Sitting in the passenger seat, Grissom watched as Sara pulled out onto the remote dirt road by their house. It was dark, the desert sky lit up with a million stars that in other times he would have found beautiful, but now, the only thing he felt was concern. He realised, with a sinking feeling, that they had neglected to leave a note for Catherine – for safety reasons the group generally told each other where they were going – and neither did they have their cell phones, or firearms.
This was hasty.
He glanced at Sara's hands on the wheel, and saw as they passed their first mile that her knuckles had now relaxed, turning from a clenched white to more relaxed hold, and she sighed, in her seat, as if they had left something behind.
"You all right?" he asked.
"Yup," she said.
He gave her another minute before commenting.
"We should have left Catherine a note."
"She's asleep," Sara replied.
"Never for long."
It was true that Catherine was now an insomniac, and slept in bursts, usually only for a few hours at a time. Often, if Grissom got up in the night, she was up, and just the day before Grissom had had a quiet word with Warrick, suggesting they needed to start thinking about getting her some sleeping tablets. He was glad, at least, that she had agreed to delay her return to Vegas, which surely would have made it worse.
"You worry too much," Sara commented.
"Do I?" he queried.
He doubted it. He wondered if Sara was even aware that she was in the midst of a mild anxiety attack, her adrenaline and fight or flight response kicking in.
"We'll just get some air, and we'll go home," she reasoned. "It'll be fine."
"Okay."
She drove a few miles, her grip on the steering wheel steadily relaxing, until they wove their way up into the hills and to a deserted dirt car park outside one of their new favourite hiking trails. It was Nick who was the biggest fan of the outdoors, and needing to get out of the house, had dragged the group on several outdoor excursions. Sara had admitted that she liked getting out in the fresh air, and that she often felt better out in nature.
But he had never expected to be there in the middle of the night.
She parked the car, and switched off the engine. The night outside was silent, the dark landscape and stars stretching all the way to the horizon.
Without a thought, Grissom reached over and took her hand.
She gave a deep sigh.
"I'm sorry if I scared you."
"It's all right," he said.
She looked through the windscreen, gazing out at the rugged landscape she adored, and he watched and waited while she relaxed. The adrenaline left her body, and slowly, she was ready to talk.
"That nightmare I had?" she began. "That was about my childhood."
Grissom squeezed her hand. He had no idea what to say.
"I haven't thought about it in years," she went on. "I have no idea why it's coming up now, it's been so long."
"Our resilience is low," Grissom postulated. "We're been through the wringer. That might mean that some things which are usually suppressed find a way back in."
"I guess."
Abruptly she shook her head.
"I mean, I don't want to talk about it … the last thing I want to do is go through it again, or drag you down. But … my mom keeps calling, asking what's going on. I have no idea what to tell her. I can't deal with all that right now."
"I understand."
"She can't handle this. There's no way, she's not well enough."
"Then tell her we're fine," he concluded, understanding the reality of the situation. "And you can tell her the truth – that we're looking after each other, and it'll be okay."
"You think it will be?"
She did not look at him as she spoke, but gazed out at a distant horizon.
"I do," he admitted. "If the six of us stick together. But you need to let everyone help."
"I can't do that." Abruptly, she turned back to him. "I can't go through all this with them, explain what happened –"
"They need to know," he pressed. "At least the basics. They can't help if you don't let them."
"They have enough on their plates already. I can't lob all this onto them, it wouldn't be fair."
"I think you underestimate them. And if I know Catherine, she'll have a bigger problem with us fleeing out here without telling anyone, panicking in the middle of the night, than she will with helping you through the current situation with your mother."
That silenced her. He did not mean to push so hard, but it had to be said. She went quiet for a moment, looking back out at the desert.
"You don't have to talk about it," he admitted. "Not every detail. But you do need to let them in, let them help when it becomes difficult."
She did not talk for a while. They sat there in silence, Grissom rubbing and squeezing her fingers, hoping she would not lash out at him. But gradually, she seemed to relax, and then just wanted to sit and enjoy the night, deep in thought. After a while, they got out of the car, and walked a short way over to a rocky viewpoint, looking at the shadows of night-time Nevada. The air was cold, and Grissom fetched an old blanket from the back of Sara's car before wrapping it around them. At some point she leaned against him, and then, at last relaxed, they shared a kiss. He felt in the kiss that she was not angry, but resigned, and was surprised when she delivered another one, this one deeper, a hand tugging on the back of his neck. Unable to resist, and noticing that her nipples were erect through her shirt – a product of the cold night air – he gently lowered her back onto the blanket, and slowly, gradually, they began to make love.
