Chapter Nine

Fresh from the shower, a towel wrapped around his waist, Logan pulls his uniform from the closet and lays it on the end of the bed, before grabbing underwear and socks from his top drawer. Although it's a Thursday, his few days of post-deployment leave allowance are over and he has to head into work this morning for debriefings.

Dropping the towel, he pulls on a pair of boxer-briefs, then reaches for his service khaki shirt and slides it on, deftly buttoning it up. The trousers are next, and he's just zipping them up when Veronica stirs in the bed. She yawns and stretches, then blinks her eyes open, frowning when she sees him standing fully-dressed before her.

"What's going on?" she queries.

"I have to report to base this morning," he says.

"Oh." She pulls herself up to a sitting position. "Your leave's up already?"

"Yeah." He nods. "But I only have to be there for a few hours. I'll be back in time for your appointment this afternoon."

She looks surprised. "You're coming with me?"

"Of course." He nods, looking down to fasten his belt. When he glances back up, he finds Veronica's expression has shifted to one of frustration. "What?"

Her eyes narrow as she says accusingly, "You think I won't go."

Busted.

Logan tries not to wince as he says sheepishly, "Well, you do have a tendency to avoid things you don't want to deal with."

"I'm gonna go," she insists, her eyes wide, belying innocence. "Honest. I'm… what's the word… committed. I'm committed now."

"Okay, you're committed," he concedes, taking a seat on the edge of the bed. "But I'd still like to go with you. Moral support and all that."

She still looks a little put-out for a moment, but eventually relaxes and gives a nod. "All right."

He glances at the clock on her nightstand, then stands up.

"Look, I gotta go," he tells her. "I need to stop by Dick's on my way and pick up my stuff."

"You're moving back in?" she asks, though he can't quite read her tone, or her expression.

He gives her a small smile and a shake of his head, "Veronica, I never moved out."

"Oh. Right." She looks down at her hands.

"I needed some time, and space, to get my head together," he explains, "but it wasn't…" He trails off with a sigh. He really doesn't have time to get into this now. "Look, regardless of what may or may not be going on between us right now, I'm here help you, okay? I want to help. Whatever you need to get through this, I'm here."

"Oh," she says again, looking down at the comforter, and for a moment, despite everything, his heart goes out to her. She looks so small and lost, all her usual confidence gone. "Thanks."

"I really have to go," he says, "but I'll be back here to pick you up for your appointment."

She lifts her head then. "I'll be at work today."

"Then I'll pick you up at the office," he says easily. "One o'clock, yeah?"

He takes a step forward and instinctively leans down to kiss her, but then thinks better of it. Just because she's finally starting to open up doesn't mean all their problems have magically been solved. There's still a lot they have to work through, and bringing that kind of intimate familiarity back into things right now is maybe not the best idea.

Instead he gives her a nod and a warm smile, before moving to the door.

"I'll see you later."

Veronica's gaze follows his back as he leaves the room, and she waits until she hears the front door open and close before she flops back against the pillows with a heavy exhale. For a second, she thought he was going to kiss her, like he always used to, and she even started to tilt her chin up in anticipation, but instead he just straightened awkwardly, gave a quick nod, and disappeared out the door.

She shakes her head, mentally berating herself for thinking that things might be better between them now. Just four days ago, he walked out on her, and he's only here with her now because she had some kind of breakdown two nights ago and is emotionally vulnerable. Of course things aren't just going to go back to how they were just like that.

Despite the slightly strained atmosphere between them, she is glad he'll be coming with her to the appointment. She'll never admit it to him, but even though she did tell him she was committed now, he may have been right about the avoidance thing. While she might have every intention of making the therapy session this afternoon, without him there too, it would be very tempting to just claim something came up at work and blow it off.

With a sigh, she sits up and forces herself out of the bed, before heading into the bathroom.

Time to face the day, Veronica.

At the knock on her open office door a few hours later, Veronica looks up to see Logan standing in the doorframe, still dressed in his service khakis.

"Hey," he greets quietly. "You ready to go?"

She glances at the clock; it's almost time for her appointment with Anna. "Yeah. Sure."

