To say that there was tension between Aaliyah and Calista was an understatement. Aaliyah knew that the young woman hated her guts and for what, she wasn't entirely sure. Of course, she was a Jedi and Calista hated them, but there was more. There had to be more. The glances full of hatred and venom lacing her words whenever she spoke to Aaliyah felt way too personal.
Aaliyah couldn't say she hated her. She felt uneasy in her company and from time to time a wave of sheer anger would take over her body after a particularly rude comment from Calista. However, she had to tolerate her, because of Anakin. He wanted them to train together, and it occurred to Aaliyah that it was a form of punishment. But she refused to give him satisfaction and kept quiet, ignoring snappy comments from the curly-haired woman and continued her training just like Anakin wanted. For what, she didn't know. She had enough training, but perhaps he wanted to give her something to do in these days of loneliness when only Rex would visit her from time to time.
It was weeks since she came back with Anakin. Weeks since she came back on Mustafar, the dreaded, depressing planet. She was in a different room than she used to be and had far more privileges and freedom. However, being locked in this fortress might be considered freedom for Anakin, but not for her. But she decided to just go with the flow. The force will show her the right path when the time is right. Now, she needed to wait it out.
But it was harder each day. She felt sick almost every day. Physically and mentally sick of this place, of this planet and its environment. It sure couldn't be healthy for somebody to live here. But she also felt suffocated, as if she was drowning in her own emotions, no matter how hard she tried to keep them in check. She didn't like the anger she would feel, the sadness, the overwhelming lust for Anakin. Her body was more and more acknowledging the fact, that he was so close to her and so willing, that if she said the word, he would be hers again. In every way possible. But she stayed quiet. It was not possible, and she will not lose her dignity this way. She was a Jedi, and she was taught how to deal with feeling like these.
Most days, if she was not with Calista in the big training hall, she would be in her room or aimlessly walking around through the hallways of the fortress. Sometimes, she could almost pretend she was walking through the Jedi Temple again, but the fantasy would disappear as quickly as it came. This could never compare to her former home. It might have been as enormous as the Temple, but it was cold, empty, dark and so hollow.
However, her feet made her walk through the emptiness every day, just like she did right now. Watching every crevice in the walls, touching the cold, dark stones and looking into the shadows. She needed to remind herself, that this was reality. This was her reality. Sometimes, she found herself, especially during meditation, in a deep state of dissociation. But she couldn't afford to lose touch when an opportunity to end this once and for all might arise at any moment.
One of the biggest challenges these days was her fear. Fear of losing control. Fear of losing herself. Sometimes, she could almost feel the darkness lick at her skin, as if it was alive and tried to swallow her. Other times, she could hear it calling to her, luring her to come closer, to just taste the darkness, promising she would never want anything else. But she knew better than that and she was scared. Because, however strong she might be now, what if something changes. What if it wins after all? How long she'll be able to stay strong, stay sane in this utter madness?
Her boots were quiet on the ground when she walked aimlessly once again. She wasn't sure what time it was, but her body always let her know whether it was day or night-time. According to her biorhythm, it was night, and she should probably sleep, because Calista's irritating voice will wake her up in the morning, sooner than necessary again. But she was feeling all sorts of things and before her mind could dwell on them, she was out of bed.
If she was right, her feet took her further inside the fortress. She never was in this part and somehow it felt more welcoming, less empty, less dead. The long hallway took her to a big staircase and after a quick debate, whether she should go up or just return to her room, her curiosity won. Or maybe she knew where the stairs would take her and she just, for a little while, wanted to listen to her heart and turn off her rationality. Just for a little while.
Quietly, Aaliyah went up the stairs only for it to lead her inside another long hallway. This fortress was full of them, never-ending, dark, scary hallways. But in this one, she could see the ending. A big, dark door. Something called her to them, and she followed like a puppet on a string with no free will. Aaliyah knew she happened to be in Anakin's quarters. She was sure of it because she could faintly feel him, his force signature inviting her to come forward. It was a soft, gentle melody inside her head. But when she was inches from the doors, she jumped back from them, frightened at the sudden loud noise, coming from behind.
