, not just a dumb...thing that sat in a hospital bed, like everyone thought I was. "That...that's good. That's good." I felt an even larger rush of joy, at the idea of going places, introducing myself to people the way others could.
"But- but what about my other parents? In the past?"
Dr. Mansley, with a sigh, sat forwards and rubbed his temples. "Okay...here's the thing, kid. We don't know if your family is coming. The fact that they haven't shown yet is quite telling. In fact, they've been so negligent to look for you, I'm not even sure you want them coming."
I threw up in my mouth when he said that. I didn't really care who they were, or why they didn't come, but these mystery people were still my family.
He smiled. "But now, you have the opportunity to start over. You can reinvent yourself! You can be whoever you want."
Despite the fact I didn't remember being invented in the first place, I had to agree with this logic a little bit. I didn't remember this family, and if it took them a while to find me, then I probably needed a placeholder family…
I nodded. "Yes. Alright. I'll do it."
He smiled with what almost looked like real joy. "Splendid. Now, your new foster mothers are waiting for you outside."
I wheeled myself out of the room behind him, pushing off against the rubber tires of the wheelchair. But when the door swung closed behind me, I looked around, and realized that no one was out there.
"Where…" I started trailing off, looking side to side for the two people that I knew best. "Where? Where!" Each one got more and more frantic.
But Mansley didn't seem concerned at all. "No no, I mean outdoors."
Outdoors? They were letting me go outdoors! It was like all of the sunshine in the world had just come pouring through the windows! And I didn't really know what either of that felt like!
I laughed a little bit as I was pushed through an unfamiliar door, down a foreign hallway. There were new posters, new doctors. I waved to everyone I saw, and even tried to shake the hand of a lady who was walking by with a plastic bucket full of flowers. She jumped away, a little frightened at my sudden movement towards her, and I laughed a bit.
And then all of the sudden, when I was brought into the light, through a door in the back of the building, I was thrust into a gorgeous new realm; one with sunshine, birds, trees, everything I'd been imagining my entire life.
A small hummingbird flew away from the small cactus it was perched near, before buzzing around my face for a bit and zooming away to find a new place to sit.
Erica and Tabetha were sitting on a bench on the sidewalk, expectantly waiting in the midday sun. They were squeezing hands with one another, their expressions placid despite the constant fidgeting Tabs was doing and the slight tremble of Erica's shoulders. When they saw me approaching, they exchanged a knowing look, and got up to greet me.
"Hey there, Doll," Erica said, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear. I smiled and shook my head, letting it pouf out again.
"Hi," I murmured, waving slightly. I thought of all of the conversation starters they had gone over with me, how to start talking with someone for the first time. "How...how was your today?"
Erica smiled with pride. "Perfect. Essentially, perfect." To this day, I still don't know if she was talking about the day or the sentence.
Tabs took hold of one of the handles on the back of the wheelchair and started walking with me. "You know, the sun is about to start setting."
"It's gonna go down?"
She nodded. "Yes, it's about to go down. I think you would like to see it though. Let's take a walk."
I barely heard her, however. I was too fascinated with the rest of the outside world; the sparse clouds drifting overhead, the roar of cars flying past the hospital, the sound of hundreds of people living their lives throughout the city.
And I of all people, was about to begin a life of my own.
We walked about halfway around the hospital before coming upon a little enclave, where the ground was free of the shadows cast by the building, which surrounded ¾ of it in a little crescent shape. The rest was occupied by a small playground, a couple more benches, and a rather sad garden. I don't know what kind of tragedy had befallen the poor place, but several flowers had recently been trampled, and a small evergreen tree had even been knocked down.
"Oh no…" I said when I saw it, it's roots sticking up in the air, desperately seeking the nutrients from the ground that it needed. "The little tree is sick…" I turned to Erica and Tabs. "Good thing this is a hopital!"
"Um...yeah. Good thing!" Tabs said with a cheesy grin. "Real good, kid."
Erica leaned down. "It is 'hospital', though."
