Chapter Thirty-Seven – Instant Regret

Gavin shot up as soon as his eyes opened. Shit…shit-shit-shit-shit-shit! He thought in a blind, guilt-ridden panic, not even looking at the other side of the bed where he knew Nines would be curled up on his side. Gavin was still naked, the sheets slightly damp where they hadn't dried off properly before climbing into bed. He quickly threw off the duvet and got to his feet, definitely needing something, though he had no idea what it was. He settled for tugging on a pair of boxers and stumbling his way out into the hall.

"Gavin?" A quiet voice called, the human ignoring it as he hurried down into the kitchen. Lynx approached briefly, curling his soft fur along his bare legs before returning to the living area and settling down. Gavin grabbed a glass, his hand shaking as he filled it with cold water. He'd been bandaged again, his wrists and shoulder. He sighed in frustration before gulping down the water like he was overheating. Maybe he was in some ways. "Gavin…Are you alright?" Nines asked softly, feeling the human flinch as he pressed up behind.

"Yeah, I'm…Yeah." Reed replied in a voice that was far too quiet.

"Your heartrate has elevated." The android observed, his hands slowly slipping around his human's waist, pulling him closer. He pressed his chest against Gavin's stiff spine and leaned his head down on his shoulder. He pressed gentle kisses into the pliant flesh, nuzzling into Gavin's fluffy hair and breathing in his clean scent. "And your stress level." The android noted, slightly troubled as he paused his gentle touches.

"I'm fine." Gavin grunted evasively as he stepped out of the android's embrace, putting the empty glass down as he realised he was still holding it. He felt on edge. His heart was racing, and he didn't know why. He felt like he'd done something wrong, even though every time he thought back it had felt so right. He was half way across with living room when a strong hand locked around his good elbow. Nines was conscious of his body's fragility even when he was acting on impulse.

"Stop." He urged softly, turning the human to face him. Gavin felt odd, looking at the floor, unable to look his partner in the eye. "Please…" Nines murmured sweetly, gentle hands cupping Gavin's cheeks and urging his face up. He looked like a skittish animal, that's what Nines thought. He was like a feral cat being slowly lured in by kindness for the first time. He was filled with uncertainty, distrust and vulnerability. It was a rare look for Gavin Reed. It was usually Nines that needed to be grounded, lost in a sea of fear and doubt. It was his turn to be the anchor.

Nines moved slowly, knowing that Gavin was likely to pull away and retreat if he moved too fast. He started with the hands already caressing his stubbled cheeks. He traced his thumbs in gentle circles, treating the human like something precious and fragile. He only moved closer as he felt Gavin sinking into the touch. He moved one hand away, slowly slipping his fingers around to caress the back of his neck and then sliding them down his curved spine. He didn't go for his lips right away. He leaned his forehead against Gavin's, nuzzling and caressing. He risked a small peck on his forehead, pressing another longer kiss as Gavin didn't pull back.

He took his time, slowly moving his kisses across to Gavin's soft temple. His green eyes fluttered at the gentle attention, and he leaned further into the android's hold. Nines enjoyed the feeling of Gavin's soft warm flesh against his own, both just wearing boxers. Nines hummed lightly, content as he continued dotting kisses along his human's jaw, finally making it to his pale lips. Gavin didn't kiss back at first, lost in nerves or whatever hesitant thoughts he had. After the third press he finally chased Nines' lips. The android smiled softly as he paused for a more lingering kiss before drawing back.

"What are you thinking?" He asked softly, continuing to rub small assuring circles into Gavin's spine. He'd calmed down now, more awake as he let out a low sigh. He ran a hand over his face as he stepped away from the android, leaving Nines wondering if he'd been mistaken. Maybe Gavin was still a skittish cat that needed further assurance.

"I keep thinking I made a mistake…I was supposed to be different to those fuckers. I was supposed to be someone you could trust. You're not some Traci made for me to…You're my partner, and I shouldn't be crossing these boundaries with you. You don't even know what you want yet. You've barely been out of Cyberlife for two months! You've only be deviant for a few hours!" Gavin cursed as he took to pacing, or he would have if Nines hadn't stepped in his path. "And now we're both in our pants." Reed added, as if that somehow had an impact on their discussion. Perhaps humans dress differently for different discussions…Nines thought as he tilted his head, though he did appreciate the sight of Gavin in pants. They were rather fine pants. Encasing a rather fine ass.

