AN: Heya I'm back at it again with a chapter that I hope will suffice... I promise you, things will take off for real in the coming chapter 11, this one is much like chapter 8, just adding some context. I feel like I want to tell you guys so much but I don't know what. I guess I'm just happy for the progress of this story, I honestly didn't know I had it in me to keep this up for this long. And that it would have the traction that it did.
I'm a bit regretful about the pace though, I feel like I have been focusing on everything but Sasori and Hinata and their interaction, though they were kind of reunited in the last chapter. I will strive to rectify that though. Please do leave your lovely reviews and tell me what you think so far, it helps me out a lot, more than you realize.
I love you all!
LÄNGE HAR DOM ORMARNA FÅTT SLINGRA SIG, LÄNGE HAR DOM FÅTT KOMMA UNDAN.
Songs for this chapter: Ancient Dreams In A Modern Land by MARINA, Babylon by Lady Gaga, Heat by Eminem
Happy Reading! Xoxoxo
Chapter 10
Feeling like a used napkin
Humiliation?
Check.
Embarrassment?
Check.
Disconcertment?
Check.
The teenagers's thoughts swirled around in a disorderly circus, bouncing back and forth inside her cranium. She blinked a couple of times, feeling her mind spiraling away in an even deeper befuddlement.
"Did I do something wrong?" she whispered to herself, utterly bewildered and almost a bit scared.
All kinds of insecurities welled up in her heart, rising in her like a boiling kettle. She started to feel ashamed and even disgusted with herself. Had he been repelled by her? Had she done something wrong?
Smelling herself, she determined that even though she was a bit sweaty, she actually didn't smell of anything funky. Only of the coconut oil she'd showered with that morning, mixed with intimate heat and cinnamon.
Swallowing thickly, Hinata's insecurities started to flake like old paint on an even older wall. Falling away as it transmuted to an unbridled anger, surprising even herself with the ferocity of it. Hot, boiling anger, moving underneath her skin like ants.
"H-He's such a coward!" she practically snarled, pulling her underwear back on.
How could he just leave her like this, when she had been so vulnerable? Leaving her on the floor like she was dirt! Like she was nothing!
With her cheeks burning, the teenager hastily pulled the rest of her clothes on. She stood up, determined to not let this incident keep her from her original plan.
Stomping over to the door Sasori had first appeared in, she threw it open and entered the training facility. She needed to blow off steam and that she shall.
Upon entering the huge, rectangular room, the yellow lights lit themselves up upon her movements. She descencded the small staircase, her bare feet patting lightly on the concrete floor. Motion activating lamps, lit up her path and followed her steps, one by one from where they hung from the ceiling.
As she appeared at the bottom, she walked over to a wooden table.
Stationed alongside the walls at either side of her, were various punching bags, hanging on hooks and training dummies sprouting from the ground with red bullseye's at the center of their chests.
Hinata, still feeling the remnants of unresolved conflict in her body, walked over to one of the punching bags, furthest from the stairs and closest to the wall. A wall which was actually a big mirror, time-worn with scratches from flying weapons and rust on its edges.
The Hyuga gave her reflection a tight, tense smile that didn't reach her white eyes. Ivory orbs, looking like ice blocks, narrowing and widening as the snowy skin around them, uprooted itself into veins. Veins of muscles, seeming like the roots of a tree, aggrandizing her sight to barely any limits.
And so, she had to create her own limits, whether it was consciously or subconsciously. Even though the Hyuga's had an eyesight, capable of decoding their surroundings to extreme degrees, they still had the brain and the neuropatterns of a normal human being.
Thus, the Byakugan wielder had to focus their gaze in specific directions, as to not become scattered and overwhelmed by all the information their eyes had perfect, unlimited access to. The corners of a Hyuga's eyes were rather large ones and their peripheral vision had much to offer with only just a glance. Barely a glance.
So even if they were busy closely observing the depths of a lake, scanning through the waters, little would escape their attention. Whether it was happening behind them or beside them, at several meters length, they would swiftly pick up on it. No matter how engrossed they were in the study.
