Cowboys and Critters
Chapter 7: Eye of the Storm
It didn't feel real. It felt like a nightmare that he could not seem to wake up from. Daniel expected his parents to walk in the door at any moment. The funeral was set to happen but only Adam had seen them since the accident.
The little ones had been crying on and off, not able to understand why their parents were not ever coming home. Daniel, no longer Danny, was old enough to know they were dead. That didn't mean he understood any better why they died and left all their kids behind.
He couldn't admit it aloud because just thinking it made him feel ill, but he was so mad at them for leaving. He shook with anger as he felt the effects of his parents' unwilling abandonment. They didn't choose to leave them; that didn't change the fact that they were gone forever. Gone was gone. The McFadden boys were now all alone.
Daniel hadn't spoken anything in days, except for an occasional bout of angry words when pushed. Everyone kept pushing. They wanted him to come here, say something, eat that, help out, and just plain live. He didn't mean to ignore and defy. He didn't want to make things harder on his family but he didn't know how to get past the crushing pain in his chest.
He had taken to hiding out. Wherever someone was not, he went. When a brother or a well-meaning neighbor approached him he slunk the other way. They had finally started giving him space after he blew up at the dinner table the night before.
He wanted to be left alone but he didn't want to be alone. He knew he was poor company but he wanted his remaining family close by. He didn't want them to disappear, never to come home again, when he wasn't watching. He haunted doorways, lingered in hallways, hid under hay piles, tables and beds. He stayed close enough to stay a part of the family. Yet he held himself far enough apart to try and cope with his grief in his own way.
He sat against the side of the house, listening at the kitchen window. They had all taken the week off school. Crane had taken Evan and Ford to do the chores in the barn with the help of some of the neighbors. Brian was reheating a meal one of the ladies had dropped off. Adam tried to feed Guthrie as he refused food he usually loved as he cried for Mama to feed him instead. The two oldest McFaddens discussed funeral plans. Who should talk, what to sing, and what dress to put Mama in? Daniel wanted to flee, the topic made what little food he chocked down want to make a reappearance.
He didn't want to talk about it, but he didn't want to go through the motions like it didn't happen either. He tried not to think about it but it was all he could think about. The loss was a physical thing living inside the house and taking up residence in his head. Its dark phantom fingers would randomly chock him. He couldn't breathe past the lump in his throat. He tried to blink away the tears in his eyes before they could fall down his cheeks. He refused to cry, swallowing down the sobs.
He pushed down his growing sorrow only for it to be replaced by a wave of burning hot anger. He wanted to rush into the kitchen and pummel his brothers to get them to all shut up. He was tired of hearing only about the funeral and what good people his parent were. Sometimes he wished he could forget everything about them. He loved them with all his heart which was why he felt like he was bleeding out. Maybe it would be better to not love so strongly or deeply. People left, with only a broken heart to show for you love. What was the point of family, if all it brought was pain?
He heard, over the blood pounding in his ears, his immediate younger brothers entering the kitchen. They were babbling on about new pets a neighbor had brought over.
He felt a shadow fall over him. He had taken great effort to avoid his next older brother. Crane had a gentle understanding way about him. He didn't demand anything but he always got Daniel to talk without even trying. Daniel didn't know what he was feeling let alone how to articulate it. He had been trying to figure it out on his own before he dare try to verbalize it.
He turned away from his brother, refusing to even acknowledge his presence. Once he spoke about it, it would be real. There would be no going back. They would be dead, forever. No amount of dreaming, wishing or denial could change that.
Crane didn't say a word. The older boy just laid something soft and warm into his struggling little brother's arms. He left without saying anything.
Daniel looked down to find a gray and white rabbit staring back at him. It sat within his grasp without a single struggle. It didn't make a sound, neither did the boy. He unclenched his balled-up fist to tentatively stroke the soft fur. The little animal stood up on its back legs leaning its front paws against the heaving chest. He cradled the bunny against his shoulder before turning his face into its side.
His tears were quickly soaked up by the rabbit's fur. Daniel's body no longer shook in rage instead with sobs.