Ok guys I apologize in advance for the lack of sexy spicy fun times in this chapter. But I have to admit it's one of my favourites due to how raw and emotional it is - because of course, this is the day Paris died. I will mention there's a tiny, fleeting reference to past self-harm towards the end. But if you're reading this then you've probably also read Bloodline and it's nothing that hasn't already been touched on.

This is another rewrite of a preexisting chapter from Bloodline. I've stripped away all the narration (which was Mika's POV) leaving only the raw dialogue, and wrote an entirely new narration from Renley's POV.

I love getting in Mika's head and trashing the place, and it's fun to write what that looks like from an outsider's perspective. I enjoy the challenge of balancing Mika's canonically stoic personality with the fact that sometimes you DO have to feel your feelings, no matter how inconvenient it is.

Chapter 4: I Hold You Up Above Everyone

Song: Good To You by Mariana's Trench

Everyone's around

No words are coming now

And I can't find my breath.

Can we just say the rest with no sound?

Renley would never admit it, because there was no good way to phrase it without sounding a little fucked up. But the hard truth was that he realized he was in love with Mika the night Paris Skyle died.

The news about Paris broke throughout the mountain and as sad as it was, the overall atmosphere seemed to be more celebratory than melancholy. Which was par for the course among the vampire clan. Even in death may you be triumphant, and all that. Both Paris's life and death were what every vampire dreamed of, so there wasn't a lot to mourn. But that day Renley didn't have a spare thought for Paris. All he could think about was Mika. He knew Mika had spent the past few years navigating some heavy personal shit, while carrying the backbreaking weight of responsibility that came with being a Prince. During a war, no less. And now his lifelong father figure was dead.

Being a high-ranking General, Renley's plate filled up quickly that day. He couldn't just rush off to the Hall of Princes to check on Mika, and even if he could, he knew in his heart of hearts it wasn't his place and Mika probably wouldn't even want him there. It's true that Mika likes attention - just not the kind where people worry about him. And as Renley had to keep reminding himself, Mika was not his significant other. They were friends with benefits. Plain and simple. Easy breezy.

But Renley reached out telepathically to express some polite condolences, because that's what friends do. And basically, it went like:

RA: I heard. I'm so sorry. Can I do anything? [1:46 am]

MVL: [Read at 1:47 am]

Radio silence.

Renley didn't know what he'd been expecting. He did know he hadn't planned on spending the next however many hours consumed by worry until he finally had time to visit the Hall of Princes in person. He even made a gift basket, for fuck's sakes. What kind of self-respecting vampire does that?

And when he arrived in the Hall, Mika was just sitting there. Looking a little sad, but overall cool as a cucumber. He was zoned in on the piece of paper in his hand, he seemed to be making notes or something. Luckily, the Hall was empty.

"Charna's Guts!" Mika muttered, jolting in surprise when Renley approached him. "Where the fuck did you come from?"

"I tried to contact you as soon as I heard about Sire Skyle." Said Renley. "You blocked me out. I was worried."

"I didn't block you out. Just been a little busy." Mika shot back. More defensively than Renley felt was necessary, but he didn't react to the less-than-warm welcome.

"That's alright. I just came to see how you were doing. Are you okay?"

"I'm tired of being asked if I'm okay. But I'm managing."

"I know you don't like to talk about these things. At least, not with me... and that's your business." Said Renley cautiously. "But I'm just saying you could. If you wanted to."

Mika set down his pencil, and neatly folded up the piece of paper and tucked it into his pocket. Then he crossed his arms and leaned back in his throne, fixing Renley with a look of indifference that bordered on defiance.

"I appreciate the concern. Honestly." Said Mika frankly. "But I already did the emotions thing. Like, hours ago. And I'm much too busy to go for round two. So thank you, but this isn't part of our arrangement. You're free to go."

"Mika... come on." Said Renley. "Nobody can process such a big loss that quickly. Not even you."

"Don't underestimate my trainwreck of a brain." Mika deadpanned. His expression didn't change.

