Some more self-indulgent MikaRenley content to cleanse my mind after another exhausting chapter of Bloodline which I still have extremely chaotic feelings about. But this… I am happy with. Bloodline's one of those stories I say I'm writing for myself, but not-so-secretly I'm hoping other people get as hyped as I am. This one on the other hand, is purely for me. But like… I'm still gonna post it and stuff.

This is a completely new interaction that did not appear in Bloodline at all, taking place the day after Paris's death.

PS ~ I'm kind of horrendous at providing visual descriptions. I personally picture Renley as a hybrid of Josh Duhamel (like the dad from Love Simon) and also Timothy Olyphant but I can't actually make up my mind. And if you're new, in all of my AUs Mika looks like the Google image search results for "Luke Evans leather jacket". That's just how it is.

Part 5: (Sometimes I Don't Wanna) Be Happy

Song:Be Happy by Dixie, Blackbear, & Lil Mosey.

I don't wanna get up out of bed this season

All bad days, walk away, leave me bleedin'

It's fuck you and you

Fuck today, fuck this pain I been feelin'

Mika slept for hours in Renley's arms, right there on the floor in the Hall of Princes. He was groggy and disoriented as he eventually woke up, no doubt suffering a pounding headache after the amount of tears that were shed last night. It was painfully obvious Mika wasn't actually ready to put the mask back on, to go be tough for the crowd. That was the last thing he needed. What he needed was to go back to sleep, or maybe go eat something. But the thought never even crossed his mind. He simply got up, thanked Renley (awkwardly) for taking care of him, then opened up the Hall of Princes for another long day of doing what he did best. And he did it with such effortless grace, not a single other soul would've suspected he was completely crushed on the inside.

So no, it was never Mika's power that drew Renley in. It was that quiet, gritty, tenacity. The cold fire that blazed in his eyes every time he pushed aside his personal demons and steeled himself to bear the backbreaking responsibility of a Vampire Prince. The responsibility Renley dreamed of carrying alongside him some day.

Renley kept his distance the next day, to give Mika his space. Not to mention he had a hectic schedule himself. He slipped in and out when he could, though - usually armed with a snack or a drink. It seemed to help. Finally, the Hall of Princes emptied out after another long night of discussion and catching up. The mountain already felt overcrowded and there were still more vampires arriving by the hour. It was chaos, but all things considered Mika looked fairly content as he dismissed the room. Very tired, but content. Renley stayed behind, sitting on the front row of pews as the other vampires slowly filed out. Then to his surprise, Mika slowly made his way down from the throne platform to take a seat at Renley's side.

"You must've really wanted a change of scenery." Renley quipped as Mika sat down. "You know this is the peasant seating area, right?"

Mika chuckled quietly. They were sitting close enough that their shoulders brushed together.

"It's good to remember where you started." Mika said simply. Renley was surprised at the lack of sarcasm. "I logged a lot of years sitting up here watching Paris work, learning everything I could. One full day without him... and I feel like I didn't even scratch the surface in the entire time I knew him."

Renley placed his hand on Mika's leg, at the same moment Mika shifted a little closer to him.

"How are you feeling?" Renley ventured, his voice low and gentle.

Mika's shoulders shifted slightly, a hesitant shrug. But he tilted his head to glance at Renley, and there was a tranquility about him that hadn't been there a day ago.

"Better than yesterday." Said Mika. He sounded sincere. Although Mika was good at feigning sincerity, Renley could tell he meant it. And that was a relief, but still.

"That's a pretty low bar, Mika." Renley replied gently.

"Well, I got through the day without crying or drinking. I'll take whatever victories I can get." Said Mika, with a bitter ghost of a laugh. And even undercut with bitterness, that laugh still made Renley's heart skip. He nodded in agreement, and affectionately nudged Mika's shoulder with his own.

"You did good." Said Renley. "He'd be proud of you."

Mika took a deep breath and blinked a few times, and Renley winced. He shouldn't have brought Paris up. But then to his surprise, Mika was smiling when he met Renley's eyes again.

"That's all that really matters." Said Mika with weary vindication. "Listen, I'm really sorry I made my problems your problems last night. It was inappropriate of me."

"I'm sorry, what?" Renley snorted. "You practically schedule me to blow your back out every other night, but gods forbid I see you cry one time, when somebody died? That's where you draw the line?"

"Good to know you've been paying attention. Gold star for General Azerion." Mika remarked. Then shrugged with maddening calmness. Renley said nothing for a minute. He kept his palm resting on Mika's inner thigh as they sat side-by-side. It was clear Mika was done talking about that.

