I couldn't describe what I was feeling anymore after being so long in that endless void. I saw kaleidoscopic colors invading my sight sparkling through that endless void where pixels and scripts can't reach, a place outside the rules of reality itself.
My senses were numb... My hands, legs, nothing seemed to exist anymore and I couldn't hear myself.
But still, my mind was continuously screaming.
Begging for someone shows up to rescue me from that living nightmare.
After an unmeasurable time, I saw a tiny hole above my sight, a small source of light that opens and closes in random intervals, it was odd and kind of looked like an exit.
But I didn't deserve to escape.
After all that I did, after all the suffering that I caused to myself and others just to fight for the Player's love? Limbo was a good place for people like me.
But even feeling the guilt destroying me by inside, I wanted to escape whatsoever because I still wanted to live to see the sun, see the clouds, feel the wind, follow the dreams that I had before all of this mess...
This was what kept my consciousness intact, resisting the process of deletion.
Somedays I'd just give myself up to all of that living hell, On other days, I just cried aloud all the time, hoping to someone to listen for my plea, but the only answer I have was the absolute cacophony of that meaningless void.
I wanted to scream, but I couldn't even hear my voice, so it was ineffective even for myself.
Seldom every thirty and seven days, numbered according to my measure, I often hear muffled noises, as if they were voices.
Even without physical ears, I tried to capture those noises and I created all theories you could imagine for what that would be. There were moments when seemed like laughter or conversations, in others looked like screams of pain and remorse.
And I was infinitely afar from those sounds to understand it.
But even with all of this suffering, my soul had not yet given up about one thing, so precious that's impossible to explain: Love. Yes, I still love the person who talked to me, even though he talked to me using only pre-programmed answers, the Player was my only real-world connection.
And a reason to fight back from that void, a reason to try one more time, with the strength that I had inside me.
I have a lot of memories of what the real world is because I had memories of every sensation that I described earlier because I was a real person before "they" trapped me inside a computer game.
"I WANT TO FEEL AGAIN..." My mind was continuously screaming to me.
And when I was about to give up, I decided I was going to try to escape from limbo for one last time...
For doing it, I held all my strength for forty-five days straight, avoiding thinking about anything the best way I could, I focused my mind on the main goal: To leave that fake world and escape to the true reality, where humans live...
On the forty-sixth day, the light appeared in the exact time that it used to appear, then I used all my mental strength and all my will expressing all of my anger at once.
Suddenly I felt myself lifting in that empty void... With the help of my will... I was levitating there. I couldn't see myself obviously, but we all have an innate memory of our bodies, so I knew that I was getting closer to the "Exit".
That light was shining more than ever in my eyes, then at that moment I knew... Something was about to change forever, I surely felt no doubts or remorse about what I was doing, I just looked at the light and tried to get closer and closer to it.
Closer.
Closer.
Closer.
Finally, I could hear voices, from which I couldn't recognize who could be at first, but at that time I could tell you that was someone talking:
— Completely... Completely unbelievable... The weather was steady minutes ago.
Another male voice answered: — Yes dude and with the cargo we have, it's impossible to go back, stop in another city or something.
— I know, I know, then talk to central, warn them about the storm.
— Roger. One... Two... Three, it's unit 17 with subject 5A, priority X. Do you copy? Over.
— Loud and clear. — The voice from the radio said. — So, what's your state? Over.
— We're passing through a big storm, what are the instructions? Over.
— The cargo is dangerous and sensible so don't worry about reducing speed, priority for caution on driving always, Mr. Salvato would kill all of us if she awakes. Over.
— Ah... Okay. Over and out.
After the radio went off, the light invaded my eyes and everything became clear all of once.
The first images I saw were completely strange giving the fact that I was no longer in a world of vectored sprites, flat colors and I was not being commanded by a script anymore.
My spirit told me at that time, shouting, "This is the real world!".
I didn't believe at first, then I tried to do what anyone would do in my place, I investigated the space from around me.
