the promised pre-brain-scrambly visit.
warnings: crossover between Iron Man Movieverse and X-Men Movieverse (some strange combined AU) plus my Fateverse (dimension-hoppy sci-fi). language: pg-13 (primetime tv plus s***).
pairing: arc is Logan/Wade, this chapter briefly mentions Wade/Inez.
timeline: right after A Proposition.
disclaimer: marvel owns all recognizable characters.
notes: 1) when we were tiny tots, my sister and i had three goldfish named Toriaezu, Tabun, and Shiranai (which would more closely translate to 'possibly, maybe, and i-dunno,' but 'probably' is a better name for a fish because shutup that's why). 2) this version of Eleanor has been nicknamed 'monkey' because she was a climber at an early age. 3) i think Taskmaster would be the most devoted Cool Uncle ever, upon meeting Ellie. 4) i'm one of those trolls who tries to get little kids to say words wrong.
Visitation
"It's got a white picket fence," Wade says.
"And a little doghouse with a red roof," Skye agrees with a slow nod. "Even though they don't own a dog."
"Doghouse and no dog? What've they got instead?"
"Three goldfish named Probably, Maybe, and I-Dunno, an asthmatic guinea pig named Goose, and a fat orange cat named Alf."
"Not Garfield?"
"She likes Alf reruns, okay? Don't judge."
She and the Savant started up the front walk, but Wade hesitated.
"Does she have a mom in this world?" he asked.
Skye knocks on the door. "She has a great dad and an awesome big sister. That's more than a lot of little girls get, and she feels pretty lucky to have it."
When the door opens, there she is: perfect and beautiful and about five years old, soft brown curls in disarray (nothing like the neat ponytails Carmelita and Preston always put her in), big brown eyes curious and excited. "Skye!" she gasps, jumping.
With a laugh, Skye catches her and hoists her up onto one hip. "Hey, monkey!"
"You're not supposed to knock on your own door, dum-dum," Ellie informs her sternly.
"Well, I was playing a trick on someone to see the look on his sanctimonious face. Where's Papi—at work?"
Ellie nods. "Outlaw's in the kitchen. We're making apple turnunders!"
"Turnovers?"
"She says that's a dumb name and turnunder is more fun. Are you staying?" And she sticks out her lower lip and pouts for all she's worth.
"Oh, monkey," Skye says, and sighs. "You know I'd stay all day every day if I could. Buuuut work, work, work."
"Mr. Phil came by yesterday. He cleaned. A lot. Papi told him he didn't have to, but he did the thing where he pretends he didn't hear, and he said cobwebs can trap allergens."
Skye carries the little girl inside. "Ugh, Coulson…" she mutters. "Well, monkey, Mr. Phil has a fairy godmother complex, and he thinks Papi can't take care of us by himself."
"But you're practically a grown-up!"
"I know!" Skye agrees with exaggerated insult, before calling out, "Outlaw? I brought two this time."
Wade feels like he's in the Twilight Zone. Or maybe on Candid Camera. He thought he got over that feeling a few dozen borrowed lives ago…
Inez is wearing flour-dusted sweatpants and the world's frumpiest plaid shirt as she slides a baking sheet into the oven. She looks at Wade and the Savant. "Hi, Wades," she says brusquely, and sets a timer.
"Uh," says Wade. "Hi."
After a pause, Skye punches the Savant's bicep. "Don't be rude to my future step-step-foster-mom," she hisses through a frozen smile.
"Step-step…" the Savant says.
"Yeah. Papi was single when he fossed me, then he got married, so his wife was my step-foster-mom. And then she…y'know. So the next one's a double-step at least."
"Don't getcher hopes up, sweetie," Inez drawls. "Your papi's got that irritating Wade habit of thinking he gets everybody he loves killed. I figure he'll drag ass for another year, bare minimum."
"Nooooo," whines Ellie. "I'll pout at him! I'll pout until he marries you! You have to be Skye's step-step-foster-mom and my stepmom. We'll wage thumb-wars over it if we have to. We'll get Mr. Phil and Miss Preston to help."
"We totally will," Skye agrees. "Soooo, don't be rude to my future step-step-foster-mom."
The Savant crosses his arms. "Sorry," he grunts. "You just remind me of my shrink, 's all. I'm oh-five-six."
Inez tips her chin up. "Ah. Zombie-Slayer-Hope's your mom."
"She's not my—I'm three thousand years older than she is."
"She's so your mom. You know her duty reports are full of soppy gushing about you? She's real proud of how far you've come."
"I guess she's gotta say something to explain near-catastrophic delays in her work."
For a moment, Inez looks like she might press the issue, but then she switches her attention to the girls and says, "Well, ladies, these turnunders are gonna be about half an hour—how's about you take Shy Wade out back and show him the treehouse while Grumpy Wade helps me clean up a bit?"
Wade assumes the Savant is 'Grumpy Wade.'
Skye and Eleanor each grab a hand and lead him out the back door.
'Treehouse' is accurate in a much more literal sense than Wade expected.
