"How comes the two of us always meet in the same places, Ilya?"
"Because we both know where it's easiest to hide." Tarisilya turned around to Éomer with a laugh and patted the top bar of the paddock fence she was sitting on, signaling him to join her.
Well, "Paddock" was a polite way to describe this far too small plain for the horses of the King's stable to go on a run on. But it sufficed to allow them to leave their stalls for a few minutes when there was no time for a ride.
"Not exactly the meadows of Edoras," she sighed with an apologetic look at Tercelborne, the mighty grey stallion that Éomer had borrowed her when taking Manyala into custody.
"He looks more lively and stronger than ever," Éomer answered with a dismissive gesture. It was a relief to see that his shoulder that had been downright shattered during his kidnapping by those Uruk-hai some time ago, didn't seem to give him too much trouble anymore. In spite of Tarisilya not being able to spend half as much time in his lands no less, than she actually needed – due to her abilities being limited since her own fight with that one Uruk-hai – for treatments these days as she knew by now. Éomer wouldn't be entirely able to use his arm as he'd used to, but he had been very lucky there.
"And he doesn't seem to be homesick for now. If you have the time, you're welcome to keep him until he might be drawn back to Edoras someday. I never was a friend of taking horses back once they're used to their new owner."
"You are being too kind, Your Majesty." Blushing, Tarisilya turned her eyes away and scooted aside a little. The indecent touch in the afternoon had caused enough rumors for the moment. Though the stables were as good as deserted at this late hour, they shouldn't challenge their luck.
Éomer seemed to take her gesture the wrong way and frowned in irritation. "I'll get married soon, Ilya, and you're having a child. Have we not known each other too long for such nonsense?"
"I was just thinking about possible spectators." She shrugged and sighed. "Forgive me., I've developed a remarkable talent for hurting people in the last few months."
"Given that you saved His Majesty's Elessar's life, I have trouble believing that." His answer sounded forgiving enough.
"Still … More frightening rumors are reaching Rohan by the day. By the stars, what is going on here, Ilya? People are talking about the threat of a new war as if our land's inhabitants weren't still busy cleaning up the debris of the last. Men are leaving Minas Tirith because they're afraid, the elves could turn against them. If I didn't know better, I'd think this city was being possessed by Sauron's spirit."
"That explanation would actually be calming" she answered bitterly. "That at least wouldn't make me wonder who some of the elves are that I grew up with or that I met during visits in Imladris. And especially who it is that I've been sharing bed and board with for a year now. Maybe it was the cruel loss of my friends in Dunland back then that has taught me to not regard all Men with the same hate I have for these murderers, no matter how difficult it is sometimes. But my voice is not being heard right now. As you know, I'm just the leader's pretty wife who always needs to be protected from dangers."
"I never heard you speak with so much anger before." Shocked, Éomer jumped to the ground on the inside of the fence and came to stand before Tarisilya. This time, he did not let go of her hand when she wanted to pull away. "How lowly do you think of yourself to give yourself such a role? Marrying into the leadership of one of the most powerful elven realms has made you a person to be respected both for Elves and Men. The only one who damns you to just watch and wait is yourself."
"While I would welcome His Majesty keeping a little more distance, he's right." Éomer's little speech had prevented Tarisilya from noticing Thondrar until he was showing up behind her, addressing her for the first time since she had saved his life after that warg attack – something that back then, he hadn't been able to forgive her.
The way he was standing in front of her now, admonishing her that she was not doing herself a favor if she didn't respect the etiquette, revealed that Glorfindel, to her relief, must have made it to rid his son of that anger.
She had done little more than taking a breath to say words that Thondrar had not wanted to hear during his recovery when he already shook his head, with a slightly self-deprecating grimace. "Don't, you … That subject is closed for me. I wanted the easier way out; you denied me that, as is your duty as a healer, and now I'll go back to do mine. Whether that was the right decision for all sides is something we'll only see when we have left this crisis behind. But next time, Your Highness, I would like to be able to rely on you letting me go when there's nothing left holding me here. I dedicate my powers and abilities to the Lords I have sworn loyalty to, but my body and soul belong only to me."