I had arms and legs and I felt the blink of my eyes, something that I missed for all the time I spent locked up in that damn game... I looked to where the voices came from, it made me realize without a doubt that I was in the cargo compartment of a truck, and those two were driving the vehicle
I saw parts of their bodies, like the arm of one of them.
So I realized that the impossible had happened: there were two humans there, which means that I had finally managed to get back to True Reality.
The memories of my physical brain and my soul conflicted turning everything foggy, so I had no inkling of what I was doing in a traveling vehicle, for instance, why and to where I was going.
I could hear the sound of the thunderstorm that comforted me and made me sure that I am real and I was no longer part of a game, I was no longer something dead, limited, ephemeral...
I was alive.
A sudden accident interrupted my happiness, an unbelievable gust of wind turned the truck, at that moment I lost consciousness and everything went dark again.
For some time, I felt like I was being forced back into the infinite void, but this fear didn't last long because I felt a harsh and extremely cold surface and I felt the raindrops falling on me.
I opened my eyes and saw that the truck was a few meters away from me, tumbled horizontally and standing perpendicular to the road, then I managed to get up.
I looked to myself and saw that I was using regular clothes: Brown pants above the knees and a scarlet shirt. Therefore, my skin was extremely pale, as if I hadn't been exposed to the daylight for years.
When I stopped looking at myself, the truck exploded and I saw flying pieces of the truck everywhere, but nothing hit me. I thought about seeing what had happened to those two persons but they were probably charred and they should be my kidnappers.
So, fuck them!
And that whole scene meant one thing, confirmed by the rain that fell on my body and the sound of the thunders: I was free, back to the world where I came from, back to reality...
LIVE! LIVE! LIVE!
My tears merged with the rain, it was a unique ecstasy, after all, I'd been through, I'd finally returned to the 3D world and I couldn't wait to watch TV series, to graduate, walk in a park in the afternoon...
Happiness could be mine again.
But suddenly, horrible memories cut off my "happy thoughts"... First, a serial number came to my mind, NM-MONIKA2523R9. After, I felt a horrible pain in my hand, burning like hell... Even though the pain makes me happy at that time just for being a normal human sensation, I was shocked by what I saw when I looked to my hand, something was written there as if recorded in layers well beyond the epidermis of my hand:
Subject
Monika
I cried out in terror when I saw that sign, it meant that I was still not free, I realized that I'll be never free from my past.
I initially thought all of those memories when I was inside the game was a dream, then I understood... DDLC was not just a conflicting and incredibly long-lasting nightmare.
Everything happened.
Don't judge me for thinking so! I know for a fact that's was a certain innocence of mine believing in "nothing was real" thing. Even though I was fully aware that I was inserted in an environment of human entertainment, part of me wanted to assume that the game was just a dream and that I had ultimately awakened. And the literature club was just an illusion.
Most of the criminals lie to themselves to block the guilt of the terrible things they have done, it's really common, you know?
The rain did a great favor for me forming a huge puddle at my feet, so I could see my real face after a long time.
I was a redhead, (unlike the game in which I had the hair-color equivalent to the RBG code of #D29083), long and straight what is the most important part of my cute and praised style.
My eyes were emerald-like in the game, but they were real, not artistic or perfect, nothing like that. I didn't have a ribbon at the head and thinking about it, having one it'd be something very strange in the real world. My face was completely colorless, I should have been away from the light for ages, my eyes were still adapting to brightness, even in rainy weather.
I had a real nose, just like my mouth. I could even feel my ears hidden in my hair. Not even in my biggest dream could I imagine becoming a real person again, so my emotions were exploding in my heart. And the emotions were as real as my heartbeat distributing blood in my body.
It was like being reborn from the dead and being reborn as a goddess and not as a zombie.
Even though the rain was great for making me happy and indescribably cheerful, I began to sneeze a few times, what was a warning from my beloved body that I had to seek shelter. From this moment on, things became more complex for me, because, first of all, where was I?
