"Anderson or Paul?" Chandler sat at the edge of his La-Z-Boy, awaiting Joey's answer.

Wearing a black, turtleneck sweater, Joey's head seemed to retract into the garment, his eyes bulging. He shook his hands and arms like a stork preparing for takeoff.

"Why do you do this to me, Chandler? You know that's an impossible choice!"

"Hey!" Chandler pointed at his roommate as he shouted. "You were the wuss who wouldn't take a dare, so suck it up and answer! Truthfully."

"You already know what I'm going to say," Joey whined.

"Then this should be easy."

"Yeah, but—" Joey groaned. "You know how a guy's supposed to respond. It's clearly supposed to be the one with the bigger breasts, right?"

"Objection! Counsel is leading the witness!" Ross's interjection garnered him nothing but annoyed glares from both men.

Chandler stood in front of the television set. "Joey, stop stalling and answer the blasted question. Which Baywatch lifeguard would you rather have giving you mouth to mouth?"

Joey squinted and made a noise through sealed lips as if constipated. "Fine! You win. It's gotta be Alexandra Paul. It's her hair. Her face. The way she makes me believe she could be an actual lifeguard. Paul all the way."

"I knew it!" Chandler leapt into the air and pumped his fists as if he had accomplished something of historical significance. Amid his juvenile celebratory dance, he accidentally kicked the tv set. The screen went blank, and the commercial for a local used car lot went silent. "Oh, crap."

"What did you just do?" Joey shot out of his recliner, gesticulating with furious hands.

"I don't know. I think I turned it off."

"Well fix it!" Joey slapped his hands together with every syllable. "Rapido!"

Chandler, already kneeling in front of the television, shot back with his usual sarcasm. "No! I thought I'd just take out my Baywatch book and read the episode instead!"

Ross shook his head, his hand covering his mouth as if to hide a grin. "You two argue like an old married couple."

"Could you be more clichéd?" Chandler did not even bother to look back. He could fire off facetious barbs blindfolded and hit his target every time.

Ross huffed and clenched his fists. "You know, I didn't come here to be insulted."

That argument stopped Chandler. He had stare at his old college roommate, incredulous. "Really? You've known me how long now?"

"You know what? Fine. You two just watch your stupid show, and let me wallow in—"

"Stupid?" Joey gnashed his teeth. "That's how you talk about Alexandra Paul? Get out!"

Ross opened his mouth to reply, but he snapped his trap shut when he saw the fire in Joey's eyes. Not one to confront conflicts, he put his hands in his suit pocket, spun around, and walked to the door. Before he grabbed the handle, he turned to say something, but Joey pointed at the door with more emphasis. Ross complied, slamming the door behind him.

"Why was he here in the first place?" Joey asked.

"Oh, you know Ross. Probably wanted to tell us about a scheme to get married just so he could be divorced in Guinness Record Book time." Chandler pressed the power button on the television, and the screen pinged back to life. "Hey, look at that! I got it!"

Chandler and Joey watched as a female lifeguard dragged a man out of the ocean and onto the beach. They heard her announce her intentions to give mouth-to-mouth. But instead of proceeding with the urgency a life-and-death situation required, she stopped to unhook her bikini top. In the background, the sound of a muted trumpet played repetitive notes associated with porn. The two roommates stared open-mouthed at the actress's bared breasts.

"Uh, Joey, why is she half-naked on broadcast television?" Chandler narrowed his eyes, confused he had bothered to question his luck.

"I don't know, but I'm already turned on."

"I think we've got free porn again." Chandler sat back in his chair. "Dude! We're luckier than an astronaut who just won the mega-millions."

"Whatever you do, don't let Monica anywhere near it." Joey unbuckled his belt and pulled his jeans down to his knees.

"Joey, what do you think you're doing?"

"Like I said, I'm turned on. It's a use it or lose it situation here, Chandler."

Uncomfortable, Chandler noticed his friend rubbing his crotch through his underwear. The bulge beneath the fabric left little to the imagination. No matter how weird he felt in his head, Chandler could not tear his gaze away. His own jeans seemed to lose their roominess. He could not decide whether to jerk off alongside his friend or leave for some private time in his room.

