This chapter is rather M for references to suicide and attempted suicide.
"Alright, Patrick," Lilly sighed as she walked down the hallway stairs, her hand clasping her swollen belly. "This had better be good."
Patrick chuckled up at her as he leaned on the railing, gazing up at her. "I promise ya, lass, yer going tah wantah see this."
Lilly nodded with a smirk. "Right, lad." She creaked down the steps and oofed, pressing a palm to the side of her pregnant belly. "Good lord, the wee chiselers are kickin' up a mighty fuckin' fuss," she hissed through her teeth.
Patrick frowned at her and moved to the bottom of the stairs, his green eyes filled with concern. "Are ya alright, Lilly?" he asked.
The redhead waved him off. "Yeah, just...the kids keep kickin' me ribs and it's soooooooo uncomfortable!" Lilly growled, stretching her fingers out as she rolled her eyes up.
Patrick burst out laughing and covered his mouth with the back of his hand. "Ho ho ho, I'm so glad I'm not a woman."
Lilly snarled and pointed a finger at him. "You'd be damn lucky to be a woman, Patrick!"
The Earl of Galway laughed even harder. "Oh, I bet!" Patrick's laughter died down and he held out his hand to the countess. "C'mon, let's go. Everyone is outside waiting fer ya and it's bloody cold out."
Lilly rolled her eyes and a smirk shined through, but only just. She grasped his hand and he led her to the doorway before grabbing her winter coat and, as a gentleman should, helped Lilly into the coat. As they made their way outside, she took note of a light snow falling from the cloudy night sky. The ground was covered in white, sparkling snow and Lilly almost smiled at how her wolf brothers blended in as they chased each other around. People were gathered around as if waiting for an important event, their breaths visible as Lilly and Patrick approached.
"Well, look who decided to come out," Dutch said with a smile, holding onto a mug of what she assumed was hot cocoa.
Lilly growled a little. "Don't push it, Da."
A rough chuckle escaped Dutch's lips. "Still a little spit fire, though. At least there's that," he muttered as he took a sip of his hot beverage. "Mmmm, I'll tell you what, Miss Harington sure knows how to make a good cup of cocoa. I should ask her about the recipe."
Lilly looked around at the others. Jack, Tilly and Abigail were putting together a snowman. Hosea and John were engaged in a snowball fight with Breena's siblings while the wolves were still chasing each other around and play fighting. Charles and Sadie were off to the side engaging each other in conversation. This put a smile on Lilly's face until she spotted Karen and Sean. They were standing close to each other while Sean had a hand on Karen's pregnant belly. Lilly's face dropped as she looked down at her own protruding stomach.
She was happy for the couple, she really was, but whenever Lilly saw them being affectionate with one another, it only reminded her of Arthur.
Thinking about him was torture. She could take a flogging or a beating or even a raping and that pain still paled in comparison to the void in Lilly's soul that Arthur's death left behind. It felt quite similar to the empty feelings she gained when her family members died, but Arthur's defeat with tuberculosis felt so much worse in so many ways. It was as if her whole heart had been violently removed, a piece of her doomed never to return to its original and rightful place.
Nothing could replace it. Nothing could replace her chuisle, her bithiúnach, her beloved husband. The only man she ever loved was gone and there was nothing she could do about it. This made Lilly feel helpless, lost, and alone. But most of all, the female gunslinger felt like she'd been defeated in battle, never to regain her honor or reputation as a respectable warrior.
And this was no way to live.
She'd rather die than feel like this forever.
"Lilly?"
The Irish countess blinked a few times before looking at Patrick. He was staring at her with worry. "Sorry, what?" she asked.
"Are ya alright, love?"
Lilly put on a brief, false smile and nodded. "Yes. Was just thinkin' about the wee ones," she lied.
The dark haired Nolan squinted his eyes at her, looking suspicious. "Are ya sure?"
A look of innocence played across Lilly's face. "Yep."
It was at that moment when a young man with long blonde hair and brown eyes walked up to Patrick. "M'lord, we're ready," he said.
Patrick smiled and pat the boy on the arm. "Thanks, Killian. Let's get started."
Killian went jogging off into the distance as Lilly eyed her noble friend skeptically. "What's going on?" she asked with an expectant tone in her voice.
