Raven sat alone in his small apartment. It was a two bedroom, he roomed with Pete, but he was at the store. He sat in his bedroom, where he spent the majority of his time. His back was against the wall, his ass ached uncomfortably on the hard floor, but he didn't have the energy to get up. He loosely clutched a glass bottle of alcohol. It wasn't strong, just something fruity that tasted nice.

It was early evening, but his blackout curtain blocked out the remainder of the days light nicely, just as he preferred. This always happened, when he started reflecting on his life. His thoughts would spiral and then he'd get himself stuck in his infinite loop of inescapable logic. He couldn't pull himself out of it because no matter how he tried to look at it, he couldn't see that he was wrong. No matter how he tilted what he thought, nor how he tried to weasel additional truth to spring, it came back to him the same.

His thoughts swam back to a few years ago, when he was still in high school. He was pulling a C average and when he asked to take the test to take some college courses he was laughed at; but they did let him because the had the money for the fee. His mom had even been surprised at his interest, which led to the shock of his outstanding scores that allowed him to take a couple of courses as long as he kept all his grades above a C. His high school grades remained, but his college course grades he netted A's and B's. He took philosophy courses, logic, ethics, and he aced them. He understood them, it was real world knowledge and he enjoyed it. His mother was super proud of him when he got his grades, she wanted to let him have a party but he said just his favorite dinner would suffice.
Yeah..., he understood a lot about the world thanks to those classes. But the classes weren't all, he also took to reading considerably more, but not literature-type, actual scientific articles and things like that. Some of it was challenging, but he enjoyed the learning, it was actually interesting, relevant.

Those were the days where he started to truly understand. By then, of course, he was already friends with the goths, Michael, Pete, Henrietta, and Firckle. They were his best friends. He showed them the more relevant things he studied, and they, to varying degrees, enjoyed what he shared. He and Pete were the best of friends of all of them. He didn't understand all of Raven, not like..., Raven heaved himself up to his feet. He chugged the rest of his drink and swung his door open. He trotted down the narrow staircase and finished the small remainder in the bottle. He tossed it in the trash can once he reached the kitchen in the back of the apartment. He understood drinking as he was starting to again, would be dangerous, if he continued. He couldn't really bring himself to care though. His thoughts returned to before he took a trip of memories, nothing mattered anyway. Being an alcoholic would be a better time than not.
Logically, he knew that wasn't true. True alcoholism, was a nightmare. He didn't want that, not really. Death, maybe, but not that way.

He had been diagnosed with depression as a child, self-medicating at the time with alcohol. Finally, he is seeing a therapist for his depression, not that he's largely sure of any progress. He works nights, so once a week, he goes at 8am, shortly after work and talks to Mackey. He's not a bad therapist, Raven just has trouble applying the skills he's given.

He snorted in disgust before opening a new bottle of fruity alcohol and taking a drink. As he stood in the kitchen, he mused about how his life had changed over the years. Kyle moved when they were 10 years old, out to Jersey. His best friend had been ripped from his life, he was depressed before that, but Kyle's absence and Wendy's constant break-ups drove him to be friends with the goths. They understood. They understood and were there for him. While they believed in and to some extent worshipped Cthulu, he was an atheist. They understood that the world was shit. It was nice to be understood like that. They didn't look at him with pity, like Kenny. They didn't rip on him for "being an emo pussy" like Cartman.
He had opted not to go into college, despite having credits waiting for him should he choose to go. Instead, he works night security at the South Park mall.

He returned to his room with his drink, occasionally taking a sip. He opted to sit on the bed this time, his back against the head board, one leg fold and the other outstretched. He loosely held the bottle in one hand, the cold of it against his thigh.
He wanted answers, but he knew answers wouldn't be forthcoming, they never were. There weren't even really answers to his questions, no one had found any because everything was meaningless. That was the all-in-all answer. As much as he knew and accepted that though, he still wanted something different. But he couldn't figure out why. Because meaningless was truth, but for whatever reason, at the same time, he was unable to accept that as an answer.

Still though, he felt desolate. Nothing mattered. Life wasn't going to magically "get better". Life was shit, and it always would be. The whole goddamn world, was shit.

He took a sip before sighing and setting his drink on the post of his headboard before sliding off of his bed and finding his notebook. They still got together to share recent writings. He had a decent idea of what to write about.
He sat on his bed again once he had his pen and notebook, opening it and flipping to a clean page. He stared down at the page for a while before figuring out how to word everything.

'Desolate
Desolation abounds,
What is there but shit in this world?
Most are too blinded to see it clearly,
Trying to explain it
Is nigh impossible.
Let the world rot then,
Nothing would come of change.'

He sighed after finishing his writing that he would share with the others. Wondering if Pete had gotten back yet, not that he really wanted to socialize but maybe they could play something on Xbox. He closed the notebook and returned it to it's spot atop his dresser before digging his phone out of his pocket to check the Xbox app and see who was online. No one was, so he settled for turning on Hulu and put something mindless on. He wasn't tired in the sleep way, but he felt weariness dragging at him. He nursed his drink as he sat on his bed, staring at the tv, but not really absorbing whatever was happening. Listless again, it was almost becoming routine.