Chapter 4. Dragons and Donkeys…Can Mix? Part 4

The flight to Berk was somber for the most part. Fiona was so emotionally exhausted from the ordeal that she'd reverted to human form. Puss had agreed to fly Toothless and keep watch over Hiccup while Astrid lead the way for the group. Heather kept her word and helped the still blind Dragon keep up with them, all the while praising Fishlegs for his key part in their victory over Farquad.

"What you did was incredible, Fish! How'd you even know your sword could do what it did?" Fishlegs blushed a bit, as he usually did when Heather praised him. He looked at the blade in question and found he could do little more than shrug.

"Would you believe it just…told me?" This answer got Puss' attention and he found himself again recalling his days in San Lorenzo. He directed Toothless to fly close to the couple and allow him to get a good look at Fishlegs' weapon.

"Hmmm…Senor Patas de pez, I believe I know what that sword is. Years ago, I guarded over a town whose citizens received a visit from the Goodsword. This was a living magical weapon whose purpose was to serve those who fought for good and granted them great power. I soon found out that there were other similar weapons in the world and it seems you were chosen to wield this one."

Heather beamed at her boyfriend upon hearing this while Fishlegs just looked at the sword, amazed and yet uncertain. They're right, you know, I did choose you. Don't make me regret it!

Fishlegs was startled to once again hear the sword's mysterious voice, the same one that had advised him on defeating Farquad. The cold and insulting tone was equally unexpected and made him uneasy. Heather's smile however, soon caused him to quickly forget what he'd heard.

…

Snotlout huffed when jealousy as he flew close by enough to hear Fishlegs' praises being sung. He honestly was trying to be better, but Viking pride wasn't easy to overcome. This was especially true for Jorgensons.

"Lighten up, 'lout and let Fishlegs have this. He's more than earned it. Besides, you're a good enough Viking without any special magic help." Astrid remarked from her place beside Snotlout.

Snotlout's mood instantly improved and he smiled. It still held hints of his brash cockiness, but was genuine and even a bit humble. "Well, you're right of course. That magic sword probably would have a tough time improving my already legendary skills. It's best to give it to someone who can actually use it. Just chalk it up to the Snotman's all too generous nature."

Astrid laughed, but not unkindly. Snotlout loved the sound and having it directed at him made it even sweeter. He glanced back at Hiccup's unconscious form and felt a slight ping of guilt. The "classic Snotlout" would've bragged if the scrawny Viking was awake for it, at least if the situation was less serious. Now he wondered one thing: did Astrid feel guilty too?

…

Dragon caused a slight tremor when she landed in the middle of Berk and caused many to emerge from their huts to investigate. They were almost immediately taken aback by both her size and who rode upon her. Their worry doubled once they took note of Hiccup's unconscious form. Gobber was the only one to keep calm as he approached, at least at first.

"Well, didn't expect to see you lot back here any-Odin's ghost, a troll! And is that Hiccup!? What have you done to these kids, ye foul demon!?"

Shrek groaned in irritation. "Again with trolls! Why does everyone think I'm a troll!? Look, if I'm bein' honest, I'm a bit excited to be here, so why don't we just-?

Gobber was too busy fastening a mace to his prosthetic arm to listen. He then let out a yell and swung at Shrek, only to be stopped by Astid. "No! Gobber, he's our friend and he has a dragon just like us. He needs help just as badly as Hiccup."

The blacksmith/dragon dentist looked aghast. "Are ye daft, lass!? If trolls learn how to train dragons, no one's left sock is safe. They might even start pilferin' the right sock along with 'em!"

"He already said he's not a troll Gobber," Stoick said as he suddenly approached with Skullcrusher not far behind, "and I believe him. What's your name, ogre? What business do you have here?"

Despite his formal tone, there was a look of wonderment in the eyes of Berk's chief as he appraised the newcomers. Even Gobber had never seen it before. Some even began to speculate that this was the same look Hiccup had when he beheld Toothless for the first time.

"Uh…Shrek. My name is Shrek, this is my wife, Fiona, my friend, Puss, and I just need ya to help my dragon."

Stoick nodded slowly as he took this in. "Well, Shrek, my grandfather told me stories of the days when your kind were the enemy of all Vikings. He even told me of how he fought both the ogre chief, Sulak the Terrible and his son, Steig the Devourer, to save my father after he was born."