The scene ended abrupt as a premature ejaculation. Instead of a half-naked girl sucking on a large phallus, the screen showed two male lifeguards kissing one another. The pair wore nothing but red speedos. They moaned as they slipped their tongues into each other's mouths.

"Woah!" Joey shouted. He must have forgotten that his pants were down, for he jumped out of his chair and immediately fell on his face. "Ow!"

"You okay?"

"What are they doing? This is supposed to be free porn!" He pushed himself off the floor and pulled his pants back up to his waist.

"It is porn. Just not the kind you wanted to see." Chandler rolled his eyes.

"Well, turn it off!"

"We can't do that, Joey. Remember what happened last time we turned off free porn? It was gone. Just gone."

"But this is—"

"Yeah, so?" Chandler crossed his arms. "It won't last forever. It'll come back to the normal stuff soon. Just be patient."

Patience was not something people often expected from Joey Tribbiani, but he followed Chandler's advice. He sat back in his chair, groaning.

Unlike any porno Chandler had ever seen, the models in this scene spent several minutes on kissing. They ran their hands over one another's body. Based on the sounds they made, each touch brought them closer to the edge, and they were not even having sex yet. Chandler stared at the muscular men as one caressed the other's pectorals, pinching the nipple. The pinched man gasped at the sensation before pulling his partner's mouth down to the nub for a licking.

The tightness in Chandler's pants left him with no further recourse. He had to unbuckle and unzip right away to relieve the pressure. His penis tented beneath his boxer briefs, throbbing its demand for attention.

At the sound of a zipper going down, Joey whipped his head about to see Chandler taking out his dick. "What are doing? Is this actually doing it for you?"

"Joey," Chandler sighed, "I was already turned on. This is just background noise right now."

"Really?"

"Yeah! I mean, you've gotta admit, though. They're not bad-looking, are they?"

"I wasn't exactly looking."

"They seem to enjoy it. And a lot, based on all the moaning." Chandler had his hand around his mini-Chanchan and stroked it with slow motions.

Moments later, the taller of the two lifeguards pulled down his partner's skimpy swimsuit and plunged an erect cock into his mouth. The pleasurable moaning that erupted out of the shorter of the two models sent shiver down Chandler's spine, right to the tip of his penis. His hand tightened, and his fist tracked up and down the shaft a little faster.

"Wow." Joey pulled his pants back down, his boner having made a sudden resurgence.

"They really like this," Chandler said.

"Yeah, but why is this getting me hard?"

Chandler could not answer. He had stopped trying to understand his own body's reaction, let alone Joey's. "What do you think that tastes like?"

Joey shrugged. "I never thought about that. I just know it feels good when a girl does it for me."

The shorter lifeguard moaned as if he might die of pleasure. The one on his knees smiled as he licked up and down his partner's cock.

Chandler shifted his focus to Joey's erect penis. Circumcised, it stood at least seven inches straight in the air. It had a tanned pigment thanks to the Italian genes, and a freckle dotted the midway point. "Would you like me to help with that?"

"What?" Joey let go of his tool. "Are you serious?"

"I don't think I could be more serious."

"You're into this? But every time people thought you were gay, you—"

"I'm not gay, Joey. Just curious. Who better to help me satisfy my curiosity than my best friend?" Chandler stood and edged his way over to his friend's chair. He took the unattended penis in hand, feeling the blood-warmed thing pulsing as if excited. "Think of it this way, we try this once. Assuming we don't like it, we'll never have to wonder again."

Joey nodded. "In that case, best friend, go ahead. Suck my dick."

Hesitating a moment, Chandler inched his mouth closer to the Italian-American's Schwanstücke. Up close, it seemed big as an eel. He closed his eyes, stuck out his tongue, and lowered himself onto his target. The taste of sweaty flesh slicked over his lips. To his astonishment, he found the sensation far more pleasing than he expected. Making a yummy sound in the back of his throat, Chandler tried to fit more of Joey in his mouth. Even better, he could hear his friend encouraging him with a low moan.