Though individual differences exist. For a young Hyuga that is easily distracted and prone to daydreaming, they might be just a tiny bit slow on picking up the small cues of their surroundings.
But their focus was unparalleled. Sometimes resulting in a semi-dissociation with the reality outside of their current point of attention. Disappearing into their x-ray observation, like the descent into a rabbit hole.
Such was the state Hinata often found herself in, more and more nowadays. Reality had developed an uncanny habit of overwhelming her, thus she elected to flee into her own mind's eye, using her physical eyes as tools.
In silence, the young Hyuga examined the glowing veins running through her body like a complex, yet simple, railway system. Taking some deep breaths, she imagined herself releasing the lingering anger with each exhale.
The chakra pathways, pulsed in a gentle blue light, simmering with energy that was in a constant movement. From one vein to another, it travelled alongside her blood, organically and naturally, deviating to form its own pathways.
She could see her organs, her beating heart, the outline of her skeleton, though it was all in the background, all in the peripheral vision. When she scanned her body like this, she always made a point to avoid looking at her intestines.
It freaked her out. So she tended to keep her focus on her chakra veins.
With each intake of air, she observed the neon-blue flow, directing her gaze to her lower abdomen and taking in the circular and spiraling energy current there. The epicenter of one's chakra, where it circled back and recharged itself. Always in motion, like the circle of life.
Hinata was only a month into her practice of extreme chakra control. Well… maybe extreme wasn't the right word for it, but she was avid in her exercise nonetheless. Punctual and disciplined to the point of checking in on her chakra at least twice a day.
Not to actually check her chakra for foreign influences, but rather to have something to control. Something she felt like she could have dominion over. It made her feel confident and safe in her own body. Grounded, in a sense.
It was her way of dealing with difficult emotions, particularly those of a lower vibration. Anger, envy, grief, loneliness and fear, were all soothed by this routine. The psychology behind it was pretty simple. When one is gripped by negativity, it is far too easy to feel overwhelmed.
After all, everyone has a need for control, as it is tightly connected to their sense of security. When you are steered by your emotions, you are not in control and therefore you are not secure.
Emotion is chaos.
So Hinata had learned to tune into her insides when that happened. To exercise her control over her chakra flow and use it as a mechanism to flush out those unwanted energies. It truly was a brilliant way to clear her mind.
Or to escape. Or most likely, both.
Kurenai had referred to it as some form of meditation. It was the raven haired, red eyed woman who had first pitched her the idea.
Way back in November, on a chilly afternoon, Hinata had arrived at her training session in a foul mood. Well, foul was an understatement. She was on edge, stressed and worried.
Obviously, because of her family.
Truly, that day had begun like any other day, the only difference was that their father was having breakfast alongside with them and that Neji-niisan wasn't there.
Her cousin had been away at a mission and she wondered even to this day, if anything would have been different had he been there.
Reiko-san was sick and so, they had a new servant, taking their orders. She remembered feeling awkward about it. When Reiko-san was there, she wasn't treated as a servant or even a maid. She was family to them.
Well of course she was, every branch member was technically their family. But they were not treated as such.
Reiko-san however, had turned into some sort of a mother-figure, at least to herself, Hanabi and Neji-niisan. But even so, she had never seen Hiashi treat Reiko with anything less than respect.
Or at least with as much respect that could possibly be mustered from someone like her father. For obvious reasons, she couldn't quite hold him to the same standards as she would with anyone else.
Either way, she had walked into the lounge and greeted her sister and father, taking a seat at the furthest corner away from them. Hanabi greeted her back but Hiashi only gave her a nod, not looking away from his paper.
It was as it should be and she started buttering her toast.
That's when the branch member stepped inside, coming directly from the kitchen. Usually they had their breakfast inside the kitchen but now, they had it in the finer lounge outside of it. Though it was only because of Hiashi's presence.