While that was a promise that she indeed couldn't give him because of her calling alone, her silent, gloomy nod seemed to be enough of an answer for him for the time being. It was a remade Thondrar who wanted to return to his duty as her protector and advisor there, wearing a jet black, tight robe with a supporting bag within the button tape at the front that his paralyzed arm was resting in so that his handicap couldn't be seen immediately, as well as the golden circlet of Gondolin, with the pointed tips at the top and the bottom between his brows.
His sharp eyes looked the same though, and they only turned away from Éomer when the King stepped back, impressed by the authority of a millennia-old elf in spite of his own rank.
"For now, we both still have too much to do for a quiet life in the west. You can't keep on being neutral any longer, Your Highness. Do you really want to have a child in a time of such conflict? Do you want to make all your waiting for your wedding meaningless, forced to sail west together with the others after all, just so you can ensure your family's safety? Is your child supposed to grow up without its father, because he is the one who threatens the new peace of this world?"
"I can't try to appeal to Legolas' conscience before things don't go smoothly between him and me." Jumping from the fence, Tarisilya made a few steps away from the others, crossing her arms defensively in front of her body. "How is he supposed to listen to me as long as we live from one crisis to the next? Once we'll find the right way to treat each other, I can try to steer his thoughts back towards a peaceful flow in other ways, too."
"It will probably be too late by then," Thondrar warned her, with a kind of tense restlessness in the way, he was constantly staring down towards the city gate that did not exactly reassure Tarisilya about what was going on in her friends' camp in her absence.
"I don't know what I can do." Under so much sudden pressure, it was impossible for her not to show how much she feared that future. As so often, she escaped to the horses, burying her face in Tercelborne's mane.
"You're just afraid of it," Thondrar contradicted her mercilessly. "Afraid to act against your husband's will and throw a serious shadow on your bliss. But tell me, when was the last time, this love was perfect? Isn't it time to fight for it, as you promised your husband not too long ago? My father and I, we can make sure, the elves don't tear each other apart during their preparations for a battle that can never be fought. But you're the only one who can stop the Prince."
"I didn't come to Minas Tirith to corner you." Éomer said goodbye to her with the hint of a bow. "These are not my concerns. I'm the last person with any say in these things. But if your path happens to take you to Edoras anytime soon, Ilya: On my land, you can always count on my men to give you an escort."
"Thank you," Thondrar answered for Tarisilya because she still had her back to them, as she was unwilling to even think about this matter, or about the offer that Éomer was making her, veiled enough to not start a fight with anyone.
"I can't," she whispered, choked with tears when Thondrar came to stand beside her. "I don't want to lose him."
The way, Thondrar stroked Tercelborne's mane, no possible observer would notice that he was grazing Tarisilya's hand as well. "That would only happen if your love for each other wasn't strong enough, milady. And do you think, such flimsy affection would have survived centuries of waiting?"
"I can't decide this right now."
Being more attentive than earlier, Tarisilya noticed steps in the distance that had already been ineradicably etched into her memory a very long time ago. Legolas wouldn't be allowed to stay in the city; this evening was all they would have. She didn't want to waste it with such absurd ideas, not now that he was actually coming to see her, after spending the last few weeks and all day sulking already.
"You seem to forget that I lost one baby to my carelessness already. As long as I'm with child, I will not leave a safe fortress."
"Back then, you didn't have a bodyguard with you who will not leave you out of his sight for even a second, milady. Just think about it."
Thondrar was considerate enough to leave her alone in time so that Legolas wouldn't be able to tell, it was him.
Her husband couldn't hide a hint of distrust anyway when he saw the figure vanish into the darkness. "Who was that?"