"Chandler! How come this feels so good? Oh! Yes! That's good." Joey placed his hands on the back of Chandler's head, tousling the man's longish hair.

Chandler bobbed his head back and forth on the penis, sucking as if on the world's tastiest Blow Pop. At one point, he took the cock out of his mouth and licked the length from tip to ball sack. That scored him a whine of pleasure. Knowing that he had caused that reaction urged Chandler to go on.

"Chandler, stop." Joey's words halted Chandler, though he groaned a protest. "You're gonna make me cum if you keep that up."

"Isn't that the idea?"

"Well, yeah, but how could I live with the shame of shooting my load after only three minutes?" Joey stood from his recliner and pulled his friend up to eye-level. "Plus, if they're right, it's supposed to be my turn now."

Chandler turned his head toward the television screen, and he saw that the two lifeguards had switched roles. Now the taller of the two models received a blowjob, making high-pitched noises to communicate how much he liked his partner's attentions. The sight made Chandler's cock stiffen again, just in time for him to feel a warm, wet mouth swallowing it.

"Oh, man! Wow! You do that so good. Much better than Janice."

That comment caused Joey to stop and glare up. "You mention that annoying broad's name again while your dick is in my mouth, and you might lose it."

"Sorry."

Joey resumed sucking on Chandler's member, satisfying his friend's desires before they were even known. Joey gripped his friend's butt cheeks to help push the cock further into his mouth. In the process, his hand slipped into Chandler's crack, brushing against the man's hole. Chandler sucked in a breath through his teeth.

"You okay, Chan?"

"Ooh! Do that again." Chandler's moans grew louder as his friend simultaneously caressed his hole and sucked on his dick. He felt a tingle in his loins as he came closer to the edge of excitement. "Joey, you're going make me cum."

Joey popped his mouth off the penis. "Not in my mouth, you won't."

No longer distracted with a mouth on his cock, Chandler looked to see what was happening on the porno channel. The taller lifeguard had turned around to allow his partner access to his ass. Instead of a finger, though, the shorter lifeguard had stuck his tongue up that hole. The two models had not steered them wrong so far, and Chandler thought the ecstasy on that taller lifeguard's open-mouthed face would be impossible to fake.

"No." Joey said the word before Chandler could speak. "I am not licking where your shit comes out."

"Well, what if I did it for you?" Chandler suggested. "Sounds like he really likes it."

"You do realize they're actors getting paid for a job, right?"

"Yeah, and when was the last time you heard of a porn actor getting accolades for their nuanced performances?" Chandler knelt on the floor beside Joey and grasped his friend's cock. The tubular organ stiffened in his hand in an instant. "Let me try this out. If you hate it, we stop. If not, you give it a chance."

"I can tell you now I won't—" Joey stopped talking as Chandler maneuvered himself behind Joey and plunged his tongue deep into his friend's hole. "—Oh! It's so – Wow! You do this so well."

"You like it then?"

"Yeah! You've done this before, right?"

"No."

"Then how're you d-doing that to me?"

Chandler spat on Joey's hole and used a finger to work the saliva into the orifice. "How's this feel?"

"It pinches a little."

Further licks and spits made Joey's sphincter unclench, and with it, the pained grunts gave way to moans echoing the porn models' pleasure.

"How about now?"

"Better." Joey turned to watch. "Does it taste like – uh – you know—"

"Not at all." Chandler smiled. "You want your turn now?"

"I suppose. We did make a deal."

Chandler pushed himself off the floor and placed his knees on his recliner's seat. Bending over, he made his ass available for Joey to slap. "Ow! What did you do that for?"

"Sorry. You made such a great target. I couldn't resist."

"Could you be more childish, Joey? I'm not into pain."

"Fine." Joey bent to lick Chandler's hole but stopped mere inches away. "You're sure I won't have a bad taste in my mouth?"

"Joey, if it tastes that bad, I'll literally go out and buy you some gelato to take your mind off it."

Joey moved in again, but he once more backed off at the last minute. "You aren't feeling gassy right now, are you?"

