Casey was jolted awake by the sound of somebody screaming and it made him jump and he fell clear out of bed and hit the floor. As he pulled himself to his feet he realized it was Kelly he was hearing, and he ran over to Severide's bedroom and found Kelly likewise on the floor, tangled in the covers from the bed. It took a couple minutes to get Kelly to calm down and to get him loose from the sheets, but when his labored breathing finally started to slow down, Casey asked him, "Do you want me to stay with you tonight?"
Kelly looked at him as his chest rose and fell heavily, and with much hesitation, he very slightly nodded.
Matt nodded in kind, "Okay, I will, it's no problem. Come on, let's get you back into bed."
They got the covers put back on and the two got in on the opposite sides and pulled the sheets up.
If Kelly had hoped this was something he could somehow 'get over' after a time or two he was sorely mistaken. It was slowly starting to dawn on him he couldn't make it through the night if Matt wasn't with him. The times he woke up screaming, not sure if he was still dreaming, or if it was real, Casey was there, usually hovering over him, yelling at him trying to get through to him. The words failed him, but Kelly forced himself to realize if Casey was there, then that meant it wasn't still in the diner, because Matt hadn't been there that day. Then he'd start to notice other things, like it was night, and it had been morning when he was there, and slowly it'd occur to him he was in his bedroom, definitely not back at the diner. As long as Casey was there when he woke up, he knew he was safe, but sometimes it took a while for that to sink in.
One night the two of them lay on their sides facing each other as Kelly reluctantly admitted to Matt, "I think about that day all the time...I, reexamine everything, try to figure out if there was anything I could've done different...anything I should've done different...I've gone over it more than I have any call when we weren't able to save someone...and there's just nothing."
Casey looked at him and told Severide, "You're a true hero, Kelly."
The Squad lieutenant shook his head mournfully, "No I'm not...all the time I keep thinking, why did I have to go to that diner? Why that day? Why didn't I just go home? Then I wouldn't have had to be there, I wouldn't have had to go through any of that...but then where would that leave everyone else who was there that day?"
"You remember what Boden said," Casey told him, "a hero isn't someone who's unafraid. It's someone who's scared to death and does the right thing anyway."
Kelly squeezed his eyes shut in response and asked helplessly, "and this was the right thing?"
"It seems to be the only thing, right or wrong, it seems to be the only answer you could live with," Casey pointed out. "I'm so sorry you had to go through that, Kelly."
Kelly shook his head weakly like he had a migraine and it hurt to move, "All the time I wonder why didn't he just kill me and get it over with? It would've been so much easier."
"Kelly..."
"I know," Severide opened his eyes and met Casey's, "it's not an answer...but I can't help feeling like it would be."
Matt bit his lower lip for a minute as he grappled with something.
"There's something..." he started to say, and that was all the further he got, he saw Kelly's eyes staring at him and he knew there was no going back from this, "there's something I think you need to know...and maybe I should've told you before now, but I honestly wasn't sure if you could take it...I still don't know how to take it."
"What is it?" Kelly asked.
With heavy hesitation, Matt told him about Voight's call, meeting the cop at the diner, the report he'd found on Rooker, everything from that morning. It was obviously just as hard for Kelly to hear it as it was for Matt to say it, maybe more, it was hard to tell. Casey expected Kelly might fly into a rage that Matt had withheld this from him for so long, but instead the Squad lieutenant's labored breathing quickly gave was to pained sobs, Matt hugged him tight and the two men cried themselves to sleep.
"So now I've got something else new to tell the therapist about," Kelly said the next morning as Casey drove him to his first session.
"I don't know if it's a good idea to try and tell them everything at once," Casey said, "you might try easing into it."
"How do I ease into something like this?" Kelly asked.
Casey sighed, "I don't know, I'm sorry, I know I'm not being any help."
"No, I appreciate everything you're doing," Kelly told him. "You're the only thing that's gotten me this far already."
"Do you want me to wait outside?" Casey asked.
Kelly slightly turned to look at him and said, everything he was feeling summed up in the one word, "Please."
Casey slowly nodded, "No problem."
They pulled up. Kelly went into the office, Casey sat in the driver's seat and waited anxiously, not sure whether Kelly would actually last through it, or come running out after 10 minutes. To his surprise, Kelly lasted the whole hour, but when he finally left the office and came back to Matt's truck, he looked like he'd been run over by a bulldozer.