So he was utilizing self-deprecating snark as his defence mechanism of choice today? Fine. Renley could play that game all day long.

"Hide under that bitchy sarcasm all you want." Renley snapped without thinking. "If showing you some basic compassion is wrong, then have your guards arrest me. Call them right now. I'll wait."

"Ren, I didn't mean-" Mika groaned. He suddenly looked apologetic; now he was backpedaling but Renley decided he wasn't having it.

"Listen, I'm not an idiot. I know what we are. I know you don't give a single, solitary fuck about me." Said Renley, with more venom than he intended. But it served its purpose. Mika's face fell, and Renley felt a twinge of satisfaction. He hadn't meant to touch that nerve, but clearly he had anyway.

"That's not true. I give two or three fucks about you. Maybe four on a good day, like when you do that thing with your tongue I like." Said Mika.

"Which thing?" Renley inquired offhandedly.

"You know exactly which thing."

"You're right, I do." Renley cracked a wry grin. Then he glanced down at the box in his hands and decided it was now or never. "Anyway, I tried to get this to you hours ago. I was in charge of a training session in the Hall of Rush Flon'x and I couldn't cancel. So I gave it to a guard to send up to you. Then he got reassigned by Seba and by the time I caught up with him he hadn't had a chance to deliver it. I guess if you want something done right you have to do it yourself."

Renley handed the box to Mika, who took it gingerly, suspiciously. As though he was certain Renley put something truly awful in there, like a live bomb, or a tarantula, or a cup of decaf.

But then Mika actually smiled sincerely as he examined the contents of the box, almost disbelievingly. Renley felt a swell of pride. And maybe a little bit of smugness.

Mika picked up the note first:

Mika -

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine how you're feeling. I know this won't help much, but worth a try. Just a few little things to help get you through the day: A strong drink, because I'm sure you could use one. A snack, because you need that more than the drink. And this rock I found on the floor because it reminded me of you.

I know you'll want your space. But if you let me, I'll be there.

X, R.A.

The little bottle of fancy whiskey was a treat Renley had picked up for himself last time he'd been travelling but never got around to opening it. And that worked out well, considering Mika was a bit of a whiskey aficionado. Then there were the raspberries. The kitchen staff had just gotten their first shipment of fresh fruit in months, and it took no small amount of bullying, bribery, and flirting on Renley's part to convince the food storage supervisor to part with a basket of the juicy red berries. The funny thing was, if they'd known it was for Mika they wouldn't have hesitated to hand them over. But Mika was heavily invested in keeping this thing private. So Renley respected that by not giving anyone a reason to believe there might be something going on behind the scenes - not even the keeper of the raspberries.

Then there was the pebble. It seemed like a good idea at the time. But now it felt dumb.

Mika glanced up quizzically once he'd finished reading.

"Signed with a kiss? Really?"

"Shut up." Renley grunted. But Mika already seemed to be lowering his defences.

"I'm sorry, Ren." He said. The front of defensive impatience was dropping - now he sounded genuine. "This is literally the nicest thing anyone's done for me this decade."

"Sad if true." Said Renley, arching an eyebrow.

"I mean it. Thank you."

"You're welcome."

Mika nodded, and proceeded to pop the top off the bottle of whiskey and polish off more in one gulp than Renley thought should have been possible - and Renley knew his way around hard liquor.

"Straight out of the bottle, huh? You truly are a class act."

"Well, you didn't include a glass." Said Mika as he casually tossed the pebble into the air and caught it repeatedly with catlike reflexes. "Also, I really need to know. What about this rock reminded you of me?"

"It's dark and tough, and sort of abrasive if you rub it the wrong way. But if you look at it from just the right angle... it's got this shine to it." Renley explained reluctantly, knowing full well he sounded like a moron and his face was reddening. But he couldn't take it back now.

Mika appeared to process that for a moment, but his lips twitched.

"So what you're saying is I'm only attractive from certain angles?" He inquired matter-of-factly.