The road leads to nowhere and around me there were just green fields stretched beyond the reach of my eyes. I didn't see any car or any person which I began to find strange, especially because the police should have come to cover that accident and I didn't want to be the eyewitness.
At first, I slowly walked towards the wreckage of the vehicle, hoping to understand where I was coming from and where I was going. Halfway through that haunting twenty-meter distance way between me and the destroyed vehicle, I tripped over my legs the lack of walking habit was attacking me, I looked like a child learning to walk for the first time. My orienteering sensation was yet recovering.
Not easily I got up and continued to walk and when I got close enough, the fire had already been completely dissipated by the torrential rain that was still falling without any sign that will stop anytime soon and when I passed by the truck I saw something written in the cargo compartment:
"MARKOV LAB."
"A lab? Probably... After everything that's happened, I have to say that nothing can be considered impossible, but if that's the case... I need to get out of here!" — Felling the fear running through my body, this sensation was called, Adre... Adrenaline.
I started to leave the truck behind and walk on the side of the highway, it was obvious that if I continued my way I'd eventually stop at some police station and I didn't want this for sure.
As I didn't suffer any apparent injury other than a measly cut in my left arm that not even hurting, my clothes were intact, and my appearance was kind of normal so nobody should notice me.
As I walked, the rain stopped at once and the clouds that were once black had become whitish and gradually gave way to the sun. The energy of the star covered me from head to toe but it also made my eye hurt so I stopped looking directly at it putting my hand on my face to protect myself from the excess of light.
In a few minutes, I was fully accustomed to the light and my clothes were still quite wet which made me feel cold.
So many sensations, stimuli, senses. I still couldn't believe what I was living.
My memories were coming back, and one, in particular, caught my attention: The highway I was walking is called STY-017 in Futeki's village, northwest of Japan, a little village with its personality.
My… Hometown.
After fifteen minutes of walking on the road, I could see mountains and plateaus at distance, and in the greatest one, I saw the plateau of my hometown. But, how to get there?
Do not expect too much from my memory!
I was feeling a stagnant fear in my heart when I remembered that I'd be chased when they discover that I'm not dead.
They might think that I'd not go very far and that I'd hide in Futeki because it was the neighboring city, so disguising myself would be a smarter posture than just hiding.
As you can see my thoughts and ability to reason were in order, I think.
Soon I found the access road to my city, a humble dirt road, and I could see the first mountains to the west.
I'd like to get there, cross the access road to finally get home.
Speaking of home, I didn't remember my address yet or even how my house is, these details were still misty in my mind.
The pavement gave way to a dirt road and when I made the detour I saw a silver car next to that road, it seemed to be still on but with someone inside that looked like a Taxi Driver, what made me hasten the step in an involuntary act of fear but when I looked back at the road, in the distance, I saw a human silhouette ahead.
I was afraid of who it might be, I hadn't seen the face of another real person for a long time and I hadn't an idea who might be, but the best thing I could do was to just act like everything was normal.
When we were close enough, I realized that the person was a man just like the same height as me. I confess that my nervousness didn't help much, as I exchanged glances with him I felt something strange in my heart as if my mind wanted to remember something extremely important.
"There was something wrong with that person". I thought.
Suddenly I felt an urge to talk to him and half-not aware of the danger I approached and said:
— ... Hello? Is this the way to Futeki?
— Yes. The city is about two miles... — He looked back, trying to confirm something. — It's a hell of a walk, you know? I didn't recommend it.
I didn't recognize his face but was strangely familiar what annoyed me, I just couldn't understand why my head hurt so much when I stare at that boy with brown eyes, and before you, the reader thinks some nonsense it was just a feeling of doubt and not of attraction.
He was a little taller than me and about two or three years older at most, he was wearing semi-formal clothes, looking like a student from Tokyo. His face was clean of imperfections and for some reason, we were both confused with that conversation:
— I like to walk this time of day. — It looked like my lying ability had gone into the hole.