I gestured to the fallen down tree, and Tabetha started pushing me over there. While I was focused on the tree itself, in the background, I could hear Erica telling Tabs to stop making a 'nyoom' sound as we went (she said the temptation was too good to ignore).
I gently tried to lift up the tree, tried to put it back into the ground, but it continued to lay on it's side. Eventually, Erica came over and started to lift it back up with me. We pushed the tree upright again, and sat back, looking at our work proudly.
Erica sat with her legs crossed and her elbow planted on her knees. "It is a very lovely little tree. It's a little Juniper." She turned to Tabetha to tell her this. I nodded as if I knew anything she was talking about. Tabs, as if sensing my confusion, leaned over to tell me what she had meant.
"Juniper is the name of the tree."
I smiled at this fact, and leaned in to give the slightly broken tree a hug. "Hi Juniper!"
After we left the tree, Erica sat down on the bench next to the swing facing the sunset, and pulled me up beside her. Tabs sat down on my other side, on a swing, and in usual Tabetha fashion, immediately started swinging full force. I had never seen one before, so I was rather fascinated by the swing set. It took Erica much longer than usual to get my attention.
"Doll. Doll!" My attention finally came back from Tabs, and I turned to Erica. She gestured her head to the sky, and I looked at the sunset with a surreal sense of awe. Pinks and oranges and purples, all in stupendous mixes I would've never seen in the sterile iciness of the hospital.
"Wow…" I murmured, sitting back in the wheelchair. "That's really great. Really great." I turned to Tabetha. "Eck-excuse me? Tabetha?"
Tabs slowed her swinging to a gentle rocking. She then hooked her foot around the side of the swing set, so she would be both swinging and turning to the left and right as well (that description sounds strange, but we all know what that looks like). "Yeah?"
"Can I call you mom?"
"Or me, if you'd like," Erica jumped in, her lips stretched so far apart in a smile that it shocked me.
Tabs stopped and mulled it over. "Nah, actually, I think that's illegal. Pretty sure you have to call us by our names." She smiled again. "Besides, our daughters call me Tabs most of the time. Or Mama Tabs, if we're joking around."
I looked between the two of them, observing them carefully. Eventually, I smiled. "I'm...I'm going to love living with you."
Erica was released from the tense look on her face, and smiled back. "That's exactly what I was hoping you would say, Doll."
Beep.
oOoOoOoOo
Juniper Baronet's POV
7:03, Thursday, May 22
San Diego, CA
My eyes were open. I knew.
I was lying on my back, staring up at the ceiling. These memories...they're all I have.
But...something was wrong.
I didn't see them the same. I...wasn't the same.
I love my family. More than anything.
But I need to know.
I looked out the window. Shockingly, a storm was brewing, just as it had been the day I first woke up. The sky over the Pacific was teeming with rage, turning black as it had been during the night.
I looked down at Lucky, my most trusted companion. As if she understood my dilemma, she put one paw on my foot, and gave me a big puppy smile.
I grinned, rubbed her under the chin, and went to my window. The same window I had forced myself to keep shut only about a week before, the same window Alice had snuck into dozens of times before.
The same window I was about to sneak out of.
"Lucky, come!" I called. She ran up to my side, and I smiled. "Okay, up we go, Fluffy." I hoisted her up over one shoulder.
And then, in a leap of faith, I jumped out onto the roof, before sliding down and running through the backyard.
oOoOoOoOo
A/N: And...done. Wow guys, that chapter only took...um...oh my goodness, I've lost count by now, like seven or eight months? Nine?! Hey, I could apologize, probably should, but a mix of procrastination, wanting to get this chapter right, and just general worldwide pandemic things stopped me from progressing. 'Doll' was a tough one, and I'm just glad to have gotten it done. Now we can get to the fun part…
(Also, y'all can't tell me that Juniper learning how to speak proper English through watching nature documentaries isn't adorable.) Now, as always, if you choose to leave a review, only appropriate ones please. This is a clean site, very much unlike public restrooms. Thank you all very much for reading, the next chapter will be up soon. Keep in touch!
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-TheRealDreadPirateRoberts