Shrek winced at the mention of his father and grandfather. Steig had gone on endlessly about his bond with Sulak during Shrek's childhood and how he'd happily aided his father in terrorizing the Viking Tribes. He'd also commented on how eating his own alleged runt of a child was his way of recapturing his glory days of his youth. Now Shrek knew exactly what that meant.

"But," Stoic continued, "my father told me that the ogres weren't ever real and that dragons were the enemy of all Vikings. Both he and my grandfather were good chiefs, good parents, and great warriors, but they were also wrong about a lot of things. I haven't always measured up to them in some areas, but Odin knows I've been wrong." He cast a forlorn look at Hiccup when he said this. "Considering all that, all I have to say to ye is…welcome to Berk. Thank ye for bringin' my son home."

…

Over the next few days, Hiccup and Dragon slowly recuperated while Shrek, Fiona, and Puss enjoyed Berk's hospitality. Shrek in particular showed a rather unexpected fondness for the Hairy Hooligans and their way of life, regularly joining them for sparring and other activities. No one blinked at his manners or hygiene and his jokes always got a laugh from someone other than Puss. Even Gobber warmed up to him after discovering their mutual fondness for ear wax and it's various applications. Puss quickly found himself the favorite of most of the adult female Vikings, charming many with his accent and general adorableness. The only thing that really rankled him were their comments on the size of his sword.

Fiona on the other hand, spent much of her time with the younger generation. Coco still needed tending to after all and the Riders had proven themselves good company already. Astrid and Heather in particular were keen to learn her martial arts as well as the most eager to help her care for the young Dronkey apart from Fishlegs.

But it was the children of Berk who remained the Princess' favorite. She often agreed to babysit the majority of them all at once and spent hours telling stories of her time with Shrek and the people she knew back home. They had trouble learning martial arts so she settled for teaching them how to make live balloon animals instead. They even enjoyed watching her make birds explode with her singing.

The one thing that tainted these sweet moments for Fiona was the fact that the children had yet to see her ogre form. She had remained in human form since arriving on Berk and had seen no reason to transform since. It soon dawned on her that she was afraid to and she had no idea why. Even the Riders thought her transformation when they'd first seen her was a fluke brought up by stress because they'd yet to finish the book. Why had she failed to correct them? Thankfully, with Dragon soon to be recovered, they could return home without anyone having to dwell on it.

At least, that's what Fiona thought until her husband came to her one day with a rather shocking proposal. "You want to stay here!?" Shrek looked up from the sword he was sharpening and stared at his wife in surprise.

"Well…aye. I mean, I'm thinking about it. What's wrong with that?"

Fiona stared at Shrek with an incredulous look on her face. "What's wrong!? What's wrong is that this isn't our home!" She gestured towards the hut they currently stayed in. It had once belonged to old Midew, who hadn't been seen by anyone on Berk in over three years and that was just how they liked it. All that remained was his belongings and weaponry which Shrek had put to good use.

"It can be our home, dear. Stoic and everyone else likes us, don't they?" Shrek asked hopefully.

"Yeah," Fiona agreed reluctantly, "but what about… the swamp? You love that place and I love it too. Don't you miss it?"

Shrek paused to consider this. "Aye, I do…but what have we really got there? People are afraid of us and we deal with villagers every other Tuesday. At least on Berk there's no flaming torches, no pitchforks, no Donkey, no judgment, no Donkey. Huh? Huh?"

Shrek beamed even more hopefully at his wife, who didn't look amused. "Speaking of Donkey, have you even considered how Coco and Dragon might feel? Their whole family is who knows how far away from here and what about Puss? You can't expect him to live the rest of his life surrounded by water."

Shrek quickly became flustered. "Okay, I admit it's not perfect, but we can make it work. Can't you at least try? I've seen you havin' fun around here too you know!"

This made Fiona angry. "Oh, I'm the one who needs to try? How hard did you first try with my parents!?"

"That's different!" Shrek was yelling now and almost swung his sword in the process. He was quick to put it down beside the bed before continuing.

"All I'm sayin' is that I was willin' to change things if it made you happy then. Why aren't you willin' to do the same!?" Fiona winced as if she'd been struck and Shrek immediately regretted his words. He moved to reach out to her, only to have her turn away.

"I'm sorry I made you feel like you had to change, but I didn't really mean it. I thought you knew that." Shrek sighed wearily and sat down on the bed, his guilt suddenly exhausting him.

"I do and I'm sorry. "It's just that… the truth is bein' here is a dream come true for me." This remark made Fiona turn around and Shrek sighed again.