"Joey, if you don't lick my ass in the next five seconds, I might lose it!"

At last, Chandler could feel the hot, wet tongue licking around the entrance to his hole. It felt even better than Joey's hand. He savored every swipe at his hole, allowing the experience to consume him. Just as he believed this could not get any better, Chandler felt an intrusive object slide inside. His breath hitched as it glided back and forth in his anus. He looked back to see joey inserting two fingers. There was some pain, but the flood of excitement in his brain overrode his usual reaction of avoiding pain. He could not believe how an uncomfortable sensation could transform into one he desired so quickly. He moaned, begging for more.

"Yeah! Stick it in!" It was the taller lifeguard's voice.

Chandler watched as the shorter model penetrated his partner's ass with his dick. In that instant, he imagined Joey doing the same to him. Looking down, he noticed how Joey had remained hard. "Hey, Joey. Want to put it in me?"

"Put what in you?" Joey had not seen the change on the television, too wrapped up in shoving fingers up Chandler's hole.

"You know. The real thing."

Joey's eyes widened as he realized his friend's meaning. "Yeah." He stood, readying himself for entry.

"Wait, don't you have a condom?"

"Condom? Chandler, you're supposed to be the smart one. Did you forget you can't get pregnant?"

Chandler rolled his eyes, too impatient to bother with setting his friend straight. "Just put one on!"

"Alright, Jeez!"

The lubricated latex protector rolled onto Joey's erect penis. Light reflected off the condom, seeming to make the cock even meatier than before. Chandler licked his lips. Joey repositioned himself and entered. Chandler held himself back from yelling out in pain. This penetration caused a few tears to bead at the corners of his eyes.

"Slow down, please!"

"Sorry."

For a time, Joey's penis simply rested partway into Chandler's ass. As the feeling lost its intensity, Chandler inched himself back onto the cock. He felt like a turkey skewering itself on a rotisserie rod. Once his butt cheeks scratched against Joey's pubes, Chandler knew he had sheathed the entire weapon.

"Are you okay?" Joey asked.

"Yeah."

"Do you want me to – you know – move at all?"

"Please."

At that word, Joey began to retract his penis, slow as a turtle, before slamming it back in. Chandler gasped as the cock touched something inside him that made his brain forget the pain. "Do that again! Just like that!"

Joey continued his pattern of thrusting and removing, varying the speed each time as Chandler responded with moans and encouragements. Within a few minutes, Chandler ejaculated a spray of cum onto his recliner without having to touch his dick. He shook with pleasure at the release as Joey still pounded his ass.

"Damn, your ass feels so good, Chandler!"

Chandler wanted to compliment his friend's endowment, but he could only manage a whine.

"Oh, man! I'm cumming!" Joey's cock plunged in one more time before halting. He wrapped his arms around Chandler's chest in a shaky embrace as his hips spasmed.

Chandler could feel the tip of the condom expanding within his ass. Joey withdrew his cock. The sudden feeling of emptiness made Chandler wish the sex could have gone on a little longer. He looked up at the screen and saw the two lifeguards were still humping away, apparently having more stamina than he and Joey.

The two men slumped into Chandler's recliner. Joey reached an arm around his roommate. The pair looked into each other's eyes, grinning.

"I can't believe we just did that." Chandler gasped.

"I can't believe we only just now did that!" Joey grasped Chandler's chin with his free hand and smooched the man in his arms. "We're gonna have to do this again."

Chandler returned the kiss, moaning. "But remember, Joey. No one can know about this."

"I may have to amend my answer from earlier."

Cocking an eyebrow, Chandler asked, "What answer?"

"I think I'd rather have Jeremy Jackson giving me mouth-to-mouth."

Chandler laughed and rested his head on Joey's chest.

Across the street, Ross stood at his window. When he rented this apartment, he had been able to watch Monica and Rachel doing their girlie things. Since Chandler and Joey had won the apartment from the women, now he could see what inane things they had gotten involved in. His mouth dropped as he observed the two men. They were naked, laying together in the same recliner, spooning and kissing. His hand dropped to his crotch.