I've got the devil on my shoulder, heart is getting colder

But I keep to myself

Anxiety been creepin', staring at the ceiling

But I don't need your help 'cause

"What was it like, taking a throne so young?" Renley asked out of nowhere. He'd always wondered, and the way Mika was staring intently at the throne itself seemed like the perfect prompt.

Mika hummed thoughtfully for a second, his eyes still fixed on the front of the room. Then he tilted his head to glance at Renley.

"Insane." He said quietly. The way he said it coupled with the look in his eyes sent a shiver down Renley's spine.

"Good or bad?" Renley ventured.

Mika looked away from Renley once more, back up at the thrones.

"It was everything I ever wanted since the first time I walked into this room." He replied in the same tone of quiet introspection, as if he was talking to himself more than Renley. "I ran myself into the ground for decades working for it, til I finally had it all." He paused, a wistful smile on his lips. He stared up at the thrones for a moment more. Then the smile vanished as he glanced at Renley again, adding: "And I almost didn't survive my first year up there."

Renley's eyes widened in alarm.

"What? No way." He blurted out, without his usual measured eloquence. "Not you. You're one of the best, that's what everyone-"

"Everyone sees what I want them to see." Mika cut him off. "I was too young, honestly. I had no idea what I was getting into. All I knew was that I wanted it. So I acted the part until they gave it to me. Fuck, it didn't even go to a vote among the Generals - it was unanimous among the sitting Princes. Suddenly I was in. I'd convinced everyone I was ready."

"I don't understand. You make it look effortless. You're so good at everything. It's kind of obnoxious." Renley remarked. He tilted his body to face Mika, eyes widening in surprise.

"Yeah, almost a century later." Said Mika with a dark chuckle. "That first year felt like a nightmare I couldn't wake up from. I was a nervous wreck, doubted every single thing I did. I still don't understand it. I was so confident as a General. Probably too confident-"

"I know. I remember you as a General." Renley snorted. "You're not that much older than me."

"It was like... the second I sat down in that throne, all of it just went away. You think I hate myself now? It's nothing compared to back then. I felt like I didn't deserve to be there. Like I was a fake."

"That doesn't sound like you, Mika."

"I know it doesn't sound like me. That's what I'm trying to explain here. Six months in, I was drinking every day to numb it out. One year, and I just wanted it all to stop." Mika recounted. He laughed, soft and bitter again. "And nobody had a clue."

"So what changed?"

"Paris saved me." Said Mika, so quietly his voice was barely audible. But his face lit up with a faint smile. "I was sitting in here with him one night after everyone else had gone to bed, catching up on reports or something. He was about to leave, and then he congratulated me on making it through my first year as a Prince. I'd stopped keeping track, I had no idea it had been a full year. But he remembered the exact date and everything. He looked so happy... so proud of me. And then I finally lost it. Like last night. Maybe worse."

"Gods, Mika... that's... I don't know what to say."

Renley closed his eyes for a moment and signed. He'd spent more than half life envying Mika for his rapid rise to power and fame that seemed so uncomplicated before now. Watching Mika's every move, fascinated and intrigued. Trying to will the same thing into existence for himself. It never occurred to him that it wasn't as effortless as Mika let on.

"I'll never forget Paris's face when I finally snapped in front of him. He had no idea. He spent that whole year thinking I was the happiest I'd ever been - because that's what I wanted him to think." Mika added, with that same bitter ghost of a laugh.

"You sure had me fooled."

"The worst part was when he apologized to me, for being the one to nominate me in the first place. Like it was his fault. We're just lucky the door was closed, 'cause we both would've lost all credibility if anyone saw us that night. Fuck, what a mess."

"So how'd you go from that to this?" Renley asked quietly.

"He worked with me til I stopped second-guessing myself. And he made it look like I was helping him rather than the other way around, so nobody would ever doubt that I had things under control. He didn't want me to lose the respect I'd worked so hard for."

"That sounds like Paris. We were all lucky to have him."

"Fuck, you have no idea. By the time my second anniversary rolled around, I was well on my way to becoming the cocky fuck you know and love." Mika concluded. He shot Renley a thin smile, that signature attitude slowly beginning to shine through again.

Love? You have no idea. Renley thought to himself. But he shot Mika an affectionate smile that didn't nearly reveal the true depth of his feelings.

"I never would've guessed, knowing you now. I can't imagine how lonely that must have been." Renley murmured at last. He looked down and watched as Mika's hand slowly found its way into his, their fingers interlocking. Renley's breath caught in his throat. It was such a tiny, simple gesture of affection. But Mika initiated it.And that made it huge to Renley.