"One of your own people that you should actually be trusting blindly even if you obviously can't manage to trust me anymore." Tarisilya was already getting irritated again although she had actually planned to reconcile with Legolas. Maybe that he had avoided her that much so far, had actually been better. "I never gave you a reason for jealousy!"
She actually expected him to talk about that thing with Erestor again. Technically, he had a right to. Maybe she would have also told him then what had almost triggered another catastrophe a few weeks ago. So far, the word about this incident had indeed not reached anyone but people in the Citadel and the Houses of Healing. Only the question of Legolas possibly provoking another conflict with Aragorn then, about people not properly taking care of Tarisilya here, had her hesitate.
And then it was too late because Legolas took her in his arms unexpectedly. "I do know that, Ilya. I've already told you back then, this is not about him but about trust. We both need to work on that, I know that now. Please forgive my annoyance last time. Can we talk about this another day? I don't want to argue with you right now. I've been missing you so unbelievably badly out there."
Within seconds, Legolas made it so that Tarisilya couldn't be angry with him anymore, that she was absorbing his nearness like the moonlight. And that she realized how much she needed him, too. Him, not this strange being that seemed to be made only of anger and thirst for revenge. How far was she allowed to go to destroy this being?
Lost in these gloomy thoughts, she would almost have missed his next question, far less aggressive than the one before but still having a deeply disappointed undertone. And this time, she deserved it.
"Why do I need others to tell me that the Valar have given us a child again, elwen?"
"I've been meaning to write for a long time, believe me. But the way we last parted ... And I think, I was also afraid that something …" Suddenly, the tension dissolved that had been haunting Tarisilya ever since she had understood why the morning sickness had come back, no matter how unlikely it had seemed to her at first that a single night, in the midst of all this despair, had had consequences. Especially since Legolas and she had honestly not consciously aimed for that in said night … But they hadn't prevented it by consciously deciding against it either. Now they had to deal with the situation. Breaking into a loud sob, she didn't even really realize that Legolas was leading her back to the fence because the horses were growing restless.
"Do you understand?" she asked, pleadingly, when she could breathe again, her hands clenched around the collar of his robe. "I had to go sure first. What if anything happens again? I can't go through this again ... But I especially didn't want you to go through this again. Not … not now of all times."
"Please stop crying. Don't you see what an unbelievable miracle it is that happened there? No one will take this from us. I want you to be safe every single second of this year until our little family is finally complete." Only when Legolas' right hand came to rest on her belly, some of the fear in Tarisilya vanished. It hadn't been long since she had last told him that she was expecting. And the same news was bringing him once more to the same tears that he was blaming her for. But she could also see honest happiness on his hollowed face. A glow that she had painfully missed and that even helped her overlook the inappropriate robe that he had shown up in at the wedding.
"Do you remember what you told me in our last night? Just like you, I have prayed every day for our first child to forgive us our mistakes. Now we've got another chance, Ilya. Promise me you'll take care of yourself; that we'll do it all right this time."
"I'll do what I can." She just couldn't give him an unconditional promise. Too much had happened for that.
"I'll come to live with you if you want me to." To him, it had to sound like a plea, not an offer, and it had to surprise him after Tarisilya had insisted on keeping on working in Minas Tirith for so long. She wanted him to take her to Cair Andros even if would break her heart to witness his hate from up close on top of everything else, day by day, probably without a chance to do anything about it in the foreseeable future. Even that would be easier than her stupid head constantly wondering if she shouldn't ride in a whole other direction.
"As long as the Stewardaides render the area unsafe, I can't risk that." Neither of them knew what to say. Legolas surely wanted to have her around, just like she wanted to be there, but he wouldn't take even a single step towards Aragorn right now. Not even his old trainer and advisor Glorfindel had been able to make him change his mind about that so far, and by now, Tarisilya sensed that except for her, there might indeed be only one person who could step in here.
"I really hate asking you that but can you stand being in Lórien for a few months? I'll come to see you as often as I can."