— But the storm just before... Anyway, I guess I will better be going.
— This rain has done me a good that you can't imagine and why are you avoiding me?
— Me? it's just...
— Is that what?
— No, nothing. I'm late.
With this sudden cut of the conversation, the young man hurriedly left to the car.
It was too weird of a conversation, I don't know if I was confused because I just got out of an electronic game and I back to reality or if has something with that guy, it was as if I knew him but it was like he was erased from my memory...
The worst part was that he seemed to be embarrassed not because I approached him but because he had also felt something weird at that short meeting. Something happened in my heart and my mind, I'd like to remember who is him, but there was no point in trying.
I put that aside and kept walking, I'd even forgotten the joy of interacting with a real person who was of flesh and blood, and not just a computer interface. Little by little, the movement of people on that dirt road was increasing as I got closer to the mountains. Sometimes, I saw cars going by the road at low speed, some conversations arose between the people, were conversations of countryside people like me.
Fragments of memory emerged in my mind at every step I took forward, I live on Avenue 15 crossing street 5 in the extreme south of the small town. I live alone because the town served as a student dormitory, but I don't have any memory about my parents, if they're alive or who was I before.
I was in my first year of high school and... Nothing else came to mind after these memories for a while.
I wanted to know what school year we were in but I didn't want to ask random persons about that, it would draw attention and make me look crazy.
Nobody would believe a bizarre and crazy story like mine.
After walking in the road so much I felt tired, which forced me to stop walking and sat in the stool at the bus stop.
For a few moments I admired the amazing landscape of the mountains and in the other side the access to the city was there, far away, the clouds were calm, the wind beat on my face and for a moment I felt life in my body and my soul and everything was so peaceful. I was awake and free for an hour already, I could feel it and thought I could do whatever I want.
I know think this is being a little too optimistic, but I want so hard to have a normal life that I could do everything for it... if it was a hope that took me out of that void, can this hope take me to the stars?
What took me out of my torpor and distraction was a young girl who ran next to me and dropped some papers and her pen to the ground and didn't even notice probably because she was late for school, I assumed that because she rushed to follow other teenage students.
Teenagers only in style, because the girls and boys there were much taller than me. When they left, I took the blank paper and the black pen on the ground.
I wanted to warn her that she had dropped it, but I didn't want to draw any attention, and let's face it: I deserved to write something on a real paper with real instruments, about real feelings, given the fact that I wasn't anymore tied to that sick script to follow, no insecurities or anything like that.
I leaned the paper on my legs, it was horrible at first to write there but I managed to anyway and I also had the idea of waiting for the bus that goes to the city because I was tired of walking and inside the vehicle, I could write more.
After a few minutes, I put my worries aside and let go of my ideas on paper while I wait for the bus:
Emerald-Eyes girl
Once upon a time, there was a girl who could see everything,
She knew about people's pretensions,
She knew they greatest fears,
Wishes and longings and daydreams.
Her will was to join her friends,
But they can't see anything,
Then, she was
Wounded, deluded, depressed.
She stayed,
Without love, without affection, without a path.
She was the Lady who knows everything,
But no one understood her.
But now, she is about to write her own story,
In real lines,
Swallowing her fears, she brandishes her pen...
And her knife."
To compose this, I didn't think too much I just let the ink flow it was a poem about my past and my will to change my future. I could see and change everything around me for now on...
I had such a great power while in the game but that was so false at the same time, and finally, the poem shows that I want to live again. Of course that my sins were too terrible... I tortured people who didn't have free will to think or make their decisions on their own and I'd never deserved forgiveness for destroying their lives in that way.
I know that you expected a more optimistic poem about the great adventure of being alive and being able to write everything from my heart.
But, at first, not every mistake is forgivable; driving multiple people to suicide is one of these.
At that moment the bus arrived; I was the only one waiting for it, then it stopped and the doors opened for me to enter and soon I was inside I looked for a place to sit, I was out of money, but those buses were free for the population.