Sometimes I don't wanna be happy

Don't hold it against me

If I'm down, just leave me there

Let me be sad

Sometimes I just wanna be lonely

Don't need you to hold me

If I'm low, you don't need to care

Let me be sad

"I'm not telling you this for pity points. I think I maxed out on those last night anyway." Said Mika, gently tracing the side of Renley's hand with his thumb. "But I know you want to be up there someday. And you're good enough to get there - so I'm just telling you how it is."

"If I end up being half the Prince you are, I'll be proud of myself."

Mika laughed wearily, in a way that suggested Renley barely knew the tip of the iceberg.

"Trust me, Ren. You can aim higher than that. Don't settle."

The second Renley opened his mouth, Mika reached over to cover it with his hand.

"No." Said Mika with complete seriousness. "I can't handle a lecture on self-esteem right now. Remember last night when you told me I was allowed to be sad? Let me be sad. It's okay. I promise."

Renley huffed in defeat, and Mika withdrew his hand.

"Well then, can I sit here with you?" Renley asked, arching an eyebrow.

"Did you bring me a snack?"

"Regrettably not."

"That's pretty regrettable."

"If I left this room and came back with a snack, would you let me sit with you?"

"Depends on the snack."

Renley stood up, and Mika watched him in surprise.

"Where are you going?"

"To get you a snack."

Mika laughed. Gods, what a sound.

"Ren, I didn't actually mean-"

"I know you didn't. I'm getting you one anyway."

Mika stopped laughing and peered at Renley with utter confusion. As though someone going on a snack run on his behalf was currently the most buckwild thing going on in his life. He narrowed his eyes for a moment, and his mouth opened and closed like he was trying to find the words.

"You're really nice to me." Mika said at last. The way he said it made Renley pause again before walking away. There was uncertainty to it, as though it was a question disguised as an observation. But most heartbreakingly, there was surprise. Suspicion. Renley glanced over his shoulder and shot Mika a wry smile.

"I mean... I'm kind of just hoping you'll put out later. Sorry, thought that was implied." He informed Mika with mock-seriousness. Mika shrugged, but smiled.

"I'd do worse for less."

"So... will fuck for snacks? Is that what you're saying?" Renley called over his shoulder as he started walking again.

"Show me the snack, then we'll talk. This isn't my first negotiation."

This time Renley didn't fully turn around, because if Mika saw the smile on his face, he'd never take him seriously again.

Sometimes I be by myself 'cause it feel better

Sometimes my heart feel like snow, like it's cold weather

I know everyone fake, I just roll with it

So you can't come with me if you can't roll with it

This fame not what it seems

It bring bad bad energy

But

Renley came back half an hour later with something that could've passed for a charcuterie board, and he felt a smug sense of satisfaction at Mika's poorly concealed amazement. Renley had also slipped to his room to grab his chess set. He didn't know why he thought of it - something just told him it was a good idea.

"We do company game nights in here now? Did miss a memo?" Mika snorted as he watched Renley set the chess board up.

"Well, I thought staring into your eyes all night would get a little boring." Renley shot back. Mika arched an eyebrow.

"Maybe I want to be left alone so I can sleep. Did you ever think of that?"

"Of course I thought of it." Said Renley. "And I don't believe it for a second. I have a theory that you're secretly clingy as fuck, and in deep denial about it."

Mika threw a biscuit at his forehead. Renley caught it deftly, and looked Mika dead in the eye while he took a slow, almost sensual bite. Mika permitted himself to laugh.

"I assume you've played before?" Renley asked as he went about setting up the chess board. They were still sitting on the pew, bodies angled so they could see each other, with the chess board between them and the snack tray within reach.

"Nope." Said Mika decisively.

"Are you serious? Please tell me you're kidding."

"When would I play chess? I have a full-time job."

"I once witnessed you roll Arrow around the Hall of Khledon Lurt in a barrel for an hour and a half."

"Team building exercises are an important part of leadership. I don't have to defend myself to you." Said Mika very firmly. But Renley didn't miss the sparkle of amusement in his eyes.

"A true professional, you are." Said Renley.

"Show me how to play if it's that important to you."

"Oh, I will." Renley agreed, grinning wickedly. "What colour do you want?"

Mika looked down at the array of black and white pieces, and back up at Renley with great incredulity.

"...You're seriously asking me that? Me?"

Renley rolled his eyes and began setting up the black pieces on Mika's side of the board, and the chess lesson began.

By the time Renley figured out Mika was a dirty liar and he knew exactly what he was doing, it was too late. Mika annihilated him. Smoked his ass. Ate him for breakfast. Hung him out to dry. If it was anyone else, Renley might've caught on sooner. But he was preoccupied with the way Mika kept biting his lip and tilting his head with the most endearingly perplexed expression on his face. He had no business being that adorable.

That didn't last, though.