You're really gonna make me spell it out for you?

"No, you vain prick." Renley groaned. "I'm trying to tell you that as soon as I heard about Paris, all I could think about was if you were alright. Then you ignored my message. And I couldn't focus on anything else, to the point where even that stupid fucking rock made me think of you." He paused to take a breath, expecting Mika to jump down his throat with another snark-laced comment but he was just staring back, as though dumbstruck. For once.

"Yet here you are, cracking your dark little jokes and acting like everything's normal even though you're... you're devastated! I can see it in your eyes!" Renley continued, voice growing louder, fuelled by the way Mika actually looked taken aback. "Gods, I just want to help you! But you won't let me, because you're too damn stubborn to let anyone in!" By the time he was finished, Renley was practically yelling and he couldn't help but throw his hands into the air in exasperation. Mika observed him with mild curiosity, as though trying to gauge whether or not Renley was done with his rant.

"Can you blame me?" Mika asked, each word measured and precise. He held Renley's gaze, steely eyes impassive and calculating. Then Renley exhaled. No, he didn't blame Mika for having colossal trust issues. His gods-awful emotional management (or lack thereof) though? That was all him.

"I don't know. I don't know what to tell you." Renley murmured, feeling his voice crack and hating himself for it. What the fuck was he even doing here?

"I don't need you to tell me anything." Said Mika.

Renley threw his arms up once again, because Mika was acting as if someone giving half a fuck about his well-being was totally out of line. But it didn't occur to Renley to leave. He sat down wearily upon the top stair of the throne platform, his back facing Mika and face buried in his hands.

And I know this isn't enough,

I still don't measure up

And I'm not prepared;

Sorry is never there when you need it

He heard Mika sigh, but then for whatever reason he wandered over to sit down beside Renley. Just close enough for their shoulders to brush together.

"I'll be fine, Ren." Said Mika, almost patronizingly. "Trust me. He told me I would be - so I have to believe it's true."

Renley shot Mika a pointed look. It was hard not to also roll his eyes. Of course Paris would say that; he wasn't the one who was going to be around to deal with the fallout. Lucky bastard.

"I hope he knew what he was talking about." Said Renley.

"Guess we'll see." Said Mika, then he softened. "But in case he's wrong, at least you're here. And you can say you told me so. Deal?"

"You're only saying that because I brought you liquor."

Mika shrugged, but Renley saw his lips twitch with the threat of a smile.

"I liked the rock too." Mika admitted after a slight hesitation.

Renley let out a halfhearted laugh, and decided to call that a win for now. He slipped his arm around Mika, his hand moving in lazy circles across Mika's back, lingering on every well-defined curve of muscle he'd come to be so familiar with. And whether he'd admit it or not, Mika was a sucker for a back rub. It took a minute, but soon his head was resting on Renley's shoulder.

After a few minutes of peace, Mika tensed up out of nowhere and began to pull away.

"You good?" Renley asked cautiously. It was rhetorical, of course. But nevertheless, Mika nodded and muttered a half-assed affirmation, even as his breathing was becoming shallow and uneven.

"Hey, hey... Mika, talk to me. Come on."

And finally, he shattered like glass.

"Oh, shit... I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." said Renley quickly. "It's okay, come here-"

"Fuck off... don't touch me. Just leave." Mika croaked out as sobs wracked his body. He jerked away from the embrace he'd seemed so comfortable in until now, leaving several feet of space between them. Mika was trying so hard to pull himself back together, but he was fighting a losing battle.

"That's not happening." Said Renley, steeled by a grim resolve. "Like I said: you want me gone, you call the guards to drag me out. Otherwise I'm staying right here."

Mika swore under his breath, but was in no shape to fight about it. Renley knew Mika hated this, how any display of vulnerability in the presence of a colleague - or worse, his fuck buddy - was Mika's definition of a worst-case scenario.

