Chapter 18
It had been two days since the baby was born and today was the day that Lydia and Greg would arrive at the hospital. And that meant that it was the day when Erin would have to disclose her decision on the adoption. She had felt numerous eyes watching her over the past few days, attempting to study her body language from the way she was looking at the baby to how she was eating.
She had spent most of her time in the NICU whilst she recovered from her surgery, watching over the baby. She didn't like leaving her alone, it didn't seem fair that her first few days, the days when she was fighting for her life, she was left alone. So she stayed in there and she watched as the baby got stronger, as she started spending small amounts of time off the oxygen and she was there to hold her the first time.
It was a moment that she'd never forget; she had been sat by the baby's incubator, holding her hand through the plastic and whispering secrets to her, about Hank and Camille, Jay and her life over the past seven months. She knew that she wouldn't remember it but she wanted her baby to know the best parts of her, to make her first days full of love and hope. Maybe that would be enough to heal her.
A nurse had walked in to the room to check the baby's obs and that was when she got the news, the best news she'd heard in a while.
"You know I just spoke to Dr Carter," she told her with a smile. "She says that baby is ready to be held for the first time."
Erin felt her chest tighten, anticipation filling her veins and suddenly all the tiredness and pain from the past few days were gone and all that remained was her focus on the baby in front of her. She couldn't speak but she nodded enthusiastically to the nurse who settled her back in the chair and slowly opened up the incubator so she could wrap the baby up and hand her to Erin. She had wires attached to her and an oxygen tube but all Erin could see was her perfect little body that was squirming as she was handed to her, showing her strength.
At first all Erin could do was stare at her, she looked over every part of her, her tiny fingernails and her ears that were so small it was unbelievable that they allowed her to hear.
When the nurse was satisfied that there wasn't going to be an emergency she gave them some privacy and allowed Erin a moment alone with her baby.
"Hi baby," she said, stroking the side of her head until she opened her eyes, her deep blue eyes that reminded her of oceans and diamonds at the same time. "I'm sorry you don't have a name yet, I never really thought of what I would want to name you."
She sighed and watched her baby for a second as she closed her eyes again.
"You know you saved my life?" she told her, even though the baby was currently sleeping. "If it wasn't for you I wouldn't have everything that's good in my life right now. My life was… it was tough before, the people in my life weren't the kind of people that should be in anyone's life."
"But then I found out about you," she continued, smiling at the peaceful baby in her arms. "If it wasn't for you I wouldn't have Hank and Camille, they're not my mom and dad but they're the closest things I have to that and they're just… they're the best people you'll ever meet, they look after me like parents should even thought they have no reason to."
She continued as she took the baby's hand again, stroking her thumb on her lower arm.
"And then there's Jay," she smiled, looking up to see him watching her from the NICU window. "And he has given me more love than I thought I deserved. He's my future, I really believe that. He's leaving right now but he'll come back, I believe him when he tells me that."
"Without you I wouldn't have graduated, I wouldn't have a future I can look forward to," she whispered. "You have given me so much and I love you for that, so much that I know that I have to give you everything I can."
"And that means that you can't grow up with me," she said, allowing tears to fill her eyes. "Because I can't give you everything right now, but I can give you parents that will do everything and more for you."
"But I love you," she professed to the sleeping baby. "I love you more than you'll ever know, and even if I don't see you for a while, I know that this isn't the end for us."
It was a decision that didn't feel completely right, but she knew it was what she had to do. And it felt right for the baby, this was what she deserved in life. A mom and dad who were ready for her, and weren't going to be still figuring their life out for the next however many years. And however terrified and miserable she was feeling about it, she was confident that it was the right decision, for everyone.
Jay had interrupted them at that point, seeing her crying from the window of the NICU, he had felt his protective nature take over.
"Is everything okay?" he asked urgently.
She nodded, and despite her tears he was reassured.
He then realised what he was seeing.
"You're holding her?" he questioned.
"Yeah," she affirmed. "They said she was ready."
He smiled as he watched her stroke her baby's head and he knelt down in front of her, trying to get closer to her and the baby that was holding his attention.