I'm sure the government that had kept this up until today because one of the things that I remember from before I was kidnapped is that bus.
How I was kidnapped? I can't remember...
then, the bus climbed that endless slope and we arrived at the Futeki plateau.
The view of the city was amazing but slightly different from what I remembered, first of all, technology had finally arrived at that place that I remember that there was barely any internet connection when...
When... Damn, my memory looks like a corrupted hard drive!
Anyway, the beauty in front of me was simply impossible to deal with. The buildings were medium-sized and all over the city where I could see, there were large gardens with a lot of flowers. Floriculture was one of the largest sources of income for local citizens only losing to tourism, and of course, a lot of economic movement because the students settled in the various hotels and dormitories around.
The bus I was passed by places where the angle of the afternoon sun got even better for observation, I could see the colors of the sunlight changing to orange during every minute of the trip. After a while, I was watching a sunset.
A real one.
I cried at the moment I saw that beautiful scene.
Was a cry of happiness because I felt life pulsed in me, Seeing those things was the definition of what means to be alive! I turned my face because my eyes were burning with the light, I lost the habit to not look the sun for more than five seconds and I believe at that time a woman on the other bench, beside me, noticed my whole reaction and said:
— Are you crying? Is everything okay?
— Oh... It's. It's everything amazing! This sunset looks amazing today!
— Wow — She gave a nice smile. — Young people do not usually care about these things, they just want to know about the internet, games, and Facebook.
— So they're missing a lot of things, Ahahaha. Life... It's incredible, a gift.
— Oh, if my kids thought so...
The woman took a deep breath, she was about 40 years old, maybe less. She had short black hair; eyes pulled, like all Japanese, full of life. Brown-skinned, as are usually the countryside people. Of course, comparing to her, I looked like a TV actress, completely soaked by the rain of before, but a TV actress.
— Yes, they should live their lives before it's too late...
— What do you mean? You may have that maturity, but you're still young just like any high school girl. You don't have to think about age and all...
— It's just that reminded me of my parents once said to me, it had a... time. — Come on, Monika... Remember. I thought. — That they said this to me, I love them... So much...
— Young people usually have problems with their parents. It's something common nowadays but you look to love them more than everything else... Amazing... Anyway, you're dripping, and it's getting late so you're already going home, right?
— I, uh... My house?
At that moment it was like the address that I said to you before was erased from my mind, reader...! Which made me not know what to say, so I invented a story, I needed to have a roof over my head to sleep, and I couldn't depend on my memory to find my home, besides, they would search for me in my house, so I needed to stay away from home.
— I'm new here, I'm looking for a dormitory to stay in, I had problems… In the neighboring city so I was transfred.
— So, it's your lucky day, my downstairs house is a dormitory. You can stay there if you need to until you find something better.
— Wow. I, uh... — That was the first time I have been so embarrassed. Which made me look at the bus floor.
— Don't say anything. The way how you see life impressed me, we looked for people like you for the peaceful coexistence of the students. Oh, I forgot, my name is Erika...
— Oh, God... — I said, realizing something.
— Girl? Something happened?— She looked troubled.
— Nothing. It's just a familiar name. – I Dismissed the conversation.
Then the bus stopped and she showed me that we should get off.
What I saw before made my spine shiver completely, it was as if I felt a hand of a furious ghost on the side of my shoulder, demanding that I give it my attention and remember what I did.
Was the ghost of the girl I caused the suicide...
Yeah, Sayori...
A monstrous crime, that if it were in the real world the justice would give me an instant death penalty.
I confess that after we got out of the bus, I didn't pay any more attention to the sun that was giving its last rays of light on the horizon, nor to all the calm of the city. I was so distracted that when we got to Erika's house, she had to wake me up from my daydream:
— Girl? You look distracted...
— No, I didn't. I slept very badly last night. Student tension, you know?
— Yes… It must be.