"I don't know." Tarisilya leaned into his embrace so that he wouldn't see that he had just made a conflict even worse that he didn't even know anything about. Now he was actually giving her a reason to leave the city. She could only tell him what she'd told his friends earlier who were trying to help him just as desperately as she was. "I can't decide this right away."
"Just let me know." Legolas kissed her temple and dried the last of her tears with the heel of his hand. "If you're ready to make the journey, I'll send some of our people to you immediately so that they can get you there safely."
"Thondrar has already offered that." That was only half the truth. She didn't find the courage to tell him the rest. Not now that Legolas had just made it to chase away the loneliness at least for a moment and she wanted nothing more than falling asleep in his arms even if he wouldn't be there anymore when the sun came up.
"Will you stay?" she asked softly, right into his ear.
"There's nothing I want more but we won't be allowed right now." With an expression full of anger, he stared at the walls of the Citadel in the distance.
"If you don't mind having to talk to the others first, we can try to be alone in a tent for a few hours." He shrugged in resignation. "I hate this situation just as much as you do, Ilya."
"Only you could do something about it," she answered, more harshly than planned. She closed his lips with a kiss before they had even fully tightened in defense and he could answer anything that she just couldn't have dealt with. Not today when the prospect of this new little happiness that might be waiting for them in a few months should be the only thing to count.
"Don't. I didn't get involved with any of this so far; I won't start doing it now. In my condition, I simply don't have the strength to fight with you all the time. Our child needs both of us, Legolas. But for that reason, exactly … In the next few weeks, please think about it if our baby is really supposed to grow up in such a hostile environment. That's all I'm asking of you right now. And by the way, I said nothing about taking you to my chambers."
She turned her head a little so that her breath was grazing his neck, pleased to see him shiver immediately. Certain things between them had not changed. "I have no plans of sharing you anymore tonight. That barn over there will be empty until tomorrow. But if you'd rather go to your tent …"
Since his answer to that was radically pulling her towards said building next to the stable, she got to witness then, with a well-disguised grin, how fast an elf was able to open a locked door if he was in a hurry.
Although she had been the one provoking Legolas with her impatience regarding not wanting to see the others … Right after they had closed the door behind them, Tarisilya realized that her husband was showing a boisterousness tonight that was mirroring his upset condition. It was only a few feet to the ladder leading to the upper story where most of the fresh hay was being stored, but before she could even think about climbing it, she was being pushed against the door and distracted from that plan with a kiss so passionate that she quickly felt dizzy because Legolas didn't give her even a second to breathe.
His tongue thrust deep into her mouth and grazed every spot he could reach, pushing back her tongue every time she tried to do the same. His hand felt down the tight top of her dress and tugged on the lacings.
She would have helped him, but his body was so close to hers that she could hardly lift her arm. The way he cleverly fondled her chest, and the hardness she could feel press against her belly, did the rest. There were so many impressions raining down upon her that she tried to interrupt the kiss, but Legolas, as a Woodland elf, was a force of nature. Just a few nights together had been enough for him to know exactly how to nail her down. When he was nibbling on her lower lip playfully, for example, tracing her mouth with his tongue just to deeply explore it again then … It was absolutely impossible not to surrender to him, not to enjoy every caress, not to lean into his excitingly firm kneading of her breasts …
Only when the skirt of her dress was being pulled up further and further, she freed herself from his embrace. "There are holes in that door," she commented at his questioning glance. "If someone else has the same idea, I'd rather not be in a place so easily visible."
She did her best to hurry though, getting up the narrow, steep wooden ladder. Upon arriving on top, she dropped onto an especially soft spot in the darkest corner and reached out her hand to Legolas. "Come to me."
This was not an invitation she needed to give her husband twice. Which was good, as the little interlude had intensified the yearning in her as well that accompanied the days of the children of elves and that had woken her up bathed in sweat more than once in the past, with memories that she planned to add more to in the next few hours.