Patrick laughed briefly before pulling out his time piece to tell the time. "You'll see in about...oh, thirty seconds," he replied cheerfully, lifting his eyes to the scene before him. "Hey guys, we're ready!"
Everyone stopped what they were doing and skimpered over to Lilly and Patrick, forming a small line with Lilly smack dab in the middle. She studied her small family and shook her head before looking off in the distance. Patrick still had his watch out and he started counting down from the number ten.
"Ten, nine, eight, seven..."
Lilly stared straight ahead, puzzled as to what was going on.
"Six, five, four..."
"So excitin'!" Karen blurted out with glee.
"Three, two, one."
A flash of light went flying into the sky from afar, followed by a loud whistling noise. The wolves started barking when a huge burst of fireworks lit up the sky. Lilly and the others gasped and awed as another stream of hot light went shooting up into the midnight sky.
"Happy New Year!" People shouted.
The wolves were still going crazy, whimpering and whining loudly and Lilly smirked at them. "It's alright, boys. They're just fireworks." The boys looked up at her and whined, making their sister giggle softly. "Oh, don't give me that blarney. Yer actin' like yer arses are on fire."
Patrick burst into laughter. "Well, it's not like they've actually seen fireworks before, Lilly."
Lilly grinned and pivoted at the waist, hooking her hands behind her back as she gave Patrick a smug look. "Actually, they have."
The fireworks continued exploding in the background, and one firework was so bright it illuminated Patrick's dumbfounded expression. "And when was this?" he asked curiously, looking back up at the sky in amazement.
"At the mayor's party in Saint Denis. I had the prettiest dress on," Lilly said, sighing from nostalgia as a big smile spread across her face. "And I'll tell ya what, walkin' in there with Brian and James at my side...I honestly don't know if they were all starin' at me or them," Lilly explained matter-of-factly.
"Probably both, I would imagine," Patrick sighed as he looked at Lilly with a soft smile. "I bet ya were the bonniest lass there."
"Oh, I was." Lilly shifted her attention to the fireworks going off. "I think the dress I wore that night was Arthur's favorite."
It took Lilly a moment to realize she'd just said her dead husband's name. The content demeanor she'd currently had switched to that of a shocking sort of depression. Her once relaxed and carefree stance had now morphed into one that was tense and sullen. She started fiddling with her fingers and looked down at her hands, glimpsing at her engagement and wedding band. Her eyes began to water as she stared at the gems on her engagement ring and she sniffled abruptly.
Patrick frowned. "What's wrong, lassie?"
Her eyes, full of sadness and regret, studied the stones as they glistened from the display of fireworks reflecting off of them. She thought of how Arthur had proposed to her, using a common Irish phrase that she hadn't expected at all. She thought of his reasoning for opting out of buying her a diamond ring. Lilly had to admit, that grumpy old bastard knew her all too well.
"One emerald for Ireland, two sapphires for my eyes..." she uttered with her voice breaking from grief. "God, I fuckin' miss him so much," Lilly sobbed before covering her face.
This was too much. Way too much.
Lilly felt a warm arm wrap around her shoulders. "Aww, Lilly, Lilly..." Dutch whispered in her ear before kissing her temple. "It's alright, sweetheart."
Lilly gawked at Dutch with watery eyes, shook her head rapidly and brushed Dutch's arm off her, taking a few charged steps forward. "No, Da. It ain't alright. And ya wantah know why it ain't alright?"
"Isn't," Patrick interjected.
Lilly turned around and glared at him angrily. "What?"
Dutch shushed Patrick softly as people started focusing on the spectacle. "Now is not the time to correct her grammar, Patrick. Trust me on this."
Lilly snarled and clenched her fists tightly, shaking them violently as her eyes went shut. "He's fucking dead, Da. That's why it ain't alright. He was supposed tah live. He was supposed tah move here with all of us and give me dozens of children!" Lilly snapped, her voice growing in volume. "He was supposed tah survive! We were supposed tah grow old together! But no-ho-ho!" Lilly stammered, an almost maniacal expression crossing her face. "The feckin' Morrigan had other plans!"
It was true. Lilly had been given the gift of hope that her ailing husband would be cured, but it never happened. It wasn't a gift at all; it was a curse. Lilly was certain The Morrigan had cursed her. After all, she was the offspring of the man who killed The Morrigan's daughter. Lilly had often wondered if the Emerald Star sinking was really an accident or some scheme that The Morrigan concocted to set Lilly on a certain path. She just didn't know anymore.