"When I was a lad, I wanted more than anythin' to be a Viking, even when my Da told me stories of why I should hate them more than anyone else. I used to dream of a life of daring on the high seas, seeing the world and storming distant beaches. It all sounded like a dream to a six year old kid living in a bog. The one thing I looked forward to after getting kicked out on my seventh birthday was finally getting a chance to really try it and you can guess how that turned out."

Watching her husband's ear stalks droop, what was left of Fiona's anger faded. "You never told me this before." Shrek could only shrug in response and this seemed to clench it for him. His wife gently lifted his chin up and gave him a clear view of her warm smile.

"I can't promise much, another week at most. Coco and Dragon still have a home of their own to get back to and Mom and Dad would never allow us to move even further away from them. Deal?"

"Deal." Shrek kissed her warmly on the mouth and looked into her eyes with pure adoration. "I love you, Fiona."

"I love you too, Shrek and while we're talking, I wanted to share something with you that Mom brought up during our visit. Have you ever-?" A sudden pounding on the hut door brought Fiona's question to a halt.

They opened the door to find Astrid and Stormfly, the former looking impatient and excited all at once. "Are you guys ready yet? I don't want Heather to think I've chickened out."

…

After a quick explanation, Fiona remembered how Astrid had recently challenged Heather to a belching contest and asked her to serve as judge. She'd agreed after being promised that she'd get winner and that they'd also get to see the long awaited bout between Heather and Fishlegs. She also invited Shrek to come along and finish their conversation but the ogre declined rather quickly and mumbled an excuse to make himself scarce for much of the day. Fiona tried to get him to change his mind, even challenging him to face off against her and teasing him about his previous losses, but to no avail. She could only guess that he'd deduced what she wanted to talk about and planned to avoid the subject as long as possible.

The Princess' annoyance with her husband quickly faded however once she'd mounted Stormfly and flown to the former kill arena/dragon academy, the site of today's contest. Her competitive spirit was high and she was immediately pleased to see a small audience in attendance. This consisted of Fishlegs, Snotlout, Coco, the Dragon Explorers, and Gustav.

The teenage leader of Astrid's Auxiliary Riders was a bit off-putting to Fiona at first, especially when he tried flirting with her and introd. She learned to be just a bit more patient with him however after learning how his mother regularly neglected and even sold him once. Snotlout, admitting to some part in these events and treating Gustav somewhat harshly since, had been trying to be a better mentor to the younger Rider as of late alongside Astrid and the others, hence his presence today.

Heather and Windshear swooped down to make their grand entrance a few moments after Stormfly landed. The Dragon Explorers immediately become excited and gathered around her, eager to greet the one they had already begun calling "Aunt." Fishlegs always blushed when he heard this, but his smile seemed wider each time as well.

Heather responded by dismounting her dragon and scooping all three into a big hug. She then kissed Brenda's forehead, tickled Shrug, and allowed Brant to feel her muscles before sauntering over to Astrid with a cocky smirk on her face. "Ready to lose, Astrid?"

The blonde Shield Maiden simply scoffed as she dismounted and walked over to her opponent. "You wish! I've been practicing against Stormfly for days now and there's no way you can win. Prepare to bow at my feet."

The Berserker Tribe girl scoffed in reply. "No thanks! I get near those rank feet of yours and I'm laid up with Hiccup."

Astrid feigned offense. "My feet are fine! I shared a hut with you on boot night, remember? One whiff after you take yours off would send the Dragon Hunters into a full scale retreat." The two friends glared at each other for a moment, then burst out laughing.

"Okay you two, enough smack talk." Fiona interjected with a chuckle. "Heather, you get to start us off."

The Berserker Tribe girl nodded and began sucking in a big breath The immense belch she unleashed was enough to blast Astrid's hair back and feel the arena with a powerful stench. Fiona could detect a hint of weed-rat stew from last night's dinner in the Great Hall. It turned out Heather had developed a taste for such things during her travels and she and Shrek had even playfully argued over whose recipe was superior before deciding to combine the two.

Said combination had Astrid looking a nauseous after Heather's belch ended a minute or so later. Fiona proceeded to write "9.5" on a sign and held it up for them both to see, similar to how Puss and Donkey had judged her and Shrek during their own contest. The Berserker Tribe girl saw this score, then crossed her arms over her chest and gave her friend/rival a smug looking raised eyebrow/asymmetrical smirk. "Beat that!"

The Dragon Explorers, with the expected exception of Shug, went wild for their "Aunt." Fishlegs was impressed, proud, and intimidated all at once. Astrid tried not to look the same as she waved the burp smell away.

