The Dwyer Disruption (pt. 4)

Need to know(s):

Theme song: Enemy Fire ~ Bea Miller

Characters: Loki, Brynn

Rating: T (language)

Genre: Family, Friendship, Angst, Comfort

Summary: Loki and Brynn finally have their heart-to-heart.

Brynn couldn't focus. She couldn't focus on the video Mr. Penske was playing; she couldn't focus on the sarcastic comments Devon was making to supplement the video; she certainly couldn't focus on the notes she was supposed to be taking; she could focus on nothing except that upsetting sensation of distress curling through her chest that she knew came from her brother. She had the bracelet of his hair pinched tightly between her left thumb and index finger as she desperately tried to reach out through the telepathic link to reach him: Loki? Loki, I know you can hear me—answer me! Please! Are you okay? What's wrong? What's going on? Please, talk to me! Loki!

He didn't answer her. She knew he could feel how worried she was about him, but he refused to answer her! It was driving the teen crazy! Seriously, it was getting to the point Brynn was considering sneaking off during lunch and playing hooky for the rest of the day just so she could go find Loki and ask him "What the hell?!". Maybe she wouldn't even wait that long: Lunch was still a period away. Maybe she'd be able to sneak off between this period and the next period. Yeah, if she asked Mr. Penske if she could go to the bathroom—it was close to the end of the period now, he always let you go if it was close to the end of the period—she'd have a great chance to slip away before anyone missed her. Yeah, that's what she'd do!

Letting go of her bracelet, Brynn was just about to raise her hand and ask to leave when the classroom's intercom buzzed.

"Mr. Penske," the school receptionist's voice came through the 'com, "Brynn's guardian is here to pick her up. He says it's an emergency."

All eyes in the room suddenly swiveled to Brynn, but the girl didn't care as she was much too busy now packing up her things. Loki was here for her, he said it was an emergency; whatever this was, it had to do with why he'd been feeling distressed all day and why he hadn't answered her. But what was it? Something to do with S.H.I.E.L.D and the Avengers? Something with the farm? Something with Asgard?

"Of course," Mr. Penske answered the call. "I'll send her right up."

Brynn was already on her feet with her bag slung over her shoulder and hurrying out of the room before Mr. Penske even had time to dismiss her. Once she was out in the hall, she was running. She had to get to the office; she had to get to Loki!

The Biology room was on the third floor of the school, but like her friends, Brynn had mastered the art of handrail sliding, so she cut out a lot of steps and time to get where she needed to be. Still, but the time she came in sight of the office, she'd been going at her top speed and was so worried as to be on the brink of an episode that she was still winded. Loki was standing there at the front desk. He was wearing that well-practiced emotionless mask, but Brynn knew better—could feel it in her chest. "Loki?" she puffed, sounding worried.

"I've already signed you out," the man responded, holding a hand out to her. "Come, let's go."

Without thinking, Brynn took his hand, noting just how tightly he squeezed hers in the process. That only made her more worried. What is going on? Despite her desire to know, she held off on the questions as she let her brother lead her out of the building and to their vehicle. She didn't even say anything when he opened the passenger door for her, but she did meet his gaze with another nervous look.

Loki shook his head. "Not yet," he murmured. "Not here." He reached out to cup her cheek as he kissed her forehead in apology and reassurance that it would be soon.

Brynn closed her eyes and leaned into it, reaching up with a hand to squeeze his that touched her face. Then she met his eyes again before climbing into the SUV. She watched her guardian as he shut her door and made his way around the vehicle to the other side, always searching his face for anything that might tell her was this was about, but she couldn't find anything.

It wasn't until they were driving away from the school that Loki finally allowed his mask to slip and expose the distress on his face. Without looking, he reached across the console to find the girl's hand and hold it again. He could feel her gaze still on him. "I'm sorry about this," he murmured, "but… this is all new to me and I didn't know how else-"

"Loki," Brynn cut him off, squeezing his hand in both of hers and leaning closer, "what's wrong?" She stared intently up at him.

The Asgardian looked away from driving to meet his charge's eyes for a moment. Those big, beautiful blue-gray eyes; he loved those eyes. But he didn't love how they were currently so upset, and that was all entirely due to him. Guilt squirmed through Loki's heart and with it more fear that what Ms. Dwyer had implied might be true. "I'm sorry," he muttered again, looking back to the road.

"Sorry for what?"