"We could remove our pants if that would improve things." The android teased, watching the human huff out a small laugh despite the tension. Nines didn't hesitate to rest his hands on Gavin's arms, gripping gently to make sure he had the man's attention. "Gavin, you make me feel things…wonderful things that I don't have words for yet. You think of me more than anyone ever has. You worry about my comfort and my feelings, and I adore you for it. You're the only thing I want in the whole world…The only person I've considered important enough to want." He admitted, watching Gavin's green gaze soften, but become troubled. He was genuinely concerned about the ramifications of Nines' words.

"But that's not how it's supposed to be. You don't even understand what you want yet. You can't possibly know that. You want me because I'm the first human you met who gave a shit. You've latched onto me because I showed you kindness. In letting you do this I'm just abusing you." Gavin objected, feeling even worse as Nines' blue eyes dropped sadly. He was closing in on himself just as Gavin was closing himself off. Shit, I'm such a fucking idiot! How many times did I tell myself not to get in this deep?

You don't feel anything for me? Nines asked, looking somehow small despite his height.

"That's not it! I care, alright, I fucking…I wouldn't want you the way I do if I didn't…" Gavin trailed off. There was no way he was going to start spouting about barely formed emotions that he wasn't willing to put a name to. Sure, he got this soft warm feeling every time he looked at Nines, and sure, his stomach filled with butterflies in a way he hadn't felt since his first crush in elementary school, but that didn't mean he was catching feelings.

Then why is it a problem? Are you ashamed of me? Is it because I'm a machine? Does that mean I'm not real to you? Nines demanded, and sure, those were concerns Gavin had had in the past. It was weird, a human and an android. It was also a complication that they worked together as partners. He didn't know what would happen if Fowler found out. He hadn't split up Hank and Connor, but he had no idea what type of relationship they had, despite Tina's insistence that they were fucking. But I don't want to fuck Nines, I want to…

"I don't know, alright? I'm not ashamed, and of course you're fucking real, but being a different species is something we have to think about." He admitted, regretting it almost instantly. He was putting barriers between them, unsure whether Nines would tear them down. Did he want him to tear them down? Why put them up in the first place? He looked at Nines and he just wanted him, so very badly. He knew he shouldn't. Nines was young. He was vulnerable. He was an android. He'd previously been a victim.

You said I could have you. Nines added with a hurt look, Gavin's cheeks flushing slightly as he recalled their earlier…Our earlier what? Fuck? Tryst? Love making? There's no way I can just call what we did sex…There was also no response to what Nines said. It was true. He'd told Nines that, and he'd meant it. He looked away, stuck in a catch-22. He couldn't say he belonged to Nines and keep him at arm's length. At the same time he couldn't be with Nines without taking advantage of him in some way. You lied to me?

"No! Nines, fuck!" Reed cursed in frustration, feeling hurt because he was hurting Nines by trying to do the right thing. This would have been a whole lot easier if I hadn't been a fucking moron last night! But last night it had felt so good, so right, so natural. He'd fit perfectly in Nines' hands. Their coupling had happened so seamlessly. Even now he just wanted to…Fuck. "Look, you need to have more time…You need to go out and experience things. Meet people. Learn what it means to want someone so completely. Right now you're just…You want me so badly because I'm your lifeline, and fuck, I'll always be that for you." Gavin assured as he rested a fist on Nines' shoulder.

But that's all? The android prompted, looking heartbroken.

"For now…We'll just…take it slow." Gavin compromised, his chest twisting painfully at the idea of encouraging Nines to leave his side. He was bound to find someone else. Someone younger. Maybe someone of the opposite gender. Maybe another android. Someone he could bond with properly. And that would be a good thing. Gavin reminded himself. Mixing work and pleasure is a bad idea. Fucking an android is also a bad idea, and fucking a victim is the mother of all bad ideas. Fucking moron! "Come on…Let's get a couple more hours sleep." He said eventually, not mentioning the fact that Nines followed him into his bedroom. He also didn't mention it as they both climbed beneath the covers of his bed, nor as the android shuffled closer and slipped a warm arm around his waist. Gavin screwed his eyes shut as he mentally kicked himself, reaching down to grip Nines' hand for comfort. I'm so fucking weak!