"She's so beautiful," he whispered, almost subconsciously.
"She is, isn't she?" Erin smiled, before taking a breath. "She doesn't look like Charlie," Erin said. "She doesn't look like Steve either."
"She looks like her mom," he said. "Like you."
She nodded, she had assumed that when she saw the baby she would know who the father was, she'd either have Charlie's dark hair or Steve's tanned skin. But she didn't have either, she didn't look like anyone but herself, and maybe that was for the best, that she didn't have some birth father in her life that would only have a negative effect on her life, whichever one it was.
But that was something she would think about another time, maybe in the future when she had questions about her birth dad then she'd be able to give some answers.
So instead she took the first step in the next stage of her life.
"I'm not her mom," Erin informed him.
"You've decided?" He asked, seemingly unsurprised by her final decision. "For definite?"
"Yes," she affirmed. "And I know in my heart it's the right decision, for both of us."
"You would have been a good mom you know," he told her, taking her free hand in his and squeezing it tight.
"I know I would," she smiled. "But she deserves a great mom, the best mom, and I can't be that for her right now."
"You will be the best mom one day," he told her.
"You going to stick around long enough to find out?" she asked him playfully.
"Definitely," he told her, pecking her lips. "And even when I have to go away, I promise I'll always come back to you."
"I know you will," she told him, truly believing everything that he was telling her.
In that moment she was certain of her future, that her and Jay would be here again in maybe ten years with another baby of their own. She'd be working as a cop and he'd be doing… something – he wouldn't be in the army at that point of their lives anyway; maybe Jay would be a cop as well, he'd be good at that.
"Do you want to hold her?"
"You sure about that?"
She nodded, he sat in the chair next to her and she handed him the baby. He looked at the baby and then back at her unsurely, silently questioning whether he was doing this right.
"You're doing great," she told him. "Just make sure to hold her head and you'll be fine."
It felt like she was looking at her future, watching Jay with her baby; although she hoped that next time they wouldn't be in the NICU. They'd sat there for what felt like hours, her holding the baby most of the time and him watching the two of them, falling in love with her even more, if that was even possible.
The moment that Greg and Lydia arrived confirmed to Erin that she had made the right decision. They had a bag full of baby supplies for her and excited yet nervous looks on their faces as they walked inside the NICU hand in hand.
Erin was with the baby at the time, she had decided that even though she couldn't be her mom she still didn't want the baby to be alone on the first few days of her life so she had been by her side during the day giving her cuddles and helping the nurses to care for her. She was desperately trying not to become attached to her because she knew that she was counting down until the moment she would have to say goodbye to her.
She was sat on a chair next to the baby's incubator holding the little girl in her arms as she slept when she saw Greg and Lydia walk in the room. She saw the worried look on their faces when they saw her holding their baby but she quickly reassured them by gesturing for them to come over and meet their baby.
"You ready to meet her?" Erin asked, trying to put a brave face on to hide her internal devastation.
Greg and Lydia were speechless but Lydia sat next to Erin and opened up her arms to hold the baby. Erin placed the baby in Lydia's arms and watched as she naturally held the baby close to her chest and cooed over the baby, looking over every detail of her and getting to know her baby. Greg was hovering over and watching as his wife held their baby for the first time.
Erin suddenly felt like she was intruding on the first real moment of this family and quietly walked away to meet Hank and Camille in the café in the hospital. She was holding herself together until Camille saw her and asked her if she was okay and then she felt tears start to roll down her cheeks.
"They're here," she said through her tears.
"Hey," Camille comforted her by putting her arms around her. "You're doing an amazing thing, remember that."
"Kid," Hank said gruffly. "That baby is the luckiest girl in Chicago right now because you gave her two parents who will give her everything she could ever need and she'll always have you there as well, even if it's not all the time. We can see how much you care about that baby and you're doing all of this for her."
"She's got more people caring about her than I ever did," Erin almost laughed through the tears.
"That's not true anymore Erin," Camille argued.