For a few seconds, she just enjoyed watching Legolas reveal a body from under his robe far more muscular and better nourished than she remembered it from their last meeting, and then kneel down next to her, spreading the robe on the ground beside them. That was all the patience he could come up with though before he pulled Tarisilya close, so that they both came to lay on the soft velvet fabric, and started to get her out of her dress.
Her sigh when that made him graze her breasts again which were sensitive from the lacing, did nothing to slow him down. His lips found their way to that slightly reddened skin and irritated it further, with a sucking motion that quickly focused on her nipples as they were growing harder. He was either not noticing or ignoring the way she was caressing his neck again and again, with soft pressure upwards.
Finally, Tarisilya's urge took over to spoil Legolas just as much and especially to bring a little more calmness to the whole game. She straightened up and tried to wrap her arms around his shoulders, but he scooted downwards on the hay instead, now partly laying between her legs. His lips were teasing her belly, his hands pushing her thighs apart. He didn't even seem to hear her blindsided gasp when the tip of his tongue was making its way to her heated folds without her being prepared for such a new way of intimacy in any way.
Only when her hand grabbed his shoulder a little too tightly, he looked up, and she realized that he really didn't notice how much he was just overwhelming her. He was projecting his whole annoyance with the current situation onto her and tried to make up for everything that he had neglected in the last few weeks within a few minutes.
"What is it? Are you alright?" He crossed his lower arms on her belly and rested his chin on them, so carefully as if he could harm her or the unborn life. "I owe you a lot, elwen."
When she couldn't think of anything to say immediately, he let his fingertips casually stroke her sides, her waist, her hips, visibly satisfied when she trembled, the growing wetness between her legs bathing his skin. "Let me do that tonight. It will be short enough. Close your eyes."
That almost sounded like an order and why she was following it was beyond her, given how shy she was feeling. It had to be the pregnancy that drove her so mad even at this early stage.
Though she hadn't wished for this to happen without any preparation, when Legolas' lips caressed her core for the first time, her reservations vanished one by one. She wasn't entirely happy with his speed, but he had lost nothing of his tenderness.
The light circling motion he was usually making with his fingers, was replaced by warm moisture. That one spot that she was always reacting to most intensively, sent shivers of lust through her body at the smallest touch. Legolas' massaging hands on her behind made her hips twitch with desire as well-known heat spread inside of her, springing from her lower body, wiping away the doubts from earlier. The only thing she was still missing was being close to him – the hay that her hands clenched down on more frequently by the second, was definitely no replacement.
She opened her eyes, hoping for a chance to look into his, but Legolas had found a new way to try and make her feel good by thrusting his tongue inside of her, tasting even more of her wetness while continuing to stimulate her most sensitive spots with his hand. Bright spots dancing before her made Tarisilya close her eyes again as the wonderful sensation had her breath race and her heart beat loudly enough for both of them to hear. She always enjoyed it, feeling her husband inside of her, but this new way to do it was overwhelming her. It made more and more loud moans rip from her throat, especially when Legolas started stroking her most sensitive spot harder and everything in her lower body clenched. Her back arched; she buried her face in the fabric smelling of her husband under her head in agitation as she was taken by a wave of passion.
But then Legolas suddenly let go of her, and the lust ended with a clench of muscles that was painful this time instead of satisfying.
Panting, choked, she looked up, right at Legolas' face above hers when he laid down on top of her and she could finally feel him like she'd been badly yearning for it a few moments ago. Only now it was different. Right now, she couldn't understand why he was grinning and had to wonder if he was really so blind that he did not realize that he was completely alienating her right now.
"Why are you doing this?" The rough tone in her voice was unable to express this displeasure. Hearing it herself, she actually wasn't surprised that he didn't catch it either. But he should have seen it in her face. In the past, he would have seen it.
"I prefer looking into your eyes when you come, moon queen." He was smiling at her, but his eyes remained cold. He was addressing her by his most intimate endearment, and it had never sounded so wrong.
