Disclaimer, I don't own "Spongebob" or "Glengarry Glen Ross"

Chapter 1: The Meeting at the Office

At Krusty Krab Properties, the manager of the office, Eugene Krabs, is talking with a man with a briefcase in his office. There is a chalkboard in the corner of the room. On it has the title: Sales to Date. Below are the names of the people who work there and the amount they have made in sales.

Sandy Cheeks: $88,000

Squidward Tentacles: $30,000

Spongebob Squarepants: $9,000

Sheldon Plankton:

At his desk, Spongebob sits nervously and anxiously as he sees his colleague Plankton walking through a small door.

"Why are you so down, Spongebob. That's not like you to feel down." Plankton asks.

"Ah it's just that I was this close to sale. I told the lady about the place in Condo Island. Told her it had both a mountain and ocean view and what does she say? She needs to talk to her husband." Spongebob complains.

"Ah let her. Sometimes you need to do things as a couple." Plankton says in an attempt to cheer his colleague.

"Yeah you're right. Say do you know who that is?" Spongebob points to the man in Krabs' office.

"Couldn't say." Plankton responds.

Soon after, their colleague Squidward walks in with his typical sour attitude. "Another day, another migraine. Anyone know who owns the Cadillac out front?" Squidward asks. He then sees Krabs and the man, whose name tag says Jim on it, walk out of the office.

"Could I have everyone's attention for a moment?" Jim says, and the three men sit down at their desks and listen attentively. "Cause what are you doing? You talking, bitching about the sale you pitched and the asshole didn't pick up what you threw down? Well let's talk about something important." He then turns back to Mr. Krabs. "Is everyone here?"

"Everyone who needs to be."

"Fair enough. Alright then let's get down to it." Jim then sees Plankton walking over to a plate of Krabby Patties. "Put that patty down. Patties are for closers only." Plankton begins to chuckle upon hearing this, but Jim remains serious. "You think I'm fucking with you? I'm not fucking with you." Jim's serious tone prompts Plankton to nervously get back to his desk.

"I'm from downtown; from Grouper, Goby, & Koi. And I'm here on a mission of mercy." He turns his attention back to Plankton. "Your name's Plankton, right?"

"Yeah?"

"And you call yourself a salesman, you son of a bitch?" He asks condescendingly.

"I don't need this shit." Squidward says standing up to leave.

"No you don't. Cause here's some good news. You're fired." Jim tells Squidward, causing him to sit back at his desk almost immediately.

"But here's some bad news. You've one week to get your job back, starting tonight." Everyone looks at him attentively.

"Oh? That get your attention? Good, because the boys downtown added something to the sales contest this month. As most of you know, 1st place wins a Bass Blaster 3000 boatmobile. Anyone wanna see what 2nd place gets?" He asks, faking enthusiasm and goes to grab jellyfishnet from his briefcase, to present it to them briefly. "2nd place gets a new jellyfish net. 3rd place means you're fired." Squidward, Plankton, and Spongebob all look at each other nervously.

"You boys get the picture? Are you laughing now? Now listen, you have leads. Leads that Grouper, Coby, & Koi paid good money for. You can't work with what they give you? You can't sell shit? You are shit! Hit the road Jack and fuck off, because you're done!"

"Oh please, the leads are shit." Plankton protests.

"Ha, the fuckin' leads are shit? No no no no no, you're shit. I've worked in this industry for 20 years now."

"All what's your name again?" Squidward asks.

"Fuck… You! That's my name! You know why? Cause I drove here in a Cadillac Series 62. And YOU, came here in what… a fuckin' Patty Wagon? Because you know why? I know the one thing that matters in life: Get them to sign on the line which is dotted! You hear me you motherfuckers?!" Jim then walks over to the chalkboard and flips it over, revealing two different anagrams. ABC and AIDA.