Instead of the typical rudimentary platform (perhaps with railings or a roof for the truly enterprising), it's like something out of Robinson Crusoe built on the scale of a kindergartener. A rope ladder (which can be drawn up, naturally) leads to a small open platform like a vestibule, which in turn has a rope bridge, a narrow plank, and a climbing net leading to other trees. There's a lookout perch (expertly camouflaged with leaves and moss) that gives a view of the driveway and both corners of the street. There's a roofed area with a metal firepit circled by low benches. There's a proper hut with shuttered windows and a door (all of which bar from the inside, Ellie is proud to point out) that holds a child-sized cot, a bookshelf, and a table with two chairs. There's even a little latrine (which Ellie very seldom uses, because 'she who fills the bucket empties it,' her father has decreed).
"Mami hated it," Ellie confides with a face of deep disappointment. "She said it wasn't safe. She made Papi put out nets and cushions. It didn't feel faraway like that. It didn't feel separate. I like it better like this."
"It's our little getaway," Skye agrees fondly. "If we miss Papi, or we're mad at him, or we just want to be alone for a little while, we come up here."
He makes a show of looking around the little hut. "It's nice."
Ellie goes to a wall and pats what looks like a map drawn in crayon. "Papi and I made a drawing of the treehouse I wanted, and Outlaw and Tasky built it. He cheats—he watched her and then he could do carpenter-things."
"Sounds like she'll make an extra-good stepmom, then," he tells her with a nod of approval.
After a thoughtful pause, Ellie goes to her little bedside and brings back a hairbrush and some hair ties. "Can you do braids? Skye sucks at braids."
"Traitor," Skye hisses.
"Sure, I can do braids," Wade says as he accepts the appropriate tools.
Ellie promptly plops down on a little chair with her back to him. "I want braids like Anna in Frozen. Anna's the best; she punched Hans so hard his face went wonky. Papi slowed the movie down so we could see."
"Two princess pigtails, coming right up."
Weasel (Weasels, actually, in a couple of different universes) used to give him shit about it, but braiding little girls' hair is a necessary parenting skill. A Hope was unfortunate enough to be his first proper daughter, and they jointly suffered a full year of practicing on dolls and still getting it wrong before he could fix her hair without making her cry or having it come undone in five minutes. Jamie would laugh. Or maybe he'd understand…
While he works, Skye asks about school and teachers and friends (possibly for Wade's benefit).
"I'm so good at math now that I can sit wherever I want, but I'm not allowed to raise my hand anymore to answer questions. Other kids have to have a chance, Miss Melanie says. So it's like musical chairs now. I go around the classroom until there's a minute left before class, and then I sit down at the closest desk. Prem likes to follow me, because he says I tell good stories."
"Prem's convinced that Papi is a reincarnation of Rama," Skye explains. "So he's always asking for more stories."
"We've definitely done some stuff straight outta the Ramayana," Wade admits. "Armies of beast-men, rains of arrows, slaying giant serpents…"
"When the turnunders are done, do you want ice cream with them?" asks Ellie. "Outlaw says we can have ice cream with them or whip-cream—"
"Whipped cream," Skye corrects.
"—but not both, because both is greedy."
"How do you like yours?" Wade counters.
"I like mine with bunner-sotch ice cream."
"Butterscotch," says Skye.
"Now, Skye," Wade scolds with a wag of his finger. "If the monkey wants blubber-socks ice cream and pasketti, she can darn well have it."
"Ewww, who would have ice cream and sketties?" Ellie yelps. "We have manila, bunner-sotch, and moose prints."
"Vanilla, butterscotch, and moose tracks," Skye translates.
"That's what I said. Now do Skye's hair like Elsa, because she's older."
"That's not very fair, making her be Elsa just because she's older," Wade points out. "What if Skye wants to be Anna? Or Kristoff? Or Sven?"
Eleanor looks up at Skye very, very seriously and says, "Skye, I don't think you would look very good with ank-lers."
It takes Skye several seconds to open her mouth without laughing (judging by the hilarious look on her face). "Um," she says at that point. "Ant-lers. And you're probably right."
They settle for 'a braid like Rapunzel: you know, kind of like Elsa but different.'
So they have their turnovers (turnunders) with ice cream (even the Savant, who unsmilingly calls it 'bunner-sotch' after Ellie explains the flavor options), and Ellie regales them all with a thrilling story about the time she found a dead squirrel on the side of the road.
"Well, that was delicious," Skye tells Outlaw. "But we've gotta be getting back to work."
"I'll help with the dishes," Wade offers.
"Naw, sweetie," says Outlaw, patting his hand in a way that somehow doesn't feel patronizing. "'Round here, guests don't do the washing-up. You take care; maybe we'll seeya again sometime."
The Savant stands and pokes some little palm-computer-thing. "Conduit Control, this is Keeper 056, confirm."
Wade goes to Eleanor while their ride gets prepped. She smiles up, blithe and half-expectant and judgment-free. He rubs his thumb over a smudge of ice cream on her little round cheek. "You be a good little monkey for Outlaw, okay?"
"I will," she promises.
"Traveler?" Skye calls.
Time to let the greatest minds in the multiverse tear his brain apart to see what makes it so damn special.
"Wade," Skye says, tilting her head. "She'll be all right. Cross my heart and hope to cry."
.End.