"You are allowed to just be sad. Bet no one's ever told you that before." Said Renley. He cautiously reached out to put his hand on Mika's shoulder. This was quickly moving into redline panic territory. "You should close the hall doors before someone else walks in here to bother you." Renley added. "Take the rest of the night off. You don't owe anyone anyth-"

"I'm fine!" Mika cut him off viciously, as if the absurdity of Renley's suggestion gave him strength to form two coherent words in a row.

"Mmhmm. Right. Because this is what fine looks like." Said Renley, with just the right blend of sympathy and sarcasm - the latter being Mika's native tongue.

But Mika was no idiot, and when Renley stood up and offered his hand, Mika begrudgingly accepted it and allowed Renley to pull him to his feet. Still holding Mika's hand, Renley nudged him back over to his throne and gently pressed Mika's palm into the control panel on the arm rest. Finally, the Hall of Princes was sealed off from the rest of the world. No one else would come in or out unless Mika wanted them to.

Renley sat down on the floor, using the side of Mika's throne as a backrest. Sitting on the floor felt a little stupid, but he knew better than to try to sit in one of the iconic wooden chairs. He assumed Mika would take his usual seat, though. For a second Mika stood there, looking shellshocked. He stared at his throne as though he had no idea what he was supposed to do with it.

Then he seemed to crumble from within, and sunk back to the floor where he'd started - in Renley's arms. And he just cried.

"Shhhh. This'll pass. Just breathe. I'm going to be so fucking pissed if you asphyxiate yourself to death." Renley murmured as he slowly thumbed tears from Mika's cheekbones. The soothing cadence of his voice didn't match the offhanded words he was saying. "There's no witnesses, so everyone would think I killed you. It'd be bad for my career."

Eventually, exhaustion won over. Mika's eyelids drifted shut as his head came to rest in Renley's lap. And only when Mika finally relaxed did Renley realize how tense his own body had been, and that his own heart was working overtime. With his fingers still stroking Mika's hair, Renley also closed his eyes.

And I do want you to know

I'll hold you up above everyone

And I do want you to know

I think you'd be good to me

And I'd be so good to you

Renley had almost fallen asleep sitting upright when Mika's voice broke the silence.

"This... this is why we don't talk about feelings, Ren."

Renley glanced down in alarm. He was certain Mika had fallen asleep. But he was awake as ever, disoriented but resigned. And Renley got the distinct impression he was steeling himself to get up and go back to work as though nothing had happened. Like he needed to make up for the minutes of his valuable time he'd regrettably wasted processing an emotion.

Yes. Tell me all about how well that's been working for you. Renley thought. He just sighed and continued stroking Mika's hair. He had to assume Mika was finding some comfort in his touch, otherwise he undoubtedly would've had something to say about it.

"What do you need? Want me to find Seba? Or a medic?" Renley asked seriously.

Mika just laughed, harsh and hollow. A chillingly swift recovery from the heart-wrenching cries of earlier.

"A medic? What, to formally diagnose me as sad?" He snorted.

"I don't know fucking know, Mika. I'm trying here, okay?"

"You know you can tap out whenever you want. I won't hold it against you." Mika replied. His voice was strained but disturbingly steady. "Actually I envy you, I'd love to opt out of putting up with myself." He added, as though it was a throwaway comment that wasn't meant to carry weight. And that statement broke Renley's entire heart so thoroughly, it was a few moments before he could produce a coherent response.

"You know... For such a cocky son of a bitch... you really, really hate yourself." He choked out at last, feeling a tremor in his voice. But he didn't care. Mika needed to hear this.

"Pardon you?" Mika practically snarled, sitting up. The two of them were at eye-level now, Mika's teeth bared slightly in anger and despite his exhaustion, there was still danger in his stormy eyes. Kind of a permanent feature. But Renley stood his ground. He'd come this far, right?

"You heard me." Renley replied fiercely. He didn't take his eyes off Mika's for even a millisecond. "What went wrong in your brain to make you feel like you don't even deserve the bare minimum on one of the hardest days of your life?"