Loki didn't answer. Instead, he focused on teleporting both of them and the SUV home. They reappeared with a slight jostle in front of the Hagel farmhouse and Loki put it into park and switched off the engine. Then they just sat there, hand in hand, in heavy silence.

Brynn watched her brother, closely, still searching for any clue. "Loki," she said softly, "you're scaring me, and you've been freaking me out all day by not talking to me. We're not at the school anymore—we're not in town—we're finally home, so please, tell me what's going on."

Loki remained silent for a long time, trying to think of how to start and what to say. Being blunt—however unintentional—had worked quite well with Mr. Tyler: Perhaps it would be easiest to do the same thing here. "Are you happy, Brynn?" the god finally asked, looking over at her again. "I mean, in having a life with me? Are you happy with me; do I make you happy?"

Brynn looked at the god, stunned. Why on earth would he be asking her this? "Loki… you know I am," she answered sincerely. "You can feel that I am."

"You're happy currently, yes," Loki conceded, looking away from her again, "but what about later on? I… don't know much about Midgardian life yet, Princess; at least not one such as this—I'm still very much learning. I might not know everything you'll want or need when certain times come."

"Loki-"

The god looked down at his hands as he began to fidget and pick at his palms. "And the truth is, my presence in your life could, in fact, hinder or even prevent some occurrences that you would be expected to have as a teenager."

"… Loks… is this a talk about boys?"

"Well, it's not the only thing I'm referencing, but it is a good example to start with."

"Loki, after everything that's happened this last year, I can assure you boys aren't exactly a priority for me right now. I mean, if a cute guy does happen to ask me out, I'm not exactly gonna turn down the invitation, but other than that-"

"What are the odds of that happening with me around, do you think, Brynn?" Loki offered the girl a wry smirk. "I think it's safe to say that I'm quite a bit more intimidating to face than your grandfather was. Do you believe a boy would take up the challenge?"

"… Well… I mean, if he didn't, then why would I want him? You've already ruined me for any guy that wouldn't fight for me." Brynn tried to offer her guardian a lighthearted smile, but he didn't take it.

"I'm serious, Brynn. The fact is you're at an age where you will eventually want to be dating if for no other reason than that your acquaintances are also dating. You may not have the chance to with me in your life."

"Loki, lots of teens never date in high school. It's okay—I don't care."

"You say that now, you may feel differently later on. And lack of a dating life is far from the worst thing my presence in your life could cause."

Another tense silence fell over the cab. Brynn felt a cold vice grip around her heart and stomach and clamp tight as she realized what Loki meant by those words. "You mean, like, how your enemies would use me to get to you," she muttered, her gaze falling to the floor of the vehicle. "You mean I could get hurt or worse again."

Loki looked over at the girl, but he didn't say anything in response. There wasn't really a need to respond to that.

Swallowing hard as tears pricked at her eyes, Brynn looked up at her guardian again. She felt like she was about to be sick. "So… wh-what are you saying?" she croaked, fearing what she might be about to hear.

Loki gave her a sorrowful look. "I… don't really know yet, Brynn," he admitted softly.

"Because you know that to protect me from that you'd have to leave," Brynn said, her voice quivering. That sick feeling in her stomach grew worse as the vice inside of her tightened. She was fighting to keep her breathing under control. "I mean, like, leave leave—for good. Like, we'd never see each other again. Ever." Tears began trickling unheeded down the teen's cheeks. "Is… is that what you want?"

Almost unheeded, Loki's hands were flying to the teen's face to wipe her tears away. "No!" he quickly exclaimed, his stomach twisting in a slight panic as he rushed to try and reassure his charge. This situation was already tense enough, the last thing the Asgardian needed was for Brynn to get the impression that he didn't want to be with her anymore, that he was rejecting her. Such a thing had already happened once with her own mother, and he didn't need to be needlessly traumatizing her in such a way again. "Oh, no, Darling, no! I don't want to leave you at all; that's not what I'm saying."

"Then what are you saying, Loki?"

"I'm saying… I'm saying I want what's best for you, Brynn. I'm saying I want to make sure that you're as safe and secure and happy as you can possibly be—as you deserve to be." Loki sighed heavily and looked away again. "And I'm just wondering if I'm the right person to give you all of that."