The corner of Logan's mouth twitches up slightly. "Don't sound too excited."

"Committed, remember?" she replies, shutting down her laptop and slinging her bag over her shoulder. As she slips past Logan and into the main office, she mutters under her breath, "Yep. Can't wait."

"I heard that," he murmurs as he falls into step behind her.

"We're heading out for lunch," she calls out to her father in his office. "See you later."

"Later," Keith replies distractedly, thumbing through the pile of paperwork on his desk.

She and Logan leave the office and walk out to his car, which he's pulled up just outside.

As Logan drives her across town to Anna's office, Veronica can't help the twisting, nauseous feeling in her stomach. It's not the same terrifying energy as yesterday, but more that heavy kind of dread when you have do something you really don't want to.

"How was your morning?" Logan asks conversationally.

Veronica shrugs. "Not much to report. Still nothing on the bomb."

"That's a shame."

"How about you?" she forces herself to ask, even though she's a little too distracted to really be interested.

"It was good," he says. "A ton of admin shit to catch up on, but that's par for the course."

She nods, not really knowing what else to say.

A semi-awkward silence falls between them, until Logan gestures to a paper bag by her feet. "I got you some lunch."

"Thanks." Veronica reaches for the bag and pulls out a chicken sandwich. She starts lifting it to her mouth, but then her stomach does a flip and she lowers it again. She's too anxious to eat. "I'll have it later."

They pull up outside the therapist's office a few minutes later. Logan cuts the engine and, like yesterday, walks up to the third floor with her. She's tempted to snark at him that she's not a child and perfectly capable of making it there herself, but she bites her tongue, because honestly… she's not convinced she would actually make it all the way to Anna's office if she was alone.

"So, from what you've told me," says Anna thirty minutes into their session, "it would seem you experienced a great deal of trauma as a child."

"I was a teenager, not a child," Veronica corrects. "Practically an adult."

"That may be, but still, you were very young when it happened. It must have been difficult for you to process."

"Not really," she counters, somewhat defensively. "I dealt with it and moved on."

Anna frowns thoughtfully, making Veronica shift uncomfortably under her unreadable gaze. "Did you?"

Veronica bristles. "Of course I did. I graduated almost top of my class at Stanford, did the same at Columbia Law. And now I have a career here, and I have my family and friends, and Logan. I have a good life."

"Do you?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" she demands to know, hackles rising.

Anna stops, giving a slow nod, before taking a breath and leaning forward in her chair, resting her forearms on her notebook. She looks at Veronica with a kind expression, one that makes her want to turn and run out of the door.

"Veronica, a good education, a career, a support system of family and friends… those are all good things to have, but while that might seem great on paper, the reality can be quite different—"

"What are you saying?" Veronica snaps, cutting her off as frustration and just a hint of anger start to rise in her chest.

"Have you ever sought professional help for your trauma?"

Thrown, Veronica instinctively hits back with a snarky response. "Uh, what do you think I'm doing right now?"

"I'm not talking about right now," says Anna calmly, "I'm talking about when you were a teenager, and in the years afterwards. Did you ever seek help?"

Veronica looks down at her hands, hesitating for a long moment, before admitting softly, "No."

"Not ever?"

She shrugs. "I had to see a school grief counsellor a couple times after Lilly... but it wasn't like they could help me."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't talk about my feelings with strangers."

"And why is that?" Anna asks.

Veronica shifts uncomfortably in her seat. "I just don't."

"Well, then do you talk about your feelings with non-strangers? Logan... your father.. your friends?"

Veronica remains silent, her heart beginning to pound uneasily in her chest. She really doesn't want to drag all of this up. She's never talked about it before, not really. While Logan knows about everything that happened to her back when they were teenagers, she's never really delved into the gory details with him, because well, she didn't feel the need, since he was there when most of it happened. He's aware of what she's been through, so there didn't seem to be any point in rehashing it all.

"Veronica?"

Willing her heart to calm, she looks up at Anna, pasting a fake smile on her face as she desperately tries to shift the topic of conversation to something else. "So, how 'bout them Dodgers, huh?"