"Listen, you know full well I don't want a boyfriend, or a therapist." Mika hissed. Renley wasn't surprised he ignored the question. "I've been nothing but clear about that. And currently you're acting like both. And if you want to stay in my life-"

"Believe it or not, I don't want to be either!" Renley interrupted without thinking, patience leaving his body for a moment. "You're a top-tier lay, Mika. Best I've ever had, and I've had a lot -"

"So have I. You crack the top five for sure." was Mika's snide contribution. Renley's temper flared.

"Oh, would you shut the fuck up?" He shot back, hearing a whine in his own voice and hating it. "I know you think I'm secretly hoping you'll fall in love with me, but you're wrong. I thoroughly enjoy getting to lay you down every night with no strings attached. I wouldn't change a single thing between us. But that doesn't mean I can turn a blind eye to you falling apart on the fucking floor. It's not that simple."

"You know I could just order you to leave this room, and you'd have no choice." Said Mika. Renley could tell he was trying to sound ominous, but was too worn out to commit all the way.

"You're right, Sire." Renley growled, drawing out the latter syllable to drive his point home. "So why haven't you? Hmm?"

Mika uttered a soft but very sincere groan of frustration.

"Where's your snarky comeback?" Renley pressed, arching an eyebrow and cocking his head expectantly. Mika seemed to sway a little as stared back, and Renley was intuitive enough to know where to draw the line.

"Give me a minute. I'm tired." Mika sighed at last.

"I'm not trying to ruin your day any more than it already has been. But think about what I said, okay?" Renley told him, softening his voice again. He reached for Mika's hand, but wasn't surprised when Mika pulled back.

"Sure won't." Mika snapped.

"Fine. Be like that."

I thought I saw a sign

Somewhere between the lines

But maybe it's me

Maybe I only see what I want

Mika shot him a final, defiant glare then looked away for a moment or two. Renley shrugged and occupied himself by picking the dirt from under his nails for a few minutes. When he glanced back up, Mika's eyes seemed to be focused on Paris's permanently vacated throne. There was a detached look on his face that suggested he'd only just begun grasping the scope of this loss. He didn't look like a ruler who lost a colleague. He looked like a kid who lost a parent, and had no idea what was coming next. Renley drew breath to say something kind, but to his complete surprise, Mika beat him to the punch:

"I'm glad you're here, Ren. I should've just left it at that. Sorry." He murmured, so quietly Renley didn't trust his own ears for a minute. His own mind felt like it had whiplash from Mika's abrupt emotional shifts. He could only imagine what that felt like on Mika's end. Renley blinked furiously and rolled his eyes, hoping the movement would somehow resorb the moisture that was forming in them.

"Just come here." He whispered at last, voice weak with relief and exasperation. He smiled and held his arms out, and Mika slowly eased into them once more. This time he stayed there.

They remained sitting on the floor. Renley propped himself up against the side of Mika's throne, using it as a backrest so Mika could lean his full weight comfortably into him. When Mika shivered, Renley peeled off his jacket and tucked it around him. He could've sworn he felt Mika exhale an appreciative little sigh, and snuggle in even closer. But then again, it had been a long day so perhaps he was just imagining things. Because that didn't sound like something Mika would do.

"Tell me about Paris." Renley ventured after a while.

"You knew Paris. You saw him more than most of our current Generals." Mika replied, voice sleepy and muffled.

"Everyone knows the Princes have to act a certain way in the public eye. Most of us never get the full picture. Can't blame you for wanting to maintain your images and all that. I just find it interesting." Renley explained, smiling. More than anything he just wanted to give Mika a distraction, pull him out of his own head. "You're a prime example: picture-perfect Prince while you're in that throne, and an utter disaster off-duty. But you keep up appearances well, I really thought you had your shit together until I got to know you better these last few months." He added, keeping his voice light and teasing.

"Not true. Sometimes I'm a disaster on duty too." Mika mumbled sardonically.

"What I'm getting at is that I want to hear about Paris as you knew him. Not how the clan saw him."