Nothing made sense. And she was tired of things not making sense.
"The Morrigan has feckin' cursed me. That is the only explanation I can think of. She cursed me, she cursed me family..." Lilly scoffed and folded her arms, lowering her head and laughing bitterly. "Was I just a tool tah her? I mean..." she flung up her hands and sighed. "It don't make no god damn sense. I'm...I-I-I'm baffled, Da," Lilly chuckled angrily while shaking her head. "I don't like bein' used or outsmarted. I don't like that some feckin' goddess thinks it's okay tah fuck around with me life!"
"Lilly, you must understand th-"
Lilly shook her head. "Ooooooh, don't you feckin' start, Adair," she muttered under her breath.
Adair and Lilly's relationship as of late had turned a little sour. Lilly hated everything that The Morrigan gave her and while Adair understood this, Adair was also one of the gifts given to Lilly. Therefore, Lilly wanted nothing to do with Adair. Absolutely nothing. She wanted Adair and all the powers given to go away.
Adair, on the other hand, was now basically stuck in a prison. Lilly was ultimately the host and therefore had control over the shifting of souls and bodies. Adair did not...except on maybe one or two occasions. So, as a sort of exile, one would say, Lilly banished Adair to the recesses of her mind, never to see the light of day until Adair could ascend.
Still, Adair would pop in a word every now and then.
"Lilly, are ya talking tah yerself now?" Patrick asked with a raised brow.
Lilly sighed and face palmed herself. Patrick didn't know about Adair and Lilly wasn't ready to tell him about her, among a lot of other things. She held her head high and looked at Patrick. "Don't worry about it, it's a long story."
The fireworks were still going off but the group of people were mostly focused on Lilly now. She grunted before straightening her back and walking by them towards the manor.
"Where you goin'?" Charles asked her.
"I'm goin' out!" Lilly shouted with an annoyance in her tone.
"To where?"
"My feckin' oak tree! I got questions fer that meddlin', presumptuous, fucking old ass hag!"
"Lilly..." Patrick started before Lilly interrupted him.
"Dunna ya dare follow me, not a one of yas!"
Hosea sighed and shook his head. "Brian, James, go with her, please," he uttered with a low waving of his hand.
The boys bounded off after the red head and Patrick sighed. "Well, so much for the surprise..." he chuckled in defeat.
"Don't feel bad, Patrick," John said as he walked up to the group. "She's been through a lot since, well, since forever, really."
With a nod, Patrick frowned at John. "This is true, unfortunately. The obstacles that she has had to overcome..." Patrick lowered his head with a shake. "I don't know how she does it. I mean, how many straws can a camel hold until its back breaks?"
"Well, boys..." Sadie ambled over slowly with a cigarette in her mouth. "In my humble opinion, Arthur dyin' was the last straw for Lilly."
"How do you mean?" Dutch asked.
"Well..." Sadie took the cigarette from her mouth after inhaling smoke. As she exhaled, she examined her cigarette. "Y'all know that journal she kept to write down her visions?"
"Yes," everyone said.
"What about it?" Sean inquired.
"She has a second one," Sadie answered. "And she gave it to me."
"Why would she give it to you?" Karen asked heatedly. "I'm her best friend! Why didn't I know about this?"
"Because I'm the only one she knows who can remain calm and neutral in this situation," Sadie replied.
"What situation?" Dutch asked as he took a step closer to Sadie. "What's in that journal, Mrs. Adler?"
Sadie huffed and crossed her arms, looking off to the side. "It's bad, Dutch. I ain't gonna lie to ya. Hell, I ain't even comfortable talkin' about somethin' like this."
"What is it?" Dutch growled.
"After Arthur died...her visions stopped happenin'. Except for one."
"And?" Hosea barked, clenching his fists.
"In the vision, Lilly kills herself with a gun."
"...What?" Hosea snapped, stepping right up to Sadie. "You're just telling us this now?!"
"Calm down, Hosea!" Sadie shouted. "She said it ain't gonna happen!"
A gun shot rang out suddenly and everyone turned towards the sound. It came from the house.
"Lilly!" Patrick yelled before running towards the house. Everyone followed after him and clambered into the house, panic and chaos ensuing as they all started calling out for her. "Lilly! Where are ya!?"