"Veronica…" Anna repeats, unswayed by her attempted subject change.

Veronica gives a small sigh of defeat, sinking into her chair and refusing to look at her therapist as she murmurs, "No."

Anna nods, looking like she was expecting that answer. "You've never opened up to anyone about your trauma?"

"No."

"Why not?" she asks once more, beginning to sound like a broken record.

She sucks in a deep, shaky breath, pressing her lips together in a tight line as she tries to figure out how to answer that.

She eventually settles on, "I can't."

"Why can't you?"

"What happened to me is in the past and it needs to stay there."

"Why?"

"Because…." Veronica avoids Anna's gaze as she searches for an answer. "Because if I think too much about everything I've been through…" She stops, swallowing against the large lump forming in her throat, blinking back the tears she can feel building in the corners of her eyes. "It would be too much. It would break me. And I can't let that happen. I need to be strong."

Anna gives her a look of concern. "Why do you need to be strong?"

"It's who I am," she says resolutely. "I've always been the strong one. I keep things together. My family after my mom left. Logan when he lost his mom. My dad after his accident a few years ago. I have to be strong for them, because if I'm not, everything will fall apart."

"That's not a healthy way of thinking, Veronica," says Anna kindly, "for you or for the people who love you. The more you keep everything inside, the longer it festers and the harder it is to deal with when it all inevitably comes to a head at some point down the road."

"It's fine," she insists. "I'm fine. I'm dealing."

"Are you?"

"I am," she says decisively. "I have a good life. I have my job. I have my family and friends. I have Logan—"

"Yes, so you said," says Anna, "but if everything is so good in your life, then why are you here talking to me?"

Veronica doesn't have a comeback for that. She's silent for a moment, before she sighs. "I don't know."

"Yesterday you told me you weren't sure if you were still happy in Neptune, if you still felt like everything was how it was supposed to be."

She can't deny that. "I did."

"So, what changed?"

She closes her eyes as memories she thought she'd buried deep start to bubble to the surface. She frantically tries to push them down, but they refuse to obey her internal commands.

"I… I can't," she stutters out, fear gripping her chest.

"Veronica, this is a safe space, okay?" Anna's voice is soothing. "You can say anything in here. No judgement. All confidential."

She nods, then slowly opens her eyes. "I just… I don't know how to—"

"Just take it slow. Start from the beginning. You said you were happy to be back in Neptune at first. So, when did things start to change?"

Veronica swallows harshly, working as hard as she can to push the fear away.

"Something… happened…" she starts, falteringly, "it was about two years ago, when Logan was away on deployment..."

Across town a few hours later, Lilly paces the Fennels' living room anxiously. She's been on edge all afternoon. Not surprising, considering the potentially huge mistake she may have made earlier today.

She hadn't heard from either Logan or Veronica in almost two days, nor from Keith other than when he called yesterday to invite her over for dinner Saturday night, and she was growing restless just sitting around Wallace and Shae's house with nothing to do while they were at work and Noah at daycare. So, this morning she went and did something she promised both Keith and Logan she wouldn't do: she ordered an Uber to take her over to her father's house so she could spend some more time with him.

Granted, it all seemed fine at the time. The Uber account was in her new name, and she split the journey, taking one ride to a convenience store about halfway there, and then ordering another car from the store to her father's place, before doing the same on the way back but to different destinations.

As far as she could tell, she managed to get there and back undetected, but now that she's back at the Fennels', alone in the house with her thoughts, she's paranoid that maybe she wasn't as careful as she'd hoped.

She's just starting on yet another round of living room pacing when her phone buzzes with an incoming video call. It's Josh.

"Hey, hon," she answers with a bright smile, trying to push down her worries and keep her tone light.

"Hi, sweetheart." Josh's smiling face appears on the screen, instantly calming her pounding heart. "Just calling to check in. We haven't heard from you in a couple days. Caden's been asking for you."

"Oh, honey, I'm sorry," she apologises, a stab of guilt running through her. "I didn't mean not to call, it's just that things have been a bit crazy here, and I didn't have a chance."

She can hear her son's frustrated cries somewhere off-screen and her guilt increases tenfold.