The crashing, thudding and the sound of breaking things continued for another minute until it was completely silent. With a shaking finger, she reached and pressed a button at the side of the door, which opened with a silent whoosh. The majestic room was completely trashed. Things were everywhere, just not the way they should be. Any furniture was in pieces and in the middle of that chaos was a figure dressed in black with dark blonde wavy hair. She looked at him for a couple of seconds until she decided to approach him. His back was to her, but he knew she was there. However, the only movement of his body was the rapid rising and falling of his shoulders.
When Aaliyah walked all the way to him and stood right in front of him, he wasn't looking at her. He was kneeling, with his hands on his knees, head hanging lowly. Focusing on his energy, on the force around him, made her aware of the conflict in him, of the turmoil in his mind. And then there was something else. Something that made her heart aching and her eyes burn with tears.
He was in pain.
So much pain she had to retreat and build a barrier between her force and Anakin's. It almost physically hurt her once she felt it. And at that very moment, she would do anything to make the suffering end. Slowly, she reached her hand and caressed his hair. At her touch, he froze completely, until he looked up at her. There were tears in his eyes and one dared to escape his eye and roll down his cheek. Without much thought behind the action, Aaliyah wipe the tear with her other hand and came a little closer to him. She didn't know if he took it as an invitation or he just needed the comfort, but he leaned forward and grasp her with his hands around her hips. His face was automatically hidden in the soft fabric of her robes, but he could feel the heat of the skin covering her belly and he could feel her all around him with all of his senses.
His shoulders were moving quickly with his breathing and Aaliyah run her hands across through his hair and across his back with only one thought on her mind, to comfort him. It didn't feel right seeing Anakin broken like this, but maybe in this very moment, she understood that this is how he feels inside every single day. Torn apart, barely holding it together. She just happened to stumble across him in his vulnerable state.
"Sometimes I feel like I'm going to wake up and realize you are not really here," his voice was quiet and raspy, but she heard him as clearly as if he was speaking right into her ear. She didn't speak, running her fingers through his hair, feeling like he wanted to tell her more. So, she waited and listened, enjoying this quick moment of his proximity that would probably pass way too soon. "And every time I sleep, I see you die over and over again. Either by my hand or because I couldn't save you."
His hands gripped her waist a little tighter after that as if he wanted to make sure she was there, not just another illusion. Slowly, his head raised, and his tired blue eyes looked at her. He didn't look just tired, but exhausted, the kind that sleeping wouldn't solve. He was tired of fighting, of running, of chasing something all the time. The eyes she loved since the very first time she looked into them were now showing her everything he couldn't say with words. Whether it was a moment of weakness, or he meant to do it was unknown to her. But she listened, reaching out to him, finally hearing him loud and clear. "I'm here. I'm here," was the only thing she said, running her fingers gently against his jawline, his nose, his lips, the red scar on his eye.
"But you're not," he said, making her immediately stop any movement of her body. "You're not and you will never be. Not like this."
"Anakin, "she started, heart aching, because he was right. Because she would give anything if things weren't so complicated. If he wasn't who he is and if she wasn't who she is or used to be. If they were just two ordinary people. Just Anakin and Aaliyah, who had the luxury of thinking, planning their future. Maybe a small cottage on Naboo, with a little boy who looked like his father, and a girl who looked like her mother, running around them. With Aaliyah finally, shamelessly having Anakin's name, being completely and utterly his. But it wasn't like that, and it may never be.
"No, no," he mumbled, and once again pushed his head against her stomach, savouring this feeling for as long as it was allowed. "You were right. You were right about everything, about me."
Aaliyah shuffled in his hold until he loosened his grip and looked at her again, only for her to sink to her knees, and without another thought or a warning kissed him. Slowly, gently, but with a full display of her emotions. Everything she ever felt to Anakin was there, love, sadness, desperation, lust, desire, frustration, anger. She didn't need words and he understood. With everything he had in him, he responded to her kiss with his own confusing, chaotic mixture of feelings.