Brynn wiped her eyes, processing that confession. She knew at the beginning when he'd first been granted custody after her grandfather had passed, Loki had been nervous and wondered if he was up to the task, but that had been months ago; Loki had since proven himself to be quite the capable guardian since then. Yes, there had been the whole fiasco with Brynn being abducted by the Enchantress and her sister and used as a bargaining chip to force Loki to side with them in the coup of Asgard, and, yes, Brynn had almost died in the process—twice—but none of that had had anything to do with Loki's capabilities as a guardian. If anything the fact that she still lived to tell the tale was proof that his capabilities were on point; that he was ready and willing to do anything to ensure her security—just as any good guardian should. And if that was the only thing that Loki had been referring to—their relationship putting her at risk—Brynn would understand it. (Not like it any better, but understand it.) But that wasn't all he was referring to. So what on earth had caused Loki to suddenly wonder if he was a good enough guardian? As she recalled the day, Brynn thought she had an idea.

"You didn't start feeling upset until you went to have your meeting with Ms. Dwyer," the girl stated, looking closely at her brother again. "Is she the reason you're saying this stuff?"

Green eyes flickered to hers and then moved away again. That was answer enough.

Brynn snorted and shook her head, anger rising up in her chest. "That nosy, trouble-making bitch," she snarled, already plotting how to get revenge on Ms. Dwyer.

"Well, I won't deny the nosy part," Loki admitted, "but she wasn't wrong in what she said, Brynn. At least, not completely."

"And what was it that she said, exactly?"

"Essentially that we haven't known each other for very long, and she's right, Brynn. We've only been in each other's lives for a year. It was even less time than that when I was granted custody of you."

"Yeah. And?"

Loki looked at his charge again, meeting her gaze. "I love you, Brynna May Hagel," he declared. "I love you in such a way and to such a degree that I never knew possible. And I've loved you in such a way for a while now." The god smiled softly as the girl offered a small smile at his words. "And because of this, I want to be the best guardian for you." His smile slipped away. "How can I be that when I haven't known you for all that long? How can I possibly be the best guardian for you when I'm still very much learning about the basics of Midgardian life? How can I expect to adequately raise you when I know almost nothing about raising a child—Midgardian or otherwise?"

Before Loki had even finished, Brynn was awkwardly clambering out of her seat, over the center console, and into the Asgardian's lap, somehow managing to situate herself somewhat comfortably between him and the door and the steering wheel. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she buried her face in his chest. And just like that, she sat there, holding him close, melting into him as he brought his arms around her in turn. She was silent for a long time; not because she didn't know what to say or didn't have anything to say, but because there were some many things going around in her mind that she needed a little time to process and put them all together so that they made sense.

"That's how you're the best guardian for me," she muttered after a moment, voice muffled in his shirt. "You love me so much that you give me nothing but the best and do nothing but the best for me, even if you don't always understand everything." Brynn pulled her face out of his chest to meet his gaze with a small smile. "That's how you're the best guardian for me. That's why you're such an amazing guardian," she emphasized.

Loki shook his head. "I've made many mistakes as your guardian, Brynn," he stated.

"And you'll make tons more," Brynn pointed out. "Forever. That's okay. I'm not expecting you to be perfect—I'm just expecting you to be the best thing for me."

"How can anything less than perfect be the best thing for you, Princess?"

Brynn snorted and shook her head at the god. "Because I'm not perfect either. This is Midgard, Viking Boy—literally, nothing and no one here is ever perfect."

"My presence in your life will make things harder for you, Brynn. Harder and more dangerous."

"I don't think my life was ever meant to be very easy anyway. As for the dangerous part—ha! I laugh in the face of danger—ha-ha-ha-ha!"

Loki couldn't help the smirk that twisted his lips at that, but he still wasn't ready to back down from this. It was too important. "I'm serious, Brynna May," he said solemnly. "What happened with Amora and Lorelei could happen again, and it could be much, much worse."

"And you're the best thing to keep me safe if it does."

"Because I did such an amazing job of that last time."

"You saved me, Loki. Twice."

"After you nearly died because of me. Twice."

"I didn't nearly die because of you; I nearly died because the Sanderson rejects were straight-up psychos."

"Who knew the best way to make me cooperate with them would be to threaten your life. Hence the stabbing."

"… Does it qualify as a 'stabbing' when you're run completely through with a sword? 'Stabbing' seems too simple—it's more like a 'gutting'."

"Stabbing, gutting, or pricking your finger on a spindle, they knew to harm you to control me, and so you were nearly killed. And it never would have happened if I hadn't been in your life."

With that, Brynn reached up and took the man's face in gentle hands, turning him to face her. Blue-gray met and held emerald, gazing deep. "Loki, if you hadn't been in my life," the girl uttered softly, gravely, "I never would've made it last year."