Him and his standards…
She didn't know the servant's name but he seemed young. Somewhere around the same age as herself, dressed in a simple white shirt, grey pants and brown sandals.
Straight, chestnut strands going down to his shoulders, he was actually rather handsome. If one didn't look at his curse mark. That ugly tattoo left a foul taste in her mouth and she drastically looked away from the branch member who was carrying a tray of newly prepared coffee.
That's when all hell broke loose.
In the peripheral vision, she saw him trip. She doesn't know why, or how, just that he did and subsequently, the hot coffee toppled over with him. He yelled out as he lost his balance, trying to save the beverages at the last second but it was too late.
She silently gasped as her father turned to scene and dropped his paper, obviously alarmed at the sound of the servant shouting in his ear. He was met with a pot of steaming, hot coffee, splashing all over his face and shoulder.
Theoretically speaking, this would have been funny to behold. But at the moment, there was nothing funny about the situation, for what followed was nearly traumatizing.
Hiashi screamed at the top of his lungs and flew out of his seat, the chair toppling over behind him with a loud bang. His skin was reddened, stained with coffee and already developing burns. She had never seen her proud, stoic father in such a state.
The servant became utterly petrified and mute, staring in absolute horror at what he'd done. Her and Hanabi just sat glued to their chairs, witnessing the whole thing. Hiashi made some quick, inconceivable hand signs and a sudden wave of water, splashed over him.
She gasped at the scene, eyes wide like the plates on the table. She never knew her father could literally manifest water like that!
Only those extremely skilled with the water-bending jutsus could pull off something like that. Usually ninjas had to have a source of water nearby to manipulate the element… This kind of water manifestation was practically unheard of.
Astonishment turned to shock and horror in an instant though…
Snarling and spitting, her drenched father took one murderous look at the poor servant, who was already on his knees begging and pleading for his forgiveness. Mercilessly, unforgivingly, Hiashi raised his right hand.
Two fingers straight up, her father's byakugan activated itself as he unsealed the curse seal.
What followed was the most horrific scene she had ever seen, or heard. It was torture, pure torture. The branch members' eyes turned wide like saucers, bulging veins uprooting themselves around them. Their edges turned pink and red as they leaked tears.
He writhed in pain on the ground, trembling as if he was being brutally electrocuted. The most excruciating noise filled the lounge. The sound of his screams, dreadful screams that made her insides rattle.
It was the sort of screech you would expect coming from a wounded animal rather than a man.
It seemed as if he was trying to form words, but only drawn-out moans of despair could be heard. He had blood on the corners of his mouth, he must have bitten his tongue somewhere…
The screams intensified and he started to sound less and less like a human.
Hinata sprung up from her stool and ran over to Hanabi. Hanabi who just stared in horror, it seemed like she couldn't look away from the scene. The servant clawed at his head and face, tearing the skin apart as he rolled around in his own sweat.
Hinata didn't know what to do. With chakra in her arms, she picked up her petrified sister and carried her away, running past Hiashi, out of the lounge. The torturous screech of the servant followed them and seemed to echo in their wake.
She took her to Reiko-san, who although she was sick, still welcomed the crying Hanabi with open arms.
Now she paced back and forth in the candle-lit modest room of her maid. Tears of her own threatened to spill forth from her eyes, though her anger held them back.
"H-How could he do such a thing!? Right in front of us? Hanabi's only 10 years old for heaven's sake! It's cruel, it's inhumane, it's-"
"Hinata-sama please," blurted Reiko-san out, casting a forlorn look at Hanabi.
Hanabi, who was still crying, sat huddled up in the arms of the older woman.
Right... of course.
Her explosive rants probably did little to comfort her weeping sister. It must have only made it worse. She bit her lip and nodded, crossing her arms.
She watched with a lump in throat as Reiko-san hushed Hanabi and rocked her back and forth. The older woman's long dark locks were tangled in all angles as she'd been in bed just moments prior. The fabric of her nightgown looked like a crumpled sheet of paper, just as white as her sickly skin.
