Rückkehrunruhe - The feeling of returning home after an immerse trip to find it rapidly fading from your awareness.
The first few days had been odd. Unnatural. Like he didn't quite know how to operate. He sort of ghosted through his apartment, not even going through the motions of normal living. He didn't think he ate those first few days. He knew there had been nothing in his cupboards or fridge worth eating and he didn't recall any takeout containers. Not that that meant anything. The days all blurred together in his memory, he couldn't separate them. He thought he slept. He thought he showered. The reality, he supposed, was that he just existed. Drifting from one hour to the next. There was so much to process, so much to understand. Or, failing to understand if he was being completely honest with himself.
Groaning, McGee buried his face in his hands. This was ridiculous and more than a little concerning. The memory of those horrific few days shouldn't be fading so rapidly from his subconscious. Ok, not everything seemed to be blurring. Some memories were in sharp focus. Typically, it was those he'd most rather forget. The grins of the men as they were caught. The dusty, bloody smell of the too clean cell. The fear and anticipation he felt, convinced they were going to die. Tony's face when the sack was removed from Ziva's face. All of those memories were crystal clear and as sharp as anything. Etched into his mind.
He reached for the soda he'd brought in to drink during the movie he was pretending to watch. Sitting in the half-lit room with nothing else going on seemed a bit depressing after all. Focusing his energy on sipping from the can, McGee tried to make himself not think of any particular memory. Maybe that would bring them back with more focus. It was disconcerting how he couldn't remember what happened on what day. Not knowing if an event really happened or if he imagined things in the desert heat.
[xxxxxx]
He'd been hesitant to bring these thoughts and feelings up at his mandated sessions with the NCIS shrink. Didn't really want to be branded as crazy and prevented from going back into the field.
He almost did, when the woman asked how well he was sleeping and if he had any flashbacks. He'd hesitated, wanting to tell her but also not wanting to. McGee never liked discussing something he didn't really understand and this was no exception.
So, he had stayed quiet on that matter - promising himself that if the blurred memories started affecting his performance at work then he'd talk. It wasn't necessary to bring up something so silly anyway.
He did tell her about the nightmares, though. He couldn't pretend those away.
[xxxxxx]
Like the rest of his team, McGee did not like to talk about his feeling or have anyone pry into his mind. He was quite happy blocking things and dealing with it as required, thank you very much. Anyway, it always felt awkward. Talking about yourself. Like you were whining about things and no one like listening to whining, did they? But talking to Ducky never felt like that, it just felt like you were having a chat. Very unlike his mandatory sessions with a shrink. Though, he supposed Ducky deliberately did it that way specifically to get them to talk without them feeling like they were being interrogated. McGee couldn't really bring himself to feel outraged. The Doctor never betrayed anyone's confidence nor treated them with and condemnation or condescension. Basically, he trusted the man. Which was why he was hovering by his desk down in autopsy.
"Sit yourself down, Timothy. I'll be with you once I have my report for Jethro."
It was a little more awkward for him to talk to Ducky. He didn't like tea, like Ziva did, so he couldn't partake in that little ritual. He didn't move around as he talked, like Tony, so he didn't have that to distract him. He couldn't just pour his heart out either, like Jimmy, he wasn't used to doing that with Ducky.
So, he stuttered and he stammered his way through these conversations, eventually getting to the point. Or, which was more likely, Ducky managed to understand the point.
Which brought him back to now. Trying to explain the weirdness he was experiencing.
"That's completely normal," Ducky assured him after he'd tried to explain, not thinking he had done a very good job.
"It is?" McGee asked in amazement.
"Of course. One of the most textbook responses."
McGee gave the man a disbelieving look. Really? Big events just got muddled in other people's minds for no good reason.
"It the mind's natural reaction to trauma," the Doctor continued. "To protect itself from further damage.;"
Trauma. He mulled over the word in his head. It came with a slight sting to it. He'd never really considered what they had gone through as trauma. What Ziva had, sure, Trauma with a capital 'T'. Tony had definitely been traumatised by this whole thing? But him? Gone through trauma?
"I wasn't tortured or anything," he complained. "Got knocked around a bit but I've had far worse on some of our cases here."
Ducky gave him a sympathetic pitying look. God, how he hated the pity.
"Surely you are aware that you have some PTSD due to events of theses last summer months?"
"But we're all safe and well," McGee argued. "Everything's okay now."
"But it wasn't."
That simple statement floored him. It shouldn't have, it was the truth. He'd lived through it. He knew all of this. He couldn't bring himself to make any words, just gaped at Ducky.
"You need to give your mind a chance to process everything," Ducky instructed gently. "These things take time."
"Then I'll be able to remember everything properly."
Ducky hummed neutrally in response.
"Perhaps," he finally said. "Most of the time, they will, given enough time though some memories may remain lost or just out of reach. Trauma is like an injury to the brain. Not everything can be mended."
Great, so he might always be confused with certain memories? Might never understand what really happened?
McGee sighed heavily, feeling very woebegone.
Ducky gave him a soft smile.
"It's nothing to worry about," he tried to assure him.
"Nothing to be happy about either."