Brynn's eyes glimmered with a sheen of tears as she pressed her lips into a thin line. "My entire life, I've done nothing but lose, Loki," she said. "You know that. I've lost everything: family, friends, pets. Then last year happens, and by some miracle, I get you; and then I start to get parts of my life back." Brynn offered a watery smile as she bumped her forehead against her guardian's and nuzzled him. She meekly giggled when he returned the affection. "That happened because of you," she told him. "Because you pushed me to get a hold of myself and start trying to live again. You gave my life back, Loki."

"I didn't give you anything," Loki countered, unable to keep from smiling at his charge. "I helped you gain it back, nothing more."

"It doesn't matter if you gave it back or just helped me get it back—it happened because of you," Brynn insisted, stroking his cheeks with her thumbs. "It only happened because of you. I never woulda done it on my own."

"Well, I had to get you out of the house and out of my hair somehow," Loki sneered playfully. "Otherwise I was going to go absolutely mad with your incessant sulking."

"You mean even more mad than you already are," Brynn shot back with a smirk.

Loki chuckled at the statement.

Brynn's gaze finally slipped from the god's as a melancholy shadow came over her face. Her hands slipped away from his cheeks to both come to rest pressed over his heart. "Then… Grandpa died," the teen murmured quietly, her heart aching as the pain was still so fresh—he hadn't been gone a year yet, after all. The tears trickled down her cheeks. "Grandpa died and… and I expected everything to do to shit again, just like it always did before. And it did. But it wasn't as bad as before. I mean, don't get me wrong, it all still sucked like hell but… it was at least bearable. The pain was at least bearable. And I didn't lose the rest of my life with it again." Brynn's eyes came back to Loki's. "That was because of you. You made everything bearable, Loki—you gave me the strength to push through it and not let go." Brynn swallowed hard and looked down again, focusing on her hands pressed into the center of his chest. "Because I would've let go," she admitted, voice breaking slightly, the tears coming harder, hotter. "I woulda let go if you hadn't been there, Loki; I woulda ended it all because I wouldn't've had anything to keep me here."

Loki said nothing because he knew. He'd always known the sheer depths of Brynn's depression, and grief, and fear in those weeks following her grandfather's passing; he knew because he'd felt that way himself not all that long ago after he'd lost his mother. It was why the god had taken special care to make sure that Brynn knew he was always there; that he would come whenever and wherever she needed him; that he loved her and would do anything for her. He had taken special care to make Brynn know that he was there and that he would not be going anywhere anytime soon: "Until the realms tumble down".

Brynn shook her head and wiped at her eyes and nose. "You're the only reason I'm still here, Loki," she sniffled. "You were the only thing that kept me going. And you're sitting here talking about how it would've been better for me if you hadn't been in my life? Yeah, I wouldn't've been Amora and Lorelei's pawn, but I wouldn't be alive either." The teen managed a small, triumphant smile. "And I think being alive is pretty worth it when I have you in my life, whatever else comes with you."

Smiling softly, Loki brushed the girl's hair out of her face. "I think you being alive is pretty worth it, too," he whispered, heart melting as he gazed into those gorgeous eyes of hers.

Brynn meekly giggled, as he touched his forehead against hers again for a moment. "So," she sighed, still drying her eyes, "now that you got me to pour my heart out to you about how much I love you, and need you, and how happy I am that you're in my life, can we just forget Ms. Dwyer and all the shit she said?"

Sighing heavily, Loki looked away from the girl as he shook his head. "Your words mean a great deal to me, Brynn," he stated, "and it's a relief to hear them, I'll admit." He met his charge's gaze again as he murmured, "But… Ms. Dwyer still has a point, Princess. As your guardian, it's my job to ensure that you're not just taken care of or loved, but that you're given the best chance at life you can have." The god shook his head. "I'm just not sure that your best chance lies with me."

Lifting one of her hands from his heart to his face again, Brynn cupped the man's cheek. "I've lived most of my life without you," she told him. "With people who loved me as much as you do and who I loved as much as I love you. I'm not saying I wasn't happy or that I didn't feel safe with them, and I'm not saying that I don't miss them and wish they were still here, because I do; but I never felt as safe or as happy with them as I do with you every day." Brynn's hand slipped from Loki's cheek down to his chin, where she gently but firmly gripped his jaw and pulled his face closer to hers so that they were nose-to-nose and Loki could focus on nothing but her severe gaze. "Take it from me: My best chance is you, Loki Odinson."