"I'm sorry for barging in like this. I know you are not well…" sighed Hinata, feeling even more guilt well up in her heart as she watched the faint outline of sweat drops on Reiko-san's brow.
Reiko-san gave her a warm smile, her tired eyes softening like cotton.
"Oh don't be, my lady. I would rather have you come here than anywhere else."
She pulled her grey cardigan over the small shoulders of Hanabi, enveloping her in an even deeper embrace.
The lump in her throat grew to immeasurable levels as she observed the curse mark on her forehead. A bright pink, ugly scar against her pallid complexion.
For some reason, it felt like someone had driven a stake through her heart.
"Please don't call me that. Just call me Hinata."
Over the course of that damned day, the stake in her heart buried itself even deeper as she contemplated the events of the morning. She was rammed with grief and guilt, which then turned into resentment and rage.
It boiled under her skin and as she arrived at her training session, it was so prevalent that it could be plainly seen on her face.
She had defended herself when Kurenai pointed it out. Luckily, Shino and Kiba hadn't arrived yet. She was early.
"Isn't anger a great motivator?" she had blurted out, her white eyes hard like two icicles.
Kurenai regarded her with something close to pity in her ruby-red eyes. She shook her head with a deep sigh.
"So, I suppose you don't want to talk about it then…"
Hinata shook her head, muttering a small: "No".
She was much too ashamed to even get into it. She didn't want to tell anyone that her father was a psychopath. She didn't want to say it out loud.
She didn't want to admit the vast majority of her clan, of her relatives, were nothing but slaves trapped in a horrific system they had been taught to accept and uphold.
She didn't want to entertain the idea that one day, her sister would bear the curse mark as well, all for her own usage- No.
Hinata would sooner die before that happened. She had long since decided to never collect her inheritance and the incident that morning only added fuel to that determination. Hanabi's forehead would be free of any monstrous marks, she would make sure of it.
Kurenai pushed her lean body off the wall. They were training inside today, having gained access to the same facility the Chunin exams had once been held in.
Her teacher calmly walked up to her, adjusting the sleeves of her tunic. Dressed casually in training gear, black on black.
"It's true that anger is a great motivator, but it is not a stable solution, nor a long-lasting one," she said, pulling her thick hair back in a messy ponytail. "If you strike someone out of anger or spite, you will most likely have too many openings and weaknesses in your attack. That's because you're not thinking clearly, you're thinking with your emotions rather than with your brain. You are impulsive, rather than precise."
She could still remember how cut and dry her tone had been, how serious she looked. Hinata knew she was right but she still wanted her to elaborate.
"Can't you train yourself to control your emotions?" she asked, feeling her stomach churn and growl.
She hadn't finished her breakfast… for obvious reasons.
Kurenai looked like she wanted to chuckle at that but she only smiled at the teenager.
"No," she began, "You can only learn how to handle them, through different coping mechanisms of course. Something that I usually do, is to first acknowledge them. You know, feeling them to the fullest extend but choosing to not react. In that way, you are not running away from your feelings, instead you're simply just accepting them. By doing that, you are also separating yourself from your feelings, you become the observer and not the overly involved judge, so to say."
The Hyuga blinked up at her, pulling her own hair back into a ponytail. Now she knew why she knew she was right… It made perfect sense!
"The more you expose yourself to something, the less of a threat it becomes," she slowly uttered, piecing it together in her brain.
Kurenai gave her smack on her shoulder, red lips grinning down at her.
"Exactly! And with time and practice, you will be adept enough to find that you are not so easily triggered anymore."
Hinata nodded at that, yet she gnawed on her lip and creased her brows. She actually didn't know if she had it in her to sit with her emotions like that. Most of them were so… chaotic and confusing. Some of them felt foreign to her, almost misplaced in some way.
"Is there a shortcut?" she blurted out, searching Kurenai's face, "I mean to- to get some semblance of control back…"
The older woman looked at her with a glimpse of concern on her face, albeit the caring sort and not the snooping one.