A door down the hallway opened and Lilly poked her head out. "Somethin' wrong?" she asked innocently.
Everybody sighed in relief as they crowded the foyer. "We heard a gun shot. Didn't you hear it?" Tilly questioned as she brushed off snow from her jacket.
Lilly chuckled lightly. "Yeah, sorry, that was me. One of the boys startled me while I was holdin' my gun."
Dutch tilted his head to one side. "I thought you was only goin' to the oak tree?"
"I was. But you know me, I prefer to keep my weapons on me wherever I go," Lilly explained with a drooping of her hand.
"Once an outlaw, always an outlaw, huh kid?" Dutch said with a smile on his face.
Lilly grinned. "Of course!" she exclaimed before pulling out of view and shutting the door.
Everyone looked at Dutch questioningly. "What do we do, Dutch?" Abigail asked.
Dutch stroked his mustache as he mulled things over in his brain. What do they do, indeed? When it came to him, he nodded with confidence.
"Right. Family meeting." Dutch took off his coat and hung it up on the coat rack. "Michael!" Dutch yelped.
After a few moments, Michael appeared from the kitchen. "Yes, Mr. Van der Linde?" he said.
"Michael, would you be so kind as to set up refreshments in the sitting room?" Dutch asked. "Nothin' fancy, though."
Michael nodded. "Of course, sir," he said before going back into the kitchen, obviously looking confused about what exactly "fancy" entailed.
Dutch turned to everyone else. "Alright. Fergus, Mary, Molly, Jack, you guys should probably head to bed."
The four children awed. "But I wanna hear about your plan for Aunt Lilly, Uncle Dutch!" Jack exclaimed sadly.
Abigail chuckled and swiped a hand through little Jack's hair. "Ain't nothin' you need to know about. I'll take the kids upstairs," she said, grasping Jack's hand and walking to the stairs. "C'mon, Jack. Fergus, Molly, Mary, let's go."
The kids groaned and followed the brunette up the stairs while Dutch directed people to the sitting room.
Lilly was sitting in her study with a gun in her hand, wiping her teary eyes as she stared down at the weapon. The boys were sitting in front of her, staring up at her face sadly.
"Lilly, you really shouldn't-"
"Shut up, Adair!" Lilly snapped, making Brian and James whimper.
Adair huffed in her head. "Lillian Rose, you need to listen. Killing yourself is not the answer here, especially when you're pregnant!"
Lilly sighed and ran a hand through her hair. "God dammit, Adair, don't ya feckin' tell me what the answers are! I did everythin' yer mother asked of me! The least she coulda done was do what she said she was gonna do!"
"And that justifies you taking it out on me? By locking me in your damn body?"
Lilly let out a deep, guttural snarl before slamming the revolver on the desk. "It's the only god damn thing I can do tah get back at yer feckin' mystical Mummy!"
"You mustn't give up hope, Lilly. My mother, she..." Adair paused with a deep sigh. "She does things in her own time, and who knows? Arthur could be alive right now."
"I have no reason tah believe that! Yer fuckin' mother lied tah us, Adair! Dunna ya dare give me false hope that he's...he's..." Lilly couldn't even finish her sentence before grabbing the gun again and aiming at her temple. Tears streamed down her face as she quickly pulled back the hammer, breathing heavily through her sobs. The wolves jumped up, perhaps in an attempt to stop her, but she shoved them both away angrily. "I canna do this without him! Ya dunna know what it's like!"
Adair suddenly took the reins on Lilly's consciousness before shifting into herself. As the light dimmed, Adair lowered the gun and placed it gently on the oak desk, looking at the distraught brothers. They padded up to her and she stroked their faces affectionately.
"What the fuck, Adair?! Let me out, ya fuckin' bitch!" Lilly growled loudly.
"You can come back out when you're no longer a threat to yourself or the babies," Adair said, rubbing Lilly's swollen belly. Adair felt a kick and she oofed loudly. "The chiselers are strong, Lilly. They're going to need their mother around if they're anything like you or their father."
Suddenly there was a knock on the door. "Lilly? Are ya alright?" Sean said, sounding muffled.
Adair quickly hid the gun in one of the desk drawers before walking to the door and unlocking it. She opened the door, locking eyes with a very shocked Sean before poking her head out.
"Adair? I thought ya was-woa!" he yelped as Adair dragged him in and shut the door.