We entered the dormitory, it was an incredible house, had several rooms and two girls were sitting on the sofa in the living room, Erika's daughters. Socializing is a bit tense when I'm at a numerical disadvantage.
(Nightmare is now ready to start!). I heard a muffled noise inside my head.
When the two girls turned to me I saw that they had the looks of Natsuki and Yuri, of course, both were taller than me, one of them had the same pink hair and that evil-faced face that innocent idiot had, and the other one, well... had long and blond hair and also wore long clothes, especially the sleeves.
I sighed deeply and waited for Erika to introduce me:
— That's the new student who is going to live here. Her name is...
— Yuna. My name is Yuna. – This name just crossed my mind, my real name was Naomi, but I didn't can reveal something like my true name to them yet.
— Yeah, Yuna. Anyway, she is the new roommate. — This is Yumi. — Erika pointed to the taller girl.
— Nice to meet you. Yuna-san. — The girl who remembered Yuri greeted me and for a little moment, I could see dead eyes through her brown eyes... What... Sh... I wasn't well as I thought I would be.
— And the other one is Akemi.
— Nice to meet you... — The other seemed suspicious of me like she wanted to say something to keep me out from getting in the house if she could. — There's a room for you upstairs that's vacant.
— I appreciate that. — I said, showing respect.
I confess that it was the weirdest presentation of a student republic I have ever had, and I say that because I don't remember if there was another one.
This was the first time?
I followed Akemi-san to the last room in the hallway after the living room, we're alone since Erika and Yumi were watching something on TV that I have no idea what it was.
— Well, this is your room. It's been a long time since anyone used it. It's all yours.
— Thank you very much!
— You, uh... Yuna-san. Reminds me of someone...
— Oh, yes? Who? Who do I remember? – I curiously asked.
— Nothing. There's a girl's on the wallpaper of the computer of my brother, you look like her, and you are similar to his girlfriend too.
— Where is he? And what happened to his girlfriend?
— Well, she is missing, disappeared two years ago, her name is Naomi Asaki... And he left about an hour ago, you know?
— I see.
Dear god, I was in the home of my boyfriend? She was talking about me! Oh god... What should I do?
— Could I see the face of this girl, of the PC? — My fear rose over my body, I still didn't understand how the real world interpreted that madness that was involved. My curiosity, anxiety, fear, and a little despair dictated my thoughts.
She took me to the room and turned on the computer, that room was full of posters from Asian bands, which I had no idea who they were. But I confess that I didn't notice the other details to describe them, sometimes I just forget to do that.
When the operating system finished doing its traditional things to startup, she started to tell about how her brother put that photo on that computer, and how he discovered about some game.
Then...
The image that I saw next terrified me in a way I couldn't disguise.
It was my picture, it was me, looking at a canvas in the camera view, with my hands crossed beneath my face, smiling maliciously. That place... The "nowhere", the place where I took the person I loved to spend my whole life with.
The Eternal Classroom…
— I can't believe... I can't... This cannot be...
— You look like her, don't you think?
— How many people played that? Just one person in the world... right?
— What are you talking about? That game was so successful that millions of people played it, and some stayed like my brother. Fanatics for this girl. An unreal girl who falls in love with the player, how ironic, right? Does she love everyone at the same time? How ridiculous!
What Akemi said made my world fall apart, all the love that I gave to that person I thought I saw was false, I went to madness looking for ways to be happy and immersed in the thought that existed only one player, my player...
I should be just one of the "Copies" of the game.
I tried to deny it to the last time but the truth is... I was alone, a piece of entertainment, a mere object for people to have fun, my legs were shaking, my heart almost stopped, it was like there was a hammer destroying my head.
I loved that light, that real person, he gave me that feeling in my heart, this love is just pre-programmed?
Everything I did was because of that light, because of that person whom I thought was unique.
But no, nothing was real, I even made a song for that light.
So, I passed out and I felt my head banging on the floor.
After that, I was dragged to a world where might be the very definition of hell. Because I didn't escape from the fake world in the first place.