It almost felt like too much, for both of them, but they let the desire swallow them. Now, they were barely keeping their heads above the surface, sinking deeper and deeper. It was only a matter of moments when they would be too deep for return. And it was Anakin who pulled away first, as much as he didn't want to. With his lips in a thin line, he looked over Aaliyah's face as if he wanted to remind himself of every blemish, every freckle on her face. He used to count them, in the early mornings on Coruscant, when she would be peacefully sleeping next to him. He used to know every single one by heart, he used to kiss every freckle on her face or her body.
"If you love something, set it free," he said quietly, almost as if he didn't even want to. And he didn't. Those words tasted like poison on his tongue, burning his throat down to his lungs and continued to spread to every part of his body. Everything in him told him to stop, to not let her go, but his heart told him otherwise. If he wanted her and if he wanted for her to want him like she used to, he had to be worthy. If she's meant to be his, she would return. If she's really his, he would find her again.
He was still haunted by her words during their argument that happened weeks ago. He still heard it in his ears, every time he tried to sleep, every time he tried to do anything. "And maybe I also love somebody who's not real. Somebody who I thought you were," that's what she said to him, and it hurt him more than he would ever be willing to admit.
Aaliyah didn't say anything, quietly watching the conflict within him. Almost the same one she had within herself. Stay or leave? What to do when she wants to do both but neither at the same time? Suddenly, when it might be her choice, she didn't know how to decide. But before she could react, he slowly stood up, catching one of her hands with his own. Anakin was quietly watching her, seeing the confusion and question in her eyes. It was so hard to follow his plan when she looked at him like this.
"Come," he mumbled, turning around to lead her out of the room, still tightly holding her hand. She knew what was going on, he didn't have to say it for her to detect his intentions. But somehow, she couldn't feel relief or some similar positive emotion. Her heart was breaking because his own was. Loudly.
Anakin's broad body was tensed, when he led her through the fortress, and her feet almost didn't want to follow him. Like a little child, she wanted to push against him and beg him to not send her away, but that's how it's supposed to be. When he lets her go, she will finally join the fight out there. Maybe his decision will bring some kind of closure between them.
He brought her to the hangar without uttering a word, when he stood next to a small spaceship, he reluctantly turned to her and pushed down a single button so the ramp to the ship opened. The whole time, he was looking at her, blue eyes nearly begging her to stay, but she couldn't. This was for the best, for both of them. That's what she told herself, trying to convince her weeping heart that was resisting. As if the tendrils of the force wrapped around her throat, she wasn't able to say anything to him, but she wanted to scream and yell and maybe cry. Like a small child whose favourite toy was being taken away.
"No one is going to stop you," he said as soon as another two people entered through the hangar door, Oisin still in carbon freeze floating next to them.
Surprised, she looked back at Anakin. This time he was looking at the ground, both fists tightly clenched, chest heaving. He was mad, frustrated, he went against everything he was taught his whole life, against himself. He's letting her go with the man that made him see red, whose feelings to Aaliyah was making the Sith Lord so jealous he could explode if he was dwelling on the thought for too long.
"Anakin," she started, but he cut her off when he took a long step away from her.
"Go, before I change my mind," he almost snapped at her, hoping she couldn't hear his wounded heart shattering inside his chest. Maybe Aaliyah couldn't hear it, but she could feel it. All around him, in the force. It was bitter, heavy, making it hard for her to breathe.
Without thinking about her action much, she leapt forward and hugged him, tightly around his waist, not expecting him to return it. But he did, although his hands were loose around her body, as though he would not be able to let her go if he hugged her tighter.
"I…Maybe…maybe someday," Aaliyah stumbled over her own words when she whispered right next to his ear. He slightly nodded his head and let her go. Perhaps she imagined it, but one of his hands shook slightly when he reached to his belt and unclipped her lightsaber from it. Just for a second, he looked at the metal hilt, caressing it gently, before he handed it to her. She took it and Anakin took another two steps away from her, looking anywhere but Aaliyah, who was slowly walking backwards, still watching Anakin with wide eyes. Only when her foot hit the ramp she swiftly turned around and almost run up into the ship. She couldn't watch the heartbreak in his eyes anymore.
Maybe she should have said more.
Why do I feel so guilty? Aaliyah asked herself when she sat on the pilot chair.
Betrayal, that's what she felt like. As though she was betraying Anakin, and that feeling got only worse the farther away from him she was.