"Not bad, I guess. But check this out!" Astrid's belch managed to be just a bit louder and carried the smell of fish that had been half-digested by Stormfly. The pungency of it suggested that said fish had been eaten not even an hour before the contest. Fiona gave it a solid "10" and declared Astrid the winner of the first round.

"You're good, Astrid, really good." Heather complimented sincerely. " I've never been out-belched before but don't get cocky. I'm just getting warmed up." Astrid only grinned a delighted grin in response

"What would you say to a farting contest later? I'll bet you and Windshear never had those before." Heather frowned slightly, thinking of how she had yet to beat her Razorwhip whenever they did just that. Astrid might have been easier to beat, but she didn't want to take any chances, at least not until either Shrek or Fiona taught her to fish with her flatulence.

"I'd rather just have another flex-off if it's all the same to you. Windshear can never do it correctly and you're the first person in a while who can take me on even after I've worked out. Of course, I could always ask Fishlegs."

"Don't you dare!" Both friends laughed and did their wrist-bump handshake right before the second round began. and they quickly resumed belching back and forth . Their admirers cheered them on with everything they had and began playfully teasing each other every time their favorite competitor let out a particularly impressive burp. Eventually, Astrid once again gained an edge with a particularly foul belch that smelled like week-old mead.

"Give it up, Heather. I think I got you beat." The Berserker girl couldn't respond at first, having launched into a coughing fit. Once she stopped, she puffed out her chest and walked straight up to Astrid, staring her down.

"Yeah?

"Yeah!"

"Yeah!?

"Yeah!"

Fiona called an end to the face off by whistling. "One more bout, you two. Winner take all!" The two competitors nodded and stepped back to face off once more.

Astrid was given the signal to start them off and sucked in a huge lungful of air. The resulting belch echoed across Berk and was heard by Shrek as he sat on the beach, contemplating his and Fiona's earlier discussion. When it finally ended, Heather looked stunned and even a bit scared.

"Wow, Astrid," The Berserker Tribe girl began in a meek sounding voice, "all I can say is…that was so weak! You call that a belch? Now this, this is a belch!"

Heather proceeded to unleash a truly massive belch that sounded like a dragon's roar, shaking the arena and possibly all of Berk while blasting her opponent with a foul smelling fog reminiscent of Barf and Belch. The dragons present, Windshear included, took to the air in fear while Toothless forced himself to leave Hiccup's bedside in order to hide. Shrek also felt the tremors, but was too depressed to care. After two and a half minutes of this , Astrid, now a very ogre looking shade of green, passed out right after saying "you win, Heather."

A rather stunned Fiona agreed and gave the Berserker Tribe girl an official victory. Heather responded with a victory dance while the Ingermans watched on. "Aunt Heather is so awesome! That was almost as great as when she defeated Skuld the Sorceress and saved the whole Thunderhead Tribe!" Brenda exclaimed while remembering what she'd been told of the Berserker Tribe Rider's exploits.

"Yeah," Brant agreed, "and don't forget how she also beat Norbert the Nutjob and Harald Forkbeard. But my favorite is the story of how she fought King Stormheart. He must've been the worst."

This annoyed Brenda a bit and she turned to face her brother. "Nuh-uh! Aunt Heather told me that her worst enemies were King Stormheart's two daughters, Nikora and Eir."

Brant frowned slightly at his sister. "Well, what about Madguts the Murderous? He almost beat her."

"Nuh-uh! That was Maeve and the Dragonroot company!" Fishlegs chuckled slightly as he butted in. "Come on guys, we all know that Aunt-that Heather is too awesome be beaten by any of those jerks."

Shrug nodded enthusiastically and his siblings were quick to concede this point. They then heard Heather chuckle. "For the record, my worst enemy will always be Dagur the Deranged. Second place has to go to Barb the Barbarian."

Fishlegs involuntarily shuddered at the name. Heather had spoken a great deal more about Barb to him than any of her other enemies. She apparently shared his girlfriend's interest in more scholarly Vikings and would go to violent lengths in order to secure their attentions, reacting even more violently when rejected. Knowing this and hearing about her various atrocities was enough to almost make him tolerate Ruffnut's advances.

Barb had recently also been revealed as the only one besides Astrid to ever come close to beating Heather in both a flex-off and belching contest. Fishlegs was about to make light of this when his noticed his girlfriend seemed less happy than before. "What's wrong, Heather? You feeling guilty about beating Astrid?"