"You lying, cheating, manipulative bastard." Renley addressed Mika through gritted teeth once his fate was sealed. "You played me!"

"If you really believed I never played chess before, you deserved it." Said Mika unsympathetically, sitting back and crossing his arms.

"Wipe that smug look off your face." Renley growled. "I was being gentle for your alleged first time. We're going again, and this time I'm not holding back. I don't care if you're sad. I'm going to destroy you."

The way Mika grinned fiercely back at him made Renley feel like his heart was exploding. He felt like an entire idiot, actually. But he didn't care. Because even now, as Mika was coasting through one of the lowest points of his life, he was slowly letting Renley into his universe. In his own cryptic way, of course. But clearly Renley's gentle persistence meant something to Mika. And the sight of Mika's barbed-wire walls slowly coming down meant everything to Renley.

Sometimes I don't wanna be happy

Don't hold it against me

If I'm down, just leave me there

Let me be sad

Sometimes I just wanna be lonely

Don't need you to hold me

If I'm low, you don't need to care

Let me be sad

They played five games in a row. Renley won one, and he was confident it only happened because Mika took pity on him. Hours passed, the snack tray was cleared completely, and eventually the chess board was folded up and returned to its case. And Mika was slouching comfortably against Renley's shoulder with his eyes closed.

"I should probably get some sleep." Said Mika eventually, breaking what had been a comfortable silence. "Got maybe four hours before the rest of the mountain wakes up. Not that beating your ass in chess was difficult, but I'm actually tired now."

"Want me to stay?" Renley offered, successfully managing to fake casual indifference.

"It's alright. You took such good care of me last night, Ren. Go get a real sleep in your own coffin."

"You sure? I'd sleep just as well on the floor next to you."

Mika shook his head, but he was smiling.

"I'm ready to be alone for a few hours. Doesn't look like I'll get much solitude in the next few weeks."

"Fair enough. I don't blame you."

Mika paused.

"Thanks for being... around. This was good for me." Mika admitted. And Renley knew full well how difficult that admission was for him. "Otherwise I would've just sat in here by myself, banging my head against the wall or something."

"Guess I can add 'professional distraction' to my resume." Said Renley. He squeezed Mika's hand.

"You know I'm not usually like this, right?" Said Mika out of nowhere.

"Like what?"

"You know. A complete mess. When things went wrong before all this, I used to just... handle it. Normally."

"I can't believe I have to explain this to you, but it'd be more abnormal if you weren't a mess right now."

"Ren, I can't just break down and shut the world out every time something happens. Everyone needs me to be solid. If I can't be solid, then at the very least I have to show up and fake it. And if I can't do that, I have no business being in this room."

"Yeah, okay. Whatever you say, tough guy." Renley rolled his eyes, but he slid down the bench, closer to Mika. "I get it. Keep doing your thing. Just know that while you're worrying about everyone else, I'm going to keep worrying about you. You don't have to like it. You don't even have to like me. But that's the deal."

Mika shot Renley a skeptical glance, but there was a smile in it somewhere. His body language softened noticeably as Renley held his gaze.

"Like I said... you're really nice to me." Said Mika.

"Friends with benefits includes friendship. I'm more than a pretty face and a big demeanour." Said Renley. He tried to keep his voice undercut with just enough sarcasm to stay consistent with their typical banter - but it was really fucking difficult considering he was falling harder by the second.

Bad days, it's okay, let me feel it

In some ways, you've got to break your heart to heal it

I've got chips on my shoulder, only gettin' older

So I keep to myself

"Just for the record, I feel more like myself than I have in ages." Said Mika. "And you did that. So go ahead, say you told me so. Get it out of your system."

"Yeah, I guess I've earned my chance to rub it in, haven't I?" Said Renley, feeling a smile spread across his face again. "But you know what?"

"What?"

Renley dropped his voice to a deep murmur and leaned in close to Mika.

"I was right, and you admitted it. And that's good enough."

Mika exhaled a quiet, contented chuckle and Renley kissed him. Slowly, lazily. He had to give his mouth something to do. Otherwise the words "I'm falling so fucking hard for you, Mika" would've come tumbling out - and today just wasn't the day.

Before Mika could protest, Renley pulled him into a tight hug. And for a moment he let the world fade away as he absorbed everything about Mika. The way he not only accepted Renley's embrace, but reciprocated it. The way his ribs shifted ever so slightly as he breathed. The easy, rhythmic cadence of his heartbeat, so calm now. The way he nestled his forehead into the crook of Renley's neck where it fit just right.

Just normal friends-with-benefits stuff.

Fuck.

Ain't tryna complain, just don't wanna explain it

But

Sometimes I don't wanna be happy

Don't hold it against me