Still, she pressed her hips down on him when he entered her and wrapped her legs around him to keep him close to her instead of pushing him away, because her body was betraying her, and her head didn't provide her with the right words to explain to him that she actually didn't want to sleep with him like this. That he would have stopped immediately if she had told him a clear word, made a single clear gesture, didn't make it better.
When, soon afterward, Legolas brought her to release with the clever movements of his hips, after all, releasing her from this cruel state of being torn as well, she felt spent. She stayed in his arms unmoving until he was spilling inside of her and stilled on top of her with his head resting on her shoulder. Not even that could bridge the distance between them.
It took him until she reached for her dress instead of nestling against him, the second he had slipped down next to her before he finally got it.
"Ilya? Is something wrong?"
She shook her head, then nodded. She shook her head again. Her far too long, sweaty hair restricted her movements, and when she wanted to brush it back, she got stuck. A nail broke painfully. Ignoring his confusion, she fumbled around with that dress tailored especially for the wedding, just to find out that Legolas had torn the lacing's pretty silver rings irreparably.
Letting go of the now unusable fabric, she rested her forehead on her knees. "You were never like this."
"I don't know what you mean." That he probably really didn't know only made it worse. His face expressed quickly growing terror when he pulled her close again and straightened her hair as if that could now make anything right. "Talk to me, Ilya! Did I hurt you?"
"You never were closer to do so." She nuzzled against his touch, tried in vain to find comfort in it, as she had on the paddock earlier, to remind herself of her love for Legolas that had always kept her upright, even in the darkest phases of her life.
But the elf she loved was not here. The elf she loved didn't fantasize about all the ways to could kill a man all day. He didn't speak about himself with hatred, and about the mistakes he'd made that no one else blamed him for.
This elf knew when she felt bad by his side like never before.
Maybe this Legolas also knew, somewhere deep in his shadowed heart, or in this bad excuse of a mental marriage bond that had never really worked well for them. But the problem made him just as helpless as leading an elven settlement in a dangerous area. "I didn't mean to. Eru, Ilya, I would never …" Shocked, he caressed her cheek, finally understanding that his gestures of affection could no longer reach her. "Can I make this right?"
"Not tonight. I just don't have the strength. I can accept it, somehow, that I can't give you any orders, not even if it tears my heart in two, seeing you suffer. But I can't take it to stand by your side when you do. Whatever you plan, Legolas, please don't come back until you got it done."
She untangled herself from him with a jerk, forcing herself to flee from his horrified face, with her arms crossed, so that no one would notice her half-open dress.
"Ilya!" Only when she took the first stairs downwards, he finally found his voice again, a voice still filled with far too little understanding. A voice searching for a foothold as if its owner was drowning.
You didn't drown in a hayrick.
Tarisilya didn't stop.
Tarisilya had actually meant to go straight to her chambers but after she'd almost tumbled over her cat in the hallway of the King's guesthouse, the animal on her arm chased away at least a bit of the coldness inside of her. And her steps led her to another room before she realized.
She ended up entering which was probably the only room that there still was a light burning in this night. Certain elves didn't seem to need any sleep on principle. And judging by Glorfindel's serious expression, he hadn't spent the hours after the celebration with cheerfulness either.
And Thondrar who was standing next to him stared at her like she was a walking ghost. "Your Highness, by the stars …"
Tarisilya was looking for words but couldn't find any. She made one step forward and collapsed into her bodyguard's arms.
"Sit down." Thondrar quickly closed the door – with his heel since his healthy arm had to give Tarisilya support –, just in case an attentive pair of eyes was watching from somewhere even at this hour. Then he led her to the table that his father was sitting at, bent over a couple of quite new-looking documents. "Do you want to talk?"
Tarisilya refused silently. She gratefully put her hands on a hot mug of tea that Thondrar handed her and stared into it for a few minutes before she finally dared to look at the other two elves.
"How fast can we leave for Eryn Lasgalen?"