She killed me. Years ago, Sara killed me. She broke my heart and fucked my mind so hard, that I couldn't live any longer. But I sadly, my body didn't want to die. Only my heart and my mind died but my body continued living. The Tegan that everybody knew back then is long gone. Sara left me. That's all. But the way she did was just brutal. Since our Mum left us for a men she just knew for a short time, we were closer than ever. We were only young adults back then. Our „special twin bond" grew stronger everyday. We had the same friends and same hobbies. One of our hobbies was singing and playing guitar. Our baby was the little band that we created, Sara and Tegan, that's how we named our band. Every free minute of the day we spent together writing songs or jamming out in our living room. Sara worked in gas station at night sometimes and went to uni during the day. I started working in the restaurant that I would own one day. I didn't want to study back then, I had this little hope that one day we would make it with our little band. And until that day would come, I would be happily work at a nice and hip restaurant. We didn't have a lot money back then but our mother left us the house, still paid everything that has to be paid for the house and paid for Saras university. I was so mad at my mother for leaving us when we just started the whole adulthood thing but I don't blame her anymore. I would have done the same for the love of my life. I would do anything just to be with her again. When our mother left us, I didn't know that. I hated love, still do it in some way. Love took my mother from me. Love killed me but love saved me as well. I remember the day I fell in love with my soulmate. How pathetic that sounds. Soulmate. I bet that my „soulmate" is busy fucking her girlfriend right now. Somewhere in Canada my lover is fucking her lover and I can't do anything about it, because I don't even know where she is. But I will find out soon enough. However, back to the day I fell in love with her:
24.08.2008
The last guests are leaving the restaurant. Fucking finally. All my colleagues left already but soon I can leave as well. I just have to clean the table they've sat at and the bar. Just as I reached the room with all our cleaning stuff, I hear the front door open and close again. Fuck, how could I forget to lock the door! But who the fuck thinks that we're still open? I turned all the lights off! Let's just hope that the person in the restaurant doesn't want to rob or kill me. As I go back to the bar, I turn on some lights again in order to see who came inside. And who do I find behind the bar trying to hide herself? It's Sara, thank god. „You can come out, you know. You're not that good when it comes to scaring people, even though you did scare me when I heard the door opening and thought that there were still people trying to get some drinks." She laughs. „How did you even see me?" She asks. „Umm, look behind you. You see that huge mirror back there?" She turns around and mumbles some curse words. „Well, at least I've tried." She smiles proudly. I put my the bucket with water down on the ground and start walking towards her to hug her. I haven't seen her all day. When I woke up, she already went to uni and before she came back, I went to work. „What are you doing here anyways?" I ask her while we pull away from our hug. „I was driving back from work. While driving past here, I saw that the door was still open. So I thought that a surprise from your favorite sister might cheer you up a bit, since you have to close the restaurant today." I smile. Of course I am happy that she is visiting me. It's always so much fun when we are alone here. „Thank you. Do you want something to drink?" „Mhhh, let me think. Since I have to drive, there aren't many choices left." „Well, I could mix you a light cocktail if you want to. And if you're getting too tipsy, we can just walk home. It's not that far, you know." „You're right. Mix me something special." And I do. „Here, enjoy." I place the cocktail in front of her and start cleaning the bar. I put my playlist on and knowing that Sara is with me just boosts my mood. Soon, I hear Sara giggling. I turn around and see her biting her lip while trying to suppress the giggles. „What is so funny to you, huh? Are you surprised that I'm the one cleaning the shit out of this bar right now?" I ask her playfully. She shakes her head and starts giggling once again. „You were too focused on you work that you didn't realized that you were dancing the whole time. How can someone be so untalented like you when it comes to dancing!" She laughs out loud and I feel my cheeks flush. „I mean, come on, Teegs. You're such an amazing musician, yet when it comes to dancing, you don't know how to move with the rhythm." „Shut up, as if you can move to the rhythm." I answer her, laughing. „You want me to prove it to you?" „Pff, sure. I won't believe you until you show me. The last time I remember you dancing it looked you had spasms." She giggles again and takes a sip from her drink and humms. „Let me remind you, I was seriously drunk that night. Anyways, mix me some more of your drinks and I'll show you how to dance properly." She winks after finishing her sentence. I get back to my work so I can be finally done and can enjoy a nice drink as well. After I put everything back to its place, I start mixing the same drink for me and a second one for Sara, because she already finished hers. We spent sometime talking about our days, until I stand up to mix us something new. „Tee, don't you think it's getting suspicious if we drink so much from the Vodka here?" She asks, but I know she dosen't give a fuck actually. I mean, who wouldn't love free booze? „Nah, don't worry about it. My boss is barely here anymore and I'm the one ordering everything for the bar, so don't worry." „Okay." We start drinking again, once I'm next to her again. Damn, this one is a bit strong. Never mind, I really need some alcohol in my system today. The music changes to a slower song and suddenly, Sara stands up and guides me to the middle of the restaurant. „What are you doing?" I ask her with a confused look on my face. „Showing you how to dance, duh!" Right, forget about that part. She places her hands on my hips and makes me put my hands on her shoulders. „Just follow my lead." She whispers, the scent of alcohol is strong while she breathes. We sway to the slow beat and I get a little bit carried away. I think about all my friends who already danced like this with their boyfriends or sometimes girlfriend. Yet, Sara and I never even came out expect to one another but that's all. We didn't have time for all this. We had to learn how to manage our life after mum left. Sometimes, I wish I would be more experienced. At least I had the chance to make out with a few girls but I've never slept with one. Even though we are 21 now, we barely had any sexual contact with girls. As I've said before, we had more important things to care about. But being this close to Sara, dancing with Sara makes my whole body tingle, my mind is dizzy. Maybe it's just the alcohol. It has to be the alcohol. She's my sister. Twin sister, to be more specific. Her touch is so gently though. Is she feeling this too? Is she thinking about the same things as me? It can't be but then I look into her eyes. It's like getting a shock through my system. She smiles at me lightly and I smile back. But back to her eyes; they have a the same twinkle as the eyes of my mother telling us about her boyfriend. Is this love? Is this how love should feel like? I can't help but putting my head on Saras shoulder while we still say to the song „Sweet" by Cigarets after Sex. My eyes are tearing up but I don't know why. Maybe this is just a bit intense for me, my heart races. I've never felt something so beautiful before. That must be love, right? But I never thought I would feel something like this towards my own sister. I panic but at the same time, I've never been this calm in my life before, even though my heart is beating so fast, I'm so relaxed. The song ends and I raise my head from her shoulder. We stare each other in the eye again. I want to say something but I just can't. „That was perfect Tee, you didn't need my guiding, didn't you? Bet you just wanted to dance with me." She winks at me the second time this evening. But this time, I feel something down there. It was like a kick or a jump. „Thank you, Sare." That's I could mumble.
2019:
Looking back at it now, I know that's when I fell in love with my sister. If I could, I would relive this moment everyday for the rest of my life. The love of my life.