Author's note: This is part 3 of a trilogy and I highly recommend reading part 1 "Of Sinking or Swimming" and part 2 "In a Savage Land" first. I sincerely thank my beta EnviroHamada from AO3.

Disclaimer: Everything you recognize from "Stand By Me" or "The Body" belongs to Stephen King.

The Roaring Silence

Chapter 1

It was 1968 when my best friend leaned over from the passenger seat and kissed me. It lasted only a few seconds but in those moments, I felt like I had come home after a long journey. And at the same time, it left me feeling like I was standing on a precipice, the rock giving way under my feet.

He drew back almost immediately, looked at my face as if he was searching for something. I felt the urge to tell him it was alright. But it wasn't. The two opposing feelings battled in my mind – and the increasingly overwhelming one was that of feeling the ground crumble under me.

I saw him press his lips together in a thin line, then lean back and turn his face to the window. The atmosphere in the car had changed completely from one second to the next, from one of elated victory to one of discomfort.

I wanted to say something. Anything. But the words would not come. How do you tell your friend what he knows himself? That this could only lead back to what he had been running away from all his life?

This could pull us both underwater and leave us struggling for air that was out of reach.

I chewed my lip as I started the car, a tinge of despair gnawing at me while he kept on staring at the city and then the grasslands, trees, and gentle hills going by.

When we arrived at his place, I stopped the car still not knowing what to do. My anxiety had grown during the last hour. I knew that if I let him get out of the car without a word, without having resolved ... this ... I would lose him. I needed to assure myself that we would be alright.

I was out of the car and on his side before he could move, opening the door for him. That earned me at least a glance after him having evaded any attempt at eye contact since I started the car.

He hesitated only a second before picking himself up, getting out of the car, and walking briskly to the entrance. Without a word, I followed him down the stairs, the noise of a crying infant in one of the apartments above almost inaudible over the static in my ears. I still had not found the words to talk to him. And this felt like crossroads.

I closed the front door behind me and followed him halfway to the corner that served as a kitchen. He leaned heavily on the sink for a second. The light through the milky window panes high up on the ceiling made him look ashen.

He took a deep breath. "Gordie ... man, I'm so sorry..."

Something in my chest clenched at the look he shot me when he finally glanced up. "I'm sorry I did that."

All I could do was fight against the lump in my throat to get any words out. "Chris ..."

"I know." A dejected smile crossed his face. "It's just ..." He passed a hand over his eyes before gripping the edge of the counter again. "You've been the only thing in my life that's been so constantly ... good." He let that word linger heavily in the air. "And for a moment I must have confused this ... gratitude with something else."

I felt like I couldn't breathe, a flood of memories was rolling through my mind like a tidal wave. Of a steady hand pulling me to my feet when a bully had knocked me down as a kid, of warm arms holding me when I had finally cried over Denny and when my father had died. Of the furious wish to be taller and stronger when I looked at his empty seat in the classroom, knowing what had caused his absence. The wish to be able to do something, anything, when I watched him slink back into class and to his seat, covered in bruises and steeling himself against the other, more subtle sort of abuse that awaited him at a school where he would always be regarded as one of those good-for-nothing Chambers kids. And his trademark half-smile he shot me, despite everything, as if only he and I were privy to a secret. Which in a way, we always had been, at least since that summer when we were 12.

And the most recent memory, of that suddenly serious look in his eyes, tinged with astonishment, of him leaning closer, of his lips against mine ... the gentlest touch as if he had been afraid I might bolt any second.

Which I had not. Even though I had had seconds of warning of what was coming. It had been wonderful. And fatally wrong at the same time. Can you dig that?

He took two glasses from the cupboard and filled them with tap water.

Then he turned to me and offered one with an outstretched arm and an open and unguarded look of sadness in his eyes that weighed so heavy it almost made me rock back on my heels.

I closed the space and took the glass, noticing my hand was shaking slightly. I looked at it with a distanced curiosity.

I cleared my throat, not trusting my voice. This time it was me who didn't meet his eyes. "Is this a peace offering or a goodbye?"

"Gee, no! It's not a goodbye. At least I don't want it to be." I heard the pause in his voice, the silent raising of his inner defenses he had perfected over the years. "Do you?"

"No, Chris, I don't want ... I mean, I would ..."

I squeezed my eyes shut and took a deep breath. "If things were different..." I began but trailed off, the words too heavy on my tongue.

I heard the click of the glass on the counter when he put it down. "What then?"

His voice was very quiet and I felt the weight of his eyes on me.

My hand holding the glass was definitely shaking now. I stared at it rather than looking at him. "I ... I guess I just wished things were different." I finally got out.

He gently took the glass of water from my unsteady grasp to put it down. Then he took a step towards me and rested his hands lightly on my upper arms. I could feel the care he took not to make me feel trapped seep from his fingertips through the cotton of my shirt.

"Gordie?"

I finally looked up and met his eyes. I saw fear there but also something else. Something earnest and very ... resolved. "Tell me to stop."

I said nothing, just looked at him as he leaned in slowly. A deep calm settled over me. No fear. No anxiety. It felt like the inevitable pull of gravitation. I closed my eyes.

"Tell me to stop", he said once more, a whisper I felt against my lips rather than hearing it.