"A- Always, B- Be, C-Closing. Always be closing. A-I-D-A. Attention: Do I have your attention? Interesting: Are you interested? I know you are. Decision: Have you made your decision for Neptune?! And action." A-I-D-A, you gotta the prospects coming in, not to get outta the rain, but they wanna buy. They wouldn't be on the lot if they didn't. They're sitting out there just waiting to give you money! Are you man enough to take it?" Squidward then lets out a chuckle.

"Jesus." This draws Jim over to his desk.

"You got a problem buddy?"

"If you're so rich, why come down here waste time with a gaggle of bums?" Jim then flashes his watch at Squidward, condescendingly.

"This watch here… cost more than your car. I made $1.1 million last year, how much did you make?" Squidward looks away from him, rather sullenly.

"So you see? That's who I am, and who you wanna be. You a nice guy? Who cares? You a good father? Fuck off and go spend time with your kids! You wanna have a job? Then close deals!" Jim then looks over to Spongebob, who looks far more sullen. He then walks over to Spongebob's desk and gets right in his face.

"What's the matter with you? You think this is abuse ya little pussy? If you can't take this, how can take what the shit you're gonna get out in the field?! If you don't like it, then leave. I could hit the field tonight, and with what you got I could make myself $15,000." He then points to the three men and asks, "Could you? You wanna sell you real estate, you sons of bitches gotta get mad. And you gotta have what it takes. And what it takes…" Jim reaches in his briefcase and pulls out two balls on string. "is brass balls."

Jim then pulls out several notecards, held together with rubber bands. "These are the new leads. The Condo Island leads. To you they're gold, and… you don't get them." He hands the leads to Mr. Krabs, who puts them in his pocket.

"They're for the closers. You want 'em then close, if not you're gonna be stuck working at Goofy Goobers. And then, sitting at a bar drowning your sorrows, telling? your stories. 'Yeah I was a salesman once, tough racket.' He then walks back over to Squidward.

"And to answer your question: Why am I here? I'm here because Grouper asked me to do a favor for him. I told the real favor would be to just fire your worthless ass now." Jim then packs up his briefcase and prepares to leave. He turns around at the doorway to give one last middle finger to the three desperate salesmen.

"I'd wish you good luck, but you wouldn't know what to do with it. Money's out there; you want it, it's yours. If not, I got nothing for ya." Jim then leaves the office.

"What a bunch of fuckin' bullshit." Squidward deadpans.

"Enough out of you, Squidward." Mr. Krabs then hands the three of them two note cards each. "Alright boys these are the leads for tonight and tomorrow. Come back to me when you're done." Mr. Krabs orders him.

"Mr. Krabs, what's all that bullshit about firing us? And what's with Sandy not being here?" Squidward complains.

"Exactly what he just told you Squidward! And don't worry about Sandy, she'll get her leads." Mr. Krabs responds in a completely callous tone.

"What? She's #1 so she doesn't have to be here for this?"

"Exactly; and if you don't want another speech like that, and want to keep your job here, I suggest you get out there and make money!" Mr. Krabs orders.

"But Mr. Krabs, how do we make money with these leads? I've seen this name before. Please, can I get one of the new leads?" Spongebob asks, after looking sullenly at his leads.

"No, Spongebob. You'll get them when you make the big sales. Good things come to those who wait." Mr. Krabs responds.

"Cut it out Krabs. We can't make shit, with this shit." Plankton says, throwing his leads on the floor.

"Enough! If any of you want you the good leads and not to get fired; quit your bitching, go out there tonight, and do your fucking jobs!" Mr. Krabs shouts, picking up Plankton's leads and throwing them back at him.

"Meeting over." Mr. Krabs walks back to his office with the leads, and the three men prepare to hit the field in order to save their jobs.

End of Chapter 1

I hope you all enjoy the story so far. If you don't know what "Glengarry Glen Ross" is, I highly recommend it. Especially if you know anything about sales jobs. Until the next update, please read and review.