Erin thought back to the previous two days since she had given birth. Camille and Hank had barely left her side and hadn't complained once about being pretty much stuck at the hospital for over 48 hours. Jay had been more supportive than she could have asked for, there at the hospital when she needed him and giving her space when she needed that too. She'd had messages and phone calls from her friends at school and they were real, honest messages that she would never have received from her old 'friends' that she used to hang out with.
Her tears start to dry and she smiled at the people who had taken care of her over the past seven months, they had cared for her when she needed it, when her mom wouldn't and in some ways she saw Greg and Lydia in them. She hoped that by giving her baby she could break the cycle and give her baby the chance to be loved in the same way she had been over the last seven months from the beginning of her life.
"Do you have the book?" Erin asked Camille. "I want to give it to them today."
Camille smiled sadly at her, knowing that this meant that she was going to say goodbye to the baby today, at least for now.
"Hi guys," Erin greeted Lydia and Greg who were sitting by the baby's incubator. "Is she sleeping?"
Greg nodded while Lydia responded with a soft confirmation and smiled at Erin with a look on contentment on her face.
"I um," Erin hesitated for a second before gathering all of the courage she had in her to continue her talk with the parents of her baby. "I'm going to go home today, now that you guys are here for her so I wanted to give you this."
She handed them a large book that she had spent the past couple of months making with Camille, she hadn't been sure at the time whether she was going to be making it for memories for herself or to give to the baby as a way to remember her. It was a book that first told stories of Erin's life, leaving out some of the worst details but still sharing some of the difficulties that she had growing up, the book then transitioned into talking about the pregnancy and Erin's experiences during pregnancy, the friends she'd made, her feelings about the sonograms that she'd had and meeting Greg and Lydia for the first time. The final few pages had been written over the past couple of days, sharing her reasons for deciding on adoption and her experiences of having that first cuddle and how she had met the important people in Erin's life. One of the most treasured parts of the book were the photos that she'd included, particularly one that had been taken the day before of the two of them, Erin also had a copy of the photo and she knew it would be one of her most prized possessions for years to come.
Greg took the book gratefully.
"Thank you, Erin," he said. "We know that this isn't easy for you but we want you to know how much we appreciate what you have done for us, you've given us the family that we've always wanted and, in some way, you will always be part of our family and she will know that as she grows up."
Erin couldn't reply because she felt like her voice would crack and she would burst into tears, ruining this moment.
"We want you to know that we've decided to call her Ava Erin," Lydia told her. "If she grows up to be half as strong as you are then we'll have done something right."
She smiled in response, not even sure what she could say to that because she certainly didn't feel strong at that moment, she felt like she was about to crumble under the weight of the situation they were all in.
"We got you this necklace," Greg said as he handed her a gift box. "Ava has one too that matches, this way you'll always be near each other's hearts."
Later that day Erin signed the papers which finalized her giving up her parental rights, it felt like she was in a dreamlike state when she did it. Camille was holding her other hand and whispering that she was doing great the whole time as she felt the tears fall from her face and her hand shook. When it was done she felt herself let out a breath that she'd been holding ever since she found out she was pregnant and along with the sadness she recognized a small part of her that was relieved that she had made it through this and she could finally move on with her new life.
She left the hospital that day knowing that Ava was in good hands and that it wouldn't be the end of their relationship. Greg and Lydia had promised to send her updates on how she got on in hospital and said they would send a photo on the day she got to go home.
When Erin reached Hank and Camille's house she felt lost, not knowing what to do with herself now that she didn't have the extra responsibility of being a pregnant teenager.
"How are you doing?" Hank asked her as they sat on the couch together.
"I think I'm okay," Erin answered honestly. She was content with her decision, even if it was the hardest one she'd ever had to make.
"What do you want to do now?" he asked her.
She paused for a minute, truly thinking over her options. Part of her wanted to go to Jay's house and spend every waking moment with him before he left for basic training, part of her wanted to just crawl up in bed and sleep the past few days away but the other part of her knew that all of the sacrifices she had made this year couldn't be for nothing.
"I want to look at college options."
I know it's been years but I was cleaning out my computer files and found this mostly complete so I've finished it and here you go. There is also a half finished epilogue but not sure I'll ever get around to finishing that so for now I'm going to say this story is complete.