"Look, it's almost time for Cay to go to bed and he wants to talk to his mom," says Josh.

"Of course," she agrees quickly.

She waits for Josh to lift Caden up into his lap, then smiles widely when her baby boy comes into view, his eyes slightly red-rimmed and his dark locks in disarray.

"Momma!" he cries out happily, reaching for the phone.

"Hi, sweetie, how are you?" she croons. "Are you having fun with Daddy and Nan and Pops this week?"

"Want Mommy Hugs," he demands with a pout.

"I know you do, sweetie." Lilly swallows against the lump in her throat. "I wish I was there to give you Mommy Hugs."

"When back?"

"Soon," she tells him. "I promise. So, what have you been up to this week? Did you play with your new toys?"

He nods. "Daddy pwayed too."

"Did he?" She suppresses a smile at Josh's expression. From the roll of his eyes, it would seem he's been roped into a lot more 'playing' than he was expecting this week. "Sounds like fun."

Caden yawns loudly, raising his arms above his head as he does so, and Josh gives a chuckle… their son is imitating just what Lilly does when she's trying to get him to go to bed and has to pretend she's 'very tired' too. She feels a pang of longing in her chest at the sight. She's never been this far away from her small family before and for a moment, nothing in Neptune seems to matter anymore because she just wants to be back home with them.

"Hey, little man, I need to talk to Mommy for a minute," Josh says, running an affectionate hand over their son's unruly hair. "Can you go put your toys away for me?"

Caden immediately frowns, crossing his arms over his chest. "Don't wanna."

"Please?"

"No," he says stubbornly.

"Can you do it for Mommy?" Lilly cuts in. "It would make me very happy."

Caden seems to hesitate at that, looking at her consideringly, and Josh takes that opportunity to try to urge him off his lap. "Come on, buddy, Mommy's asking you nicely."

Her son's frown deepens for a second, before he gives a long-suffering sigh… another thing he's picked up from her, it seems… and slides off Josh's knees.

"Bye, Mommy."

"Bye, sweetie. Kisses from me and sleep tight, okay?"

Caden nods, before disappearing off the sofa.

Lilly turns her attention back to Josh. "I really am sorry for not calling. I just got caught up in everything here."

Josh looks concerned. "How is your friend? Is she any better?"

Lilly sighs, her mood dropping as she remembers how it felt seeing her father looking so frail on her visits to him this week.

"No, it's um… it's not looking good," she manages, careful to remember her cover story that she's visiting a sick family friend in LA and not her dying father in Neptune. "The doctors say she only has maybe a couple of weeks left."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm not sure when I'll be home," she says apologetically. "I want to be here for her, you know?"

"I know.' He gives an understanding nod. "We just miss you, Luce."

She swallows. "I miss you both too, so much."

A thumping noise sounds from somewhere in the house and Lilly is immediately on the alert, her heart pounding as she whips her head in the direction of the noise. Seeing nothing, and noticing that it's after six o'clock and Wallace should be home soon, she shakes off her paranoia and turns her attention back to Josh.

"What was that?" he asks.

She shrugs. "Not sure, probably just the friends I'm staying with getting home from work."

"Oh. Okay," he says. "In that case, I'd better let you go. See you soon?"

"As soon as I can," she promises. "I love you."

"Love you, too."

Before she can end the call, the back of her neck prickles and she doesn't even have time to find out what's causing it when something grabs her from behind, a gloved hand holding some kind of gross-smelling cloth covering her mouth. She drops the phone as what feels like the barrel of a gun presses against her lower back.

"Hrmmph," she tries to cry out, but the hand over her mouth just presses harder as a large, strong body pulls her backwards.

"Luce? Lucy? What's going on?" Josh's voice sounds panicked but far away on the other end of the video call. "Are you okay? Talk to me."

She tries to struggle, kicking out at the coffee table, knocking off the knick-knacks covering it, but whatever the cloth pressed against her mouth is covered with is making her dizzy and she finds herself struggling to breath. Before she can comprehend what's happening, everything fades to black. The last thing she hears before she loses consciousness is the muffled tone of her baby boy asking for his momma.