XXX
Grissom was right; their absence had been noticed. Thankfully, however, Catherine had not been up for long, and certainly not long enough to worry. As they pulled back into the driveway, Grissom now feeling a lot more relaxed and light-hearted, he saw that there was a light on in the kitchen window, and when they passed through the door they found her getting a late-night drink.
"Hey," she said, turning toward them, still in her sleepwear. "Where were you?"
"We went for a drive," Grissom reported. "We needed some air."
"We were just looking at the stars," Sara added.
In other times, Grissom would have expected Catherine to raise a cheeky eyebrow, undoubtedly knowing with her flawless intuition what they had been doing, but something in their tone and behaviour seemed to have caught her, and she instead narrowed her gaze, puzzled.
"You left your cell phones," she said, nodding to them still charging on the counter. "And your firearms."
Sara grinned. "It couldn't wait."
Catherine stared.
Sara stepped around her.
"I'm gonna get some rest."
Sara pecked Catherine on the cheek, a silent request for her not to worry, and then disappeared up the hallway. Grissom waited until they heard her footsteps well and truly retreat, and then, predictably, Catherine turned on him with renewed confusion.
"The sex was so urgent you forgot your firearm?" she queried.
She was not angry, just stunned, and he couldn't honestly blame her, given what the past few weeks and months had taught them about safety and being prepared. But he was quick to intervene.
"It wasn't about sex," he confessed, lowering his voice. "She had a nightmare. About her father."
Catherine's anger vanished.
"Her father?"
"She wouldn't talk about it. I barely got that much. But she fled the house in a hurry, had to get some air. I had to practically chase her to the car."
Catherine's eyes narrowed, this time in worry.
"I think we need to talk," he went on. "In the morning."
Grissom didn't want to say anything before Sofia and Nick arrived, seeing no point in repeating himself, and he was also tired from their activities under the stars, and needed an hour or two of rest. He reassured Catherine that things were okay now, and clutched her arm in reassurance before heading back into the bedroom with Sara. He closed the door, and when he climbed into bed Sara wriggled over to him. The sex and cuddle under the stars had been blissful, and he was not surprised to find that now, under the covers, she was naked. She snuggled into him, and sleep was quickly postponed for another half hour. When he did fall asleep he slept through until nine, and got up to find that their four friends were all waiting for them.
Grissom blinked as she rounded the corner into the kitchen, still weary and exhausted, and when Sara followed, she almost came to an abrupt stop.
Their four friends were already sat at the table, breakfast having long been dispensed with and coffees half-drunk, and they fell suspiciously quiet when they walked in.
"Hey," Sara said, sounding wary.
"Morning," Warrick greeted.
The others all nodded.
Grissom flicked the switch on the coffee machine, and grabbed a mug, not committing to anything.
"Why does this have the look of an intervention?" Sara asked. Her tone was half joking, but Grissom could tell that underneath, the question was serious.
"Would you rather we didn't care?" Catherine challenged, blunt.
Grissom watched as his partner sighed and sat down.
"I love you, you know that," Sara said.
"In fact, she tells you that more than me," Grissom joked.
"Jealous?" Sara quipped.
She turned to him, offering a slip of a flirtatious smile. For a moment, her eyes danced, and he was almost tempted to whisk her away back to the bedroom.
His breath caught in his throat.
"If you can control it for a minute," Catherine said, playful but stern, "we need to talk."
"You're asking them to control it?" Warrick joked.
"Maybe if we separate them," Nick added, humorous. He got up and shifted seats, blocking Grissom on his way to sit beside Sara, and sitting in-between them. "There we go."
"Are you done?" Sara asked, smiling.
"Oh, no, I think you're done," Nick commented. "For about half an hour, at least. Just cool your jets, Sara."
"Why do you make us sound sex-obsessed?"
"Would you like us to list the evidence?"
"Can we move on, please?" Grissom asked.
The conversation was starting to exasperate him. His private life with Sara was personal.
He watched as Sara bit down a smile, and then turned to the others, back to the subject at hand.
"All right," she said, turning serious. "What's up?"
"We need to talk," Catherine began.
"Make sure you're okay," Sofia added, diplomatically.
"I'm becoming very wary whenever someone in this house starts a conversation like that," Sara replied.
"Enough with the jokes," Warrick said, his brown eyes looking worriedly at Sara. "You doing okay?"
Sara glanced to him, and Grissom filled in the blanks.
"I told them the basics," he informed her.
Sara gave a nod to herself, before sighing deeply.
"We promised to be honest," Nick reminded her. "It's just between us, okay? Anything you say goes no further."
"You don't have to give us a full account," Warrick added. "If it's too painful. But I think we'd prefer to know that you felt comfortable coming to us, if there's a problem, rather than heading off into the hills."
"I didn't flee into the hills," Sara said, "I just –"
"Needed some air?" Warrick finished.