Matt was sure there wasn't anything 'right' to say, probably all just 'wrong', but he asked as Kelly got in, "It go okay?"
Kelly just looked at him and wouldn't answer. This took Casey just slightly back to that awkward ride home from the hospital. He didn't push it, he pulled out of the parking lot and took them home. It was a long, awkward, almost painful silence during the ride back, but Matt noted Kelly didn't look like he was about to explode, he merely looked exhausted. He couldn't imagine the first time in a therapy session for something like this could ever be easy and he felt bad for his best friend.
When they finally got back home, Kelly got out of the truck without a word, entered the apartment, and went straight to his room and shut the door behind him. He sat on the edge of his bed for a minute, trying to process everything that had happened. After the moment passed, he lay face down on the bed and pressed the pillows over his head to muffle the sound as he started crying.
A couple hours later, Casey chanced looking in and he saw Kelly asleep on his stomach hugging the pillow against him, from the side of Kelly's face that Matt could actually see, he saw the tear streaked face and the puffy eyes. Casey still wasn't entirely sold on this therapy thing, it seemed more like a kill-or-cure type of help than anything. Still he guessed he should be grateful Kelly merely cried himself to sleep instead of screaming and destroying everything in the room. He pulled the door shut behind him and left Kelly alone for the rest of the afternoon.
When the sun started to go down, Casey rapped on the door and receiving no response, opened it up and saw Kelly laying on the bed awake, staring at the wall.
"How're you doing?" he asked.
Kelly grumbled but didn't answer.
"You've been in here a long time," Matt pointed out.
Kelly just nodded in response.
"You thirsty?"
Kelly shook his head.
"You feel like eating?" Matt tried again.
Kelly sighed as he thought it over.
"I can try," he answered.
"That's all I ask. You want me to bring it in here or..."
Kelly shook his head again, "No, I'll get up..."
"Kelly?" When the Squad lieutenant looked at him, Matt told him, "I know today was hard for you...and I can't even begin to imagine just how hard...but I'm proud of you."
Severide pursed his lips together and slowly nodded. "Thanks."
Casey moved to hug him but hesitated, unsure if it was alright or not, Kelly answered by hugging him instead.
"Thanks for putting up with me," Kelly told him.
Matt smiled sadly as he rubbed Kelly's back.
"I won't say it hasn't been any trouble."
Kelly laughed slightly, which made Matt smile weakly.
"But there's nowhere I'd rather be right now," he added.
A few weeks and several painful therapy sessions later, Kelly had finally been cleared to return to 51, for the time being only on light duty to help him ease back into things, also, Casey suspected but Boden wouldn't confirm, to keep an eye on Severide and see if anything happened to trigger a flashback for him that they would have to look out for.
The day Kelly was supposed to head to shift, Casey watched him pacing around the kitchen, half looking like he wanted to throw up.
"Are you sure about this?" Matt asked, breaking up the otherwise silence of the room.
Kelly stopped and looked at him, and after a few seconds nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine."
"If you need a few more days..."
Kelly shook his head, "No...no, I have to do this."
Matt nodded, "I understand. Is there anything you need?"
"I don't think so. I..." he looked at Casey, "I mean I know they all know...but..."
Casey nodded in understanding, despite the others' support for Kelly when he needed them the most, he could foresee the reunion at 51 being a little awkward. But they were just going to have to muddle through it if Kelly really was going to start getting his life back to 'normal'.
The first shift back passed without incidence, so Boden decided by next shift Severide could return to full duty, something that elated him and everyone else, but also scared the hell out of Casey. 51 was a relatively controlled environment, but he couldn't help wondering what would happen once they were out in the open dealing with everything that was thrown at them? But he kept his concerns to himself and knew what everybody knew, all eyes would be on Severide as much during the shift as was possible, and the first sign things were going south, the chief would pull him and send him home. Casey sincerely hoped it didn't come to that. Kelly had made so much progress over the past few weeks, he'd taken to sleeping in his own bed again at night, his nightmares seemed to be getting fewer and far between, he could go out on his own and resume his normal errands and activities. Matt had watched it all as it happened, and he was thrilled for his best friend's recovery, but he couldn't help a gnawing feeling in his stomach that it was all only temporary, and sooner or later something was going to happen to ruin all the progress Kelly had made, or at least severely set him back, if and when that happened, Casey just hoped they were able to help him deal with it.