"There is no shortcut but if you feel the need to have some sort of control over an aspect of yourself, I would combine the observational practice with something that can fill that need. I would suggest practicing chakra control, after all you have the perfect eyes for it. With your byakugan, you can keenly watch the veins and become more invested that way," she chirped with a wide smile, patting her head as a comfort.
She used to do that a lot when she was smaller but it crept back from time to time.
"I call it meditation. It would do you some good, I can guarantee it."
And good it did her.
But she had to admit that the observational practice was the hardest part. Her chakra control became more and more sophisticated and nowadays, it came naturally to her. But analysing her feelings? Allowing them to run free, feeding her paranoid thoughts? None of that was easy and almost every time she ended up in tears.
Because it was pretty painful to deal with a pain she had smothered. And it was even more difficult to face the consequences of her neglect. Destructive patterns, recurring worries… and triggers.
Feeling sorry for herself was the worst part, it added onto the guilt.
There truly was an unresolved conflict inside of her, stemming from childhood and gnawing on her to this day, pulling her back in time almost. Most of it was tied to her family, her father. Of that she could understand. Even though she wasn't ready to truly, wholeheartedly face it for what it was.
So she would leave that in the dark, for now.
Instead Hinata decided to deal with something that was a tiny bit easier, something that didn't fill her with a compact fear, something that didn't make her feel like a victim. If anything, it just made her feel torn. Confused, scattered and unsure.
She could see him clearly in her mind's eye, handsome and familiar.
Sasori.
She clenched her jaw. Was she even capable of analysing something without overanalyzing it? She didn't have the answer to that one.
Her flashback ended, her contemplation of the past, pulling her back into the present.
She was deep underground, in the bunker she knew so well. The place that felt more like home to her than anything else.
The young Hyuga stared at her reflection, observing how she could increase the chakra flow in one arm and decrease it in another. Steered with her intention, she imagined dividing the energy up and channeling it into both of her arms, making her hands pulse in an azure light.
Sasori had done much for her. Saved her countless times, both in body and in spirit. He had raised her, given her gifts, played with her when she was small, tucking her into bed and telling her stories…
Her cheeks grew pink at the old, faded memories. They had a bittersweet aura to them. Sometimes, she wished she could stay in them forever, replaying them like a film.
A creeping warmth filled her up, making the chakra run through her in a more gentle current. Softer almost. She actually did feel softer on the inside.
He had been her protector and he still was. Yet now, his role in her life had drastically changed, transformed only just recently.
Maybe even evolved.
Despite all the good things he had brought into her life, she could still count on each hand all the times he had wronged her. The lies, the manipulation, the coldness, the mockery, the brutality, taking her for granted… and taking things from her without asking.
Not objects per say… though in the process, he'd made her feel like an object.
Being too rough with her…
Even now, she wasn't even sure if she was overreacting or not, but it still felt like something was jarringly wrong, disastrously so. But it was like being addicted to something she knew on some deep level, wasn't all that good for her.
Yet she was still addicted to it.
She took a deep, shaking breath, channeling more energy into her ball of chakra.
A scary thought suddenly slung itself through her mind, landing like a nuke.
What if he actually did leave her one day?
All at once, those corrosive feelings engulfed her again, wrapping around her like the possessive, rough arms of a stranger. At that moment, she almost felt like she was literally shrinking in size.
She could not be abandoned by him! She- She just couldn't.
The ball dissolved from her hands but her chakra stayed active, coursing through her veins with a newfound vigor.
She decided that the problems she had with Sasori were infinitesimal compared to the concept- No. The risk of him exiting her life altogether.
She looked at the intense blackhaired girl, staring back at her through the mirror.
She could sacrifice her boundaries if it increased her chances of staying with him for as long as humanly possible. The girl in the mirror shrugged her shoulders with a tense curl of her lips.
After all, it wasn't like she had decided on where to put them anyways...