Sofia sat up straighter, giving Warrick a quelling look.
"You can come to us," she said. "If things are hard. If we're living apart we need to be able to trust each other to do that. Right now, I'm two minutes away, and Catherine and Warrick are in the next room … there's no shame in it."
"It doesn't have to be a big deal," Catherine said, firmly.
"I know," Sara said. Abruptly, her expression grew serious. "I trust you guys completely. I'd never let you down, or deliberately scare you. But at the same time, you have to understand that there are limits to what I can ask you to take on. That nightmare last night, that wasn't about our joint experiences, that was about –"
"Your childhood," Sofia finished, sadly.
"Yeah."
There was a short silence. Grissom saw Sofia take a breath, bracing herself, and he almost sensed what was coming before she delivered it.
"I have a confession to make," Sofia began, gently.
"You read the file," Sara said.
Not for the first time, Grissom felt in awe of Sara's sheer intellect and intuition. She was more or less right. Grissom had been there, weeks ago, when most of the group had taken a peek at the file that was hidden in Dianne's house – a relic of the investigation into their disappearance, and one of hundreds of possible leads – but they had not confessed, until now, that they had done it. Catherine, in particular, had had a few very choice words for what she had thought of Sara's father – language that Grissom rarely heard her use – but somehow they had stifled the need to approach her about it. It had been the wrong moment to bring it up.
"Sofia," Sara began, looking unbothered, "I stand by what I said out there, the last time this came up. I'm okay with you reading those documents. So long as it stays between us."
"We all … read it," Nick said, awkwardly.
"Parts of it," Warrick said. "I couldn't stomach the whole thing."
"It's one thing to read it about a stranger," Catherine said. "It's another to read it about a friend."
She gave Sara a look of bleeding sympathy, her eyes moist, and Grissom saw Sara reach over and squeeze Catherine's arm, briefly.
"We saw the interview with child services," Sofia explained, with a delicate look to Catherine.
Grissom recalled that interview. He had read the entire transcript. He had known all along that Sara's father was an alcoholic, and had sometimes injured her mother, who had schizophrenia. But he been even more disappointed to discover that Sara had been injured several times herself, when she was just a child. It had never been sexual, but Grissom had seen the reports from the hospitals. He, too, had then quit reading. There were limits to how much he could take in, and had stopped when the information was no longer beneficial.
"It was a long time ago," Sara said, with a deep breath as if recovering. "I've left it behind, it's in the past."
The others nodded, accepting this. A quick look at his friends' faces told Grissom that none of them particularly wanted to delve into it any further or deeper, other than admitting that they knew.
"Well, you know we love you, right?" Nick asked, recovering. "You have a family with us, you always will have." He looked around to the others. "Right?"
"Always," Catherine said, promptly.
"It goes without saying," Grissom added.
He and Sara were already engaged, even though they had not set a date. Things were so busy that they were yet to resume that discussion, but he was confident their relationship was permanent.
"You belong with us," Sofia added.
Sara teared up. Grissom watched as she rose, and then, evidently deeply touched, embraced both Nick, and then Sofia, tightly and lovingly. Sofia held her, still looking a little concerned, and spoke as they eventually parted.
"Tell us how to help," she said.
"Would it help if we contacted your mother?" Warrick suggested. "Introduced ourselves? We could allay any fears, if she's worried. I know she keeps leaving you messages."
"Given we're all living together, we should probably say 'hi," Grissom agreed.
"I think that'd be helpful," Sara admitted.
"I'll set up a video call," Sofia said. "My mother's in regular contact with the hospital, it'll be easy enough."
"Thanks."
But Sara was quiet for a minute, and Nick's eyes contracted.
"There something else?" he prompted.
Sara shook her head.
"It's just –" She sighed, deeply. "I should visit. I mean, we've been missing for nearly a year, it must have been hard on everyone, aside from us –"
"You want to go to San Francisco?" Grissom asked.
He sensed she did. But she hesitated.
"If you want to go, I'll come," he offered, simply. "If or when you're ready. But there's no pressure."
"We'll all go," Warrick offered.
Sara hesitated, a million emotions passing through her irises, but then, at last, she was honest – the honesty Grissom had been looking for all morning.
"I'd be very grateful," she said.
She touched Warrick's arm, and then hugged Catherine, before approaching Grissom and laying a kiss straight on his lips. He saw Sofia avert her gaze as it went on, drifting discretely over to the coffee machine, and suddenly the others were interested in packing up their dishes. When they eventually pulled apart Nick made a joke about their bedroom being down the hall – if they needed it – and for once, Grissom was happy to let them have the joke, and more than happy to oblige.
For some reason, I have had a burst of motivation to finish this fic, and have finished off several chapters at once. If you're reading, I'd value the support, please let me know.