Ellipsism - A sadness that you'll never be able to know how history will turn out.

Tony frowned as his thoughts drifted away from his work. Not that it took much to get him to do that these days. It was actually a routine day today; come in slightly late, flash a smile at his partner (his real partner), power up computer, check emails, write up reports, lunch and now do some cold cases. No cases, no courses, no appointments. Just the scratching of pens and the rhythmic tap of keys. All in all, it was incredibly boring and he revelled in it. Boring was good. Boring was safe. It was still tedious, monotonous (that's why he was quite willing to get side-tracked) but safe. Safe was good. So good.

Safe meant that no one was injures or dying or lost, let's say, in the middle of a desert on the other side of the word. Sure, safe didn't mean that they weren't troubled or traumatised. But it did mean that they had the means to get better. So, yeah. Safe.

Talking about good, things were starting to get back to normal. Not their usual normal, their 'before' normal, but a new normal.

It was an odd to think about. The 'before'. Tony was starting to believe that his life could now be split into three major sections; before his mother died, before Somalia and after Somalia. Two big events. Of course, they would affect him. That was textbook psychology. He didn't need a shrink to know that no matter what NCIS procedures said.

It was strange to think of how his life might have turned out without those events or a lot of other, smaller ones that he knew were also turning points in his life. Tony didn't think about 'what might have been' often. He didn't like to. What was the point? It wasn't like they were all in some sci-fi movie where he could just jump into a time machine and change the past. This was real life. Nevertheless, he found himself thinking about it a lot more often. Maybe it was because everything was still so raw or maybe it was because he thought that the whole chain of events wasn't completely unavoidable (like with mom). That he could have done something to change it. Sure, the odds would have definitely been stacked against him but maybe he could have done something. Anything.

Maybe he could have talked to Ziva sooner, tell her about his concerns. That could have prevented him from confronting Rivkin and maybe Ziva wouldn't have gotten so defensive about the whole situation and wouldn't have gone back to Israel. He frowned as he remembered. Or maybe she would have anyway. Eli David had been wanting her back ever since Vance had split up the team last year.

So maybe she would have a new back but would it have been under the same bad circumstances? Would she have ended up in Somalia? Would he have even seen her again if she hadn't needed rescuing. That thought almost made his heart stop. He couldn't imagine that. Wouldn't.

But if she didn't go to Somalia but stayed in Israel would that have been better for her? No trauma, no near-death experiences. Would she have been safe? Somehow with Eli David Tony didn't think so. But would it have been as raw to have her leave? It would have been on good terms, he hoped. They would have kept in touch, right?

If he could go back and time and shove Rivkin off a tall cliff, that would be fantastic. Oh, it wouldn't solve the everlasting problem of Eli David but it would have been oh so satisfying. Tony couldn't help but blame the dead Israeli. Ziva would not have left if it wasn't for him. She wouldn't have. If Eli David came calling Gibbs would not let her go. And now wouldn't be happening. He didn't know what now would be but it would be better that current happenings.

Tony tried not to sigh wistfully, that would definitely draw Ziva's attention. What would now look like if Ziva hadn't left? (Leaving was easier to think and say that Somalia). What had their normal been before? He actually struggled to remember sometimes. So much had happened, it felt like 'before' was a lifetime ago. He supposed it a way it was... it happened in a different sort of life. Maybe their now wouldn't have been anything like before, something else could have happened. Something big, though he couldn't imagine something as big as what had already happened. People changed. Evolved. His heart ached at the possibilities.

He stopped his thoughts resolutely. None of this was helping. It didn't matter anymore, she was here, in America, in NCIS. Working with them, with him, again. Nothing needed to be changed.

Not that change didn't come easily to anyone now. Not when they needed routine to feel some sort of normal despite nothing about them being routine. Ziva needed the stability, he needed the control, however slight it may be. The two of them were still trying to find their new normal, bring back what they had while forging something new. Trying to tear down the screen that had seemingly sprung up between them but at the same time being hesitant to rip it.

Maybe the Tony and Ziva of before would have done it. Easily and without thought. Or maybe they wouldn't have. They would never really know, would they? Things weren't the same, couldn't be the same. All they had was the here and now, they couldn't change the past. No matter how much they wanted to.

Tony sighed and drummed his fingers on his desk, thinking. He let his mind drift to the things he'd change if he was allowed to. There were definitely plenty.

But, did they really want to? Change everything that made they what they were? Gave them the scars, the shadows behind laughing eyes? But not everything had been negative. There was joy there as well, growth too. So much growth. It had been worth it all to get to here, hadn't it? That was the big question.

Tony smiled across the bullpen at his partner. She returned the smile, a real, genuine one.

Maybe they could change future. That was doable. That was theirs to make.