The first seconds were a flutter of his lips against mine. When I didn't withdraw, something switched. His thumbs made one caressing, almost soothing motion on my arms while he leaned in even closer, kissing me in earnest now, determined and coaxing.

One of his hands slid to the back of my neck and it was that touch that brought me out of my stupor. I moved my hands to clutch his sides, bunching bits of his shirt in my fists. As I felt the tentative, gentle slide of his tongue, my lips parted as if of their own accord. He made the tiniest step forward, deepening the kiss. I felt off-balance. It was as if an ocean wave had hit me and taken the legs right out from under me, leaving me breathlessly floating in the sudden, green-blue, roaring silence of the sea. Although I remained standing, in some way I lost touch with the ground that bore me.

This was going to my head. And fast. Like alcohol on an empty stomach. And it was going to other places of my body.

Suddenly the feeling of being underwater and not being able to breathe was too much. I took hold of his shoulders and pushed. Only lightly but enough to dislodge us and for me to regain my balance.

I had to take several sharp breaths while returning his searching gaze, a tiny crease between his brows.

He was starting to lean closer again and I wanted to let him. Oh, I so wanted to let him. But I stood my ground and held him off by his shoulders – trying to ease the blow of rejection I saw creeping up in his eyes by leaning my forehead against his. "We shouldn't be doing this."

Chris let his hand slide from my neck to my cheek. "I know. But it doesn't have to be public. No one will know." He raised his head and looked at me. His eyes were almost startling from this proximity. "Whatever this is … you will still date nice girls and get serious with one, get married, and have kids, alright?" He brushed a thumb over my cheekbone, while thoughts were chasing each other in my head.

"Wait! What?" I pushed him off so he almost stumbled back. "You expect me to kiss you when we're alone together and still go chasing girls?" Anger was bubbling up inside me. "And what if I find a wife and have kids, you expect me to take weekends off to come to see you?"

Chris's eyes widened in shock. "No, of course not, I ..."

"And what about you?" I cut him off, taking a step back to put more distance between us. "Are you seriously looking to date and marry a girl and then cheat on her by sneaking off for ... for this?"

It was as if all energy had left his body. He sank against the counter, putting his hands over his face.

"Oh, Gordie." He almost groaned. "No, I don't plan on cheating. Or on having a wife for that matter. And as for you..." Letting his hands fall, he gave me a look laden with unhappiness. "I'm sorry, I don't know what you want. All I know is that I don't want to get you into trouble. I've done that enough over the years. I don't want you to forfeit any plans for a normal life because of me. But I also want..." He trailed off. But he looked at me and he didn't have to say it.

Something in my chest tightened. My anger seemed to dissipate like smoke in a strong wind.

He shrugged unhappily. "I'm sorry", he repeated.

My head was spinning. Now it was me who had to lean on the counter to steady myself. I rediscovered my abandoned glass of water and emptied it in a couple of gulps. When I put it down, I shook my head. "No, I am sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you like that. Truth is ..." I took a deep breath. "I don't know what I want. Wife, kids ..." I threw him a pointed glance and pressed my hands flat on the counter. "Until today, you were not part of this sort of consideration. I never thought this was an option."

"Neither did I", Chris admitted quietly.

"Then why did you kiss me?" It was out before I could stop it.

"Jesus, I don't know. I had been wanting to, but I was scared. Maybe it was the relief of seeing my dad leave. And it amazed me that you took it all so lightly ... the hearing, his insults." He sighed. "Maybe I was sick of being called all sorts of things by people, by my brothers and dad … and still never getting what I want …" His head tilted ever so slightly to the side as he looked at me. His gaze saying clearly what he did not voice.

After a long pause, he asked: "Why didn't you tell me to stop?"

I swallowed around my constricting throat. He kept looking at me, raising an eyebrow expectantly.

"I ... I don't know."

"I gave you ample warning the second time, yet you didn't back out." It was clearly a remark, not a question.

"I know. I'll have to think about it, okay?" I needed to digest this - but clear thoughts seemed to elude me in his presence. "I'll call you in a couple of days, okay?" I said, half-turning for the door.

"So … is this goodbye?" he asked, once more, the defeat evident on his face.

"Just for now, yeah … I think it's best."

The crease between his brows deepened. "Are you sure you can drive? You're shaking."

He was right, I realized. It had been a long day and the emotional upheaval had left me raw and exhausted. Still, I needed to get out and clear my head. The almost three hours' drive back to Orono seemed daunting but necessary.

"I'll be fine", I shot back over my shoulder while making for the door.

"Gordie?" he called after me.

I stopped in the open door and looked back at him. He stood, lost, in the middle of his dingy flat, the ashen light at his back. "This doesn't have to change anything. I'm not asking for anything, you dig me?"

"Bullshit", I said before I could stop myself. And then I left.

I drove like I was in a trance. Just outside of Portland, I pulled over and stopped the car. Pressing my hands to my face for a moment, I was shocked to find it wet. I took a deep breath and started screaming, balling my hands into fists and hitting the wheel and every bit of the inside of the car I could reach.

I hope you enjoyed this. If yes, please take a moment to leave a review. Chapter 2 will be up soon.