Heather shook her head. "No, but Fiona was supposed to take me on next and she backed out last minute. It was really strange."

Then, the Berserker Tribe girl's face brightened. "Hey, I guess that means it's our turn, Fish! You ready to take me on?"

The Dragon Explorers got excited, but their uncle was hesitant. He thought he heard his sword snarl in frustration. " Don't you think we should get our dragons back first? You gave them quite a scare ya know."

"I guess you're right. But after that, it's just you and me, one on one. Don't think your magic sword will help you then."

Heather's tone was light and teasing, but the sword in question refused to accept this. "You see how she mocks us? Mocks you? Accept her challenge now and allow me to humble her! If I don't, she may leave you."

"Quiet!" Fishlegs snapped, accidentally startling Heather and the Dragon Explorers before he realized what he'd done. "Oh! No, not you guys, it's just…oh, forget it!"

The group walked off in search of their scattered dragons, now feeling awkward and unsettled. Fiona was feeling much the same as she observed them from her hiding place behind a row of huts. It may have been stupid to chicken out from facing Heather when that was what she'd asked for, but the Berserker girl was good. So good in fact that it would take transforming for her to win. Who knows what they would do if that happened? Now overcome with fear and paranoia, she ran off in an effort to locate Shrek and convince him to start for home that very night!

…

…

"Yo, Astrid! You in there? Wake up!"

Snotlout shook the blond shield-maiden a bit roughly, hoping it would at least cause her to lose her green color. Man, Heather was good! Gustav approached from behind with Fanghook, the one dragon, who didn't fly off, and laughed. "That was awesome! Hiccup's gonna be real sorry he missed this!"

Snotlout was about to reply when he felt Astrid stir. She muttered a few words under her breath: "Hiccup, what's wrong? Why don't you -?"

Hearing Hiccup's name made Snotlout feel oddly hurt. Was he really on Astrid's mind right now when…? A sad sigh escaped the young Jogenson when it dawned on him. What was he even thinking? Of course Astrid had Hiccup on her mind. Why would that ever change, especially for him?

…

Lord Farquad was thankful that he no longer possessed a working bladder. It made it so much easier for him to at least pretend he could bare the many horrors of the Neitherworld with all the dignity his title implied. He only wished that he'd been better at it the first time around, when he was newly dead and hadn't yet learned how to haunt his old castle. The things he'd seen back then had made him fear for his life, an impressive feat when one was already a ghost.

But the closer he got to his destination, the more he felt his façade of confidence slip. The other inhabitants of the Neitherworld had told him a bit more about the creature he sought to ally himself with and the things she'd done since arriving. Everyone agreed that she was far worse than even the Bloodwolf, who had escaped his imprisonment there some time ago and almost conquered the living world until he was imprisoned again in a place called the Realm of Shades. The ogres' new talking cat friend had apparently been involved.

Farquad tried not to think of such things when he finally did reach the beast's lair, a demonic looking recreation of the volcano that had been her nest in life. Ghosts of her many victims, ogres, dragons and Vikings alike who had either been killed by her or the war she'd started, hovered around the area and moaned in torment as if trying to dissuade intruders like him from approaching. Some were quite clearly the ancestors of those delinquent Dragon Riders and their pets. Seeing them only made Farquad more determined to go through with his plans.

The diminutive ghost cupped his hands to his mouth and yelled out "GREETINGS, OH MIGHTY DRAGON QUEEN! I AM YOUR HUMBLE SERVANT, LORD FARQUAD OF DULOC, COME TO BEG YOUR AID AGAINT OUR COMMON ENEMIES, YOUR TREACHEROUS SUBJECTS AND THEIR VIKING ALLIES!" A long moment passed where nothing happened. The other ghosts looked at him with various expressions of disbelief, disdain, and even pity. Then the volcano began trembling so violently that the whole Neitherworld seemed to shake.

The surrounding spirits scattered themselves as quickly as they could, leaving Farquad to face the immense figure that burst from the mountain in an immense blast of fire and ectoplasm. The Red Death, now glowing with a ghostly crimson aura that better lent itself to her name, narrowed all six of her eyes at this unwanted intruder and growled dangerously. Farquad merely gazed at her in awe. She was perfect!

End Part 4

Notes: Circumstances have forced me to split this part in half, but it will be worth it! P.S. Heather's rogues gallery are all references to HTTYD comics, online games, and the original book series. They would be her enemies in the spin-off series I wish Dreamworks would give her.