"Where do I begin?"

"The beginning. I'm not going anywhere."

"Fine, I met Paris in a tavern when I was sixteen. I'd just run away from my obscenely wealthy but emotionally neglectful family-"

"Oh my gods. Of course. Everything about you suddenly makes complete sense!" Renley laughed, unable to help himself. And Mika did too. It was weak and hoarse, but an attempt at a laugh all the same. Then he swatted Renley's leg teasingly and Renley felt an unprecedented rush of affection.

Then Mika talked about Paris, and Renley hung onto every word. It was clear that Mika had enough material to fill several days, and even his attempts at abridging his Paris stories left few details out. He spoke of his old mentor with such reverential fondness that Renley felt a pang of sympathy all over again. Mika wasn't angry or disappointed that Paris had up and died after a life well-fulfilled. Paris's absence simply left an empty space so vast, it would take time for Mika to learn how to co-exist with it.

And I still have your letter

Just got caught between

Someone I just invented

Who I really am and who

I've become

Mika paused at one point and fell silent for a few minutes. He seemed close to drifting off again.

"You wanna go to bed?" Renley asked gently.

"Can't leave this room til Vancha or Arrow gets here, remember?" Mika mumbled, not opening his eyes.

"No shit. I mean the spare coffin in the meeting room."

"Don't like that coffin."

"So, what? You're just gonna lay on the floor and use me as a pillow?"

"If you have somewhere else to be, feel free to head out."

"For the last fucking time, I'm not going anywhere."

"Ren, I'll be fine. I swear."

"No offence, but your track record with that statement is abysmal. You have no business being on your own right now. I'm not going to ask, and you don't have to tell me - but those scars on your arm are in plain view right now. So maybe don't act like I'm out of line for being a little concerned about you."

Mika tensed, and Renley winced internally. That had been a stupid thing to say.

"It's not what you think, and it's not like when Kurda left." Mika muttered, voice cracking. "I'm not..." Pause. Deep breath. "I'm better now."

"I didn't know you very well back then, so I'll take your word for it." Said Renley. He kept his voice soft and even, and held on a little tighter. "But just for today... the safest place in the world for you is here with me. You don't have to like it, but it's true."

Mika sighed again, but didn't protest.

Renley had one more thing on his mind, though. And if he didn't say it now, he never would. And he wanted Mika to know it before the moment passed.

"Mika?"

"Charna's fucking guts, what now?"

"I just wanted you to know, from one friend to another -"

"Can't wait to see where this is going."

"Seeing you go through all this... I kind of hate it, if I'm being honest."

"Wow. How inconsiderate of me to ruin YOUR night with the feelings YOU told me I was repressing." Said Mika sardonically. "You're a shitty fake therapist. Now I'm really glad you're not also my fake boyfriend."

"Does that make me your real boyfriend?"

"In your dreams, General."

"Wow. I was going to tell you I've grown to care about you a lot more than I originally planned. But never mind, you absolute pain in the ass. Now get some rest." Renley snorted, rolling his eyes as he ran his hand along Mika's back one last time. Then he leaned down and kissed Mika on the forehead. And within minutes, Mika finally fell asleep.

Renley was almost as worn-out as Mika, but he couldn't bring himself to close his eyes and drift off right away. If he went to sleep he wouldn't be able to savour the way Mika seemed to feel safe in his arms. The inexplicable amount of trust that had materialized, seemingly out of nowhere.

Tomorrow would come far too soon, and Mika would inevitably return to that throne. He'd seamlessly slip back into the role nobody could fill quite like he could, and be the unshakeable pillar of the clan he always was. He'd heal, and someday when he said he was fine, it would be the truth.

And when Renley eventually gathered the courage to put it all on the line and tell Mika he was accidentally, ridiculously in love with him, whether it was tomorrow, next week, or next year, that would be true too.

And I do want you to know

I'll hold you up above everyone

And I do want you to know

I think you'd be good to me

And I'd be so good to you